I’m questioning myself a lot because I have always assumed I’d be the type of husband who is unconditionally supportive of my wife’s ambitions. Honestly, I feel like such an asshole, so don’t be shy if you think I’m being one.
So i’m a lawyer, and my wife has worked in the service industry her whole life. When we met a few years ago, she was a server at a nice restaurant, but before that she had been a manager or held more high ranking roles. She’s a badass, if you watch The Bear you know the vibe of the fine dining world, it’s a serious career. She made a lot more money than servers at regular restaurants, but definitely a lot less than me.
So in our early dating we had barely any time together because I worked normal business hours Monday to Friday, she worked weekday evenings and a lot of weekend days. When we started to get really serious and were looking at moving in together, the lack of quality time bothered us both and I eventually offered to financially support both of us. This was after a lot of her complaining about the job, wanting to stay at home, her making jokes about wanting to be a trophy wife, etc. I just want to be clear that she was more than on board with this and there was no pressure from me. This wasn’t a political thing, neither of us buy into like tradwife bullshit, it was more like “well I love you, you’re unsatisfied with your job and our time together, your income isn’t really needed, what if you focus on doing art or maybe you’ll go back to school or something.”
She enthusiastically agreed and I was the sole breadwinner for about two years. Eventually she started getting kinda stir crazy and wanted to get back into her career which I supported. She got job as an assistant manager at a fine dining restaurant, and she was intentional about making sure she was in charge of weekday day shifts so that she and I were at work and home during the same hours. We’ve both been happy with this, I’m happy she feels fulfilled and in her lane again. When she went back to work about a year ago, she said she would make sure she wasn’t working nights and weekends.
Anyway, the general manager position came open at this restaurant, which would mean nights and weekends, and also 60+ hour weeks. She was extremely excited that the owner wants to interview her for this job. This led to a fight because she told me about it and I was like “oh… well, let’s think about it.” She was really upset that I wasn’t like unconditionally excited about it. Honestly I do regret not leading with congratulations for even being considered, that’s on me. She has a temper, and was pissed off at me for having any hesitation about the job. She called me controlling and kinda implied I was being sexist. And this was just from me not being totally on board, I definitely did not say I didn’t want her to do it, I didn’t ask her not to take it, let alone like give her an ultimatum or something. So to say the least, I have to approach this really delicately if I’m going to say I prefer for her not to take it.
It bums me out a lot because I feel like her staying home was a very mutual decision that we made while moving in together, like “this is the life we want.” I also feel like that at least as recently as going back to work she was making promises about not working nights and weekends. It was a mutual priority and I feel like I have a right to be sad she wasn’t to change that.
We are a really active couple, we are best friends, we are very joined at the hip and I really hate the idea of eliminating most of our free time together. It’s not an exaggeration to say she and I would basically never be working at the same time. If this promotion was a 9 to 5 job, there’s no question I’d be her biggest cheerleader.
So, honestly, I don’t want her to do it and I feel really guilty about that. And to be clear I’m not going to try to stop her if she’s determined, not going to threaten. If I tell her I don’t want her to do it and she decides to anyway I’m not going to divorce her or something, but i know she’ll be really upset. Is saying nothing the only good husband thing to do here? Is it reasonable for her to be angry at me or think I’m controlling if I say “honestly I don’t want you to do it, but if it’s important enough to you to do it anyway, I support you.” I should also say that realistically any general manager job in her world is going to work like this, I don’t really have the option of asking her to compromise by looking for a general manager position that only works day shifts somewhere else.
Comments
Is that initial fight the only conversation you’ve had about it? There’s a wide middle ground between saying nothing and issuing an ultimatum. If it were me, I would be approaching this from the perspective of mutual solution-seeking: given the challenges this new role will pose for you as a couple, what’s your plan for tackling them as a team? I might start with the question “what do you think about the fact that this would eliminate all our free time together” and see what she says.
Does she have hours open in the morning? You may have to cut your hours to find time. You’ve had the opportunity to have the career you wanted for a long time, it’s fair for her to have hers. If this means taking a pay cut, or looking for a position at another firm, so be it, your relationship should be worth it. If not let her take the job, and say you’d like to check in and make sure the relationship is coping well in a couple months. She may see then that it’s not working, and the two of you will have to make some tough decisions, but at least they will be informed by the reality of the situation.
Honestly, you don’t say ANYTHING right now. You cheer her on. She can always quit her job, you know? So can you! Jobs aren’t jails. So let her get the job. Celebrate how excited and amped up she is for this! YAY! New adventure!
She’s going to grow to hate the schedule and missing you.
In time, she’ll see it’s not ideal.
But for now, be SUPER excited for HER to have something super cool – and then just drop her cute little texts here an there saying you miss her and you love her. In 6 months revisit this and actually TALK about how much or little time you guys get together and if that’s enough.
I think you definitely should apologize for not being excited for her. I’ve been in her shoes and it really is hurtful to not have your partner reflect excitement. That said, i do think it’s perfectly okay to add “while i admit i didn’t react well, my first thought went to when we first started getting serious and we acknowledged that the lack of free time together wasn’t great for us. It’s not that i don’t support your aspirations, but i would be really sad to lose out on quality time with you”
I recommend revisiting this conversation but changing your framing. Don’t lead with “I dont want you to do it”, lead with something along the lines of you are proud of her, you know she will be more than capable of doing the job, etc, you just are worried that the position will end up eliminating the free time that you all have and take away from the weekends etc. Then maybe you all can discuss a plan moving forward on how you all can try to maintain that within her new role(if she is selected, of course).
I would just congratulate her and be happy for her. Then plan to start doing more things on your own. Hobbies, visits to parks, etc. You can support her, but you simply will have to learn to find happiness in being alone. Enjoy the few hours you have together when you can get them, but learn to enjoy being alone too.
You aren’t a child. She doesn’t need to entertain you. Be excited SHE IS EXCITED, and TRUST HER…to keep you as an important part of her life. Understand as an adult that what that looks like will change over time and life changes.
Go find out who you are outside of your wife.
In my 28 years of marriage I have learned a couple things.
My wife’s mental state is much better working than when staying at home. This is a no brainer.
My wife’s mental state is much better when she feels empowered and successful at work. I have the same feelings.
Even if things are more difficult to arrange spending the time and effort to keep the connection while the above 2 are met means both wife AND I are much happier.
The situation is outside your comfort zone. Be supportive. If it causes problems discuss it calmly. You want her to feel your support.
I would be concerned about her calling you controlling for your response. Seems like her first instinct is to go on the attack rather than have a calm, adult discussion.
I’m falling on the side of this being a problem that she has created.
>When she went back to work about a year ago, she said she would make sure she wasn’t working nights and weekends.
She hasn’t lived up to what she said she would. It’s all fine and dandy for her to want to take this job offer but that’s not what she said she would do a year ago, it is, in fact, the complete opposite. You may want to remind her of what she said when she first went back to work. Her ambition seems to have taken the driver’s seat over your marriage.
You both need to do some talking. This kind of change often leads to relationship breakdown so you both need to give your perspectives and do everything you can to find a resolution that doesn’t do permanent damage to your marriage. Find out where she sees her career in 10 years and where she sees your marriage. She may have stars in her eyes at this point and not understand the kind of strain this could place on your marriage.
If she’s determined to take the job then you might have to rearrange your own career to get some time with her. A marriage where you get no time with your spouse is probably not going to last.