I just saw a post about “quiet sufferring” and it’s pretty depressing to be honest. Nobody, man, women, or other should have to suffer through life. Is this not something therapy is supposed to help with? Men who have gone to therapy, what actually do they talk about? What happens in therapy for men?
What do they talk about in therapy for men?
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I just saw a post about “quiet sufferring” and it’s pretty depressing to be honest. Nobody, man, women, or other should have to suffer through life. Is this not something therapy is supposed to help with? Men who have gone to therapy, what actually do they talk about? What happens in therapy for men?
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There’s not really “therapy for men” or “therapy for women” it’s therapy for you
You talk about whatever you need and want to talk about. It should be tailored to your life specifically.
Depends on the man… But therapy is therapy… You talk
When I, a man, went to therapy, we ended up talking about “arrested social development.” Basically, I was feeling the way I was feeling because I was socially isolated in middle and high school, which were important years for social development. So then, in my 20s, when I went to therapy, the therapist explained that, socially, my mind was still trying to get past the middle school stage.
It made a lot of sense to me then.
Problem with modern therapy is it is proven to be more effective for women as that is a more conducive way for them. For men it has shown to not be the case. For men giving him purpose is a much better way of helping him.
Wait….. WTF? I was going to respond with something like “therapy is therapy and men don’t get a special version of it.” But then it hit me, I’ve never been to womens therapy. Dafuq do yall talk about? We talk about problems and triggers and solutions. Are yall in there with chardonnay and chocolates or something?
Bold of you to assume that the bois are going to therapy.
Depends.
When I was a kid we talked about my parents divorce and how that was affecting me (mainly through play).
Later it was a focus on my addiction and coping mechanisms for that.
More recently it has been about the stresses in life with work and a family.
We don’t often get a chance to sit down and talk through a lot of the issues we are having, and having time to have a completely one sided emotional dump onto someone is really helpful, not only because you just need to let shit out sometimes, but also because the therapist can help see connections between issues you are having that you are blind to yourself.
Different therapists approach things differently, so it is hard to tell exactly what a session would look like foe you. This is also why it is important to “shop around” for a therapist who’s style works for you.
You also need to be willing to leave your therapist in the future if they no longer are benefitting you (I know some people feel guilty about this).
It’s highly individual, like it is for women.
During my three separate periods of talking with therapists, I discussed, in order of the time period:
Being suicidal and feeling like I was going through the motions of life.
Being stressed and depressed from school.
Reevaluating myself after school to see if my better state of mind was a good state of mind or better but still needed work.
im a psychologist. there is no gender specific therapy.
all it is, is, you go and tell them what you are struggling with, your early background history and your social background such as what your family dynamic/relationship dynamics are, what your friends are like etc. you can also talk about socioeconomic difficulties like employment, housing etc, & all of these details help the therapist figure out what kind of support would benefit you. typically you would build a formulation report together which allows you to collaborate on the next steps. after that you would go through the therapy process which can range from anything like CBT to EMDR light therapy.
in general though you dont need to be “ill” to go to therapy some people even just go for stress or marital difficulties
For me I’ve been talking with my therapist about the trauma of circumcision and how it was handled. It’s hard to deal with an unnecessary and damaging surgery forced on you. there is a lot there to unpack and doing IFS parts work to heal from it
“Why do you think about your ex so much?”
“Do you feel uncomfortable with anyone in your family?”
“Why are you talking to me today?”
For me, therapy is about letting out my personal issues without being judged or having to worry about it coming back to bite my back.
Once I let it out, I feel much lighter and have more clear thoughts on how to improve my life. It helps my focus my thoughts internally and be more selfish which was needed for a long time.
The same shit they talk about in therapy for women. That’s why I don’t go.
Therapy is pretty individualized. Pretty much your first visit or two will often be setting goals or talking about where your issues are.
One of the reasons why men generally avoid therapy is because they say it doesn’t work. And they have a point. Talk therapy works great with women. Not so much men.
The male brain is very much solution-oriented. Think of the advice commonly given to married men when their wives are venting to them: just listen, don’t offer advice. Our brains don’t work like that. So when men are sitting in a therapy session and just talking it out, one part of them feels good to “get it off their chest” but the other half is confused and disappointed because they’re thinking “okay, but what do I need to do now to make things better? I don’t have any solutions. What the hell am I paying for?”
In my own personal experience, I’ve responded best when I’ve dealt with a coach and a therapist that gives me homework or points me in a direction that gives me my power and agency back. I believe most men would agree with me.
It depends on what you go to therapy for. Anger management, loneliness, depression.
Depends. My therapist tries to give me solutions for my problems which is why I think it works for me when it doesn’t for other men.
Depends on the person and what you’re going in for. I do CBT and it can range anywhere from talking about work to my relationship to family. Mostly going over proactive coping styles and trying to break out of negative thought patterns. But heck, sometimes I’ll talk to my therapist about books I’m reading or share workout tips.
I’d gone to the one I do now after a referral from a prior therapist as a teen, and periodically come back during rough periods in my life. I’m usually in there for anxiety related sleep disorders and depressive symptoms though, so therapy is tailored to that and how it’s approached varies from person to person. Though I will say, having a straight male therapist was different from having a woman and was different from going to a gay man. Just different temperaments and approaches to things (particularly with relationships), but that also has to do with differing personalities.
You talk through your feelings with someone who is trained not to advise, get enmeshed, opine, etc, but someone who can hold what you just said and help you look at it differently. Like they may call out ways that you’re not being consistent, or that you may be projecting, etc. and the point isn’t “you’re wrong and this is the right way to think”
It’s just helping you explore that and grow.
I had to undergo a career change I really didn’t want and I felt a lot of shame about “giving up.” I saw a therapist who helped me to see that as valid, grieve, and let it go. You also learn that actually, most things, even really awful unthinkable things, have a finite amount of sadness associated with them. You don’t cry forever. To be honest even 20 minutes usually does it. And then it’s like taking a huge shit- you’re lighter, you feel better, you can get back in the game. I often think there can be a misperception with men that those emotions are the “goal” and therapy somehow wants us to give up and cry all day instead of solving problems. Instead, the crying, the journaling, etc is just a step in solving the problem. Every problem is better solved when you’re clear headed and grounded and therapy has helped me to learn how to do that.
I learned to box breath.
At first I just talked about my ex a lot. I was in an abusive relationship for 4 years. We worked through that and I don’t talk as much about it. Basically we just talk about whatever has happened since our last meeting and what stresses are weighing me down. I tried going once a month but I found I had too much to talk about within the hour, so I go every 2 weeks.
For me, it’s usually talking about various stressors in my life. I understand myself and why I am this way, but I need help changing how I relate to people and approach relationships.
She basically listens to me talk, asks questions regarding my thought process and feelings, and then offers insight or critique to nudge me in a healthier direction and/or help me clarify my self-doubt.
Not much. It’s a place you go, you talk about what’s bothering you, and the therapist goes, “There there, I acknowledge your feelings” while offering no real solutions or fixes to the problem.
I guess therapy must work for women, because talking about their feelings makes them feel better. I’m not sure how that’s supposed to be helpful for men, who are looking for ways to take action to solve their problems.
I had ‘therapy’ of sort. Person-centred therapy.
She asked me what was bothering me, I told her.
She asked how I felt about certain things, I told her.
She asked me to examine some assumptions, if they were really true, I said probably not completely.
She said was it right that I had to carry the load for all of my family, I said yes. She said she wasn’t sure.
She basically was nudging me slightly to be more independent from my family and provide for them less, and prioritise myself. Which is a nice idea but not a luxury a lot of men have. And it’s not really what I wanted to get from it, either.
But the most valuable thing I did take from it is the idea that I’m more than my job. That I probably do have innate value, I just don’t see it and probably the people around me (except for my children) don’t see it as much because I’m valued for what I do and what I provide.
Honestly one of the most therapeutic things I’ve done, and I’ve done it a number of times, is going to the Lake District with (male) friends, and going for lots of walks and having some somber moments in the evening together sat around a BBQ or pub fireplace. I think it’s having an environment free from duty. You are not obligated to do anything or be anything there. And you can feel that the other men you are with feel that same, quiet, freedom – and that they need it just as much as you do, even if just for a little while. And that shared feeling does make you feel a lot better about it all.
In my therapy it was one on one with a girl around my age. We talked about my confidence issues, harsh realities for being a man. Sexual frustrations from a mans perspective. It was very eye opening.
When I used to see a therapist in high school, we’d just talk about everyday life, but they would typically give me an outsiders perspective of the situations I was in which I always loved and appreciated. I didn’t really need therapy at that point, but I enjoyed it and my mom thought I did because my brother had been acting out and getting in trouble, so we both got sent to therapy.
I wouldn’t mind going back to a therapist now, especially after my dad passed (he was a contributing source for why my brother got us sent to therapy in the first place, shocking, right?) but I’m already so booked up 7 days a week that I find myself wishing we had 25 hours in a day sometimes.
I’ve been to one, and you know what the therapist did for me? Mostly, he validated my feelings, I left the room feeling so good and relieved. He did help find solutions for my issues etc, but what really stuck for me was being listened to and agreed with. I think most men need these two things the most.
I am going to get flak for this, but therapy is essentially useless. I have tried it solo and couples, waste of time. What good comes from focusing on all the negatives in life constantly? If you want a positive/engaging life you need to choose to be positive and take the negatives as lessons and learn from them. I have gotten further from journalling and understanding my own emotions/thoughts than any therapy session ever ‘taught’ me…
I’ve worked as a therapist in various roles over the last 11 years, primarily in addiction counselling roles.
A couple of caveats first. I want to be clear that this is based on my own observations, not strictly any clinical evidence. I also want to be clear that my roles have been largely based on high complexity Clients. The various behaviours of my Clients may not reflect the average person attending therapy.
I also want to address a couple of comments on here regarding efficacy in treatment for men. I haven’t noticed any particular difference between men and women in terms of efficacy in treatment. People who say otherwise, I suspect, misunderstand the evidence, or have not reviewed it themselves. Men may respond better to certain kinds of therapy, but I’m not aware of any good evidence that therapy doesn’t work, or is overall less effective for men.
There’s also a danger of a self fulfilling prophecy. Men may attend therapy with a pre-conceived idea that therapy doesn’t work for men, and when there is an inevitable rupture, or barrier to treatment to overcome, it provides permission to terminate for the Client, thus fulfilling the prophecy.
As for what men talk about, I would say it comes down to three main things (i will try and present these topics neutrally, as they are often loaded or volatile topics for people):
In my experience, men are often far less supported, (regardless of the reasons why), and this creates a much higher risk profile.
I would say that since men are having a tendancy to internalise their issue, having a safe space where you can express how you really feel can help remove some frustration you was building up.
My boyfriend has told me that his therapist is around the same age and has a lot of similar life experiences, so while his therapist helps him with obsessive thoughts, anxiety, and fear of death, they also just shoot the shit a lot because my bf doesn’t have many friends he feels he can open up to. I’ve tried encouraging him to be more vulnerable with people and they will respond accordingly, but I don’t actually know if that’s true because I’m a woman and vulnerability is expected of me. His colleagues are also half his age, whereas mine are peers. He also has a lot more frequency of people being rude or insulting to him just as a baseline, and we both work in customer service. I’m constantly boggled by the absolute nads in some of these folks that talk smack to my bf. He’s the sweetest teddy bear on earth with a resting dick face and he pays the price. But his medication for anger also muted other emotions, and he’s not willing to be too emotional because he’s gotten fired for it – i.e. had a mental break and got fired for it. Men fucking have it hard.
Me and my wife went to therapies separately, and we just worked on things that bothered in ourselves.
I would not say there were some specific gendered differences. I was working on my traumas and then I was working on things that weren’t related to my trauma, but I had no idea how to deal with them.
Same thing my wife experienced.
Therapists are cool, just need to find the right one. There’s a lot of approaches, find what works for me. I went to CBT first, but then I started to gravitate MCBT and later ACT.
My first therapist even recommended me to check MCBT at a certain point, so I went to another ACT therapist (ACT, is also heavily utilizes mindfulness)
Just switch your question to “what happens in therapy”. We aren’t all the same. Therapy is different for everyone. And yes, everyone should see a therapist. They might learn things about themselves.
Since Talk Therapists aren’t Physicians and don’t practice medicine, the conversations could be about bowling, fluid dynamics, nachos or practically anything.
Therapy for men is the same as therapy for women…if you happen to find a good therapist
I only found pill pushers so I stopped trying therapy and just resided myself to the fact that I had nobody to talk to and probably never will
A lot of guys won’t even attempt therapy because some people will judge them and label them as weak for going
My therapist helped me reframe my feelings into something positive. We talked a lot about things I can control vs. things I can’t control, and gave me some strategies to manage my anger and anxiety about things I can’t control. He also suggested I talk to my doctor about a mood stabilizer. It was entirely positive.
We talk about my specific stressors, relationships, grief, stuff like that.