I am 32F my partner is 40M. We’ve been together nearly a decade. I’m seeking help to understand if this pattern is fixable.
I’ve had the realization lately that the fights in my relationship go something like this.
-
I bring up a hurt or need
“Hey, when you did XYZ, it made me feel unsupported / unseen / hurt.” -
He immediately defends himself
“That’s not what I meant.”
“You didn’t appreciate what I was doing.”
He focuses on why he is not wrong, not how I feel.
-
He goes on the attack or deflects
“Someone else would be so appreciative of xyz”
“I don’t feel appreciated by you.” -
He kind of apologizes?
“I’m sorry you felt that way. But”
“I failed you from your perspective but” -
He minimizes and soothes
“That’s in the past”
“I just want you to be happy I don’t like to see you crying not about me I want you to be happy.”
I don’t know how to break out of this pattern. I don’t know if it is salvageable and I’d like to know from people in longer term relationships like me (nearly a decade) how they overcame it.
For small things, like dishes, who cares? But for the big things, like medical care, or bigger hurts, I don’t know if I continue to be invalidated emotionally like this.
Thanks.
Comments
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He sounds very defensive and if he’s been like this for over a decade, he probably wouldn’t change. You staying with him for a long time is also validating that what he’s doing isn’t wrong, if not why would you be with him for a long time? I think it’s best to leave him cause I don’t think he will change.
Most men try to solve things logically but the women seek emotional availability and this is how the pattern never breaks, This is something he needs to understand, that whenever you are bringing something he should accept it and assure you, not tell you what he meant. Every couple faces this issue and it has only one solution, listen to your woman, she’s going through something that’s why she’s telling you, she needs you to calm her and everything will be fine. I hope this helps and you guys get normal, my wishes are with you.
im only mentioning this cause you mentioned medical care. i am 22 and was with my partner for 3 years anytime he was sick, had an injury, needed surgery, doctor appt etc i was there and helped him and took care of him. when he got his wisdom teeth out i went to the store and got all the correct food he could eat. i wrote down his medication schedule etc. when he got injuries i bought the ice packs, braces, drove him to appts , etc. over the years our fights were similar to how you are describing. in october 2024 i got a chronic illness and was sick for months not knowing what was going on and he left me so fast like if i was a stranger. before i even got my diagnosis. never cared to ask me what ended up happening, never helped take care of me, and if he did it was super minimal and i would have to basically direct him. i wish i dumped him way before i was ever sick. i wish i dumped him during the first signs. if i never got a chronic illness we’d probably still be dating and then eventually have kids and he would definitely not help me out medically or when im sick. if you don’t think he’s gonna help u when ur pregnant, sick , injured, growing old. when you’re pregnant you don’t wanna have to still be taking care of him. when you have kids and are sick with a virus you don’t wanna have to take care of yourself, the kids, and him. u need to find someone who can help you when you’re down. someone who doesn’t mind picking up the extra slack when you can’t. if u could see ur relationship being this way then i say just end it now. if you don’t feel appreciated it’s time to end it now. cause when u can no longer serve him he’s gonna end it and then ur gonna have to deal with the trauma of whatever you’re going thru AND the heart break.
also i don’t think the dishes is a small thing . if ur constantly repeating urself and constantly feeling annoyed and stressed , all stresses add up no matter how big or small. until it just tips over
I probably overcame this in my 30s. For me and my partner its hey this happened, I felt or feel like this, one of us will say sorry and then we continue as normal. I don’t think we’ve had a row in about 3 years now.
I’m not really sure how we got there, it was just a case of knowing that both of us want the best for each other even if we may go about it the wrong way sometimes and listening to eachother when we get it wrong. When we do it not a big deal. If I piss her off, I just don’t do it again unless I think it’s unreasonable then I push back and we have the conversation until it’s resolved and the same if it’s the other way round to.
I try and remember API (Assume Positive Intent) it immediately defuses most negative thoughts unless I have evidence that the intent isn’t positive!
The hugest sign of emotional immaturity is when a person cannot let go of their ego and pride, and offer a sincere apology without reservation. “I’m sorry, BUT…” is never a true apology. Its pride masked as remorse. And until your partner is able to recognize this red flag of his and change, your issues will always fall on deaf ears. Either that, or he will deflect by saying something like “i hear you, and im sorry i hurt you, but you also hurt me during that one time yada yada yada”.
It’s a form of zero accountability. It’s immature. And it has no place in long term, healthy relationships.
Real problem solving involves acknowledging when and where you’ve hurt your partner, accepting that their source of hurt was from an action you’ve made, and showing remorse by not only apologizing, but offering an action plan to course correct the wrong doing. That’s how healthy relationships work. Both partners are fully aware that they are both flawed, and are open to listening and hearing their partner, acknowledging they did something wrong, apologizing without reservation, then course correcting with an action plan.