So I have a little problem. So uhm I’m 26, never had sex + being an SA-victim. Yes actually was R***** when I was younger. So I don’t tell often about it, but it happened before that I was asked about sexuality/gf/sex-life etc. And While I had a gf before, never had sex, well besides you know…
So I was always honest for being a virgin but never managed what happened to me in my past. But because of that, people attacked me. Yes, really.
There was people who just insulted/blamed me for being a virgin but also when I was asking for advice in, kinda of these “incel groups” because I actually thought they could understand me, they told me I at least had sex… Yup… Not kidding. This really left a deep cut. It felt like nobody understood me.
I’m really careful about telling these things since I know how people react about it. Ofc it makes me sad, and I’m in therapy before someone gives me this advice, but it still hurts. Being kinda left alone.
I don’t plan to lie about the virgin part, since why should lie when I get asked. And i mean, if people think I’m an Incel, just because I never had sex, even everything happened in my past, I had gfs and even with having female friends, well I guess so it should be, but the comments are really annoying, any advice?
Comments
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Don’t ask incels for advice about relationships or women. The term means “involuntarily celibate.” The one unifying factor among them is that they’re bad at relationships so they dont have anything helpful to say. As for being called one yourself, simply disregard it. Decent people dont care if you’re a virgin and those who make the leap from virgin to incel unprompted aren’t worth the effort to disillusion.
Why are you participating in incel groups, just stay away from those
This isn’t fakechurchday, this is life, you are not a virgin and lying to your future spouses will cause you to potentially expose them to what you have.
Ignore the people telling you you’re not a virgin, if that’s how you want to identify that is completely valid since virginity is a social construct that doesn’t matter anyway. Stay away from the incels, nothing good will come from interacting with them, women hate them for a reason.
Incels won’t give you good advice because they hate women. They are a hate group. You need to get professional help. Not advice from random strangers/weirdos
Why are you seeking validation from people in incel groups when you’re clearly aware of how toxic they are? You’ve suffered a tremendous trauma in your past, which would deeply affect someone who was older and had a healthy sex life, let alone as someone who experienced SA as their first time.
Your first step would be to confide in your closest friends so you can build a support group; doing anything in life is difficult even with help, but trying to move on from something like this is impossible solo.
Once you have a core social support group, you can start to come out of your shell as an individual, and evolve and grow as a person in spite of what you when through. It won’t be easy, but please build a close knit support system you can confide in, it will change your life.
Wish you all the best
I don’t think you need to worry about being called an incel unless you’re engaging in / spreading incel rhetoric. People don’t hate/ridicule incels because they are virgins, they hate them for their behaviour.
Whether or not you’re a virgin is your business, and nobody who isn’t mentally underdeveloped cares about that.
Advice about what?
People can’t tell the difference between a virgin and an incel isn’t your problem.
I’m sorry you were assaulted, do you have (access to) counselling? That’s probably helpful to have the support.
Stop giving people who aren’t stakeholders a voice in your head. They are miserable trolls. Don’t feed them. If they were actually winning at anything, they wouldn’t care about your sexual experience with anything other than empathy.
I can relate. Like 100%. I’m not going into details. I never accepted that I am a virgin though. I have moved around enough to comfortably lie. The incidents actually made me an asexual. Like I am repulsed by the concept of sex with other people. I understand it’s fun for others but not for me. So did get a lot of bullying for being a virgin. But I understand what you are going through. My suggestion is to move to different place if possible, start anew, do not discuss anything. Even if the topic goes there, make up a story. If you finally meet a girl or something be honest, or maybe go to a professional and do it a couple of times so you can confidently talk about it. This is lowkey my plan if in an unfortunate scenario I catch feelings.
And stay the fuck away from the incel communities, it’s is like a disease. It can rot your brain.
I had a similar problem where some guys hassled me by calling me a virgin. If people call you that, just shut yourself away from those negative people and surround yourself with positive people
Anyone who actually cares about someone’s elses virginity is a loser by default. I have called several men incels because that’s the only way to degrade some people that are too comfortable with being sexist and mean. But overall, being a virgin doesn’t mean much. In that regard, sex is overrated, when it happens is amazing, whether or not or how many times it has happened it’s irrelevant and dumb.
You cannot do much against someone calling you a virgin, it’s a fact, you are one. And that’s ok, and will always be ok.
Virginity is a stupid concept that doesn’t mean much.
Like you could have never had sex but licked thousands of genitalia behind a dumpster or club bathroom, but still be a virgin?
Or had sex once for 10 seconds, decided to stop and not be a virgin?
What does even count for “sex” for virginity?
If someone sticks something inside you are you no longer a virgin? Does oral sex count for losing virginity? Recieving anal sex?
And people will disagree on specifics.
And if we look at women or lesbians it gets even more complicated. Hymen can break without sex or you can have loads of penis in vagina sex and it can stay intact.
Virginity isn’t some magical thing that changes you fundamentally.
For most means and purposes you have not had sex. You have been assaulted. You do not know how it is to be active and willing participant in mutual activity trying to achieve orgasm and bring each other pleasure.
Yes at your age it will be harder to find a partner while having no sexual experience because women don’t want to have to teach you everything. But you have totally valid reasons.
And you do not have to share it. You don’t have to explain your sexual history as soon as you meet someone.
You should find someone who is willing to take it slow with you.
Your post doesn’t explicitly say that you are being called an incel. Is that what is happening? If people are calling you an incel, it makes me think that they think you are one of those people you experienced on the internet. Accusing someone of being an incel is more about how they act and not about how much sex they have. So I’d start by looking at yourself and seeing if you share any of those traits. If they are calling you that because you are a virgin, like anime, and live with your parents, then that’s not really cool. But if they are calling you that because you make sexist jokes and refer to your pillow as your waifu, then that can be a real turn off for people.
Being a SA victim and having that affect your sexual health later is a bummer. I’m sorry you are going through that. I’m glad you are in therapy for it. If it’s a personal therapist, maybe they can recommend some kind of group therapy for you so you can connect with others with similar past trauma.
This is a very bizarre post. But I’ll keep my advice short and simple. Stay far, far away from incels. Those people are fucked in the head. They’re awful people, and they’re dangerous. I’m not kidding.
Ignore
Stop telling people you’re a virgin. You’re giving them ammo.
Don’t mention your SA either
I would genuinely like to understand why being a Virgin is a bad thing? If I wasn’t married, I would be 26 and a Virgin and happy. I swear no one could bully or make me feel bad about it.
Stay away from those losers.
Rape is violence. The people who want to say “well TECHNICALLY it IS sex” can fuck right off.
You have not had sex on your terms, with mutual consent. What you endured prior was VIOLENCE, full stop. Any ‘technicalities’ within that horrible experience is moot.
It’s your business. You don’t need to share this information. But if you do, just know anyone who wants to debate your virgin status due to a sexual assault is a gross, miserable, shit, human.
“Virgin” is just a social construct. You get to decide if that’s how you identify. My take- while you’ve never had (consensual) sex, you WERE sexually assaulted in your past.
I really don’t understand who is asking you? It almost seems like you’re having conversations like this often?
Your sex lifers not anyone else’s business. You don’t need to lie, you just tell them it’s isn’t their business…..which is the truth.
You are under no obligation to tell anyone about your trauma. If you want to call yourself a virgin because you’ve never willingly had sex that is absolutely fine.
Being a virgin isn’t a problem.
My advice is just try to not put much thought into it. I know that’s way easier said than done. If you’re thinking about something that always makes you feel bad and not figuring out anything new from thinking about it you’re really just spinning your wheels for no reason.
Truthfully if someone says you’re being dishonest about your virginity because you were raped then they’re a shit person. You didn’t have willingly have sex someone forced you to.
There are a lot of broken, hateful people in this world who spread misery because it’s the only emotion they understand. Those people aren’t your friends. They don’t even like themselves.
I am actually kind of confused what you want advice on?
And if you want advice from people who don’t really have sex, you can ask asexual people?
Virgin tryhard wannabe!
if this is real I just want to reaffirm you’ve done nothing wrong. If someone is judging you for being a virgin they’re the problem, not you, full stop. If anything you’re just weeding out the immature people by letting them know you’re a virgin.
it honestly just sounds like you’re hanging out around the wrong people. I know sometimes that can’t be easily changed but I had to let you know you’ve done nothing wrong and you’ll find someone who’s mature and can understand you eventually. And yeah like others have said stop talking in incel forums, I know it’s hard being lonely and wanting answers but getting affirmation or acceptance from an extremist group like that is never the answer and just leads to more headache
Best you can do is ignore them they are people with low intellect and zero social experiance ofcourse they are going to say some unhinged thing
What can you do?
Stop parading your life on public forums.
Problem solved.
Virginity is a construct anyways. Your virginity is your own, and you can chose to care about it or not, but it should not matter. It’s like, my “first kiss” was against my will, so I don’t usually count it and instead count my second kiss as my “first kiss”. No one needs to know, and it doesn’t matter.
I’m so so sorry you went through that. It’s horrible. I hope you find healing! Don’t listen to people who say it matters and hopefully you will one day find someone who cares about you no matter what your past was 🙂
Here’s the deal, I’m assuming you are a male based on your story.
Yes a lot of people are going to look at you strangely for being a 26 year old male virgin because of stereotypes against males and that we all are overtly sexual and that SA isn’t the same against males as it is against women. The reality is, the SA is about an uneven power dynamic and it can have lasting negative effects on either sex.
Since you have this trauma, you have to navigate who and how you tell people. Because if you just proclaim you are a virgin at 26 it leads to a lot more questions. Which opens up a can of worms about your past you probably don’t want to publicly relive. Only telling people that you are planning on having an intimate relationship with or not saying anything at all is a reasonable approach. If someone asks, you can choose to go into detail or no detail at all, simply saying you had a traumatic event around sex that you prefer not to relive or discuss which has led you to waiting to find the right person to build enough trust for that level of intimacy.
People asking if you are a virgin or even going down that line of questioning should stop to almost never being asked in the near future. After a certain age people tend to stop prying into people’s sexual lives in that manner. It just doesn’t become important to actual adults. So unless you are hinting at it in some way or bringing it into the conversation, you shouldn’t really have people asking you questions.
I hope you are taking continual steps to help heal this trauma from your life and find a way to put the emotional burden in the past. It’s not easy, but if you do not deal with it, it can energetically block successful relationships, sexual fulfilment, and leave you in a place where life doesn’t offer the same levels of opportunity, excitement and experience it does for others.
Best of luck to you in your journey
I’m 17 and the best thing I can tell you is;
Just ignore them, I know it may seem hard to ignore them but you know what you’ve been through. There is nothing wrong with being a virgin and there is nothing wrong with being afraid of intimacy given what you’ve been through. A lot of the people in those incel groups will make fun of you for that regardless, there’s no point explaining anything to them it’s just best to ignore them and leave those groups. Reach out to friends, family, SA groups and hotlines.
Your actions are your own, if you don’t want to do something, you don’t gotta do it. And that’s for any reason. My older brother lost his virginity in his 30s. Everyone runs on their own time.
Anybody who says that stuff about you is not nice, set boundaries and if they violate those, don’t hang with them.
What you need is therapy ✨