First, I’m not saying it’s impossible that she could ever change, but probably pretty darn unlikely.
My toxic, narcissistic MIL made some bad choices last weekend and every single interaction since then has been a doubling (or tripling) down on her nasty behaviors.
I’m 100% at no contact level at this point, along with my kids. Husband is as close as he can be without going over.
According to DH, his dad is a shell of himself. We’ve had no arguments, just one phone call when she called to berate my husband for planning on coming over to talk. DH has been cool and calm through all of it. Neither of us want to fight…we just want to be left alone
Give it to me straight, PLEASE. It’s not my fault if she is old and frail and I decide that I just can’t be a part of her life anymore, right? It’s not my fault if she is sad to lose contact with the kids, and possibly or son, right? My duty is to protect them first…right? If she has a coronary from stress, it’s not my fault…right?
Oh I hate it all! I hate the control she always has that I can’t even escape her without worrying about how she’ll feel. She never cared about OUR feelings, but somehow I have to go and do this really hard thing which I know is the right choice for my family, but what is it going to do to her (and FIL)?
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Other posts from /u/pinetreesandsunnygs:
Update to my body shaming mother in law drama, 2 days ago
MIL making comments about my kids’ weight., 4 days ago
MIL and FIL show up unannounced with gifts, 2 months ago
Stuff my JNMIL says, 6 months ago
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You worry about her feelings? You know she decides her feelings in any situation Take any situation and she can attach any emotion she wants. You have no control over this. You’re right. She doesn’t care about your feelings so why do you care so much about this? It’s best to focus on the welfare of yourself and family. No she will never change. People seldom change.
Her actions aren’t your fault and her feelings aren’t your responsibility. Don’t feel like you have to take any accountability for either of them.
Your kids coming first is a needed rule. If she poses a danger to them, then they have to be your priority.
You don’t have to go over and talk to her. Your DH can handle his family. However, I understand it might be easier for him if you go together to share the load and you may choose to do that.
Is there a reason you and your kids can’t continue to see FIL without MIL? I know that may end up being the outcome, but does that rule need to come from you/DH?
It is not your fault, she is getting pissed because she is losing control. You are protecting your peace and your girls peace and their self esteem!!!! Your MIL should NOT be body shaming your girls or you.
We are 100% NC with mine. She has great-grandkids she doesn’t know. We live a peaceful existence. She’s tucked away in a nursing home. Nothing that happens to her health wise is your fault. Older people have health issues. It’s a fact of life. Your family absolutely deserves to be protected from her and her nonsense.
TBH, it sounds like you’re going through a tough time and IMO, you gotta prioritize you and your kids first. No one should have to deal with toxic ppl, regardless of their age or connection to you. If she changes, awesome, if not, that’s on her, not you. It’s not your job to take on her emotional baggage. She’s gotta deal with it herself. So stay strong and do wut’s best for your fam. It’s not on you if she can’t handle it. Remember, good fences make good neighbors. Stay firm! ❤️
OP, you are correct, protecting your family outweighs anything MiL related by far. You are not responsible for her life and her relationships, therefore when they fail the onus is not on you to fix it. She is accountable for the quality of connections she’s cultivated over the years, if they were healthy and meaningful she wouldn’t be in this situation in the first place.
If MIL couldn’t achieve satisfaction with her existence in the past 6+ decades she surely won’t be able to do that in her final years. Even if she was a decent kind woman at some point, now she is ruled by her dysfunction. To continue engaging with her is to be in service to that dysfunction. Fil knows whom he married, he made a choice to stay and not challenge her. If he is suffering perhaps counselling could help. p
Why does DH even to have a conversation with her about it?! Has she demonstrated in the past week, month, year, decade any willingness to change or be more agreeable? Most likely no. There is no need to wait for her to come to some kind of understanding. Disconnect from it all and stop making yourselves available. Deprive the narcissistic MiL of the her audience, give no more opportunities to act a fool.
Just stop engaging and keep moving forward. Take a few days to destress as a family instead. When you are well rested and no longer stressed you can revisit the subject and see IF there is a need to recalibrate your approach.
You need to look at the definition of a narcissist and the reddit pages on it. They don’t GAF about ANYTHING that doesn’t meet their goals. They will NEVER accommodate you unless it meets their own needs. CUT HER OFF
Walk out. I did it with my 90yro father.
You are not responsible for anyone else’s emotions. Full stop. She is a grown-ass adult, and she is responsible for her own emotional regulation.
(She still can’t handle your boundary about not talking about weight, I assume?)
I feel for you! Kind of in the same boat with my 82 year old JNMIL. We have every right to protect ourselves from toxic behavior, no matter who it’s coming from.
Her age doesn’t absolve her behavior. NC is self-defense.
FIL also made his choice to stay with a woman like that. There are always options and he chose this. He can still have a relationship with his son but it has to be away from MIL so it can actually thrive.
You don’t owe anyone complete submission and to be a part of their lives. She caused this and refuses to change. Anyone is able to change. Some old people are perfectly able to be pleasant to others and seem to reserve their bad behavior for family, thinking they’ll accept it because “family”.
You, your kids and even your husband deserve to live a life without drama and stress.