I recently realised that my expectation for “good behaviour” for kids at different age marks is based on growing up around kids that were all mostly smacked and had very strict rules. I know I’m still dealing with issues from being overly repressed as a kid.
The kids that were not smacked were out of control. They normally had parents who were smacked and decided not to do that with their kids but didn’t have the example of how to raise kids without smacking.
I want to raise my kids without smacking if possible.
What age should you be able to tell a kid not to do something and have them listen and not do it?
Any tips or tricks for getting kids to listen for the really dangerous things like not leaving the house alone?
I am worried because kids in my family grow fast. My nephews and little cousins are the tallest in their class by far and are very fast. At 2 my niece could reach the front door lock and handle.
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No advice but Following
I have never once even thought about hitting my kids. And never had any major discipline problems with them. When they’re really little, most of the time redirection works better than any punishments, and once they’re old enough to have conversations, just make them a part of the conversation about their own behavior and help them make good choices.
A kid who obeys out of fear because they get “smacked” isn’t learning anything real about how to choose good behavior, or how to treat other people.
I recommend books such as “No Drama Discipline” and “Tiny Human, Big Emotion”. These are written by very qualified authors who have helped countless parents discipline and connect with their children without physical punishment. It won’t solve all your problems and sometimes you might still feel helpless (because all parents do at times), but those resources are a huge help. For context I teach kindergarten and I also have two toddlers.
Very interested in this. We don’t hit and I’m SUPER consistent with my son and consequences. I also do positive reinforcement. Still, he just has no fear of adults. It’s honestly wild how disrespectful he can be.
He seems to hate losing privileges and getting time outs or grounded, but when he’s being defiant or he’s angry he simply doesn’t care about those consequences. I can’t help but thinking that capital punishment might get through his thick skull, but I’m unwilling to go there. It’s actually causing problems with my wife.
She wants me to be that disciplinarian. I don’t want that to be my relationship with my son. But instead I’m really starting to resent him. I find his behavior to be totally out of keeping with how well he’s treated and it’s pissing me the hell off.
My daughter is an angel so we’re not terrible parents writ large BTW, just in case that’s what you’re thinking.
The main things are going to be consistency and action.
If you set a rule, consistently enforce it.
When you say no or stop, don’t keep repeating yourself. Get up and take control of the situation if they don’t stop. You’ll have to do this more while they are really young, and it doesn’t have to be mean. Just make sure you follow through.
Smacking kids uses fear to control. It’s an unnatural consequence (in the sense that a natural consequence means a natural outcome of poor behaviour, eg if you are unkind to people then they will not want to be your friend) and frankly it’s lazy parenting, on top of, of course, being wrong. Besides a caregiver harming the child they’re supposed to keep safe, it just teaches a kid to behave as long as there is an external enforcer to hand out consequences when things are done wrong. When the external enforcer is not present, what will encourage the child to do the right thing?
The goal is to remove the locus of morality from the external enforcer and put it inside the child, by teaching them and showing them how to be a considerate, polite, helpful, confident, all the things you want your child to be. This often requires the child understand logic and reasoning, so alongside this you show you are a sturdy confident family leader. When you say something will happen, it happens. If child kicks you once, you tell them it hurts and you didn’t like it and if it happens again you are going home even before the movie starts. If child tests you, then what you said would happen simply happens. This is still relying on the external enforcer as the locus of morality, but you would also alongside this teach through a variety of ways that we don’t kick people. Reinforce this message when child gets kicked by someone else, encourage empathetic reflection when you watch a show depicting someone getting kicked, etc. Your child learns through a variety of avenues, both concrete and abstract, and all non-violent, that kicking others is wrong and not acceptable.
My son 2.5 has never been smacked or even yelled at. And hes the sweetest most gentle polite kid. He says please, thank you, cares for others, listens (within limits hes still a toddler) , behaves at stores/resturants , understands things through conversation
As far as a two year old reaching lock and handle as you mentioned , there are up high locks you can install so even if they do they still cant open it because its locked up top. Toddlers realistically get into everything so thats where baby proofing measures come in
More on that topic babyproof where you can but for things that happen like say for spills, or things that can be corrected i believe in natural consequences clean up, wont play with you if youre not being nice, taking away a toy in the moment if hes being unsafe. Things like that. Where if you smacked for any of those things would be more likely that they’d hide this behavior in fear of getting hit rather than correcting it in the future
Read the How To Talk series of books