What can I do better to be there for my siblings?

I (30m) feel like I am not doing enough to be there for my younger siblings, but I am having a hard time bringing myself to doing more. (26m, 23f, 19m).

As with any family issues/relationships this comes with a good amount of baggage and history for a truly full context, one that I would never be able to translate faithfully into text even if I tried to write down every last memory I had, but I will do my best to summarize in a way that doesn’t just glorify myself or in a way where I’m just throwing a pity party for myself, while still at least providing SOME context.

I’m the oldest of four siblings to two, frankly, irresponsible and neglectful parents who did not even try to provide, and would more often than not prioritize their own fun, vices, fulfillment, and pleasure over actually taking care of their children.

Now, I am the oldest, not by much to my oldest sibling, but by quite a lot to my youngest. Even so, I was placed in a caretaker role by my parents very early and had some rigid values of “you are the oldest, so you are the example” beat into me by them. I can’t say I ever did particularly well at it, and given my own poor conditions I wasn’t exactly the most stable person.

I’d say I did as well as I could have for most part during us growing up, but I made a lot of mistakes. Mistakes I made as a ten to twelve to fifteen year old that I still beat myself up over to this day, because every poor decision I made I could almost see spider out into the bad parts of my siblings’ behavior. Granted, I know on an intellectual level that I can’t blame little me for all the things he did wrong, because he was just a kid, but the emotional shame clings on pretty hard. There was a lot of physical violence at home before my siblings “came online” and started forming memories, and I have to be alright forgiving myself for being a little weird after being wailed on so much obviously.

My siblings, given my role in their lives, became something of a third parent/caretaker but eventually I hit my teens and I became extremely reclusive and loud and angry and discontent. I know I hurt their feelings very deeply during those years. Even as I was shouting at them through the door when they would come knocking just to see me or hang out with me I knew inside that I was doing something bad, but I just couldn’t at the time– I distinctly remember feeling like I was coming apart at the time.

As we got older, I slowly transitioned from angry to melancholic to suddenly finding some purpose through creative works. I met my partner through these creative works, and they moved across the world to be with me. I got a job to sustain us (I don’t love it, but it does the job alright– we’re getting by) and for the first time ever in my late twenties and now into my thirties I am sort of coming back online a little bit. I feel like I’m level. And now, more than ever, I really feel like I failed them. Irrational or not, I just feel like I should’ve kept it together and been the rock I wanted to be. All it should’ve taken was a fundamentally simple act of support, which they were given for so long, and then it was just suddenly withdrawn. I can’t even imagine what that might feel like, having already bad parents and then suddenly having the only other person of responsibility and authority in their lives pull away like that.

But now my siblings are a little older too, and we’ve already drifted apart a bit. Even the one I spend the most time with (my oldest sibling comes by on weekends a good amount) I have a fairly superficial relationship with. I think we both know we love each other, but there’s this barrier between us where emotional vulnerability can’t really sit- and it’s even worse with my other siblings.

At this point, I just feel guilty. They’re doing alright without me, I’m happy for them, and I’m proud of them, and I’m frankly amazed that they managed to get where they are having the same parents as me while also dealing with the emotional rejection I gave them in my teens– but they do still make some efforts. They express wanting to see me, they insist I attend gatherings, they call me to wish me happy birthdays and want badly that I show up for theirs (all of which I usually do) but I feel like I’m holding back from truly stepping back in and reconnecting the way we SHOULD reconnect.

Honestly, I know what I need to do. I need to talk to them individually, I need to explain that I know I’ve been a weird asshole, I need to truly actually be vulnerable about our shared experience in our home life and make an earnest effort to make us a unit again. Really, at the end of the day, what I need help with is the HOW.

How do you get over yourself enough to do this?

How do I beat the shame and ego out of me enough to go talk to them?

I just feel like shit over this so often, and I’m tired of feeling guilty. I just want my siblings back. I know I didn’t ask to be here, I didn’t ask to be a caregiver, but they didn’t ask to be here either, and they certainly didn’t ask for a pre-teen extra parent. Now that I can, even if I’m not going to have the caretaker role, I want to step back up and at least be a fellow sibling in a true and earnest sense.

I’m scared that we’ll keep drifting apart.

TL;DR: How do I reconnect with my siblings after years of complicated family bullcrap?