I’m 34 and I haven’t been in a relationship since I was 17. I feel really left behind and I’m really sick of the clichés of “just work on yourself” “you can’t love anyone until you love yourself.” Or the real corny “ have you tried dating apps or joining a club?” (What kind of club are we talking about). Or the really famous “the right guy will come around eventually, don’t give up.” I’ve been really (very) single for a really really long time and I’m not looking for encouragement, but mostly what are the good things I’m missing out on? What are the good things about relationships? What are somethings that (actually) prepare you for a relationship? Etc. because I truly think a lot of these things people say to people that have been single for a long time isn’t true.
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Yeh, I think that people kind of don’t really know what to say to single people. And then if they get in a relationship, it’s “when are you getting married?” and then”when are you having a baby?” because that’s what people know.
I think that whether you’re in a relationship or not, the main life skills are the same, like how to get along with other people or manage conflict.
I’m sorry to say it, but relationships break up and half the people in a lifelong relationship will be widowed at some point, because that’s what happens in life. So I think everyone needs life skills outside of being in a romantic relationship.
Most men are professional actors. Once you find one that isn’t putting on a performance, don’t let him get away.
Actions >>>>>> words.
“It seems like he’s playing games, but he said…”
People say all kinds of things. Watch the actions and trust your gut.
Most men these days look at porn, and a good number are addicted to it. If you have a problem with porn, you will probably have a hard time finding someone who doesn’t watch it. And because porn has warped guys’ expectations, a lot of them these days expect things like anal and deep throating and want to cum on your face.
I got lucky I found someone who doesn’t look at porn and doesn’t want me to do anything I don’t want to do. I’ll never leave him because I’ll probably never find another one like him.
>“you can’t love anyone until you love yourself.”
This is very true. Until you are healthy and your self esteem is intact, dating invites a lot of opportunities for you to accept bad treatment because you believe you deserve it or you don’t believe you could ever date again, or both. It never meant you can’t feel love until you love yourself.
What I’m gonna say is that dating is optional, and it’s not “morally right” to “work through it” with someone who’s trash. A lot of people pat themselves on the back for “not giving up” and then when their bad relationships end and they’re severely mentally impacted, they always come out of it saying they should have left years earlier. “Work on your problems” is good advice if you’re with someone who also wants to work on them. It’s really, really bad advice when you’re with someone who has no interest in changing and no respect for you as an individual with needs that matter.
a lot of dating is a numbers game, and even more of that is plain dumb luck. Try to roll with it.
if you’re curious about polymory, don’t try to open up a monogamous relationship, start with one that’s already open.
Choose a partner you don’t feel like you have to mother. look up the pdf (why does he do that) and the burden of emotional labor in a relationship.
Balance the above with knowing no one is perfect, we all have days where we suck, Choose your suck.
33F here & my biggest learning lesson has been to live my life how I want to live it & that will allow me to attract people and opportunities to better my life’s journey. This can be applied to dating, new friendships, or just new things in life. This has worked for me, anyways. I made room for things that were important to ME and I started therapy which helped me to self reflect on things I wanted/didn’t want and would tolerate/wouldn’t tolerate (again, not just with dating, but in general).
I literally used to want to punch anyone and everyone who used to tell me the same cliches when I was single. Or the, “you’re such a good person. Why don’t you have a boyfriend?”…like, barf. In terms of dating, tho, I wouldn’t take any modern dating advice from anyone who hasn’t been single for more than 5 years. The dating landscape is SO different year to year. The dating apps are exhausting and feel like a parttime job on their own. But, unfortunately, the only way out is through. I met my bf on Hinge, but I had been on a number of horrific dates before my date with him.
In terms of the good things: I believe the longer you are single, the easier it is to carve out the relationship you want/you’re more aware of what you want. I feel fortunate that I am in a healthy and communicative relationship. And I know I wouldn’t have been able to have a relationship like this in my 20s. I also have a partner who wants to explore the world with me and shares similar values. However, I really went through the gauntlet to get here, but I think every date or failed relationship is a stepping stone to what you can ultimately want. Which also means I’m not going to settle.
If a LTR is truly what you desire, just keep trying! BUT make sure you’re living the life YOU want to live so that way someone can add to the fullness you’re already experiencing 🙂
Know yourself and what you want out of dating.
If you’re dating to enter a serious relationship and/or have children, be direct about that. If you just want to have fun, be direct about that. Drop any potential partner who isn’t on the same page about your goals and timeline—pay attention to what they do not just what they say. Few people are true villains but don’t waste your time and anger/resentment over a mismatch in goals and needs.
Sex (if you want it) should be fun and fulfilling.
You’re no longer teenagers. There is no excuse for your partner to ignore women’s sexual pleasure and not work through challenges. There is no excuse for not communicating about one’s needs, preferences, and issues. If you feel unsatisfied, ignored, disrespected, etc. love yourself enough to communicate that, figure things out, and, if needed, get out.
Your dating history and experience does not define you—don’t compare yourself to others, always prioritize you, and have fun even outside of dating.
Your 30s will be filled with people who have it together and others who are a total mess when it comes to relationships, whether they’re single, married, divorced, etc. Dating in today’s market is a lot harder in certain ways so you need to decide if that’s something you want to prioritize with your time and then start putting in the work. But also respect yourself enough to know when it’s taking a toll on you and don’t center your sense of self on dating “success.” Your life might never look like those couples you admire. Focus on yourself, respect yourself, and keep it moving.
That no relationship is ever perfect and we all just have to choose what works for US.
My only thought is that everyone is different and what works for some does not work for the other. All advice is not good advice. People have given me advice or they have prejudged me so I have to really use wisdom. Also I learned to not compare my journey with others too much and that is how I been preparing myself. We are all so different. I know some people are struggling married, single or in a relationship so I try to be careful when they tell me things. I just focus on my Now and try my best to stay hopeful in these chaotic times.
The longer the time you wait before you have sex with this man, the sooner it will reveal his real intentions with you, how much he values yourself for real.
I would suggest (for myself and Im 29) at least 3 months
Pay more attention to what someone does than what they say.
If you fall for an addict, you have to know that you will never be the most important relationship in their life. For an addict, their primary relationship is with their addiction. It doesn’t matter if it’s alcohol, drugs, sex, gambling – the addict will do whatever they need to do to fuel their addiction. They will lie, cheat, steal, manipulate, gaslight anyone to get their fix. Often all of this behavior is directed towards their partner, and their partner is so in love with them and wants them to be happy, so they comply… and comply and comply, to their own detriment.
If you meet someone and you think you might be a good match, take your time getting to know them. Addicts are often master manipulators and can hide their true selves until you’ve completely fallen for them. It’s one thing to date wildly inappropriate people when you’re 20 and up for anything, but once you’re seriously thinking about a future with someone, you need to keep both eyes wide open.
See how he treats other people. That’s how he will eventually treat you. See how he talks about other people, especially exes. That’s how he will talk about you.
Don’t go on a second date with someone who asks you fewer than 3 questions about yourself on the entire first date. Life’s too short to spend time with people who have no interest in you.
If he says he’s not ready for a relationship/commitment there’s absolutely nothing you can do to change his mind and it usually means he’s not attracted to you enough to want that with you. He’ll turn around and commit to another woman soon after. Some men will lie about wanting a relationship so they could bed you and get girlfriend benefits until they’re bored.
You need to go through some everyday “hard times” with a person before you get married or fully commit. Take a long and tiring road trip. Build a piece of furniture. Babysit a toddler. Help each other while sick. Watch what he does during these moments and ask yourself, “If the rest of my life was like this, would I want him to be here?”