Moved to NJ from Europe. Have been invited to a party in someone’s home to celebrate someone’s birthday but also as a bit of a Kentucky Derby bash. Is there anything I need to know?
I know for the Derby there might be a dress code (which I am checking with the host) but what’s the norm in the US for house parties generally? Bringing our own alcohol, giving the host a gift, arriving early/on time/a little after the specified time? Anything a very clueless (and overthinking) European needs to know?
ETA – we’re in our early to mid 30s if that makes a difference.
Comments
Arrive 15-20 minutes after the stated time. Definitely do not arrive early. If it is for someone’s birthday, you can give them a gift (alcohol could be good, but make sure they are not sober, also depends on how well you know the person).
The derby has kind of a crazy dress code, check and see how much the host wants you to adhere to that.
Bring alcohol as a gift for the host or to share with the other guests. I wouldn’t bring alcohol just for my own consumption.
Depending on host or relationship, bring a gift (birthday) and drinks. Expect to share your drink and be offered one from someone else. Attire will vary.
Ask what you can bring, either food or drinks, first. Food can be tricky if everything is catered or the hosts spent a lot of time making the food spread for everyone. However I don’t think anyone would turn down alcohol to share with everyone. Since you’re in your 30s, just don’t cheap out on the cheap stuff.
What is expected will depend a lot on your host.
As a general set of rules for parties with people in their 30’s:
You’re right to ask about dress code.
Bringing some alcohol can’t hurt. They’ll probably provide, but it never hurts to give hosts free booze and you cover your ass it they don’t. You can always ask if you need to bring anything.
Giving a small gift might be nice and if you’re really anxious about making a good impression it won’t hurt, but in your position I probably wouldn’t.
I would arrive ~15 minutes after the scheduled start. Do not under any circumstances arrive early.
Just…do as the Romans do. Act like everybody else, don’t light anything on fire or piss in a houseplant, and you should be good.
Flowers are always nice, but bring them in a container and not as a paper-wrapped bouquet. That way the host doesn’t have to find something to put it in while doing hosting duties.
Ladies usually wear hats.
There’s such a wide range to this, it’s best to simply ask the host these questions. In my friend group, the hosts are usually pretty up front. “Party starts at 5, we’ll have mint juleps but feel free to BYOB, no gifts, dress to impress!” etc.
Don’t arrive early, hosts are often getting last minute things done. On time is just fine.
it varies, so i would ask the host/other people going.
don’t show up early, or even at the time the party is “starting”. yu don’t want to be the first one or the only one there.
i personally never show up to someone’s house empty-handed, but it’s not required for you to bring a gift for the host. i usually choose a bottle of wine or whatever the favorite spirit or beer the host likes most.
derby parties are great. have fun!
Usually you just bring yourself, but a bottle of wine is almost always wecome (if teetotaler a small box of chocolates or flowers are also good). I usually ask if I can bring something and the host will let you know if it is welcomed. The only exception would be a potluck where everyone is expected to bring a dish to share.
Bring some shared alcohol and maybe a little plate of appetizers if you are in a culinary mood. The alcohol is meant to be shared not just for you.
You also might look up a cocktail since it’s the Derby and bring the ingredients for that.
Show up 10 minutes or so after the official start time, definitely not early. That’s called “fashionably late.”
Check on dress code just because it’s the Derby.
Don’t overthink it too much.
Wear what you want if there’s no dress code. Casual is a good way to go.
Bring your own beverages. A bottle of wine or liquor for the host is appreciated, or snacks/finger foods to help feed the crowd.
Unless it’s a surprise party, time isn’t super important, but be sure to vacate on time if there’s a cut-off time on the invite.
I’m 50, so all of our parties are super laid back with few expectations except that you not trash our house, be polite (no fighting) and have a good time.
Kentucky Derby attire is pretty distinct and fun to do. You should probably contact your host asap for more info so that you can look for some attire in the stores tonight. They might even have some ideas on where to shop locally.
You usually don’t need to bring the host a gift. But if it’s a B-day party, some little gifty type thing for the B-day person is always appreciated, and it could be as simple as a warm B-day card or bottle of wine with a B-day card hanging on it, or something.
There is traditionally a fair amount of drinking related to the Derby, and betting on the races, so you should confirm with the host.
Ask them “can I bring anything?” and take their word for it: don’t bring gifts they didn’t ask for
Arriving “fashionably late” (~10min after the official start time) is normal: but any arrival/departure time is fine, really, as long as you’re not showing up early while they’re still getting ready
Other than that there’s not deep etiquette or anything, just be nice, thank and help out the hosts where appropriate, and enjoy yourselves
I never arrive empty handed. Even if the host says I don’t need to bring anything. A bottle of wine or whatever kind of liquor they like, or something related to the event.
Don’t arrive early, the host might be busy getting things ready last minute. I usually arrive 15-30 minutes after the time the party is supposed to start.
It kinda depends on the circle, but bringing your own alcohol that you’re willing to share and leave behind is good. So like if you buy a 24 pack of beer, feel free to share and leave extras behind. Some people will look at it as you being “cheap” if you take your stuff back home while I’m sure some friend groups don’t care.
You can also do plant or desert as a gift to the host. Wine is a common gift but that’s difficult if you don’t know the type they like. You can also ask them if they would like you to bring anything (most of the time people will ask you to bring something like ice, soda, or chips.) If you do ask this you don’t need to bring anything else but don’t forget a birthday gift (gift cards are the easiest for this.)
I’d check with the host on dress code and ask if there’s anything they’d like me to bring. Even if they decline, I’d probably bring a baked good, a bottle of wine or liquor, flowers, a potted plant, or some other small host gift. (I doubt many would think it weird if you didn’t do this, but I like not showing up empty handed.)
I would not bring alcoholic drinks for my own consumption unless the event is expressly stated as BYOB.
Do not arrive early. 15ish minutes past the stated time is probably great.
All in all, Americans are generally informal in social situations, especially a house party. Just using basic manners and keeping an eye on what others are doing will probably be more than enough for you to not stand out.
Big hats. Kentucky derby fashion is very much about hats.
Google Kentucky Derby fashion. It’s definitely a “high fashion” dress up event. Double check with your hosts if they’re following KD dress code.
As far as gifts, I’d probably just bring a nice bottle of wine or liquor. Mint juleps are a popular KD cocktail.
Source: Grew up in the south with a lot of KD parties lol.
Do not arrive early. Arrive when the party begins or up to an hour or so later.
Bringing snacks and/or something to drink is a good idea. Expect that other people will eat or drink what you bring and you are also welcome to eat or drink what others have brought as well as anything provided by the host. (Use your judgement on this– if it seems like one of the guests brought a specific drink only for themselves, ask first!) There’s no expectation that you bring a gift, although you could bring a small one if you want to.
Not much to know. Be polite. Ask the host if you can bring something. If they say, a bottle of wine (or mint julips) or flowers for the hostess, is a gracious touch. Ask the hostess if you can help her with anything. Be prepared for weird questions about where you’re from. Say thank you when you leave.
Typically bringing a six pack (beer) or modest bottle of wine is appropriate and appreciated even if not asked to.
This one isn’t a holiday party but if you’re hitting a house party in the Christmas season keep a wrapped bottle of a nicer wine $40-50 in the car or wife’s oversized purse. Avoids awkwardness if they bust out a gift – you left theirs in the car, be right back.
Usually arrive 10-15 minutes after the designated start time.
Ask if there’s anything they need help with to wrap up prep when you arrive – it’s almost always no but a standard polite gesture.
You may be the most interesting one there so be prepared to talk a lot.
Stay away from politics with Americans. You can say something like “not touching that one with a 20 meter pole” and pivot into talking about learning metric to U.S. measurement conversions or whatever.
Check that booze is an ok gift. Lots of folks do not drink. Arrive 15 min after the start time. Bring a gift for the birthday person. A small gift for the host is fine but not necessary. Do not get sh*tfaced drunk. You will regret it. Ask if you need to bring food. Thats a Pot luck. Do not be the last one to leave. Read the room. If four or more folks leave, follow them out. Have fun. Be ready to answer lots of questions about your country. Pet the dog. Talk to the children. Be friendly.
There’s no one thing. It depends what you’re doing.
Ask the host if you can bring anything. Even if they say no, bring a bottle of wine or six pack of beer. (Unless you know that the host doesn’t drink, of course.) There will almost certainly be way more alcohol than people can consume but you do not want to show up empty-handed.
They might say “yeah, bring a snack or some dessert!”, in which case you can’t go wrong with a snack you enjoy to share. A bag of chips and some salsa, a baguette or fancy crackers and some cheese, some fancy olives, whatever you like. If you like baking, maybe make some cookies. If you can make or bring something from your home country, people would probably enjoy trying it.
Although people at the Kentucky Derby do dress up in a funny way, I wouldn’t necessarily expect people watching it at a party in NJ to follow suit. Maybe some people will dress up for fun but I doubt most people will. The Derby is over very fast so I assume that most of the party will just be regular socializing and not horse-related. Since you’re adults, it will probably just be people hanging out and chatting, eating and drinking.
invited to a party in someone’s home – dress casually, but upscale and bring sharable drinks. Bottle or two of wine, 12 pack of beer or cider, etc.
to celebrate someone’s birthday – bring a gift (small, generic – I usually go with liquor)
but also as a bit of a Kentucky Derby bash – women wear decorative hats, it’s not taken seriously
If it’s a formal thing, you’d bring flowers or something for the hostess, but this sounds pretty low-key.
I was always taught that the best guests knock with their elbows. (as in, they are carrying gifts)
The bare minimum expectation is that if booze drinking is occurring that you bring some booze. You will of course be allowed to drink from other provided booze as long as you are also fine with others drinking from yours. This is the only transactional element of a U.S. house party as far as I’ve ever understood it.
One good thing to ask if the host is if it’s BYOB. That’s short for bring your own beer. If yes, bring whatever you plan to drink and maybe a couple to share. If not, it’s a good opportunity for the host to either say we have plenty of liquor/beer or no this is a dry party or something if that is the case, though that’s rare. In general, just don’t assume anything is for everyone unless the host shows you where it is or it’s presented like on a table in the middle of everything.
Varies widely. Ask the person who invited you. It could be anything from bring a food dish to be ready to share your pink cocaine. There is no standard set of expectations. As a foreigner, there’s probably not a lot expected of you.
Ask the hosts. Every party is different.
A Kentucky derby party is definitely not a typical American house party.
Dress code is absolutely the largest factor there.
Bourbon is a big drink at the Kentucky Derby. You could find a small bottle of that and bring it as a gift.
Bring a shareable snack (party size bag of chips or a vegetable tray is fine) and maybe some beers or liquor for sharing. If you prefer only to bring your own alcohol that’s fine, just label it.
Someone hosting a Derby party will almost certainly have a ton of ingredients set up for everyone to make mint juleps already though.
No need to dress up too fancy, just look well put together. If you want to dress up, just look up what people wear to the Derby and see if there’s anything you can pull together out of your closet.
Bring a gift like a bottle of wine or a birthday card or something.
I would call or text the host and just ask:
Hey, this is my first party in the US. Can I bring anything? How about some beer/wine? I’d like to get a birthday present for Bob – what sort of things does he like? I’m looking forward to spending time with everyone/ getting to know everyone.
I think your host will let you know more about expectations then. Even if you take a gift for the birthday person, a bottle of wine (doesn’t have to be expensive)or flowers or small plant from the grocery store (not an expensive arrangement from a florist) will be appreciated by the host.
Unless you’re actually in Kentucky I wouldn’t worry about dressing up.
There’s usually a fancy hat thing for the Derby, just Google it, but you don’t have to do it.
You can bring Kentucky bourbon for this party, but for a standard house party I’d bring a bottle of wine. I have some small vineyards I like – I bring a $30-ish bottle from one of those. Something I know I like and can talk about, but you do not need to go out and buy a $100 bottle for a party.
The host might not open your wine that day. They might have a couple bottles already open. That’s normal if they don’t open yours right there. It may get worked into the rotation that day, or it may end as a host gift. Both are normal.
If the host isn’t a wine drinker, they’ll just regift excess wine. That’s also normal.
Don’t arrive early. If you arrive right on time, you’ll be among the first there, which can be a bit awkward if you don’t really know the host. I’m guessing the invite time is 6pm ET? Post time is 6:57pm ET, so arrive at 6:15-6:30.
Somebody will probably hand you a mint julep. A strange drink, very sweet, bourbon based. It is only consumed in conjunction with this race (for most people).
NJ native here. Bring a bottle of wine for the host or a liquor if you know they’re partial to something. If they don’t drink, everyone loves flower or a potted plant. Ask in advance if there’s anything you could bring, Expect them to say no, or maybe take you up on bagged ice, but it’s really the gesture there more than anything. Arrive 20 mins after the specific start time or later, not on time and NEVER early unless asked specifically to help set up. If they’re good friends, it’s common to offer a helping hand with light cleanup due to messes incurred from the party.
Remember that we say it as Derrby, not Dahby. You don’t have to conform to this, but you should know about it going in.
And fancy (US fancy — like stylish, but not modern stylish) hats are definitely a thing, usually warm somewhat ironically. Even if you’re the only ones who show up in hats, you’ll be admired for it. Google “derby hats” for examples. Also, feel free to come in tiny hats (like fascinators, but shaped like little hats) if you’re celebrating indoors in NJ (but not in KY — you’ll want the shade from the brim).
Kentucky Derby usually has a whole theme to it too. Much more dressed up (think cosplaying British aristocracy at the horse races) and whiskey focused drinks. Best to ask about dress code and bring some kind of gift (Kentucky whiskey would not go amiss).
Apart from that, don’t worry too much! If there’s anything else special that the party host wants you to know about, they’ll tell you. This kind of party is usually very informal.
Fashionably a little later than the specified time is fine. But since there’s a specific event, ie the Derby, check what time that starts and make sure you are there for the start of it. The race itself, from starting bell to finish line, lasts less than five minutes.
Ask if you can bring anything. A bottle of wine or booze is always a nice host/ess gift.
If you choose to bring flowers, bring them in a vase so that the host/ess doesn’t have to figure out what to do with them.
Flowers are often an enjoyed hostess gift
American will argue about what is too early or too late.
Whatever happens, don’t shout, “Come on Dover, move your bloomin’ arse!!” That would be uncouth.
Bring a gift. Drinks or wine are generally acceptable. For a derby I would double check if they are trying to do a themed party. That would also give you a hint on the gift.
I was raised to never show up for a party empty handed. Either a bottle of wine or booze (host can serve it or not that’s up to them), a special snack or dessert treat, flowers, it can really be a variety of things. If you google “hostess gifts” there are lots of articles with ideas.
Do NOT arrive early, it is considered rude. You can arrive on time but most people prefer guests to come 10-30 minutes after the start time. Do bring a gift (usually a bottle of alcohol if there is alcohol involved). Do have fun dressing up if it is a themed event. Kentucky Derby is a fun event to dress up for.
I would say the etiquette it depends greatly on the level of affluence. I have only ever experienced hostess gifts and dress codes at house parties hosted by middle and upper middle class Americans. Less affluent Americans are more likely to ask if they can bring something to contribute to the meal, or just show up with whatever they want to drink. I’ve never been invited to a house party at the home of a wealthy American, so I can’t really speak to that culture.
Other than that, have fun. A Kentucky Derby party should be a blast.
Bring your own alcohol (unless it’s a rich person party or you were told you don’t have to), dress for the theme, a gift for the host is nice in your 30s, arrive a little late and never early.
Don’t break shit and don’t steal shit tf what are you expecting
kentucky derby attire pics
Bottle of wine or a dessert like cookies is always nice, . Don’t bring up politics or religion. Don’t arrive early. Don’t stay late. Don’t get super drunk. Other than that have a nice time.
Welcome! I’m in NJ also, I would say ask the host what you can bring and if nothing is their answer, offer up something. Most times I host I say bring what you want to drink but we’ll have (list drinks).
With it also being a birthday, a tiny gift would be apropos but that depends on your relationship with them. A household item can’t go wrong, perhaps something that will them host the party.
I would ask the host how much people tend to dress up. I would guess you’ll get some people going all out and some doing nothing special, so you probably won’t stick out either way. Even if people aren’t going all out, I’ll bet some of the women will show up in hats (either large hats with flowers on them, or British-style fascinators) and pastel or floral dresses. For gents, the look is preppy. Hats are also in, along with pastel colors, seersucker suits, and bowties. Just Google Kentucky Derby outfits and you’ll get a ton of results, the look is very much a thing.
Agree with the comments to show up around 10-15 minutes after the official start time. I would ask the host if you can bring anything, and they might offer you a suggestion (an appetizer, side dish, dessert, or drinks). If they say not to worry about it, it’s still polite to bring a host gift… generally a bottle of wine, but in this case, Kentucky bourbon would be fun! If they don’t drink alcohol, you could go for a box of candies, some coffee or tea, or some nice snacks. They might serve it at the party, or they might save it to enjoy later (either is acceptable).
Bring some Taylor Ham.
I was always taught that one brings a gift for an overnight stay and a bottle of wine for dinner. I think a bottle of wine for a short drinks party is unnecessary but never amiss. Yes, to never arriving early!
A bottle of booze and a THC pen if that’s your style. Better to be over dressed than underdressed.
Pick up some woodford reserve Kentucky bourbon 🥃
There will be differing viewpoints on some things, but in general, it never hurts to bring a bottle of wine or six pack of beer to share, especially if you’re picky about what you drink. Other than that, if you’re unsure of what to bring, it’s okay to ask the host if there’s anything they’d like you to bring. They’ll probably say “no thanks, we’re all set” but they might say “actually, could you pick up some ice on the way?” or crackers, or cups or something.
If you really wanna be fancy, and this is truly honestly genuinely just a suggestion and by no means required (seriously, take me at face value here), Woodford Reserve often sells a special edition Kentucky Bourbon around this time of year, it’s usually pretty good, you could bring it as a host gift, but it is pricey, so again, it’s definitely not required.
The Kentucky Derby is a dressy event, not quite Royal Ascot but maybe something along the lines of Henley on Thames, I’d recommend dressing nicely, but ask the host what kind of vibe to go for.
Other than that, here’s some tips:
– some houses ask you to take off your shoes, some don’t, be prepared for either
– be fashionably late, at least 15 minutes after the stated time, although you could arrive any time in the first hour and be fine, but if they’re watching the race be sure you arrive before it starts.
– don’t drink anything that hasn’t been opened. Don’t touch the good sippin’ whiskey unless it’s offered to you.
– Don’t go through the cabinets in the kitchen or bathroom, don’t enter any room with a closed door unless given permission (bedrooms are often off limits unless they’re designated for something, like coats)
– Make sure you find the host to thank them and say goodnight before you leave
– Try not to get significantly more drunk than other people. If you’ve never had bourbon before, a mint julep might push you over the edge if you’re not careful. Happened to me several years ago, not a fun night, I was chugging water and shoveling potato chips into my mouth desperately trying to sober up.
Ask if you can bring anything and if they say no then you’re fine. Just show up and have a good time and be a fun guest. Send a thank you nite or text the next day saying how much you enjoyed the party.
My rule has always been to bring enough booze for myself, plus a bottle of wine for the host, and show up 10 min after start time
It depends entirely on the host! I’m from a family where we’d never dream of getting to a party at the specified time (unless it’s a dinner party and states the time at which dinner will be served.) My spouse would never dream of getting there after the specified time. I think it’s rude to show up until at least 15 minutes after that time; my spouse thinks one should be 15 minutes early.
Fancy dress and hats similar to a derby or Sunday church service in England.
Sounds fine to me, usual etiquette if a house guest. Southerners are very polite and will appreciate kindness and courtesy. Just asking this question shows you have those traits IMO. Should be fine.
Honestly, ask the host.
There are no set-in-stone rules for all American house parties. If they say “BYOB,” the means bring your own beer/booze, but otherwise that’s up to your host.
Bring booze, socialize, Americans generally don’t talk about politics or religion, it’s considered impolite.
A bottle of Kentucky bourbon would be appreciated! Enjoy. Probably country club casual… maybe khaki pants and sports shirt.
A dress code for a house party? That’s a new one for me. Is that a Derby thing or something?
If it’s a Derby party you’ll need a hat or to dress very dapper or lady like ( think fascinator with gloves and pearls). I’ve attended a Derby party for the past 6 years and it’s always a blast.
If I was invited to a Kentucky Derby bash I would absolutely bring a bottle of Kentucky bourbon to give to the hosts. I would (as a woman) also wear a big floppy hat. Google “Kentucky derby hats”.
If you’re going to a Derby party, it’s all about the hats for the ladies.
Don’t bring a dish, unless you warn the host, “Ive been wanting to make these cheese covered horse turds,” because your dish might not go with her menu, and that would stress me out.
Let us know how it went. Have fun!!!
Looks like you’ve got your advice from everyone else. Have fun!
Arrive 15 minutes late. You can ask about a dress code but you won’t go wrong with nice but still fairly casual (pants and collared shirt, basic dress).
Alcohol will most likely be provided. But bringing a bottle of wine, or whiskey, or something; is polite. But it may not be opened at this event.
Ask them if there’s anything that you cam bring.
They may tell you something (in which case bring that) or they will say “you don’t need to bring anything” in which case you can bring a bottle of wine or booze.
If your country is known for something special, you could bring that.
Derby parties are typically very boozy parties, with mint juleps
Definitely take something for the host- a bottle of wine is easy and always welcome. If you know them well, you can take something more specific, but make sure you label whatever you give them, even the wine (put in wine gift bag with a tag). They’ll probably get a lot of host gifts and lose track of who gave what.
Additionally, ask the host if you can bring anything for the party. Do that soon. Hosts will sometimes delegate guests to bring savory snacks/a dessert/an appetizer, etc. If they say no, don’t take anything (except the host’s gift).
No need to bring your own alcohol unless the host asked you to. We usually assume there will be alcohol there.
Do. Not. Arrive. Early. I despise these types of guests. Hosts are setting up/getting ready, it’s annoying. You don’t want to be too late either. Aim to arrive 15 mins after the specified time. More than 30 mins late is too late/a bit rude.
There is a universal rule of party throwing that states that the first guests to arrive will be a) the people the hosts know the least and b) socially awkward.
For a Derby party- I would ask about dress code because sometimes there is a fancy hat contest.
You can’t go wrong with a 6 pack and bag of chips.
I’m in NJ born and living in NJ. Unless specifically stated, booze is provided. I always have booze for people I invite. Bringing a bottle of wine is common as a courtesy thank you. Unless you have a specific alcohol allergy or preference, bring your own, otherwise assume common drink is provided. No gift is needed, it’s not common nor expected. Unless a dress code or theme is mentioned for the derby, dress nice but comfortable, what you might wear out to dinner. Everyone is there to have fun, don’t stress it
The race starts at 6:57 pm and only lasts 2-3 minutes. Make sure not to miss it, it’s very fun!
For derby parties, you can dress casually, or you can dress as flamboyantly as you wish. Ladies’ hats can be classically elegant or outrageously resplendent. Men often wear fedoras or bowlers. Lots of pastels, bright colors, florals, and plaids. Jewelry that feels too flashy or gaudy for most occasions is perfect for derby celebrations. You can just be comfortable or be as whimsical as you like. At the last derby party I went to, I brought two strawberry pies. My mom made a big vat of pulled chicken and took a bunch of BBQ sandwiches. Ham is usually in abundance, as well as various salads, finger foods, and desserts. It’s fine to ask the hosts if there is anything you can bring. A bottle of bourbon will likely not be frowned upon, nor will a bottle of wine or a case of beer. I’ve seen hostesses relieved and thrilled to have someone bring in a big bag of ice.
It’s a Derby party?
I don’t care who you are, but if I can’t wear a fancy hat, I ain’t going. And there better be bourbon.
Kentucky derby is a special party. There are silly hats involved.
Bring the host wine.
Ask your host
Kentucky Derby parties usually involve fancy hats for the women.
Don’t show up early. I hate it so much when people do that.
So I’m from NJ and love going to fancy themed parties. If it’s a Kentucky Derby themed, I would definitely get into the spirit of the occasion and wear a bright colored dress and hat or fascinator. Wearing these clothes will show that you’re fun, easy going, and will work as an ice breaker for the other guests. I never make more acquaintances than when I wear a hat! It’s the easiest thing to go up to a stranger and tell them their hat is awesome! I would also ask the host in advance what to bring. Chances are it will be alcohol, appetizer, or dessert. Bring something from your country, even better if it’s homemade! That will also be a great ice breaker for you! Don’t arrive too early or leave too late. Send a thank you text later on. Have fun!!
Learn how to make a mint Julep….bring the fixings…. you’ll be good.
Different regions have different ways to leave a party. In the US south, it might take up to an hour to say goodbye to your hosts, depending on the situation. In the Midwest, it’s best to follow a guide like this one: https://www.jupmode.com/blogs/news/how-pull-off-perfect-midwestern-goodbye-simple-steps?srsltid=AfmBOorPhN8DyKkBRXDz-cE5trqDLUS1KiaGKk0cLq9JRoy-qUEmCMh8
In some settings, the Irish goodbye is preferred. In that case, you simply dissappear without any notice.
Don’t need to bring your own alcohol but almost always welcome if you do bring some to share; it is never expected but will be well received if you text the host an hour before and say ‘can I pick up ice or anything on the way over’ though most will say no. No gifts needed (unless it’s a kids birthday in which case you assume bring them a gift). No dress code is almost ever enforced for American parties unless you are specifically told one, but at a derby party you’re always welcome to dress up if you want. Arrive on time or a little late unless you’re close friends or family.
I live in NJ. Customs vary from state to state, just as a heads up.
Norm is to bring a gift. This is very important. In NJ if you don’t bring a gift and you’re in your 30s, you will be viewed negatively. Not your own alcohol, that’s college-kid level. You bring enough for yourself and to share. Two six-packs of beer, two bottles of wine, things like that. That would be enough for a gift, but you can also bring a single six pack and a bouquet of flowers. You can also bring something from your country–that would be viewed as cool. Just not too little, like not a small jar of marmalade only.
Is there a sit-down dinner? If it’s a sit down dinner, then you arrive on time. Anything else, you arrive late. There are variations, but it would be safe to arrive a half hour late or so.
If you dont’ know the dress code, Dressing up is always safer–a nice polo shirt and jeans are good for a guy.
Louisvillian here if you have any Derby-specific questions.
I agree with the others, bringing a bottle of wine never hurts, sometimes people will bring a dessert, but check with the host. You could bring derby squares, or bourbon balls if you want something on-brand.
If it makes you feel better, I would ask the same questions of myself as a NJ native. I feel like house party etiquette varies wildly by region, class, age, personality of, and relationship to, the host.
I would say do not arrive on time, just a bit late. Everything else probably doesn’t matter that much. Assuming they aren’t sober, bring a nice bottle of wine, liquor, and/or some sort of baked good from a local place. For Kentucky Derby theme, bourbon would be very appropriate. That can double as a gift, which probably wouldn’t be necessary otherwise (unless you know them really well, which I assume you don’t, because then you would just be asking them these questions).
I think it’s important to realize that Americans aren’t really that strict about stuff like this, especially millennials in New Jersey. the host is probably just concerned about your enjoyment, not monitoring your faux pas. Just try not to get shitfaced until you’re certain it’s that kind of crowd.
I’d recommend bringing some simple syrup, it’s needed for the mint julep and easy to run out of at a gathering. Didn’t see any fancy brands online, but I’m sure there’s something over priced in stores that would make a nice “thanks for hosting” thing.
Def ask about the dress code. Take your overstaying queues from close friends of the host, they’ll start boxing up food and whatnot. Shoes off/on is debatable, if there’d a pile by the door you know the drill.
Bring a drink, maybe a simple host gift, and a gift for the birthday person if appropriate.
Why is everyone saying to show up late? Like seriously if you want people to come at a time just say it.
Show up 45 min-an hour after the start time
Bring a communal quantity of whatever alcohol or other beverage you think the host would enjoy.
No need to bring a gift if you’re bringing communal booze.
If there is no food there or not enough, feel free to covertly order a delivery pizza or two for everyone to enjoy at some point during the party. No one ever gets mad at that.
If they have a pet, bring a treat for the pet. This will go a long way for the host.
If you’re still there til the end, casually clean up (get empty drinks, plates, etc) before you depart
You can leave whenever you want. Just say “Bye guys! Good to see you!” if you don’t want to say goodbye to every individual person.
Otherwise, just relax! Sit back deep in the couch, put your feet up, smile and be happy to be there.
If they indulge in alcohol, at least bring a bottle of wine and/or bottle of other booze you think the host(s) will enjoy.
In the event of an actual holiday, maybe also bring a side-dish or dessert. Wouldn’t hurt to check with your host(s) first though, to see what they’re already planning.
If you’re on a texting-level relationship; before you leave home, text the host(s) to ask if they need anything, like a bag of ice that you could grab en route.
If it’s a summer holiday, grab a bag of ice just in case.
When you get to the party, just be cool.
Unrelated but welcome to Jersey!
Unless you are going to a sit-down dinner party, the rule is to be “fashionably late.” I don’t show up until 30-90 minutes until after the party starts (the time on the invitation).
Please don’t arrive early
It’s perfectly ok to ask the host, “What can we bring. ” that gives you a chance to maybe bring something that 20 other people aren’t also bringing. And if they say, “Nothing” still bring something anyway. (That’s the way my mom raised me!) Some bourbon would be appropriate for the Kentucky Derby.
Arrive on time.
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Bring the beer and you’re probably good.
As someone who hosts a lot of parties, absolutely do bring a gift for the host! A bottle of wine, a bouquet of flowers, hell even a bottle of nice hand soap shows your gratitude and curries favor.
Typically I set out a bar with booze, mixers, and drinks for kids and have coolers of ice on hand, but my beer drinking guests bring their own beer. Ask your host here what their preference is – they will tell you.
Bring the host a bottle of bourbon or a flower bouquet or even better, a live mint plant so they can make mint juleps in the future.
Americans can be poor with manners to make sure you are introduced to the group, so don’t be shy about introducing yourself.
I agree with other posters to arrive about 15-20 minutes after the start time.
Party Rule #1. Ask before you start smoking meth inside. Smoking meth outside is always ok.
Party Rule #2. Bring enough meth to share with everyone
Don’t show up early. Ask if there’s activities planned and if the host wants everyone there when it starts or come when you can (everyone is different about this rule).
Lovely to bring enough alcohol to share, even if you aren’t asked.
If you bring a gift, make it a nice bottle of wine that you put away or mark specifically for hosts, a scented candle, or some flowers are always sweet. If you do bring flowers stop at the dollar tree and grab a vase or container, or buy them with one. Not every one has flower vases just sitting around, or have more than one or two that’s already in use.
If you aren’t sure about what to get them as a gift bring food. Show up with something Derby themed, either savory or some desserts. Just make sure it’s enough for at least a third of the expected party size. If it’s less than 10-15 people it should always be enough to cover everyone.
Keep in mind dinner parties, themed parties and house parties are all different kinds, and seriously so many people have their own preferences that the best person to give you the inside scoop on this is gonna be your host, not the Internet. Ask them questions to better help you navigate, they should have no issues communicating what their vision for the event looks like.
American households are also split on shoes inside, so if you’re someone who has stinky shoes I’d ask ahead of time so you can plan which shoes you’ll only be wearing to get there, not have on once inside. May want to bring socks even if you don’t wear them with your shoes because some homes can be chilly to certain people depending on what the air conditioner is set to.
Have fun at your party, OP!
Our parties are always byob. We hosted a derby party last year with a camp fire later on. We did have mint juleps for everyone that wanted one. I’d ask the host about food. Sometimes it’s bring a dish to pass if we are starting around dinner time. No one will ever complain if you bring snacks to share.
Bring a little cash if you’re interested in betting. Every Kentucky Derby party I’ve been to involved a small bit of friendly betting. Like $10 or something to pick the winning horse.
I’m usually not into betting, but it’s really fun with the Kentucky Derby race.
Varies wildly by household
Imo, the best thing to do is just ask the host, or if you don’t know them, hopefully someone you know does and they can ask.
Older folks, I think, are accustomed to people bringing anything. Wine, a snack, beer, flowers.
Usually, if I would like guests to bring something I advertise it as a “potluck”, which is a common term here for this situation. Some people have rules about what to bring or do sign-up sheets. Not me. If we have 12 pans of potato salad, so be it. My backyard parties I usually provide the meats and some sides so that there is enough for a decent meal even if no one brings anything, but ask folks to bring a snack, side or dessert, and that it can be store bought or homemade, whatever is easy. I’m not o e to make anything stressful for anyone. If someone doesn’t have anything, that’s fine too. Whatever.
But literally every host is different and I don’t think anyone would be offended if you asked.
Do not get excessively drunk. Don’t arrive early. Bringing flowers or a bottle of wine or a loaf of good homemade or bakery bread is a nice touch but isn’t mandatory.
It’s nice to bring a bottle of alcohol and let the host decide whether to keep it or open it during the party.
For a derby themed party I’d imagine they’re already making cocktails. Mint juleps or something like that.
On derby day at many parties you’d fit in with luncheon formal and an audacious hat. But check in to make sure.
I am chronically punctual, so I ask my friends to please tell me exactly what time I should arrive. Like if they’re telling everyone noon but actually want people to show up at one I need to know that. I usually frame it like I’m the weird one even though I think it’s weird to intentionally tell people the wrong time to be somewhere 🤷🏼♀️. I’ve shown up at the time I’m invited and run into friends just getting out of the shower.
On Derby day though, assuming you’ll be watching and maybe betting get there before the race starts.
Bring some Pepsi.
If you are female Kentucky Derby requires a fabulous hat. Think British royal wedding
Arrive ten minutes after the start of the party. Bring a bottle of wine as a hosting gift but don’t expect that it will be opened at the party – it’s an odd phenomenon, just go with it. Ask the host ahead of time if you can bring anything and if they accept, bring what they ask for. Sometimes the offer of bringing a bag of ice (a 10-20 lb bag, from the grocery store or from a gas station) is greatly appreciated. If you have a shared from your home country that’s enjoyed in parties, they might appreciate it if you bring that. Oh – and if you bring something to share, bring it in/on a disposable platter/bowl or one you don’t care about getting back.
This varies pretty wildly by party type. If I held a derby party as a 37 year old I’d expect most people to not show up right at the start (start time is general). I would provide alcohol but often my friends will bring over beer to contribute that I’ll keep. Or if it’s a nicer party a bottle of wine as a hostess gift is always nice.
But I can think of other sorts of parties too, so just ask your buddy to be square with you. Look up Kentucky derby attire and have fun with it. Pastels, brightly colored semi-formal clothes, pastel bowties and neckties, all in southern style, etc
I just want to add to what others have said, if you have some kind of dietary restriction, you should bring a food that you yourself are able to eat. if you are vegan, gluten free, dairy free, only eat fish, are allergic to seafood, don’t eat pork, or don’t drink alcohol, or can’t have salt..bring something that you can have. It’s a minefield these days trying to host and accommodate everyone’s dietary restrictions.
Something else that could be thoughtful, you said you are from somewhere in Europe; you could bring an appetizer or some food that is specific to where you’re from
The big two I would suggest is:
Do not arrive early
Bring a bottle of liquor or a case of beer with the intent of sharing
Regarding small talk: It’s generally fine to talk to both men and women. If you’re talking to a couple, direct the conversation to both people. I once heard the acronym FORD for appropriate small talk topics:
Family – ask if they’re originally from the area, if they mention a sibling you can ask if they’re from a big family, if they mention a kid or a pet you can ask about them, if they’re married it’s okay to ask how they met or how long they’ve been together (Note: it’s usually considered inappropriate to ask someone if they’re trying to have children since a lot of people have fertility issues)
Occupation (job) – “What do you do?” is usually a safe way to figure out if someone works, is in school, stay-at-home parent, unemployed/retired, etc. It’s very possible you will meet someone affected by layoffs or new government policies. I’d recommend you be empathetic but try to avoid getting too into politics, as it can quickly change the tone of the party.
Recreation (hobbies) – “What do you do for fun?” “What are your favorite restaurants around here?” “Do you know of any good local places to [insert hobby]?” Most people our age stream a lot of TV/movies, so be prepared to hear a long list of media you’ve never seen or heard of haha.
Dreams (goals) – do they have fun plans for the year, are they interested in traveling somewhere, do they have any work/education goals?
I’m sure some people will be very curious about where you’re from, why you’re in the US, and what you like/don’t like so far. (It’s okay to be honest, but I would try to stay overall light-hearted/positive if possible to avoid insulting anyone.) I also think a question like, “Hey, I’m new to the US, can you explain what the derby is all about?” is a great conversation starter and also makes people more understanding/supportive if you accidentally say or do something awkward.
I read through all the answers other people wrote, and it’s clear (probably confusing for you) that etiquette is so different depending on the friend group! I’d recommend asking the host about dress code and what you can bring. I would be really excited if someone brought a snack/drink from their home country to share, and it would be another great conversation starter.
If I’m going to someone’s house for the first time, I’ll ask them if they want shoes on or off (everyone has different preferences). The house might get warm because of all the people, or freezing cold because the host is blasting their air conditioner. So bringing a layer like a jacket is a good idea if you’re very temperature sensitive.
Do you know anyone else going? You could ask them what time they’re going or ask if they want to carpool. Walking in with someone else always makes me feel a little more comfortable. And that way too, if I happen to be one of the first ones there, the host doesn’t feel like they have to entertain me as they continue getting ready. When I host for my friend group of 30-somethings, I usually have 1-2 people who arrive right on time, most will show up 10-15 minutes late, and 1 friend is usually just getting into the shower at the start time so will arrive like an hour late.
If you do start feeling awkward, you could always offer to help the host with cleanup or other tasks. My husband has a small social battery, so when he needs a little break, he’ll start asking people if they’re done with their empty plates and take them to the kitchen to wash dishes for a bit. The host will probably tell you not to worry about it since you’re a guest, but it’s always appreciated.
Have fun!
Curtsy toward the east as you enter the home (toward the south for homes in New York though)
Chuckling about alcohol. My very well-to-do boss served classy, sophisticated, expensive wine, at her frequent parties. I like a certain inexpensive White Zinfindale and definitely took several bottles. Right away I was asked if I was sharing? Absolutely! My boss and I really got a chuckle out of the varied tastes and we all felt comfortable and had fun!