We married two months after meeting. Now we’re 2 years in. I’ve grown a lot through this relationship—better communication, more self-awareness—but we’re polar opposites with little shared interest, no real partnership in daily life, and misaligned values. I handle everything at home while he contributes more financially but won’t engage in anything domestic or emotional. We both work full time, but he makes more money. He does car maintenance, but nothing other than that. This is not an exaggeration, I promise you.
I’ve have meaning outside the marriage, but I can’t tell if that’s healthy adaptation or quiet resignation. I know I’d be fine on my own, but I also see the good that’s here. Has anyone faced this? How do you know if staying is strength or self-abandonment?
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We married two months after meeting. Now we’re 2 years in. I’ve grown a lot through this relationship—better communication, more self-awareness—but we’re polar opposites with little shared interest, no real partnership in daily life, and misaligned values. I handle everything at home while he contributes more financially but won’t engage in anything domestic or emotional. We both work full time, but he makes more money. He does car maintenance, but nothing other than that. This is not an exaggeration, I promise you.
I’ve found ways to create meaning outside the marriage, but I can’t tell if that’s healthy adaptation or quiet resignation. I know I’d be fine on my own, but I also see the good that’s here. Has anyone faced this? How do you know if staying is strength or self-abandonment?
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That’s the issue lol you only knew them two months 😂
Shared values are critical. You’ve got to have basics like that in place to build on a healthy foundation.
Sounds like counseling is the next step.
Get out….get out now. Or at least I hope you have a prenup. I was in a similar boat. Married after only knowing each other for a few months, realized very quickly that we had little in common…all the red flags were there. But “we loved each other” and “if we keep working it’ll get better.” Nope. Things kept getting worse and we kept growing apart…I kept tricking myself with “just give it more time and it’ll improve.” Nope. Finally after 8 years we’re going through the divorce now…. And she’s definitely taking me to the woodshed for alimony/assets. I wish I’d been mature enough to recognize the signs and strong enough to accept them and end things when the issues first popped up. But I was naive, in love, and believed that even though 60% of marriages end in divorce, that applied to “other people” and not to us…how silly I was and now I’m paying for it.
One of my friends recently shared that when her mother passed, her father was completely helpless- but not in a heartfelt and loving way. Her mother did everything- maintained the home, wrote letters, did the cleaning and organizing. Shortly after her mother’s death, her father remarried and both of his living children distanced themselves.
My question for you is: do you believe self-sacrifice in this context is honorable or heartbreaking?
Good luck to you, OP. You’re already asking the right questions. I recommend you imagine what this feeling will illicit in another 10 years, especially with children.
Can you translate that without therapy speak?
What do you mean by “misaligned values?”
The fuck does, “create meaning outside the marriage” mean?
You clearly have different goals and lifestyles and interests and you said you already are seeking meaning outside of the marriage so… why not stay outside it, right?
You could be married to someone who actually does share you hobbies and interests and lifestyle, helps you out, etc. Why would you try to save this marriage if a better one can be found?
This needs some outside intervention. It could be that he is a crappy husband or you are an entitled wife, hard to tell from two paragraphs. Fortunately (?) 2 years is not too long, so maybe an amicable dissolution can be achieved since it sounds like that’s where you are headed.
This sounds like you are friends rather than lovers.
Well, you got married before you ever knew him, you’ve got nothing in common, and you resent him for not contributing to the household.
Yeah, that was a screwup.
It’s not my place to tell you to divorce him, but I WILL say that there’s nothing wrong with being your own person in addition to being married. If you truly have a misalignment in interests and goals though, then you’re just going through the motions until someone makes the first move. Life passes by quickly when you’ve got a relationship and a full time job and a household. How much of yourself, your values, your goals, and the rest of your life are you willing to give up just for the appearance of being happy?
I think a lot of people expect more out of relationships than they should. If you are genuinely unhappy or in physical danger that’s one thing, but if you are expecting your to fullfill you rather than just being a good companion you are asking to much.
Ahahaha
“Married 2 months after meeting”