Aside from the obvious, not driving or having a car. I live in a suburban area and it’s not at all practical to date someone without means to get around conveniently without an uber or lyft
As a relationship anarchist living in America, my deal breakers are major inconsistency, poor communication, or a lack of respect for my time/well-being. I might live in abundance of connection, but I am not in abundance of time or energy. My calendar is my altar.
Just off the top of my head, when someone knows you are going through a hard time yet they don’t reach out to you at all.. deal breaker for me in any friendship/relationship. I want to be cared about.
Lack of communication and cheating, if you can’t talk things out or go quiet when stuff gets tough, that’s hard for me. I don’t need constant texting or anything, just honest convos. Also, if someone’s super negative all the time. It drains me fast and I get that we all have bad days, but if the vibe is always heavy, I start feeling like I’m walking on eggshells.
Someone who has to schedule everything or is excessively spontaneous. There is a massive amount of middle ground between these two things, if you don’t fall somewhere in there forget it.
I’m married so- not being my wife is the first deal breaker… but suppose I woke up and my wife had disintegrated overnight.
I wouldn’t date anyone I work with. At least not anyone I work with every day.
I wouldn’t date anyone that lives more than 15 mins from my house (which rules out the vast majority of humankind as I live quite rurally).
I wouldn’t date anyone with children. Not that I dislike children, I love kids, I have my own. I just have seen when two parents both get together who have children it rarely works out well.
I wouldn’t date anyone that doesn’t like animals.
I wouldn’t date anyone that likes Trump. (she can be republican, that’s fine as long as she’s not MAGA).
I wouldn’t date someone already taken or who wanted a poly relationship.
I wouldn’t date someone over 12′ tall as they’d probably ask me to remove all the ceiling fans in the house.
I had a boyfriend living with me, had been let got from his job and didn’t tell me for nearly a month. He still got up every day for ‘work’. I came home early one day and caught him home when he should have been at work. The instant I found out, I made him leave, the shithead still owes me $5,000 for various expenses he should have covered.
I hate smoke… but I have dated smokers. I met a guy recently who smokes who I don’t know well but I’m attracted to BUT, this time I’m not dating a smoker. I just picture kissing a smoker and smelling smoke and I think I don’t care how awesome you are I care more about my comfort. Plenty of non smokers nowadays anyway. Deal breaker.
When you find out a couple of months into the relationship that they were a spider all along and you find yourself paralyzed in their web and singing The Cure’s Lullaby with a faint voice…
-Lack of effort
-Hygiene
-Inability to have normal boundaries around attractive members of the gender they’re attracted to.
-Expectation that I would be taking care of all housework and childcare. Yes I would be working too, I’ll be damned to be left and left with nothing.
-Unhealthy codependent relationships with parents/siblings
-Anger and Drug Issues
If we need to go through each others phones just to trust each other it’s not worth it. Or if they have the “you can’t be friends with the opposite gender” mentality.
I’ve never gone through my girlfriends phone and she just plays games on mine (she doesn’t have many but I have tons), idc if she’s friends with dudes and she doesn’t care if I’m friends with girls.
Calling me Stupid 3 times for working out and some guys looking at me. I told him he disrespect me and he told me I did just cause that guys were looking at me that why He has to endure other man looking at me. The day I was in disbelief and didn’t end things, but I am ready to walk away someone that loves you no matter how mad they get shouldn’t disrespect you in any way. It was not my fault other man were checking me out I don’t have control what other people do.
sometimes being in love will make you excuse certain behaviors for that person you want to be with or dream a future, Dont do it 9 months dealing with emotional drain sorry needed to vent.
Breaking agreed upon terms. I’ve learned people’s relationships can take all sorts of forms and tolerate all sorts of behaviors that wouldn’t fly for me personally.
You want to include the idea that every time you have a fight you’re free to go bang someone else while you’re upset with each other? Cool beans if you both sign on. Emasculating language used between each other in public? Some people like that. Ordering the other person around like chattel? If it works for you both, go for it.
Cheating, lying, disrespect, half assed commitment and not putting work into a relationship when they know the importance of it.
Relationships take work and sometimes things aren’t always half way down the middle for couples but the commitment you make to someone includes picking up the slack if need be knowing your person would do the same for you back when and if need be. It’s about balancing life together and doing things for one another out of love ❤️
Going on a previous date experience which somehow managed to a 3rd date I noticed her interest in her phone far outweighed her interest in me
1st date jitters fair enough I get it
2nd date I noticed it more of a thing as she giggled along to her girls chat and 2 calls which outlasted it’s welcome
3rd date completely oblivious to her surroundings kept walking into things and people and clearly not engaging with me
I got about 30 mins in and said I didn’t feel it between the both of us, didn’t make a big scene and as expected she seemed unfazed and glued her eyes back into her phone as she walked off and straight into a lamppost
Oh and people who are hung up on their ex’sbthats a no-go zone right there, you’re the rebound that’s never gonna get bounced!
Being clingy or needy and demanding of my time and energy, especially in a relationship that hasn’t existed for long. Some people may think it’s romantic but I don’t want a good morning text, I don’t want a goodnight text, and I don’t want you to randomly text with no subject of conversation just for the sake of it! for gods sake stop fucking texting me! I hate when I get a text about something that does not matter at all and now I gotta be responsible for answering this text or I’m gonna have “left you on read” which is something that isn’t acceptable to do for some godforsaken reason. Leave me alone! Get a job!
•Smoking
•Coming home drunk
•Not respecting my family or theirs
•Not having any goals
•Lack of hygiene
•Rude to waiters or public servants
*these are in no order also I’m a 26(M)
Besides lack of respect and loyalty? Jealousy. I trust my husband to hang out with a female co-worker or even talk to an ex from high school on facebook. He trusts me to hang with guy friends. I would be angry if he didn’t have the same faith I have in him.
Another deal breaker would be mistreating my mini zoo of rescued animals. I’m happy I found a guy that treats them well and understands how much love I have for my bundles of fur and feathers.
lack of love, respect, communication skills, etc. These things go together more than one might think. And while relationships and love should be hand in hand with each other, sadly, no, manipulative people can rush and overwhelm you, on purpose, to engineer you in a relationship before you’re naturally ready, use you and then discard you, or worse. So. Be sure someone’s love is calm, and stable, amid, of course, the rush of hormones and emotions.
There’s a lot obviously lol, but most important would be not sharing similar views, whether it’s political, religious, future parenting styles or anything else
Not intelligent. Downright hateful and trying to screw me over. Barring that, okay with pretty much anything. Personally not very romantic, just need tick boxes. Bonus points if they’re down to peg if we’re ever intimate. Lol
Since I haven’t seen it yet: lack of reciprocity. There are so many out there that only ever take, never give back or do anything for you. Yeah hanging out and sex is fun and all but for a relationship to work more than just someone who costs me money, time, emotional and physical labor and all they offer me in return is a few laughs and some sex, nah you gonna stay in the casual zone.
There’s a whole list and we will be here for days, but my main one is, trying to change me for the betterment of you alone or trying to change me into your idle person, instead of just going to go find your idle person.
Cause cheating is an automatic if you’re someone that practises monogamous relationships or closed polyam relationships. ( Yes, it is not a polyam relationship without consent and proper communication. Else, it’s just cheating. )
Also, if you don’t respect or you belittle my hobbies, interests , passions, or talents. You don’t have to lie to someone and tell them they’re good at something they’re not, but you don’t have to be a jerk about it either.
Requiring me to get along with your family members in order for us to be together. Like if you NEED me to have your mother’s approval or have the acceptance of your family members. No thank you, I’m good. I’m not an in-law person in terms, I will not do things or help out simply to kiss your butt. The way I grew up ? You got family approval based on how healthy that relationship was and how well you treated each other in the relationship.
Also in that same light, don’t be desperate to impress my mother or family members. I’m more of a ” the bonds we choose to make” kind of person. Be more worried about what my best friend and my nephews and nieces think about you.
Obviously the the points other people made on this thread, like cheating and lack of respect.
But a really specific deal-breaker for me is if they still live with their parents if they’re 30+
Note: if something happened to them personally. Like becoming homeless or losing a job, I totally understand. But if it’s just laziness, It’s a turn-off.
I have dated three people who were so good at lying about their drug addictions but eventually they started to slip and I caught on. They were also very manipulative, which I feel has to go hand in hand when you’re lying to your partner and hiding something.
Besides obviously cheating etc, a failure to make an effort in things important to me would be a definite deal breaker. And this of course works both ways.
Comments
If she has or wants kids
The obvious aside…
Being parsimonious & mean spirited.
Cheating, or wanting a polygamous/“open” relationship
If she doesn’t shave her armpits/legs, etc
Continually prioritizing time with her friends over time with us.
Cheating
Starting smoking or doing drugs
Violence
Lack of respect. Once respect is gone, no amount of love can save the relationship.
Fucking other people. Definitely that.
Judging me harshly for having some mental illnesses that I in fact am managing, smoking, believing any incel bullshit, and wanting children
Not sharing similar values/being overly religious
Aside from the obvious, not driving or having a car. I live in a suburban area and it’s not at all practical to date someone without means to get around conveniently without an uber or lyft
Cleanliness and intelligence. If you don’t have either or are goi g to be 100% dependent on me for everything – nope. Find some other sucker
snoring and very course pubic hair and if she has smelly feet.. forget about it !
Lying
If they cheat, physically abuse me, or are narcissists.
Cheating. Simple.
Theft as a hobby
Cheating for sure
As a relationship anarchist living in America, my deal breakers are major inconsistency, poor communication, or a lack of respect for my time/well-being. I might live in abundance of connection, but I am not in abundance of time or energy. My calendar is my altar.
Disloyalty
Lying. I’m not talking about silly white lies. I’m talking full blown lies that could ruin our relationship.
Lusting over other women
Lack of common sense.
Being religious, conservative, or bigoted
Don’t be too loud
Republicans
For hubs and I it was always ‘if the other person wants children’
Being rude to their family or any service staff .
Cheat, abuse and being disrespectful to their parents.
Finding out that she was sexually active. That conversation always came up early on. If she was, it was over.
One sided love. I can’t do it.
Too social, too many friends, on social media, in that “world”
i could never have sex with a republican
Just off the top of my head, when someone knows you are going through a hard time yet they don’t reach out to you at all.. deal breaker for me in any friendship/relationship. I want to be cared about.
My partner having too many friends of the opposite gender
Cheating, disrespect, gaslighting
Lack of communication and cheating, if you can’t talk things out or go quiet when stuff gets tough, that’s hard for me. I don’t need constant texting or anything, just honest convos. Also, if someone’s super negative all the time. It drains me fast and I get that we all have bad days, but if the vibe is always heavy, I start feeling like I’m walking on eggshells.
Being a conservative or Christian. Sorry, my values have changed since I left my parents house.
If they’re poly. I’m strictly monogamous. Being poly isn’t on the table, at least not for several years.
Someone who has to schedule everything or is excessively spontaneous. There is a massive amount of middle ground between these two things, if you don’t fall somewhere in there forget it.
they’re a republican
I’m married so- not being my wife is the first deal breaker… but suppose I woke up and my wife had disintegrated overnight.
I wouldn’t date anyone I work with. At least not anyone I work with every day.
I wouldn’t date anyone that lives more than 15 mins from my house (which rules out the vast majority of humankind as I live quite rurally).
I wouldn’t date anyone with children. Not that I dislike children, I love kids, I have my own. I just have seen when two parents both get together who have children it rarely works out well.
I wouldn’t date anyone that doesn’t like animals.
I wouldn’t date anyone that likes Trump. (she can be republican, that’s fine as long as she’s not MAGA).
I wouldn’t date someone already taken or who wanted a poly relationship.
I wouldn’t date someone over 12′ tall as they’d probably ask me to remove all the ceiling fans in the house.
Lying.
I had a boyfriend living with me, had been let got from his job and didn’t tell me for nearly a month. He still got up every day for ‘work’. I came home early one day and caught him home when he should have been at work. The instant I found out, I made him leave, the shithead still owes me $5,000 for various expenses he should have covered.
If she don’t Bob the knob !
Cheating, abuse of any kind, unhygienic, drug use, has or want children, disrespectful to waiters, lying and the list could go on
Being stinky. Do something with your hygiene damn.
How hard is a shower?
Poor or zero communication in conjunction with stagnation? I guess – i’m probably not one to set true absolutes like this though
If she has a penis. It’s definitely a deal breaker for me.
Democrat—mentally unstable and poor moral compass.
Shits on my hobbies.
No Reciprocity! Meaning if that person shows signs of being a taker vs giver.
I hate smoke… but I have dated smokers. I met a guy recently who smokes who I don’t know well but I’m attracted to BUT, this time I’m not dating a smoker. I just picture kissing a smoker and smelling smoke and I think I don’t care how awesome you are I care more about my comfort. Plenty of non smokers nowadays anyway. Deal breaker.
When you find out a couple of months into the relationship that they were a spider all along and you find yourself paralyzed in their web and singing The Cure’s Lullaby with a faint voice…
Abuse of any kind.
Cruel to animals
Not sharing the meth and having no idea about Pete and Pete.
Lack of trust (both ways).
Being an addict. Wont go down on me.
If he likes Donald Trump, fuhgeddaboutit.
Drug use. Not that it’s bad, I just can’t be around it.
-Lack of effort
-Hygiene
-Inability to have normal boundaries around attractive members of the gender they’re attracted to.
-Expectation that I would be taking care of all housework and childcare. Yes I would be working too, I’ll be damned to be left and left with nothing.
-Unhealthy codependent relationships with parents/siblings
-Anger and Drug Issues
Anal
Infidelity, insults, beatings, disrespect
Smoking, children from previous relationship.
Infidelity and abuse.
When one of you have to be a warden
If we need to go through each others phones just to trust each other it’s not worth it. Or if they have the “you can’t be friends with the opposite gender” mentality.
I’ve never gone through my girlfriends phone and she just plays games on mine (she doesn’t have many but I have tons), idc if she’s friends with dudes and she doesn’t care if I’m friends with girls.
Someone who disrespects me or my family
Calling me Stupid 3 times for working out and some guys looking at me. I told him he disrespect me and he told me I did just cause that guys were looking at me that why He has to endure other man looking at me. The day I was in disbelief and didn’t end things, but I am ready to walk away someone that loves you no matter how mad they get shouldn’t disrespect you in any way. It was not my fault other man were checking me out I don’t have control what other people do.
sometimes being in love will make you excuse certain behaviors for that person you want to be with or dream a future, Dont do it 9 months dealing with emotional drain sorry needed to vent.
cheating
Not respecting boundaries.
No respect.
Liars
Breaking agreed upon terms. I’ve learned people’s relationships can take all sorts of forms and tolerate all sorts of behaviors that wouldn’t fly for me personally.
You want to include the idea that every time you have a fight you’re free to go bang someone else while you’re upset with each other? Cool beans if you both sign on. Emasculating language used between each other in public? Some people like that. Ordering the other person around like chattel? If it works for you both, go for it.
Cheating, lying, disrespect, half assed commitment and not putting work into a relationship when they know the importance of it.
Relationships take work and sometimes things aren’t always half way down the middle for couples but the commitment you make to someone includes picking up the slack if need be knowing your person would do the same for you back when and if need be. It’s about balancing life together and doing things for one another out of love ❤️
Children and smoking
Smoking ! Vaping ! Excessive drinking! Doing drugs ! Going parting every weekend ! 🤮
Passive aggression
Negging, independence, politics and intelligence
Going on a previous date experience which somehow managed to a 3rd date I noticed her interest in her phone far outweighed her interest in me
1st date jitters fair enough I get it
2nd date I noticed it more of a thing as she giggled along to her girls chat and 2 calls which outlasted it’s welcome
3rd date completely oblivious to her surroundings kept walking into things and people and clearly not engaging with me
I got about 30 mins in and said I didn’t feel it between the both of us, didn’t make a big scene and as expected she seemed unfazed and glued her eyes back into her phone as she walked off and straight into a lamppost
Oh and people who are hung up on their ex’sbthats a no-go zone right there, you’re the rebound that’s never gonna get bounced!
Being clingy or needy and demanding of my time and energy, especially in a relationship that hasn’t existed for long. Some people may think it’s romantic but I don’t want a good morning text, I don’t want a goodnight text, and I don’t want you to randomly text with no subject of conversation just for the sake of it! for gods sake stop fucking texting me! I hate when I get a text about something that does not matter at all and now I gotta be responsible for answering this text or I’m gonna have “left you on read” which is something that isn’t acceptable to do for some godforsaken reason. Leave me alone! Get a job!
Yall are getting relationships?
Cheating
Not cleaning up after themselves or poor hygiene.
I didn’t sign up to be your parent, do it yourself. If you don’t, I’m not festering in your filth with you.
•Smoking
•Coming home drunk
•Not respecting my family or theirs
•Not having any goals
•Lack of hygiene
•Rude to waiters or public servants
*these are in no order also I’m a 26(M)
Mean to animals
Labeling other people or categorizing them and not liking them
Lack of trust or always assuming the worst
Lying.
I have a saying about this sorta thing “I like my women like I like my coffee. Without somebody else’s dick in it.”
Accidentally slipping onto someone elses dick is pretty bad.
Besides lack of respect and loyalty? Jealousy. I trust my husband to hang out with a female co-worker or even talk to an ex from high school on facebook. He trusts me to hang with guy friends. I would be angry if he didn’t have the same faith I have in him.
Another deal breaker would be mistreating my mini zoo of rescued animals. I’m happy I found a guy that treats them well and understands how much love I have for my bundles of fur and feathers.
lack of hygiene
lack of love, respect, communication skills, etc. These things go together more than one might think. And while relationships and love should be hand in hand with each other, sadly, no, manipulative people can rush and overwhelm you, on purpose, to engineer you in a relationship before you’re naturally ready, use you and then discard you, or worse. So. Be sure someone’s love is calm, and stable, amid, of course, the rush of hormones and emotions.
Lack of accountability. Blameshifting.
Lying, and cheating. Lying about cheating.
Lying and poor communication
cheating
There’s a lot obviously lol, but most important would be not sharing similar views, whether it’s political, religious, future parenting styles or anything else
Not intelligent. Downright hateful and trying to screw me over. Barring that, okay with pretty much anything. Personally not very romantic, just need tick boxes. Bonus points if they’re down to peg if we’re ever intimate. Lol
If they can’t be silly
Since I haven’t seen it yet: lack of reciprocity. There are so many out there that only ever take, never give back or do anything for you. Yeah hanging out and sex is fun and all but for a relationship to work more than just someone who costs me money, time, emotional and physical labor and all they offer me in return is a few laughs and some sex, nah you gonna stay in the casual zone.
Lying
There’s a whole list and we will be here for days, but my main one is, trying to change me for the betterment of you alone or trying to change me into your idle person, instead of just going to go find your idle person.
Cause cheating is an automatic if you’re someone that practises monogamous relationships or closed polyam relationships. ( Yes, it is not a polyam relationship without consent and proper communication. Else, it’s just cheating. )
Also, if you don’t respect or you belittle my hobbies, interests , passions, or talents. You don’t have to lie to someone and tell them they’re good at something they’re not, but you don’t have to be a jerk about it either.
Requiring me to get along with your family members in order for us to be together. Like if you NEED me to have your mother’s approval or have the acceptance of your family members. No thank you, I’m good. I’m not an in-law person in terms, I will not do things or help out simply to kiss your butt. The way I grew up ? You got family approval based on how healthy that relationship was and how well you treated each other in the relationship.
Also in that same light, don’t be desperate to impress my mother or family members. I’m more of a ” the bonds we choose to make” kind of person. Be more worried about what my best friend and my nephews and nieces think about you.
Obviously the the points other people made on this thread, like cheating and lack of respect.
But a really specific deal-breaker for me is if they still live with their parents if they’re 30+
Note: if something happened to them personally. Like becoming homeless or losing a job, I totally understand. But if it’s just laziness, It’s a turn-off.
Cheating of any kind
Yelling at me
Druggies.
I have dated three people who were so good at lying about their drug addictions but eventually they started to slip and I caught on. They were also very manipulative, which I feel has to go hand in hand when you’re lying to your partner and hiding something.
If she doesn’t like 30 Rock/Liz Lemon, that’s a dealbreaker.
Alcoholics! Harder to avoid than it seems
Besides obviously cheating etc, a failure to make an effort in things important to me would be a definite deal breaker. And this of course works both ways.
Infidelity.
Wanting kids and not liking (or at least nicely tolerating) cats
Jealousy
Don’t lie to me. How can I ever trust you again?