I’ve been a total codependent my whole life, with my childhood friend I was, then I became like that with another friend in early adulthood, but to a very extreme degree – I would faint when we argued, I would fall on the floor with psychogenic seizures if he blocked me, breaking my cell phone, I would fall by cars, and then I also became codependent with a girl who is now in prison. I had feelings for the extreme one, he didn’t, he’s a sociopath according to him, I recognized narcissistic traits in him, as I was reading about narcissists at the time and was trying to understand trauma bonding (a pattern I follow in all of my relationships with others, I never had a relationship that wasn’t just a chain around traumas) and codependency. This particular guy drove me crazy, because he insulted me no matter what I did for him, he told me I wasn’t worthy, he threatened me, there was a lot. I gave him some surprises for his birthday, I made him videos,gave little gifts, and while he would cry at first, then he would throw them away, blame me for everything, that I did this to manipulate him, he would tell me he would throw them away, he would get caught up in small details, with a lot of anger – rage – and he insulted me very badly each time, that I didn’t understand anything.
He would drink a lot at the time and blame me, that I was causing it and it was my fault. If he couldn’t sleep, it was still also my fault. He would tell me that he didn’t have contact with others, while in reality he was talking with his ex and at one point he would send me screenshots of their messages – the girl telling him that she was worried, he had turned off read receipts and pretended not to see them, and then he would start insulting her that she was lying to him, etc. He blocked her, because she wrote to him that she cared about him. Unlike me, the girl didn’t chase him.
Then he met another girl from a site and they talked on Snapchat and he talked to me every day about her, he showed me how nice he talked to her in messages, while he told me the exact opposite, she, he said, was real and clever and capable and understood and had feelings, and I was useless and incompetent and stupid and empty and a liar. It was like he wanted me to see how he treated her well, and me like trash. He admitted that was what he wanted to show, later on.
And I sat and watched. At one point I was taking medication as he showed me their messages at the time and it was like it satisfied him that I was in pain. And he kept going.
I was discussing it on forums at the time, they told me, he’d do the same to her eventually. And lo and behold, the girl was diagnosed as borderline, and she was sleeping with a lot of people and it twisted him when he saw that while she told him she was in love with him, she continued sleeping with other people and, he did the same things to her that he had done to me, I can’t write what things he said to and about her and generally what his intention was. He also sent me her Snapchat account, to get me mixed in.
She ghosted him shortly after, I was happy about it. At one point I contacted her, and she told me that she considered him a very harmful person for her mental health, that’s why she cut him off. I wondered why she could leave and I couldn’t? But I was happy for her that she left. Although, many times I had wished she would stay (and I tried to convince her to text him again), so that I could leave.
He did the silent treatment many times, so many times, and I would call him if he didn’t answer to the texts, because he had really stressed me out so much with what he was saying that I thought something had happened to him. So I got into the pattern of being unbearable if he didn’t answer right away, it was to an extreme degree, but I improved over time and I no longer minded if he didn’t answer for hours.
We were basically on and off on a rollercoaster and I got addicted. I couldn’t do anything, anything at all if we didn’t talk. When we talked, it was like I was getting my dose, and I was flying, and that lasted for a few hours, until the next “dose”. I was addicted. But with a person, not with a substance. I ended up being able to withstand up to 12 hours without communication. Then I couldn’t stand it, I started losing it after 12 hours.
I also had old patterns of “please block me, go away”, and then cry, “please come back, I can’t”. I did this at first a couple of times, then I stopped.
He had blocked me 145789 times, I found other ways to contact him, other numbers, sent him countless gift cards of the least possible amount to write messages on each gift card (…) and they blocked my bank account then. Anyway, no matter what I did or didn’t do, he always came back.
I did everything for him, I’d leave my job when he wasn’t feeling well, when he sent me disturbing messages at work. He didn’t work at the time and was very jealous of me and generally never respected that I worked. He just considered me lucky that I had a job and that I could go. And insulted me for it.
I couldn’t sleep at night, I’d jump at every sound of my cell phone in case he wanted something. If I was asleep, I would be attacked for not caring and ignoring him. And so if I missed one of his messages, I would start sinking into fear and despair.
He would tell me that we would separate when one of us died.
He blocked me a month ago. I’ve been trying to reach him to no avail. I got a new number to text him today.
He insulted me, said life is better without people,that I’m a parasite, and a liar. He blocked me.
I fell when he blocked me. He said, go **** yourself, look what will happen now, I asked him what will happen? And he blocked me. And I fell.
He always accused me I’d leave him and I never left him. Whatever he accused me of doing, he did it all, never me.
After 6 years, it’s so peaceful. After 6 years, I can sleep without tossing and turning and jolting, I can leave my cell phone at home and go somewhere without it, I can go to the bathroom or take a shower without having to worry about having my cell phone with me, without having to catch my breath because I heard a notification. It’s peaceful, it’s like I had a tumor and they removed it, but it hurts a lot. And I don’t know why.
I am thinking of buying yet another sim card to try contacting him again.
Tldr; codependent abusive relationship, I’ve been trying to reach out, he doesn’t talk to me anymore so I got a new number but blocked there, too
Comments
Sounds like you need therapy pretty badly