Being afraid to question your parents decisions or get into argument with your parents. My parents took any thing I said as talking back and would really get mad about it, I want to break that, I am not going to associate my kids questioning me as them not respecting me.
Bringing negative experiences from the past over and over again. Every time my mom does that, I find myself in a loop of overthinking and questioning my capabilities as a person. As a result I’ve become very pessimistic and blame myself if something goes wrong.
Arguments over nothing. Was a favorite pastime of my mother 🙃🙄 loved her dearly but she would get in a snit about almost anything food related. So far so good not carrying that sport forward in our little family🍀
I have always discussed everything (in a reasonably age appropriate manner) with my kids. There are no secrets, no “because I said so”, no taboo subjects. Consequences for bad behavior came with a conversation and why the behavior was undesirable. Expectations are explained, with the reasons for them. There are no mysteries, no knowledge withheld, no bad surprises.
I grew up with a mother who didn’t talk about anything. I was punished, but often without being sure what I did wrong. There was no questioning her. There were no reasons for how things were, or why they might change. I was always off balance and afraid, and always trying to figure out the rules before I broke one. I was told things were bad without ever knowing why.
We were watching ST:TNG once. It was the episode where Worf first has custody of his son. Alexander stole something from a classmate. Worf starts asking him why he did that, why he would take something that didn’t belong to him, etc. My kids started laughing so hard. “You’re a Kilngon!!” I had to laugh, too, because they were right.
But they love me. They know they can ask me anything and I will answer them. They know that if there’s a problem, there won’t be any mystery or guessing games. They are involved in decisions. They can count on me to say what I mean and mean what I say. Pretty damned cool.
My father used me for a punching bag when I was young!. I do not have kids! but I avoid my currently mouthy 14 y/o niece because I’m better than my father.
Drinking when I am stressed. Eating when I am stressed. Thinking that being upset or distressed is a weakness and hiding it, rather than talking about it, acknowledging it and working through it in a healthy way.
If you were a traumatized kid. Please. I beg you. Get into a recovery support group. CODA, ACA, Al-Anon.
One of those. You have so much to learn that you were not taught as a child. And the sooner you learn it, the better you life will be.
Kick that can down the road to a future someday……you and everyone around you will suffer and YOU WILL pass along a trauma bundle. In spite of your best intentions.
Making my lack of desire to be a parent my kid’s problem. I’m smart enough to know what I’m about, and parenting isn’t it. My mom tried the classic argument “When you have a kid, it just clicks. Most people think they don’t want a kid until they do.” I had to remind her that not only did my father bail on two kids from different mothers, but she had also bailed for a while too when I was a kid. I’ve not heard anything about having kids since.
The racism and interference of relationships that runs in my family. The amount of past relationships that have been disapproved of from my parents bc of the significant others race is absolutely wild to me.
Emotional neglect. I am trying so hard to balance between helicopter parenting/micromanaging and neglect.
My kids are growing up with the whole new trauma of, my mom constantly asking me how I am, if I’m oke and if I need something.
Silent treatment,i will talk things out with my kids and husband,i wont be ignoring them for days and make the house atmosphere so bad that they would prefer staying out,id tell them i love them and make it easy for them to show emotions,ill hug and kiss them daily and comfort them when they’re crying
Making her feel guilty over her relationship with her dad. He’s always gonna be her dad, she loves him and he loves her and it’s what’s best for her that I facilitate their relationship as much as possible even though seeing him as often as I do makes me wanna cry.
Uncontrolled emotional outbursts the yelling and grinding a point into your head. Say what you need to say calmly and succinctly. The need to constantly compete with my friends and keep up appearances. Enmeshment. My child is not financially responsible for me. His money is not mine.
My mother always acted immature, and said things that would make me and my siblings uncomfortable. Like putting on a baby voice and saying stuff like “Mommy, my butt’s cold” to me, despite the fact I was literally 30-40 years younger than her and her last child. She also constantly make snide remarks about my siblings weight and appearances, as well as pressuring my and my sisters to have children when we grew up because she wanted grandkids, ignoring that we said we didn’t want children. She was also physically violent towards my siblings and I when we were younger, and verbally abusive over the years. If I ever have a child (which I hopefully won’t I don’t want to bring someone else into this cruel world, and I know already from having to take care of my 2-3 week old niece by myself that I would not have the mental capacity to), I don’t want to bring any of that into their life.
Most of it hopefully, but not taking accountability and invalidating emotions. I’m due next month and my husband and I have spent the 2 years of our marriage in therapy to heal our family traumas and baggage. I want this baby to be the best off we can provide and to me that starts with healing these deep wounds from how we were raised.
I want her to know that her feelings matter and how to process them. I was never taught that or heard and listened to, so I want to offer that to my daughter.
Almost none, apparently.
I thought I had it on lock. Loving spouse, happy home, everything was great. Then the spouse got bored and somehow decided that abuse was what was missing in their life (no known history of domestic violence, and I never noticed any warning signs).
Now I have broken home and a kid with a family history of domestic violence. Some people have told me that they didn’t want to say anything at the time, but my spouse had “dead eyes” and it always creeped them out.
Is it OT to say I had a happy childhood with virtually no trauma? I guess one thing that I did with my children that my parents did not was to answer their questions about sex. My Mom was shy in the extreme about those matters (though quite bawdy in her 80’s and 90’s!) and I had to learn it all via a smuggled copy of “Everything You Always Wanted To Know About Sex (But Were Afraid To Ask”.
Not speaking about money or finances. My parents never talked openly about money or finances. My mom never knew exactly how much my dad earned.
I now talk openly with my kids about all of that. They know about what I invest in. They know how much I spend on things I buy etc. They now come to me with all their financial questions.
Apologizing when I’m wrong or off base. Keeping them all away from my pervert uncle and telling him, to his face, that if he as much as touched one of them, I would kill him. He believed me and never got close enough to even shake their hand. His fishing camp was next to my Mom’s.
Being open to their interests and hobbies. No reason to make them feel judged for what they enjoy, even if I don’t get it myself. Could even make for excellent bonding moments if we engage together. Could hardly make my parents do that if they didn’t get it/weren’t interested.
I wish I could say alcoholism. My spouse and I both suffered under alcoholic parents, and other family. We ourselves were upfront with our own kids about the damage and loss such an addiction brought to us. We never once got drunk, rarely had a glass of anything and only for special occasions around our kids. We did our best to raise them to have good self esteem, good education and great opportunities. But one of them was always so hellbent on defiance, no therapy or counseling ever helped. That kid is a severe alcoholic in mid 20s and has torpedoed themselves so many times in friendships and opportunities. It’s really made me think some types of genetics overpower upbringing – it’s like that child is channeling the other family alcoholics, most of whom died long before my child was even a toddler. It haunts me that we didn’t succeed in ending the destruction of alcoholism.
I will never tell my kids to “keep the peace.” I grew up being expected to take shit from my family to not upset my grandparents because saying something might break up the family and then my grandparents would never get to see their other grandkids because my aunts and cousins suck and never bothered to visit them so they only saw them at the requisite holiday and birthday parties where families all gather together.
I’m nearly 40, my grandparents have been gone for over a decade, and my Mom literally just told me that we had to keep the peace before Easter. It brought up a ton of memories of old trauma around that phrase. I’ve already had multiple therapy sessions about it and that’ll probably be the topic of my next therapy session judging by how Easter went.
I just will never say I have an older sister. She will never know who they are or be called aunt. They will never ever be around her. To the best my ability if they are they will never speak. She is truly cut from my life and I’m grateful.
I think the religious/ spiritual trauma is a big part of what keeps me from having kids.
Fantasyland: How America Went Haywire
(2017) by Kurt Andersen
A Well-Trained Wife: My Escape from Christian Patriarchy (2024) a memoir by Tia Levings
The Man They Wanted Me to Be: Toxic Masculinity and a Crisis of Our Own Making
(2019) by Jared Yates Sexton
Also, I don’t have a safe community to give anyone. The environment is sick because of our plastic/ toxic chemical addictions.
All we can save: Truth, Courage, and Solutions for the climate crisis. (2020) Collection of essays edited by Ayana Elizabeth Johnson and Katharine K. Wilkinson
What If We Get It Right? Visions of Climate Futures (2024) by Ayana Elizabeth Johnson
I’m doing pretty well in my own recovery and in my efforts to be a better citizen and protector of the earth but I still don’t think earth is a place I would want to bring an innocent child. Not in my lifetime.
Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents: How to Heal from Distant, Rejecting, Or Self-Involved Parents (2015) by Lindsay Gibson
Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving
(2018) by Pete Walker
I will not be telling them or taking them to church that will tell them they are inherently sinful selfish beings deserving of burning in hell. Because I know that almost all of what can be frustrating behavior in children is not a demon but developmentally appropriate.
My mother had anger issues and any time we slightly inconvenienced her (as kids often do) we would hear an endless stream of insults about how we were dumb or worthless bc she was angry. I don’t think she meant the things she said, but anger would just come over her and awful things would come out of her mouth. I really realized how differently I treated my own kids when one day I drove my teenage daughter all the way across town for a sleepover. Two minutes before we got to the friend’s house, she realized she had left her phone home. I said- okay, let’s go get it. She apologized and said thank you. I thought about what my mother would have done if that was me. I would have had to hear about how stupid I was for the entire return trip and a laundry list of all my faults. She would have gotten herself so worked up by the time we got home that she wouldn’t have brought me back to my friend’s house. I still occasionally have nightmares about her doing this to me. I’m glad I’ve done better by my kids.
I refuse to ever make my child feel scared to be around me or to speak to me about anything and voice her own opinion.
I refuse to let my child ever think that she’s just a lodger in our house and I can kick her out at any point.
I refuse to ever make my child lock herself in her bedroom, sat against her door so that I can’t physically attack her and scream in her face.
Sadly I had to go through all of these as a child myself.
Beating the crap out of my kid or calling them stupid just because they: 1) spill something 2) can’t find something 3) or overall just exist
I love my kids so damn much and can’t even fathom hurting them physically or emotionally so much they even question if I love them. Nope nope and nope. To this day I still have nightmares of my mom hating me due to the way she treated me
First of all, I will never have children if I can help it. Too much unavoidable shit I could pass on. But it could still happen, and even if I don’t, I love keeping myself involved with the tiny humans owned by friends/family.
I love to help actively teach the new humans lessons about life. How to manage emotions and expectations, how to handle conflict, how to save and budget, how to be supportive for people around you, how to stand up for yourself… All the things no one taught me. I love watching my friend and her husband raise their girls, because they’re so on top of all of that, not to mention that they’re the parents that will openly and clearly apologize when they mess up. Like if dad loses his temper and raises his voice too much while disciplining. He lets them know they deserve to be spoken to respectfully and he shouldn’t have done that. Fucking beautiful.
I’m a support system for parents as well, here with listening ears or half-educated advice (studied child development for a year in college – super cool stuff). My friend currently needs some extra emotional support while her oldest is being examined for ADHD, dyslexia being next on the list of possibilities. Which is another thing I’d do differently than my parents; pay attention to their struggles and don’t just fucking dismiss them like it’s purposeful misbehaviour. I’m not diagnosed, but I’m 99.9% positive I’ve got ADHD, and a diagnosis paired with coping skills could’ve made such an insane difference in my childhood. Understanding how my brain works definitely makes a difference in my adulthood!
Just talk to kids. Listen to them. They need to feel heard, they need older people they can actually trust so that when bigger issues arise down the line, they’ll tell you. You’ll be able to help. They won’t just suffer in silence and feel like a burden, because you won’t have ever made them feel like a burden for needing you. That’s the biggest one, I think.
Pushing kids to eat at dinner. I was a skinny kid and maybe they were worried but it made dinner extremely tense for me. So as a mom, I just offered my kids (they’re grown now) smallish portions of casserole or whatever, and a vegetable or fruit, and didn’t talk about how much or how little they were eating. Btw bc of the childhood memories plus other things I developed an eating disorder that I was eventually hospitalized for. To this day, when I visit families and they’re spending half the meal arguing with their young children about eating their veggies and other “healthy food,” I get triggered and almost can’t eat!
Not talking about hard things and not questioning beliefs. I’ve leaned in to hard conversations from day one with my kids (I adopted my first when she was 7, so day one is accurate).
Telling them constantly to lose weight when they are at a healthy weight.
I was 144 lbs when I was young and I was and still am 5’8.
My mom was always worried about my weight and made me go on diets and try to work out and I needed to lose 10 lbs and that stomach pouch.
Well 20+ years later I am now 240lbs and my muscles are so messed up because of not doing work outs properly and she still brings up losing weight and honestly talking about it just stresses me out.
I know I need to lose weight now but she should have left me be when I was young.
She doesn’t realize that it was counter productive and now I can’t even think about losing weight without producing a stress response in my mind and body.
A quick fuse. My dad had many great qualities, but he was quick to get irritated due to some health issues. It kept me on edge as a kid.
I’m working hard to not pass that to my kid. If I do get angry, I apologize. He’ll experience anger in the world and he has to be prepared, but I don’t want him to walk on eggshells around me.
Where to start?
I’d probably say to acknowledge that children have valid feelings and opinions, and include them (age appropriately) in decision making.
Even in my early 20s my Mom refused this and pretended I had no idea what’s going on or could in any way make decisions for myself.
I was raped by my FIL as a teenager. It took me about 20 years to realize what he’d actually done and that it was a big deal. When I decided that my kids would no longer be exposed to him, my MIL told me that what happened to her as a kid was worse than what happened to me, and she and eventually her kids still had to be around said family member. That shit stops here. I’m not putting my kids in the hands of a known predictor, so that cycle can continue. That man will NEVER be around my kids again.
When I was a kid, my dad would sell my toys to cover his lottery losses, and when I was old enough to get a job, he would regularly hit me up for money to either replace the money he lost or so he could buy more tickets.
Alcohol and all that comes with that addiction. My Irish family struggled with it and I was determined that my kids would avoid it. Never kept liquor in the house or drank and warned them it was our poison; yet two had issues but are now well.
I remember always being worried about how much money I was costing my parents. I would eat less than I needed and never say if I needed anything because of extreme guilt. I remember my dad would always remind me how much money I was costing him and how much better off he would be if I wasn’t around. I carry money guilt even now as an adult.
If my kid needs something then it’s on me to get it for her, she didn’t ask to be born and it’s part of the responsibility I took on when I decided to have her. I will never guilt her for needing and wanting things.
The lost of your mom in such an early age. I get that I cannot do anything about that for my daughter. But I really pray hard everyday to have a longer life for her.
Also to be the best friend for her in any capacity I can and she allowed. I felt so alone and not loved in my childhood. My parents did their best but I didnt know why I couldnt feel that at that time. I have a constant need for approval and its so hard to manage till this day. I only get better when I have my own child and realize all the things they did for me in the past. Anyway, I hope she will get a headstart in that area.
In this household, food is delicious, food is fuel & food is FUN.
I don’t want my kids to sneak chocolate chips at 2AM because their mother went on some sugar free, dairy free, ice cube & cabbage diet again.
You don’t have to sneak food of any kind. If you wake up at 2AM hungry we’ll get a snack together (within reason, I’m not whipping up a whole roast dinner but we can make a sandwich or yogurt or cereal or reheat some pizza)
I also don’t subscribe to the idea of time specific foods. You want pasta for breakfast? Sure! As long as we have time to make it. Toast for lunch & pancakes for dinner? Why not?
Some nights all I eat for dinner is a bowl of fruit or I’ll make a cheeseburger for breakfast.
I don’t have kids but I’m helping raise my siblings’ kids. Alcohol. I feared for my mother’s life, for my siblings and my life when my father was drunk. I don’t want these kids to know that feeling. I don’t drink I don’t even smoke.
Comments
Scoring good at school
My dad was the Mayor and NEVER home, caring more about the town’s sewers than the family. He wanted me to follow in his footsteps. Nope.
Being afraid to question your parents decisions or get into argument with your parents. My parents took any thing I said as talking back and would really get mad about it, I want to break that, I am not going to associate my kids questioning me as them not respecting me.
Never admitting I’m wrong.
If I’m wrong, I own it and apologise. My parents would just ignore it or tell me off for “arguing” that I was right
Kids are people too, they get my pleases, thank yous and my sorrys.
Bringing negative experiences from the past over and over again. Every time my mom does that, I find myself in a loop of overthinking and questioning my capabilities as a person. As a result I’ve become very pessimistic and blame myself if something goes wrong.
Religious fundamentalism and the misogyny, homophobia and purity culture that came with it. Nope!
Hunger, try my best
All of it. I didn’t have kids.
Arguments over nothing. Was a favorite pastime of my mother 🙃🙄 loved her dearly but she would get in a snit about almost anything food related. So far so good not carrying that sport forward in our little family🍀
Never making them feel unwanted, unloved, misunderstood and not judging them.
I’ve just not had kids, surefire way
I have always discussed everything (in a reasonably age appropriate manner) with my kids. There are no secrets, no “because I said so”, no taboo subjects. Consequences for bad behavior came with a conversation and why the behavior was undesirable. Expectations are explained, with the reasons for them. There are no mysteries, no knowledge withheld, no bad surprises.
I grew up with a mother who didn’t talk about anything. I was punished, but often without being sure what I did wrong. There was no questioning her. There were no reasons for how things were, or why they might change. I was always off balance and afraid, and always trying to figure out the rules before I broke one. I was told things were bad without ever knowing why.
We were watching ST:TNG once. It was the episode where Worf first has custody of his son. Alexander stole something from a classmate. Worf starts asking him why he did that, why he would take something that didn’t belong to him, etc. My kids started laughing so hard. “You’re a Kilngon!!” I had to laugh, too, because they were right.
But they love me. They know they can ask me anything and I will answer them. They know that if there’s a problem, there won’t be any mystery or guessing games. They are involved in decisions. They can count on me to say what I mean and mean what I say. Pretty damned cool.
My father used me for a punching bag when I was young!. I do not have kids! but I avoid my currently mouthy 14 y/o niece because I’m better than my father.
All of them. I’m not having children.
Drinking when I am stressed. Eating when I am stressed. Thinking that being upset or distressed is a weakness and hiding it, rather than talking about it, acknowledging it and working through it in a healthy way.
Having children period.
Trying not to be my military brainwashed capitalist Dad to my kids.
Physical violence
If you were a traumatized kid. Please. I beg you. Get into a recovery support group. CODA, ACA, Al-Anon.
One of those. You have so much to learn that you were not taught as a child. And the sooner you learn it, the better you life will be.
Kick that can down the road to a future someday……you and everyone around you will suffer and YOU WILL pass along a trauma bundle. In spite of your best intentions.
Making my lack of desire to be a parent my kid’s problem. I’m smart enough to know what I’m about, and parenting isn’t it. My mom tried the classic argument “When you have a kid, it just clicks. Most people think they don’t want a kid until they do.” I had to remind her that not only did my father bail on two kids from different mothers, but she had also bailed for a while too when I was a kid. I’ve not heard anything about having kids since.
The racism and interference of relationships that runs in my family. The amount of past relationships that have been disapproved of from my parents bc of the significant others race is absolutely wild to me.
All of it (third generation of fucked up person here) – I refused to have a child when I had the opportunity.
It all stops here. With me.
Emotional neglect. I am trying so hard to balance between helicopter parenting/micromanaging and neglect.
My kids are growing up with the whole new trauma of, my mom constantly asking me how I am, if I’m oke and if I need something.
Being born
Alcoholism. IMO a child should never even see their parent drunk.
I didn’t have children to guarantee I wouldn’t pass on any toxic cycles… I wasn’t taking any chances I’m afraid.
Silent treatment,i will talk things out with my kids and husband,i wont be ignoring them for days and make the house atmosphere so bad that they would prefer staying out,id tell them i love them and make it easy for them to show emotions,ill hug and kiss them daily and comfort them when they’re crying
Having to use an outside loo and a tin bath in the living room.
Making her feel guilty over her relationship with her dad. He’s always gonna be her dad, she loves him and he loves her and it’s what’s best for her that I facilitate their relationship as much as possible even though seeing him as often as I do makes me wanna cry.
“These groups are all bad.”
I grew up as one of jehovah’s witnesses. I’m never raising my son in that deliberate nonsense
Uncontrolled emotional outbursts the yelling and grinding a point into your head. Say what you need to say calmly and succinctly. The need to constantly compete with my friends and keep up appearances. Enmeshment. My child is not financially responsible for me. His money is not mine.
I’m just not having children, then I’m not passing anything down to anybody.
My mother always acted immature, and said things that would make me and my siblings uncomfortable. Like putting on a baby voice and saying stuff like “Mommy, my butt’s cold” to me, despite the fact I was literally 30-40 years younger than her and her last child. She also constantly make snide remarks about my siblings weight and appearances, as well as pressuring my and my sisters to have children when we grew up because she wanted grandkids, ignoring that we said we didn’t want children. She was also physically violent towards my siblings and I when we were younger, and verbally abusive over the years. If I ever have a child (which I hopefully won’t I don’t want to bring someone else into this cruel world, and I know already from having to take care of my 2-3 week old niece by myself that I would not have the mental capacity to), I don’t want to bring any of that into their life.
Birth
Scolding vulgarities at my wife/husband/kids
Most of it hopefully, but not taking accountability and invalidating emotions. I’m due next month and my husband and I have spent the 2 years of our marriage in therapy to heal our family traumas and baggage. I want this baby to be the best off we can provide and to me that starts with healing these deep wounds from how we were raised.
I want her to know that her feelings matter and how to process them. I was never taught that or heard and listened to, so I want to offer that to my daughter.
Everyone is getting therapy whether you need it or not. We want healthy coping mechanisms. I want my future children to feel like their voice matters.
Sexual and emotional abuse
Not having kids period seems to be what mine is
Almost none, apparently.
I thought I had it on lock. Loving spouse, happy home, everything was great. Then the spouse got bored and somehow decided that abuse was what was missing in their life (no known history of domestic violence, and I never noticed any warning signs).
Now I have broken home and a kid with a family history of domestic violence. Some people have told me that they didn’t want to say anything at the time, but my spouse had “dead eyes” and it always creeped them out.
Abandonment and foster care.
Financial struggle. I have way too many siblings for people who can barely afford groceries.
Is it OT to say I had a happy childhood with virtually no trauma? I guess one thing that I did with my children that my parents did not was to answer their questions about sex. My Mom was shy in the extreme about those matters (though quite bawdy in her 80’s and 90’s!) and I had to learn it all via a smuggled copy of “Everything You Always Wanted To Know About Sex (But Were Afraid To Ask”.
Narcissism, drug abuse, and mental illness.
Not speaking about money or finances. My parents never talked openly about money or finances. My mom never knew exactly how much my dad earned.
I now talk openly with my kids about all of that. They know about what I invest in. They know how much I spend on things I buy etc. They now come to me with all their financial questions.
Discussing daily
Apologizing when I’m wrong or off base. Keeping them all away from my pervert uncle and telling him, to his face, that if he as much as touched one of them, I would kill him. He believed me and never got close enough to even shake their hand. His fishing camp was next to my Mom’s.
Being open to their interests and hobbies. No reason to make them feel judged for what they enjoy, even if I don’t get it myself. Could even make for excellent bonding moments if we engage together. Could hardly make my parents do that if they didn’t get it/weren’t interested.
I wish I could say alcoholism. My spouse and I both suffered under alcoholic parents, and other family. We ourselves were upfront with our own kids about the damage and loss such an addiction brought to us. We never once got drunk, rarely had a glass of anything and only for special occasions around our kids. We did our best to raise them to have good self esteem, good education and great opportunities. But one of them was always so hellbent on defiance, no therapy or counseling ever helped. That kid is a severe alcoholic in mid 20s and has torpedoed themselves so many times in friendships and opportunities. It’s really made me think some types of genetics overpower upbringing – it’s like that child is channeling the other family alcoholics, most of whom died long before my child was even a toddler. It haunts me that we didn’t succeed in ending the destruction of alcoholism.
Neglect. Period
All of it. I have no kids
“I have to love you. But I don’t like you very much.”
I will never tell my kids to “keep the peace.” I grew up being expected to take shit from my family to not upset my grandparents because saying something might break up the family and then my grandparents would never get to see their other grandkids because my aunts and cousins suck and never bothered to visit them so they only saw them at the requisite holiday and birthday parties where families all gather together.
I’m nearly 40, my grandparents have been gone for over a decade, and my Mom literally just told me that we had to keep the peace before Easter. It brought up a ton of memories of old trauma around that phrase. I’ve already had multiple therapy sessions about it and that’ll probably be the topic of my next therapy session judging by how Easter went.
I just will never say I have an older sister. She will never know who they are or be called aunt. They will never ever be around her. To the best my ability if they are they will never speak. She is truly cut from my life and I’m grateful.
I think the religious/ spiritual trauma is a big part of what keeps me from having kids.
Fantasyland: How America Went Haywire
(2017) by Kurt Andersen
A Well-Trained Wife: My Escape from Christian Patriarchy (2024) a memoir by Tia Levings
The Man They Wanted Me to Be: Toxic Masculinity and a Crisis of Our Own Making
(2019) by Jared Yates Sexton
Also, I don’t have a safe community to give anyone. The environment is sick because of our plastic/ toxic chemical addictions.
All we can save: Truth, Courage, and Solutions for the climate crisis. (2020) Collection of essays edited by Ayana Elizabeth Johnson and Katharine K. Wilkinson
What If We Get It Right? Visions of Climate Futures (2024) by Ayana Elizabeth Johnson
I’m doing pretty well in my own recovery and in my efforts to be a better citizen and protector of the earth but I still don’t think earth is a place I would want to bring an innocent child. Not in my lifetime.
Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents: How to Heal from Distant, Rejecting, Or Self-Involved Parents (2015) by Lindsay Gibson
Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving
(2018) by Pete Walker
Physical abuse, any type of abuse actually including emotional and mental. I will not hurt my kids the way I was hurt.
I will not be telling them or taking them to church that will tell them they are inherently sinful selfish beings deserving of burning in hell. Because I know that almost all of what can be frustrating behavior in children is not a demon but developmentally appropriate.
Religious trauma
Low self esteem.
My kids have it drilled in that they are kind, smart, brave, strong and beautiful.
My kids will always be loved for who they are. Wasn’t my case
My mother had anger issues and any time we slightly inconvenienced her (as kids often do) we would hear an endless stream of insults about how we were dumb or worthless bc she was angry. I don’t think she meant the things she said, but anger would just come over her and awful things would come out of her mouth. I really realized how differently I treated my own kids when one day I drove my teenage daughter all the way across town for a sleepover. Two minutes before we got to the friend’s house, she realized she had left her phone home. I said- okay, let’s go get it. She apologized and said thank you. I thought about what my mother would have done if that was me. I would have had to hear about how stupid I was for the entire return trip and a laundry list of all my faults. She would have gotten herself so worked up by the time we got home that she wouldn’t have brought me back to my friend’s house. I still occasionally have nightmares about her doing this to me. I’m glad I’ve done better by my kids.
I refuse to ever make my child feel scared to be around me or to speak to me about anything and voice her own opinion.
I refuse to let my child ever think that she’s just a lodger in our house and I can kick her out at any point.
I refuse to ever make my child lock herself in her bedroom, sat against her door so that I can’t physically attack her and scream in her face.
Sadly I had to go through all of these as a child myself.
Beating the crap out of my kid or calling them stupid just because they: 1) spill something 2) can’t find something 3) or overall just exist
I love my kids so damn much and can’t even fathom hurting them physically or emotionally so much they even question if I love them. Nope nope and nope. To this day I still have nightmares of my mom hating me due to the way she treated me
First of all, I will never have children if I can help it. Too much unavoidable shit I could pass on. But it could still happen, and even if I don’t, I love keeping myself involved with the tiny humans owned by friends/family.
I love to help actively teach the new humans lessons about life. How to manage emotions and expectations, how to handle conflict, how to save and budget, how to be supportive for people around you, how to stand up for yourself… All the things no one taught me. I love watching my friend and her husband raise their girls, because they’re so on top of all of that, not to mention that they’re the parents that will openly and clearly apologize when they mess up. Like if dad loses his temper and raises his voice too much while disciplining. He lets them know they deserve to be spoken to respectfully and he shouldn’t have done that. Fucking beautiful.
I’m a support system for parents as well, here with listening ears or half-educated advice (studied child development for a year in college – super cool stuff). My friend currently needs some extra emotional support while her oldest is being examined for ADHD, dyslexia being next on the list of possibilities. Which is another thing I’d do differently than my parents; pay attention to their struggles and don’t just fucking dismiss them like it’s purposeful misbehaviour. I’m not diagnosed, but I’m 99.9% positive I’ve got ADHD, and a diagnosis paired with coping skills could’ve made such an insane difference in my childhood. Understanding how my brain works definitely makes a difference in my adulthood!
Just talk to kids. Listen to them. They need to feel heard, they need older people they can actually trust so that when bigger issues arise down the line, they’ll tell you. You’ll be able to help. They won’t just suffer in silence and feel like a burden, because you won’t have ever made them feel like a burden for needing you. That’s the biggest one, I think.
Existing
Gender stereotypes. No one gets limited from or forced into situations simply because of their gender.
Let people decide what they love in life, and the paths and passions they follow
If my child says I did something that hurt them I’ll say sorry and listen to them rather than dismiss it as oversensitive
Pushing kids to eat at dinner. I was a skinny kid and maybe they were worried but it made dinner extremely tense for me. So as a mom, I just offered my kids (they’re grown now) smallish portions of casserole or whatever, and a vegetable or fruit, and didn’t talk about how much or how little they were eating. Btw bc of the childhood memories plus other things I developed an eating disorder that I was eventually hospitalized for. To this day, when I visit families and they’re spending half the meal arguing with their young children about eating their veggies and other “healthy food,” I get triggered and almost can’t eat!
Any of it.
Racism. I am teaching them to embrace and respect other cultures.
Not talking about hard things and not questioning beliefs. I’ve leaned in to hard conversations from day one with my kids (I adopted my first when she was 7, so day one is accurate).
Being utterly dismissive of his feelings.
Losing Them To The System I over mom because of it! My parents failed me.
Telling them constantly to lose weight when they are at a healthy weight.
I was 144 lbs when I was young and I was and still am 5’8.
My mom was always worried about my weight and made me go on diets and try to work out and I needed to lose 10 lbs and that stomach pouch.
Well 20+ years later I am now 240lbs and my muscles are so messed up because of not doing work outs properly and she still brings up losing weight and honestly talking about it just stresses me out.
I know I need to lose weight now but she should have left me be when I was young.
She doesn’t realize that it was counter productive and now I can’t even think about losing weight without producing a stress response in my mind and body.
A quick fuse. My dad had many great qualities, but he was quick to get irritated due to some health issues. It kept me on edge as a kid.
I’m working hard to not pass that to my kid. If I do get angry, I apologize. He’ll experience anger in the world and he has to be prepared, but I don’t want him to walk on eggshells around me.
If I ever raise kids, my psychological baggage will not be their job to fix.
I refuse to have children because I didn’t dodge the trauma well enough myself.
Where to start?
I’d probably say to acknowledge that children have valid feelings and opinions, and include them (age appropriately) in decision making.
Even in my early 20s my Mom refused this and pretended I had no idea what’s going on or could in any way make decisions for myself.
ETA: I don’t have children (yet).
I never had children due to family trauma… to be honest I couldn’t guarantee that I wouldn’t pass it on
Sexual traumas.
Us kids were left alone a lot and things we didn’t fully understand happened that shouldn’t have – between us, not from adults in the family.
My kids will not be left alone with cousins for hours at a time and no supervision, especially with cousins more than 2 years older than themselves.
Not having kids but if I was, it’d be my family. They’re the trauma
I was raped by my FIL as a teenager. It took me about 20 years to realize what he’d actually done and that it was a big deal. When I decided that my kids would no longer be exposed to him, my MIL told me that what happened to her as a kid was worse than what happened to me, and she and eventually her kids still had to be around said family member. That shit stops here. I’m not putting my kids in the hands of a known predictor, so that cycle can continue. That man will NEVER be around my kids again.
Passive aggression
I will never tell them what a complete and utter bastard their dad is. I will never tell them why I had to leave.
Hard enough when your mother moves out, they don’t need to have their relationship with their dad changed as well.
Of course, this means that I am alone and they think badly of me. But if that’s what it takes.
Apologising if I mess up and never raising my hand to him.
He is able to speak up for himself and we also have a parent check in where he tells us how we are doing without any judgement or shade thrown at him.
All of it. I opted out of parenthood.
Because i said so…
Religion.
Yo-yo dieting and shitty eating habits
I’ve not had children to prevent the curse of narcissism from going to another generation. Both my mother & brother are narcissists.
All of it. That’s why I’m child free. None of them should have reproduced. I’m ending it.
Gambling will be forbidden in my household.
When I was a kid, my dad would sell my toys to cover his lottery losses, and when I was old enough to get a job, he would regularly hit me up for money to either replace the money he lost or so he could buy more tickets.
Putting my siblings and parents welfare before my children. My children come first.
Alcohol and all that comes with that addiction. My Irish family struggled with it and I was determined that my kids would avoid it. Never kept liquor in the house or drank and warned them it was our poison; yet two had issues but are now well.
Money worries.
I remember always being worried about how much money I was costing my parents. I would eat less than I needed and never say if I needed anything because of extreme guilt. I remember my dad would always remind me how much money I was costing him and how much better off he would be if I wasn’t around. I carry money guilt even now as an adult.
If my kid needs something then it’s on me to get it for her, she didn’t ask to be born and it’s part of the responsibility I took on when I decided to have her. I will never guilt her for needing and wanting things.
Fat shaming, shaming emotional displays, ignoring mental health issues, shut shaming….yeah, my family ain’t perfect.
My way or the highway in all facets of parental control.
The lost of your mom in such an early age. I get that I cannot do anything about that for my daughter. But I really pray hard everyday to have a longer life for her.
Also to be the best friend for her in any capacity I can and she allowed. I felt so alone and not loved in my childhood. My parents did their best but I didnt know why I couldnt feel that at that time. I have a constant need for approval and its so hard to manage till this day. I only get better when I have my own child and realize all the things they did for me in the past. Anyway, I hope she will get a headstart in that area.
Food.
In this household, food is delicious, food is fuel & food is FUN.
I don’t want my kids to sneak chocolate chips at 2AM because their mother went on some sugar free, dairy free, ice cube & cabbage diet again.
You don’t have to sneak food of any kind. If you wake up at 2AM hungry we’ll get a snack together (within reason, I’m not whipping up a whole roast dinner but we can make a sandwich or yogurt or cereal or reheat some pizza)
I also don’t subscribe to the idea of time specific foods. You want pasta for breakfast? Sure! As long as we have time to make it. Toast for lunch & pancakes for dinner? Why not?
Some nights all I eat for dinner is a bowl of fruit or I’ll make a cheeseburger for breakfast.
I don’t have kids but I’m helping raise my siblings’ kids. Alcohol. I feared for my mother’s life, for my siblings and my life when my father was drunk. I don’t want these kids to know that feeling. I don’t drink I don’t even smoke.
Using shouting as communication
Punishment
Yelling. Bad habit and hard to break, but constantly monitoring my volume and tone and only yelling in emergencies is forefront on my priorities.
Guilt tripping. My dad is the king of guilt tripping. I refuse to make my kid feel guilty for being alive. That’s my fault.
Is autism trauma? Then yeah, autism
Bringing them down simply because your in a mood or take the excitement or joy out of something, or promise them something and not follow through