My boyfriend is so sweet and so good to me. I’ve never experienced anything like it. There are a lot of things missing in our relationship though. He isn’t good in bed. He kisses weird no matter how many tips I give him. He just overthinks EVERYTHING. He used to kiss me and it felt like I was getting kisses by a girl or a cloud. I asked him to kiss me harder and with more meaning, make it sexier. Now he grabs me and kisses me really hard and it’s still not normal or sexy. He absolutely doesn’t know how to have sex. I thought i could show him. Iy sucks…. It’s awkward and feels uncomfortable and I don’t know what to do. I’ve never had someone love me so much and sometimes we have so much fun and I respect him immensely but I feel like it’s not my fault that I’m feeling like there is something missing from my life. I’ve never felt this way in a relationship. On one hand I know I’m choosing to spend my time with a good person and not someone who will switch up on me which is huge in life to me, this world is so crazy, a true friend is so important. But the intimate side of it is so bad. I’m attracted to him. It’s just his lack of understanding how to do anything with a girl is SO immense and even when taught he just doesn’t get it…… I’m just asking for any input on this situation really. What can I do about the intense loneliness I feel that only deepens when I try to be intimate with him? What can I do or say to him that would be productive and not hurt him? Can anyone relate?
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That’s a tough one but I generally think people can be taught how to be good lovers. Have you tried sex therapy?
Have you asked him what feels good for him?
It makes sense that you provided feedback about what feels good for you, and it seems like you’ve approached that as an entry point with not as much satisfaction as you were hoping for. The next thing that I, a stranger on the internet so take it with a grain of salt, might propose is just to open the conversation to him about his likes and dislikes around intimacy.
As a partner, what I would be attentive to avoid as much as possible, is him trying to change his natural, organic sensuality in order to please me. There are ways I can request to be touched or handled, of course. But if it’s so far outside of a partner’s own joy and pleasure, it can take us further down a path of disconnect because now they’re changing themselves so much to meet me, they’re in their head about their performance and not present with their desire.
A surefire way to get to know if partners are truly compatible is to let chemistry and animal nature come forward.
And I think ultimately what I’m getting at is that everything else can be there in the relationship, but if sex is being forced (sorry for the clumsy way of saying that), then the question becomes “do I need this aspect to be fulfilled, in this relationship? Are there other ways to feel fulfillment within this relationship that are mutually satisfying? Is my partner enjoying themselves?”
Sometimes, this results in something deeper and more satisfying than just sex. And sometimes it results in understanding we’re not a chemistry match. All of it is ok.
Sexual incompatibility usually can’t be fixed. You’re a few bad kisses away from getting the ick, and once you get the ick it can’t be undone. If you’re in the earlier stages of this relationship and you’re lonely in this way that’s a big ol’ red flag.
I guess you could try sex therapy. It all depends on how much you want to dump into a guy you don’t have physical chemistry with. My husband and I had incredible chemistry across the board. Still do. I couldn’t settle for a relationship where I had to coach someone to not suck in bed, but that’s me personally.