I (30F) grew up always assuming that everyone finds their person eventually and that marriage (and kids if you wanted them) were a given. Sure, people get divorced and some people are unhappy, but they’re the exception, not the rule, right?
Well I grew up, and I’m finding that truly happy marriages between two equal partners is more of the exception than the rule and that unhappy marriages and divorces are becoming more of the norm. I’ve had a few LTR’s but eventually I didn’t trust that they’d be a good life partner (no regrets). I’ve heard so many different narratives on marriage — everything from “never settle! Better to wait long than marry wrong!” to “if you’re expecting perfection you’ll never get it, better to settle for ‘good enough’ than to end up alone.”
I’m continuing to date but I’m submitting to the fact that I may very well one day have a child on my own and live life without a partner (coming from a place of realism more than cynicism). I of course have friends in very happy, loving marriages and I aspire to have what they do, but it may not happen for me. I have a large extended family and I’ve only ever really seen “one” way to live life past your 30’s. This is true for all my aunts/uncles and cousins. I’m fairly active and have a ton of hobbies I love (travel, crafting, running, climbing, etc.) but I don’t often see women in their 40’s and beyond engaging in these things by themselves or not having a family to focus on. That said, looking into the future, seeing myself in a home by myself with my dog, my hobbies, my work and possibly a child of my own honestly seems pretty darn good. Of course the ideal scenario would be having a partner in life to do all this with, but I’d rather no partner than the wrong one.
All of this is to say I’d love some perspective on what life looks like in your 40’s and beyond for women who didn’t take society’s “traditional approach” to life. I feel like women are doing a better job of getting rid of the “old maid” stereotype and showing society how good life can be, but I’ve just never had those examples in my life. Would love to hear your thoughts!
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Honestly? It sounds kind of blunt, but my observation is if you have plenty of money and reasonable relatives, then life looks pretty good but if you don’t then it can easily become absolute shit. I’ve seen more than one financially below average lifelong (legally) single woman basically become a 24/7 caregiver for elderly, ailing, and often very difficult parents – an arrangement that nearly everybody in that circle condones because the perception is that she has no family of her own to take care of.
Plus, if she comes from a more patriarchal background and has the misfortune of any male siblings, then she might need to prepare for the bulk of the family inheritance to go to her brethren and then she might need to apply to the courts for a more fair/equitable distribution. I’ve seen previously “harmonious” families get torn apart by this sort of thing, and yeah it was a very unfortunate sight to witness.
I know what you mean, it feels so rare to see women in their 40s living their best life as a single woman. I knew one gal who was 48, never married, and owned her condo in a big city. I’m ashamed to say that I kind of pitied her (I was in my 20s at the time and still steeped in my conservative upbringing), even though when I look back on it, she seemed happy, had a good career, got to host friends in her condo all the time, and was a very stable, cute, active, self-assured person.
statistically, aren’t unmarried women 30+ like THE happiest group?
I’m an emt and I’ve had a lot of patients both male and female who, for whatever reason, have ended up alone in old age. Like the other commentator says, the quality of life depends on how you’ve prepared. If you’ve got no savings, no friends, no community, no health then yea it’ll be bad. But the ones who took care of themselves health wise and financially were better off. The rich ones who were alone were still lonely, but even the poorer ones who had community were still okay.
I would say most important is your physical health, then your finances and the third but equally important as finances issue is your community.
I’m a 43-year-old woman, never married—not by choice, but simply because I haven’t met the right single man. From my perspective, life feels static, plain, lonely, and dull.
They did a study that single women live longer than married women and have less health problems.
Im looking for single, child-free women…IG “influencers” over 30 living their best lives. So if you know any, please reply 😫. Nothing but pregnant women and glp1s all over my explore page currently and I don’t like that.
Ooo, that’s me! I’m a week out from being 42, never married, no kids. Honestly I don’t know what people bitch and complain about, unless they truly WANT to be married. My life is awesome and very full! I just got back yesterday from a week-long trip in Key West with my godkids and it was wonderful! I bought a house on Lake Michigan last year and all they can talk about now is how it’s going to continue to be a beach year at Aunt KishBish’s house; I told them of course, but that there’s going to be a LOT of company so check with me first. I work full-time in a 100% remote job that I love so I travel a lot because I can, I’m on the board of directors for a nonprofit that is incredibly important to me, I volunteer at a couple of museums teaching kids and adults, I restore antique radios and phonographs for fun and profit, I’ve published four novels and am working on a fifth, on and on and on….. Hell no, I don’t meet whatever the old stereotype for unmarried women exists! I have my own house(s), my own money, a lot of friends that feel more like family, actual family, my own goals/dreams that there are no impediments to… I’m not lonely, quite the opposite, I wish I had MORE time just to myself for my projects, but I’m involved in a lot and it’s important to me to feel connected to people/my community/my work.
The only limits you have are the ones you put on yourself. Everything you mention above about what scares you being alone — all of that can be addressed. And honestly? Us 40+ year old single women are out here living our lives (I have several close friends who are single in their 40’s), none of us are hiding, but there aren’t a huge number of us. However, if you can find us, we’ll happily take you under our wing and show you our ways!
In many ways it’s great — you get a lot of freedom to do what you want when you want. The downside is that it’s sometimes lonely especially on weekends and even more so when you have some kind of health issue.
But married women don’t always have this kind of support either, especially when they have kids, as evidenced by many posts in this sub. The grass is always greener.
The unhappy/divorced ARE actually the rule
It’s pretty awesome.
I can do whatever I want whenever I want.
When a fellow single friend says “We should travel to [place]” we can immediately start planning it. I don’t have to “check with the husband” to see if we have some couple-obligation that isn’t on my calendar or see if it’s in the family budget. I manage my own money and I’m very detailed about it.
I love having my own living space exactly how I want it. I don’t have to worry about someone else not cleaning up after themselves or feeling like someone else isn’t pulling their weight when it comes to household upkeep or mental labor.
I am open to being in a relationship, but I never want to get married, and I also don’t want to live with a partner. I’ve built a good life for myself- good family and friends, fun hobbies, good career, so a relationship would just be the cherry on the sundae or life… not necessary, but I wouldn’t be mad if it happened.
There’s also a lot of peace that comes with being single…. there’s no worries about “my SO does XYZ, what do I doooooooo!!!!”.
With that said, being single does mean there’s no “divide and conquer” when it comes to life gets annoying. If the dog vomits and the car breaks down and the dryer stopped working all at the same time, it’s up to me to figure it all out. It can be overwhelming, but there are also people in couples who are left doing it all themselves anyway, so there’s that.
Being single is more expensive- you can’t split living expenses unless you have roommates, and if there are things you don’t feel comfortable doing, you have to pay someone to do it, or learn how to do it yourself.
With all that said, if I could go back, I’d do it exactly the same. I love how things have panned out.
So many Red Pill Podcast Bros will say “You’re going to be alone and a cat lady!” Like… don’t threaten me with a good time… I love the peace and freedom that comes with being single. I’d pick that over being with a dusty man any day.
I prefer to have a man but not live together. That life isn’t for me (so far). I’ve lived with previous boyfriends but I never enjoyed it as much as if we just saw each other and then had alone time. That’s just my personality. Also equally happy being single. I don’t see the married life with kids mainly because of the kids part. I can’t even be bothered listening to other people talk about it let alone experience it.
Freedom.
I’m a mid-40s woman never married no kids. I’m doing well for myself but I’m in a profession that I make 90th percentile income for all mid-40s individuals (men and women).
I run, strength training, cook as a hobby and read. Most of my friends don’t have kids. They are either married, partnered or single.
I was living my best life in my 30s, running and outdoors sports. I was in a LTR but he’s an alcoholic and his job took him to a place that doesn’t have good career prospects for me. We split up in my late 30s and I have found the dating pool for my age to be shit.
You may want to read r/askwomenover40 and r/askwomenover50
There are a ton of posts of single or divorced women who are very happy to be solo.
Also if you end up never married and no kids, you will likely meet other women with no kids. Because the women who have time for hobbies that take a lot of time will find each other
I’m a 42 year old asexual woman and it’s pretty nice but I’ve had to come to terms with the fact that I’m going to die alone in a nursing home.
We can’t answer this question. The women who lived unmarried before us lived in cultures that didn’t accept this possibility, instead, they pathologized it.
But, we can see, unfolding before us:
I think in the future we’ll see men and women coming together to have children as single coparents without marriage. I think this option will be a realistic good choice because consistent sex and conceiving naturally is more successful than IVF and you’ll have a father to help.
And women choosing to raise children with their female friends and being totally single or dating men.
The possibilities are endless.
I didn’t have a role model of a successful unmarried, non-divorced woman growing up. Yet I have always imagined that I would be single and childless and adequately happy.
I don’t know how my life compares to other single, childless women. I am financially secure. I have a small social circle, which is fine by me because I am a loner. I do a little traveling and I keep myself entertained with gardening, bike-riding, and artwork. I keep tabs on my family on a weekly basis and send a little money home to help my parents keep their house tidy. I have a cat who I am trying to befriend. My life isn’t the most exciting one but I enjoy it.
I’m 40, childless, and never married. I have friends in the same category but also have friends who are married with kids. And now that we’re entering this age, a lot of couples are divorcing. 🤷🏾♀️
It’s very apples to oranges. And I think in the end it’s a wash.
I don’t have to really plan anything. Like I’m looking to take a flight internationally next month because I feel like it. My friends with kids can’t do that.
I have a house, a car, and a dog all paid for by me. I don’t split finances which sucks to a degree since the US is made for couples. But also I get to decide what to do with my money. And I’m lucky to be paid enough to afford my lifestyle.
I have friends and I go out. I’m not lonely, I don’t think. I go on dates with men and it reminds me how boring some of them are 🤷🏾♀️ it’s hard to find a personality that I vibe with in my current city.
May be I’ll find the man I’m meant to be with. Ultimately I hope I do since I’d like to experience romantic love. But it’s not at the forefront of my mind.
I’m not concerned about growing old with someone. I’d probably outlive him anyway.
Its ok if you have relatives and enough resources that you can throw money at everything. If not, you are cooked.
No friends dont count. Lets be real, chosen family is bullshit and the average friend is just to the extent of social events and hangouts, anything beyond that friend will go “it is not my burden to bear you dont have a partner or extended family”
I’m in my early forties and a single mom by choice to an amazing little boy. Like many, I always wanted to be a mom but never found the right man. I am fortunate to have the complete support of my parents and a stable high paying job that allows me to work from home. I am very happy with my life, but it took a lot to get to this point and to truly accept myself as a single person. I’d add that I had no trouble finding other moms who made the same choice I did and we always help each other out whether it’s with sharing clothes, toys, play dates, favors, etc. It’s a really great community and I’m also in touch with the parents of my son’s half-siblings who share his male donor.
I’m 46, never married, no kids. I’m fine without kids, but would love a partner, were he the right one. I’m not unhappy though. Financially it’s a bit of a struggle on my particular single income in my HCOL city. But I am totally rich in great friendships and hobbies. I hike, dance, karaoke, go backpacking, see live music and theatre, garden, learn new languages – often solo. I have a really good job (on paper) that is frankly not intellectually stimulating enough but I am able to do my creative passion on the “side” which helps a bit in that regard. I live in a city I love and try and travel as much as feasible.
I’m definitely not where I thought I’d be by this age (thought I’d be married and a home owner) but I’m healthy, have a truly great community and a lot of interests. I do need to work on setting myself up a bit better financially for the future.
There is nothing wrong with staying single and having a child on your own if that is what you want to do, but I do think you are quite young to already start thinking about that if you prefer to do it with a partner. The fact that you are 30 years old and you already seem to know so many people that are married with kids makes me wonder if you are in the south or from a traditional background?
I can tell you that here in the NYC area, getting married and having a child in your 20s is the exception, not the rule, and most women do this in their 30s. Even the handful of couples that I know that did get married in their 20s did so in their late 20s and most started having children in their 30s, having their 2nd or 3rd in their mid to late 30s.
I have a friend who is 43 and pregnant with her first, after getting married a year ago. I have another friend who had her first at 37 after being married for 2 years. I’m 36 and married for 2 years and we are just starting to try.
Of course pregnancy as you get into your late 30s and 40s is more difficult than when you are younger. But you are still so far away from that! Start looking into things you can do NOW, like checking your fertility and freezing your eggs, to set you up for better success in the future.
By all means, stay single and have a child on your own if that is what you desire. But 30 is not a death sentence! Consider yourself lucky that you got to a point in your life that you know what you really want and will find that, as opposed to settling with someone earlier in life before you really knew who you were/what you really wanted.
My godmother is unmarried and is almost 70.
She’s an archaeologist and now that she’s retired, a university lecturer.
She’s very happy and is always busy, it’s hard to get a hold of her!
She has a very fulfilling life imo.
I don’t know if this counts, but my partner and I never intend on getting married. The government isn’t allowed in my pants or my relationships.
I’m a very happily single woman of 47. I also assumed I’d ultimately meet the right guy and get married (never wanted kids) but since that didn’t happen for me, I’ve embraced the freedom to do what I want when I want and never have to compromise.
Downside? There’s no one to share the burden of major decisions or costs, you’re on your own and it’s HARD. Upside? You never have to share your space or dilute your opinion/desire. And my home is as clean as I want it – I’m never cleaning up after someone else.
That said, I have surrounded myself with friends who also value their own time (separate from their partners) and long term single friends, so I always have someone to do things with, like travelling; I’ve also comfortably embraced solo travel and solo dining etc. And my best friend and I have more or less accepted that we are probably going to have to retire together in the same home bc we get on great but apparently no one else will have us! (Or we won’t have anyone else.)
My last item to mention is that I have fully signed up to being the cliche of “middle aged and moneyed aunt”. I do a LOT of travel (no family all inclusive in the Canaries for me, no thank you!) and I wear designer when I can afford the sample sales. I’ve had a little “work” done and enjoy fancy dinners and fancy wine. So I do have a sense of obligation to present my lifestyle as glamorous and enviable, maybe a little pressure to live up to the idea of “no kids, no husband, no problems!” and not everyone can do that nor indeed would feel comfortable or happy doing so. I love it though!!
>Well I grew up, and I’m finding that truly happy marriages between two equal partners is more of the exception than the rule and that unhappy marriages and divorces are becoming more of the norm.
Honestly, I think this has always been the truth of it , but society does a great job of gaslighting everyone (especially women) that only a small minority of marriages are bad.
I don’t know what the true statistic is, but I think that 1) there are a lot more objectively bad marriages than most people want admit, 2) most marriages are not really good or really bad but just kind of ‘meh’, and 3) good marriages usually come at the expense of a woman literally pouring her life and soul into the relationship, often with very little acknowledgement or appreciation.
Most people, even those who marry, have to deal with being alone at some point. It’s not like married couples die in pairs (usually). I had the example of watching my grandmothers outlive their husbands by decades and never remarry. So, marriage or not, I grew up with positive examples of aging alone.
Guess what? This hit home real hard!!
Im from a modest Islamic family background. Most of my siblings have moved out but 1. I don’t want to end up being the unmarried one, constantly looking after everyone else but myself. Suppose I’m scared of what next steps I could potentially take. I’ve already broken some barriers by taking off my hijab but I’ve scummed to always being the person people turn to for favours.
I don’t personally want kids but I would ideally like a partner… eventually at least! I think life is good once you love yourself from within and out yourself first…
I need to take my own advice 😂