Six years after a really awful marriage, I’m realizing I have no idea what would make me feel safe and cared for. I know what feels bad, but I don’t know what I need. And I can’t expect someone to meet needs that I can’t express.
So, what about your partner makes you feel this way or what do they do that makes you feel loved and safe?
Editing to add more context that was asked in a comment:
I didn’t know the marriage was awful until it was over. I had a partner who I thought was amazing, we never fought about anything major, had five kids. He was living a double life and left us for a married coworker when our youngest was 6 weeks old and oldest was 9. I had been a stay at home mom for almost 10 years and he just blindsided all of us. He’s seen the kids once a year on average and doesn’t pay child support.
The amount of trauma from that is indescribable.
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– He can spot in a microsecond if I’m upset, stressed, just not myself, sometimes even before I know it. He can just read my face that well and is a very good communicator.
– He’s considerate. He won’t just say “I’m going out with the boys on Saturday”, we will always have a quick conversation about whether we have any plans on Saturday first before he agrees to go.
– He pushes me when he knows something is hard but totally worth doing.
– Equally, he knows when to step in and take-over if something is out of my depth.
– A really easy one which I feel silly stupid saying: He pulls his own weight around the house with chores. I never have to ask him to clean or tidy up, he just does it.
These are just a few green flags from my husband that make our marriage a very happy one, where I feel loved, appreciated, and safe.
I love Doctor Who. My partner hates Doctor Who. When I’ve had a bad day, he announces loudly that he wants to watch Doctor Who, he insists, and he won’t hear another word about it, and then he acts like I’m doing him this huge favor by watching it with him. We’re silly, but it makes me feel so special.
He’s always visibly happy to see me, whether it’s when I wake up, or when one of us is returning home.
He’s interested in what I’m feeling and thinking.
He’s happy to see me do activities I enjoy even if it’s not an activity he’s personally into.
He’s a total cheerleader for me. He’s my biggest supporter and believes and tells me that I can do whatever I’m trying to accomplish.
He’s always very expressive physically, I’ve never had so much hugging and half-holding before.
He can see in my face if something is bothering me and he’ll ask and listen. Not get defensive.
When I come over to his house after work, he’ll ask me if I’m hungry and he’ll usually have food for me.
When I sleepover, he’ll have a bottle of water on the nightstand already for me.
He’s so physically affectionate and it doesn’t always lead to sex. The other day I had period cramps and he just cuddled me.
He always goes down on me first and gets me off first.
He pays for every date happily.
He gives me reassurance .
We only been dating for five months but he’ll ask me questions like would you be the parent to force hobbies , private or public school , ……
When he went to Japan he went to the hello kitty store and brought me two gifts
When we first started dating our schedules didn’t line up , I would get of work at nine and hr would stay up with me so we can watch a movie spend time together
The other night we were bout to have sex I changed my mind because I was tired and i remember apologizing he was like it’s okay don’t be sorry
We were watching a scary movie and I got scared , he said we can change the movie if I want him to
If I ask him to do something for me he never ever says no. He goes to the store for me every time, even if I just mention that I’m craving something totally unnecessary. It’s a “small” act but it makes me feel so good
What would make you safe and cared for is for a partner to make you feel heard and understood. In order for that to happen, you need to be in touch with your needs and be able to express them.
Give yourself time to explore your emotions. The next time you feel something (anger, fear, etc.), ask yourself why.
But also, what was so awful about the previous marriage? Did you get yelled at? Then maybe you want a partner who can self regulate during conflict. Did they leave dishes in the sink no matter how often you told them that bothered you? Then maybe you want a partner who likes to keep a clean house OR that would take care of dishes because they know that matters to you.
He understands that my needs for reassurance isn’t because I’m attention seeking but because my trauma parts are triggered. He doesn’t ever care if he has to reassure me of the same thing multiple times because he knows that I’ve been gaslit and manipulated for 40 years. He takes my anxiety, panic, insecurities seriously even if they seem small and silly because he knows those come from my deeply wounded inner child.
Literally just basic consideration for me and my physical/emotional state. Not in a codependent way, where he or she is trying to control the outcome. Not in a way that’s transactional, used in bartering for sex. But just a “hey, I saw you had a crappy day and I bought you a book by your fav author and a chocolate”. Or if I’m sick, “hey, I stopped and got you your fav tea…”
Feeling SEEN. Feeling like my partner is capable and competent to hold down the fort if I fumble. Feeling like I can be messy with them and they’ll still hold me.
Reading these comments confirmed for me that I’ve never known a man like any of those described and in my almost 50 years, I’ve never been loved like this (except by myself).
He talks to me. He wants to resolve any problem that we have/will ever face(so far successfully). He supports me.
I have some serious anger issues, but he never made them worse, quite the opposite, with him they almost don’t happen, and when they do happen he doesn’t make me feel like I’m a bad person for that. He never tries to hurt me emotionally or physically.
He listens to me, and he cares about what I say. He does what I ask him to do. He does things I like without asking him to.
He prioritizes me. He would leave his friends when they were hanging out if I would need him, for example.
I don’t enjoy sex for several reasons, but he said he doesn’t care about sex as much as he cares about me. He said he is okay if we will never have sex again.
I generally feel nice, warm, and sleepy around him. He takes interest in my hobbies and supports and encourages me to do them. He says he loves to see me doing something I’m passionate about
I’m a heavy chain smoker and was a bit of a drag user. He is the opposite. He doesn’t smoke, drink, or use recreational drags, and he encourages me to give it up because he wants me to be healthy, and also doesn’t shame me for what I do for the sake of it. He talks about it as a bad thing I do, not as a thing that makes me bad.
His whole presence feels like care. His words show that he cares, his actions show that he, his attitude shows that he cares
He notices when I’m not myself even if I try to hide it. And checks in on me.
He treats my daughter like his own (even from the beginning he was great with her) loads of great stuff but I love how he makes her waffles or pancakes every day because he says it’s no bother.
He always brings me a water for bed every night as standard – this sounds so basic but my ex actually shouted at me once for asking him to refill my water while breastfeeding. My husband makes sure I’m hydrated and I appreciate that.
He gives me good financial advice because he knows it’s something I struggled with understanding or being savvy about and he wants me to better off. (which isn’t something exes have ever cared about)
He does so much around the house and if I look tired or had a hard day he will say “go on you sit and watch one of your programmes – I’ll sort this out”.
Whenever I thank him for little things he’s confused. At first he said why are you thanking me for doing what i’m supposed to do? It was a combination of me coming out of an abusive relationship and being so grsteful and him just being too kind and sweet about it. But I like how he saw it that these things are normal and what he should do. GREEN FLAGS.
We understand that we change as people and have to renegotiate things through the years. Just because it was this way when we got married, doesn’t mean it serves our relationship 10 years later. Things change. We change. Allow your relationship this growth. ❤️
My partner is totally reliable – if she says she’ll do something I know for certain she’ll do it. It’s very reassuring. She will also do anything she can to support me when I’m struggling, whether that’s going to the store to get me comfort food, leaving me alone if I want space, or listening when I’m hurting. She’s fiercely supportive of me when I’m being mistreated, and with my history of a narcissistic mother, that means the world. She’s also extremely honest and communicative with me and holds me accountable, which has helped me grow into a more emotionally mature person. I feel loved and safe because I know she’s always thinking of me when she makes decisions, and I can trust that she is on my side. I grew up very distrustful and it’s taken a long time to believe that she really can be depended on, and that I don’t have to be hyper-independent. I’m actually healing from my childhood trauma because of her. She’s no angel, but she works her ass off to do the right thing and to be a good partner.
When I got out of a bad 20+ year marriage, I wasn’t looking to date again. I ended up with the sweetest man by accident. I knew he cared when I had a tearful moment and he physically wiped my tears away and then kissed my cheeks. He also reminds me to take my lunch to work. I have AuDHD and chronically forget to bring my lunch. He even bought me a new lunchbox to help keep my lunch in one place.
He knows I have trouble with cancelling plans, so he always gives me time to process that and assures me that it’s because of life, not that he doesn’t love me. He is also neurodivergent, so we stick to a pretty consistent date and phone call routine.
He also just is considerate of me, my kids, my feelings, and has learned to love me for me. One of my favorite things is that he sings to me and with me.
In the end, we all need someone who sees us and loves all of us, even on the bad days.
– he tucks me in. Like, fully bundles me up like a baked potato.
– he doesn’t let me carry things. I’m fully capable. He knows I’m fully capable. But he insists he WANTS to be a pack mule
– during COVID, my anxiety needed to take a bath to calm down everyday after work. Multiple times, we got home (we share a car), and he’d say nothing, just go turn on the bath. I know he wanted a shower, and my bath would use all the hot water, but he prioritized me needing to regulate over him legitimately needing to wash
– he doesn’t laugh when I’m upset about ‘silly’ things. He saw me crying about a TikTok ferret (RIP Tuna) the other day, and instead of laughing, just asked to see videos. He’s done similar things with books, shows, etc. The ending of Supernatural he legitmately dragged me into his lap before hand, because he knew I was going to Lose It.
The silly little moments add up.
One big thing that makes my heart full is that he cares about my family and is happy to spend time with them. I (29F) don’t have a big family (it’s just me and my parents who are divorced, dad has a girlfriend) and I appreciate that when they visit or we go to visit he makes an effort that is genuine. Especially with my mom, he’ll make sure to ask about her hobbies and how her dogs are, and he’ll ask her to show him photos of her last trip.
In the past, it has often been a big deal to get a partner to interact with parents beyond formalities. My partner has a big family, and they always invite me and my mom to join in on the holidays. My mom always brings gifts for his family and when she goes on trips to cool places she will take both of us because she views him as family 🙂
Massage is in general, but massaging my toes on my period because they always hurt.
He cleans the cat litter box without me asking. It got to the point where I realised I hadn’t cleaned it for four days as he’d just done it for me (while I was cleaning out food bowls/changing the water).
He listens when I cry. Whether that’s over my still-present grief stone cold sober or when I’m drunk and self-deprecating. He doesn’t judge.
He knows I hate surprises but will do little things that I’ll ‘100%’ know I’ll like, like flowers or something for the girls (cats).
And he makes me feel wanted. Which is a nice change.
He did use to suck at double booking things or not telling me if he had something planning that evening/weekend (that’s fine with me, but I need to know as it affects dinner plans etc) but since we got a shared calendar, no more issues! That’s another thing he’s good at, fixing things!
It’s the little things. She just always keeps me in mind and takes me into consideration all day everyday.
I may be old school but I still go back to the book Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman. Im sure there’s more recent titles. But when I was divorced 10yrs ago after a 15yr marriage, I felt the same as you; just couldnt describe what I wanted. That book helped me.
He always accompanies me on any adventure/new hobby/event I want to do, even if it’s out of his comfort zone or something he doesn’t want to do.
He encourages my hobbies and makes me feel like I’m the most talented person in the world.
He has always advocated me for living life for myself. I’ve struggled with codependency my entire life, and he has never deterred me from doing something for me. He never expects me to be at home waiting for him, or distancing myself in friendships. He has helped me discover how to put myself first and not be a constant people pleaser.
Anytime I need an evening to rest, feel under the weather, or feel mentally overwhelmed, he will drop whatever he’s doing in order to help me out.
He asked me for years to go to therapy, not maliciously, but because he could see how my mental health was struggling and affecting my life. He was patient when I brushed it off so many times. And when I finally decided to go, he was overwhelmingly supportive and has never held it over my head.
I could go on and on….but he is my best friend above all else. That might be what it boils down to, for me. He’s the person I’m always the most excited to talk to, he’s the person who I share a connection with unlike any other. And that alone makes me feel incredibly safe and loved.
He gives me space when I need it and doesn’t make me feel guilty for needing it.
His first gift to me was a very solid iron buckler – something I could actually defend myself with if I ever needed to. Weapons are kind of a thing for me, so I saw this as immensely sweet.
If I’m having a rough day, he’ll immediately call to reassure me or to help me talk through big, uncomfortable feelings.
If I need to stop during intimate moments, I always feel guilty but he consistently reassures me that he only wants to be physically intimate with me when I’m completely comfortable and Fuck Yeah about it. And if I’m feeling uncomfortable, we talk it through.
If I’m feeling sick, he actively takes care of me – he’ll go out and get things I need if they’re not already in the house and he’ll recite poetry to me in this wonderfully growly voice that helps distract me.
He respects my opinion and we’ll have in-depth conversations around it.
We both very much Show Up for each other.
I’m so sorry you experienced that. It sounds completely awful.
May you find a supportive, caring and compassionate partner.
He remembers things I said that have nothing to do with him.
My well being is something he prioritizes, even when it’s not optimal for him.
Realistically it boils down to: I don’t ever feel like an accessory. I am a full, independent person to him and he treats me as such. It always feels like a partnership of equals, not like he’s expecting more effort from me that he isn’t giving.
I love the examples in the comments but if you would like a structured approach on finding out what really makes you feel loved I would recommend you the book about the 5 love languages by Gary Chapman! Really useful book with great examples for each language/category and the misunderstandings that can happen with each!
When I’m sick or had a surgery, he takes over. He makes sure things get done and checks on me. It’s not perfect but he’s seen me be at my lowest and never wants me there again. He also has his own mental load he is compelled to get done so that our family is weak. I never see that mental load unless he needs/wants to tell me. He notices things and makes sure I’m ok or Sonya is ok.
We are not perfect people in our relationship, we have flaws but we try to be a partnership as much as possible.
Genuinely apologizes and actually attempts to do better.
I’m divorcing him, but things he did that made me feel cared for are: surprise gifts of fruit, and not escalating a disagreement into a yelling match, ever.
I also went through the “didn’t know my marriage was awful until it was over”.
-My current partner makes 99% of our meals. He does most of the food shopping and kitchen clean up. He knows I get decision fatigue so he rarely asks for meal input and just feeds me. If I do ask for something specific, he shelves his plans and makes what I ask for.
-When I get anxious in public (a lot) and start lashing out because I’m stressed, he never ever takes it personally, will pull me to a quiet area of wherever we are, give me a huge bear hug and ask what he can do to help or if I need to sit in the car while he finishes what we’re doing.
There’s a lot, but these are two really big things for me. I have a really hard time with being shown the level of care he gives me because my marriage did a number on me.
He listens and validates your feelings, even when you’re being crazy
Everything else falls into place if they do this
If you tell them an action of theirs hurts your feelings and they spend twenty minutes telling you why they didn’t mean it that way and you shouldn’t be upset, send them packing. Seriously
Everyone hurts someone’s feelings unintentionally, people take what we say the wrong way
The correct response is not to defend your position, but apologize sincerely and explain you didn’t mean to hurt them
I once said something to a coworker that hurt her deeply. I thought we were just joking around, I wasn’t being serious. But I didn’t make her feel crazy. I felt terrible I made her feel bad and I told her that. I told her she meant a lot to me and hurting her isn’t what I wanted. Explained to her that I’d been kidding and I wouldn’t say things like that in the future. Because how she felt matters to me.
If they don’t treat you like that, they care more about “being right” than how they make you feel.
this thread brought me to tears but not for the reasons I expected.
There are lots of things, but the one I want to mention here that I haven’t really seen in comments is about how we handle conflict.
If I’m upset, he always wants to know why, even when I’m upset with him. He always listens to understand, he has never once been defensive. He does not dismiss or minimize my concerns or feelings. If he sees things differently or thinks I’ve got it wrong, he tells me in a respectful way. If he’s wrong, he’ll apologize sincerely and it will be followed with a behavior shift or repair if needed. He alway treats me like we’re on the same team.
Oh so many things.
There’s a bunch more but these are the main ones.
Looking at why does he do that by lundy Bancroft might be worthwhile, they do mention what are green flags in the book. There is definitely not a FREE pdf online of this book and I dont suggest you find or use it
He does what I ask and always tries to find a way to do more. If I ask him to take care of my pets while I’m away he will usually also clean up my place a little or take out the trash I might’ve forgotten.
He notices when I’m in pain if I’m stretching a body part often and will just wordlessly start massaging it.
He gives his opinion of how I should handle a situation but respects how I choose to handle it regardless.
He always makes sure I know when he’ll be away from his phone, and had never hesitated to reassure me when my anxiety gets the better of me.
Also back when we first met and we were in the shower together I slipped and he grabbed my arm and pulled me to him in a hug that felt like I almost fell off a cliff just then. I was pretty much sold after that.
He checks on me – not just in a “text me when you get home so I know you’re safe” way, but also in a turn down the music in the car and ask me what’s wrong when I haven’t indicated that anything is way. He can just feel my energy somehow.
He actively listens when I speak.
He’ll be in the bathroom getting ready while I’m getting dressed, kind of talking to each other from the other room, and when I enter to grab something he’ll stop mid sentence when he sees me and be like “oh my GOD BABE YOU’RE SO BEAUTIFUL!”
He opens doors and carries things for me, not because he thinks I can’t do it but because he loves to just do things for me.
He genuinely enjoys cuddling with me and just being close in general.
When we play sports together he’s always saying things like “nice catch babe!” “That was awesome!” even though I’m fucking terrible haha
I struggle a lot with my mental health and we talk about it. He doesn’t act like he knows the answers or how to “fix” it, but he listens, offers to help in any way he can, and always makes me feel like we’re in it together, not like I’m dealing with it alone.
He consistently makes me feel like he cannot live without me.