What helped you personally deal with a mismatch in intimacy needs in a relationship?
What helped you personally deal with a mismatch in intimacy needs in a relationship?
r/AskWomen
What helped you personally deal with a mismatch in intimacy needs in a relationship?
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So many distractions… it doesn’t work.
nothing really. it’s just probably not compatible and that’s okay, not everyone is
Break up
In LTR mismatches in intimacy are natural and bound to happen at times. What matters most is not stepping away from intimacy altogether, but instead working together to understand what’s changed and finding solutions to reconnect. Open communication and mutual effort are key to restoring closeness.
Divorce.
I just took into account her past and decided to proceed with love and understanding. I was fine with cuddling, kissing, hugging, etc
Breaking up.
We went 7 months without sex and I was losing my mind. It was so hard being 22, hit on every god damned day by coworkers/classmates/strangers, and then completely sexually ignored by the one person I actually wanted attention from. I sat him down at least a dozen times and tried to work on a solution. But then the next time we’d have a talk, he’d act like I was bringing it up for the first time ever. The breakup “blind sided” him despite me breaking down crying in front of him several times for the same issues over and over again. It wasnt just sex, he was treating me like a roommate. We stopped going out/dating altogether and he wasnt even bothering to spend time with me on holidays or my birthday.
He admitted to me post break up that he had a porn addiction. And tried for years to get me back. That relationship really ruined my self esteem for a bit.
Enm
You can communicate each other’s needs/wants/desires and come up with ways to explore different ways to satisfy each other.
It depends. Some things you might have to break up over, like if you’re fundamentally kinky and your partner is fundamentally vanilla. In relationships with mismatches in libido, I’ve tended to just masturbate more (and get more sex toys lol).
Communicating to see if it could be work. I had a fair share of partners when I was single and let me tell you, some people really just will never vibe the same way you do and it won’t be worth it long term
A few things.
Understanding how love languages work, I learned that I wasn’t having my emotional needs met from my partner because they never spoke my love language. So no surprise I was never in the mood for sex with them.
Then, learning the difference between a responsive and spontaneous sexual desire helped as well.
In the end it helped me understand that my ex and I just were not sexually compatible. In order to have the level of sexual desire that matched his, I needed certain needs to be met, that he was not capable of doing. So we broke up and now I know what I need in order to be fulfilled and to actually have a functioning, healthy sex drive.
Detach from preprogrammed ideals of what a healthy and successful relationship looks like. Focus on what actually brings us joy and security.
In my 20’s, I cheated. As fate would have it, I was cheated on in my next relationship. In my current relationship, he and I have the same drive, same freak behavior- he also has an autoimmune disease where he battles fatigue. I wait, patiently. I understand that he wants to and that his body is exhausted from attacking itself. He and I have had periods of not being together/ dating other people- it feels like he understands my body on a spiritual level. So I wait, and I enjoy the nonsexual forms of intimacy that we share. Sometimes I ask if his mouth is tired 😏 sometimes he’s in pain and fatigued and he lets me “do whatever I want. I know I’m not heavy, and I know the added weight of me on him and riding wont help his back pain so- as a massage therapist, I treat him… then I really treat him. I’ve never been in a relationship like this that feels so safe and so seen. I’m at an age where I don’t want messy or karma. I’m mature enough to handle a difficult conversation where I hadn’t before. It’s peaceful.
Talking about the issues we had and now we have great sex more often than ever. Trust me ladies a happy man makes a happy wife. I’m enjoying new things I’ve never thought about trying before.
I think it depends on what the mismatch is.
Some issues are able to be fixed with compromising or talking. Other issues are just way too much and nobody will ever be happy in the relationship.
My husband and I were mismatched at first, but then I found out I had a lot of issues because of sexual abuse I had faced in a past relationship.
So when my husband would do or say certain things, it would trigger me.
And then I got so freaked out I just didn’t wanna have sex anymore. I completely put the blame on myself despite my husband being a rockstar about it, and I was really confused about why I was having those problems.
It took me going to therapy and my therapist explaining to me that my ex did a lot of awful things to me sexually, and he forced me to do certain things and that it was not consensual or ok.
Then my husband and I worked with a sex therapist, and now we are extremely happy. I’m cumming, he’s cumming, I can’t get him off of me, he can’t get me off of him.
I communicated my needs specifically and why. It took a while but he caught on. He genuinely didn’t know what I was looking for because he is nice but he wasnt being sweet on purpose. I felt that was needed, warm gestures, random rain of compliments, kissing me on non sexual parts.
I push them away. I’ve been in the dynamic where I was always there – I love being able to regain power.
Dating is about finding a match. A “mismatch” does not work
Communicate. Communicate. Communicate. And communicate some more. Seeking outside help and other resources. There are many books to read on this topic. If one or both partners shut down and aren’t communicating, the relationship will eventually end. Also try having sex more often. The more you try, the more you can problem solve and get the sex you both really want! That worked for us.
I left. A mismatch in needs doesn’t get better in my experience, and dead bedrooms aren’t something you can fix by yourself. But my ex guilt tripped me for WANTING more sex. He made me feel crazy. So in healthy relationships maybe you can meet in the middle.
Amicable separation and then divorce while remaining great friends (there was no romance at that point either, just platonic feelings) and then falling in love with and marrying someone else who came from a similar first marriage, where we know we’ll always both prioritise sexual intimacy because it’s a meaningful part of our connection.
We tried a sex therapist. That worked for a little bit but it was too late I think. We broke up in the end and I got my libido back as soon as we broke up. Turns out that having his family live with us and his Dad knocking on the bedroom door while we were trying to be intimate was a big turn-off for me.
I now live by myself and have a FWB that comes over now and again and we have amazing sex.
I realized I enjoy the intimacy of it and the validation. So if he’s not feeling it, just being cuddled and told I’m pretty is enough for me. Then when it does happen it’s even better
Nothing. I could never “deal” aka settle with that. Huge no.
Breakup, I personally can’t be with someone who doesn’t match my needs sexually.
Another person for the break up tally lol
Communication.
He has given me space to work on my issues surrounding sex, we never stopped cuddling and kissing, but he gave me space. I felt like a terrible person for him. Because he gave me space and time (and I actively sought help, and went to therapy, still going) it’s naturally and spontaneously happening, and its so so lovely and I am so so grateful to him.
ghosting
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First thinking i was the problem then understanding were incompatible