You’re like a cloud. When you disappear, it’s a beautiful day! That stings but it’s so clever. It’s just one of those insults that hits hard but you can’t help but laugh at how savage it is.
I have one I made up let’s see what yall think of it. I’ve said it once to a male coworker and it shut him up pretty quick.
Have the doctors ever figured out how you got testicular cancer in your throat?
Once me and my buddies we dancing at a party, someone took my phone and recorded it, and sent it to a lady I was talking to.. got the reply “kill it before it lays eggs”
“Every time you open your mouth, the collective IQ of everyone in this room drops.” I said that in class back in school and even the teacher laughed at poor Becky.
So this is one i said to my former boss who called me in for an important project.
My boss “hey can you come in? I have a important project for you “
Me “sure, whats the project?”
Boss “i’ll fill you in on the details when your here, i have a meeting soon”
Me “ok sounds good, be there in 5 mins” (i live really close to work)
Anyhow i get there my boss tells me that she cant plug in a USB……
I look her in the eye and said “-bosses name- you seriously called me in to plug in a USB? “
Boss says “i tried to put it in but it wont work! Believe me i tried!”
I said ” -bosses name- you are the only person on this planet that can plug a USB in wrong 2 times”
Normally when people plug in a usb wrong they flip it to plug it in, my former boss never thought about that….. the shit i deal with in IT…. thats not the worst but definitely one of my favorites to tell lol
My great niece and I have always had difficulties. She absolutely never liked me. I also wasn’t particularly fond of her because she was allowed to live the life of a princess. My family is absolutely working class and no generation in it has ever had such a swelled head they automatically felt that they were automatically better than other people. This little girl always insisted she was like a princess. It was horrible that when I was in my fifties I couldn’t stand being the same room with her. I know that sounds Petty, but it’s really hard to feel warmly about people that have contempt for everyone around them.
Anyway one day when she was about 6 or 7 she looked at me and asked “why are you wearing clown shoes.” I looked down at my feet and realized she was absolutely correct…. I was wearing clown shoes. I always had a job where I was on my feet all day and my favorite pair of shoes were Boston Brand that looked like the old fashioned black cop shoes. I had a wide foot and always kept those shoes shines so I certainly did look like I was wearing clown shoes. When I looked up at my grand niece’s face I saw the contemptuous smirk and unbelievably realized she knew what she was saying and doing.
On a side note she is on her third marriage and took her first two husbands to the cleaners in divorce and owns two near mansions and beach house. He’s not even 30 and still has time to ruin another husband or two. Still can’t stand her.
I used to work at a steakhouse and we had this raging bitch of a manager. She was also severly cross-eyed. She was yelling at the new guy (it was like his 3rd day) in front of everyone and he just stood there silently. When she finally stopped yelling he looked over his shoulder and said “Oh, were you talking to me?”
Someone here on reddit years ago in a similar thread mentioned a guy bursting into a local pub and yelling about a guys girlfriend saying she “can eat an apple out of a letterbox” referring to her terrible buck teeth.
While in the middle of a heated argument, grab some type of plant/flower and put it into their hands. While they’re looking confused, tell them you wanted to make use of the oxygen they were wasting.
I remember being a kid maybe 8/9 years old and was out with my dad and a man barged into a rather large lady on the street, an argument started between the pair of them and the woman said “ Excuse me but you just barged into me”
man replied “ yeah well you’re fat your taking up the whole pavement”
Woman “ I think you are fatist “
Man “ Nah luv I think you’re the fattest”
That was almost 30 years ago and I still remember it like it was yesterday I was chuckling for hours and ended up getting shouted at by my dad for laughing all the time
A few years ago me and my mum were arguing about something stupid and as she was yelling at me, she couldn’t think of a proper insult in the moment and said “oh you stinky bug!”. She paused and we stared at each other before laughing. She’s now Stinky bug in my contacts.
My physics teacher was extremely pissed off because we had not done well in exams. He was scolding us and in between he added “I don’t want you to roll on the roads”. You can’t contain laughter when he says something like this when everyone is serious
I was about 40yrs old 5’1” male.. I was giving my 72 year old, 350lb, 6’4” co-worker a jab asking where he finds depends in Sasquatch sizes.
He quickly turned and said “Can you guys believe this? This from a guy who looks like he’s always standing in a hole!”
I still laugh 10 years later.
Comments
The best part of you ran down your mothers leg
“That’s why your parents change the subject when people ask about you.”
Careful, your last 2 brain cells are fighting for third place.
I’d tell you, but I doubt you’d understand it.
I have neither the time nor the crayons to explain this to you.
When you were circumcised the big part got thrown away.
You were born that ugly?
“If you were the prize at the end of a race I’d run backwards!”
I always wanted someone like you, but not you.
Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries!
“That’s the stupidest thing I ever heard coming from someone not wearing a red hat!”
“Well, the jerk store called. They’re running outta you.”
I read this on another reddit thread a long time ago:
A girl was picking on a boy in class, and the teacher said to her:
“Be nice, he could end up being your boss someday”
The boy replies: “No, I’m not going to be a pimp”
you’re proof that evolution takes a wrong turn sometimes
From Zach Star on YouTube: “Jesus Christ did not die for our sins so you could walk around smelling like Chanelle’s Yeast Infection Number Five.”
Just the other day here on Reddit: “I have neither the time nor the crayons to explain it to you”
You’re about as sharp as a cue ball
If my dog had a face like yours, I would shave it’s ass and teach it to walk backwards.
“If brains were dynamite you wouldn’t have enough to blow your fucking hat off”
“You’re thicker than a Boxing Day turd”
A hobo told me once “Fick the guy that made you, he should have jerked you out”
Shut up egglands best…(Said to a bully who shaved his head)
I wouldn’t suck your cock if I were suffocating and there was oxygen in your balls
-John Waters dialog-
You semen colored Creighton
he fell out of the stupid tree and hit his head on every branch on the way down
The Dick Sucking Factory made a report… (Tips fedora) Your mother was an accident.
I expected nothing from you, and yet I’m still disappointed.
You’re winning the race against common sense.
You are about to exceed the limits of my medication.
I have to give credit where credit is due, you are using an impressive amount of words to say nothing.
• “God doesn’t make stupid people…”
• “Oh thank…”
• “… so I’m not sure how you came to be”
I’m not even religious but this one got me
If ordered a truckload of idiots and all I got was you, I’d still feel like I got my moneys worth.
You’re like a cloud. When you disappear, it’s a beautiful day! That stings but it’s so clever. It’s just one of those insults that hits hard but you can’t help but laugh at how savage it is.
Your mama’s so fat the National Weather Service gives a name to each one of her farts.
I’ll fuck your dad and give him a kid he’ll actually love.
“You are such a fake-dick. If you were a Hobbit, your name would be Dildo Baggins.”
Me, to a coworker in an insult contest several years ago.
Common sense was chasing you, but you were faster.
Sometimes evolution slams on the brakes. And here you are.
Damn brother, you look like you eat corn the long way.
I want you to use your misplaced acorn of a brain before the squirrel comes looking for it – Locke Lemora
Most of Gordon ramseys. “You waffle”
If a blind person touched your face, they could read a story!
(I had a lot of acne)
I have one I made up let’s see what yall think of it. I’ve said it once to a male coworker and it shut him up pretty quick.
Have the doctors ever figured out how you got testicular cancer in your throat?
You look easy to draw
“You claim to be a people pleaser? Name one person who is pleased with you.”
Whenever my husband sees someone get scared he says “That guys shaking like a queer trying to eat a hotdog”
Today we find out if I’m your father, or the German Shepard
Veep. Just. All of Veep
BetweeN two coworkers, after one of them had made a comment about having sex with their mom.
“Hey man, thats not cool, my mom’s dead.”
“Oh my God, im so sorry.. i had no idea I fucked her that hard.”
If i ordered a semi trailer full of dumb fucks, opened it up and found only you, I’d have gotten my money’s worth.
“You’ve got a lead paint stare”
“Talk about a girl that took a nose dive from the ugly tree and hit just about every branch coming down.”
– Saving Private Ryan
“You cock-juggling thunder cunt!”
Mary to Sean:
‘You’ve a face like a pair of tits’
Sean response to Mary
‘Well, at least that’s one pair between us’
When Bosie’s scandalised father gave Wilde a bowl of rotten vegetables, Oscar said ‘every time I look at them I shall think of you’
They must get a tax break to keep you employed.
Window licker.
And of course special mentions…
A thought of yours would die of loneliness
You’ve a face like a bulldog licking piss off a nettle
The bar was set pretty low with this. Then you came in a brought a shovel.
“If you want my comeback, you’ll have to scrape it off your mom’s teeth.”
I saw this one a while back.
I’m going to fuck your dad, marry your dad, divorce your dad and then claim custody of you in the divorce.
You’re about as useless as Anne Frank’s drum kit.
” I would rather suck the c1it of the queen of England, than go out with you.”
I envy everyone who’s never met you.
He fell out of the stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down
Tied with
He could fall into a vat full of tits and come out sucking his thumb
You are a cock-womble!
If brains were dynamite, you wouldn’t have enough to blow your hat off on a windy day!
Some time ago i heard someone calling another person an “spherical jackass” because they were an idiot no matter the angle from where you saw them.
“wrong answer dick dancer”
It looks just like a penis, but much smaller
Your teeth look like they’re throwing gang signs 🖖
This one was racist but I still found it funny he said “I can hear the jungle in your voice”
“You’re not pretty enough to be this stupid”.
I appreciate it now for being the devastating roast that it is but at 17 during my 2nd week waiting tables it made me cry so hard I got sent home.
I envy the people who haven’t met you yet.
You are the worst possible result of an orgasm
I would agree with you but then we’d both be wrong
The best part of you ran down your father’s leg
Yo mama’s so fat Thanos had to snap twice
Cartman – Fat Tits
Somebody recently said I looked like something out a Doctor Seuss book
“Did it hurt when you fell from the asshole into the toilet you piece of shit?”
Have the day you deserve, doesn’t sound like an insult but it was and I was crying laughing
It’s a tie for me:
“You suck your mother’s dick with that mouth?”
And, “I wouldn’t fuck you with someone else’s dick.”
—and if they fire back with something about not being able to get a piece of them anyway: “That’s the point.”
Anyway, yeah. Those are killers to me.
Once me and my buddies we dancing at a party, someone took my phone and recorded it, and sent it to a lady I was talking to.. got the reply “kill it before it lays eggs”
Chinese emperor dong Zhou was reportedly so fat and oily he burned for three days straight. I wonder how long you would burn for?
For a person? “You’re the reason why someone made the saws to cut things off dicks”
For an entity? “I’ve taken a shit that lasted longer than the Confederacy dude”
Your wife’s so ugly her blowjobs count as anal.
Two from where I grew up, used in a context where “get the fuck out of here” would be common.
“Go home and tell your mother she loves you.”
“You better get home quick, your mother has ice cream in the oven for you.”
You’re about as useful as Anne Frank’s drum set. Thanks Reddit!
You look easy to draw.
You look easy to draw.
I can explain it for you. However, I can’t understand it for you.
Your 2 brain cells are competing for 3rd place
The only taste you have is in your mouth
Intelligence is chasing her but she is faster
– How tall are you ?
-5″9
-I didn’t know they stack shit this high
(Full Metal Jacket)
“Every time you open your mouth, the collective IQ of everyone in this room drops.” I said that in class back in school and even the teacher laughed at poor Becky.
You must have been conceived rectally.
He blows sailors for nickels and gives change.
So this is one i said to my former boss who called me in for an important project.
My boss “hey can you come in? I have a important project for you “
Me “sure, whats the project?”
Boss “i’ll fill you in on the details when your here, i have a meeting soon”
Me “ok sounds good, be there in 5 mins” (i live really close to work)
Anyhow i get there my boss tells me that she cant plug in a USB……
I look her in the eye and said “-bosses name- you seriously called me in to plug in a USB? “
Boss says “i tried to put it in but it wont work! Believe me i tried!”
I said ” -bosses name- you are the only person on this planet that can plug a USB in wrong 2 times”
Normally when people plug in a usb wrong they flip it to plug it in, my former boss never thought about that….. the shit i deal with in IT…. thats not the worst but definitely one of my favorites to tell lol
Your one load your mom should have swallowed.
You can’t fix stupid, but you can numb it with a 2×4.
My electrician friend once figured a problem and said “See? I’m smarter than I look!” I replied, “Well, you’d HAVE to be!”
“Wisdom has been chasing you, but you have always been faster.”
A bisexual man telling a straight man “I’ll fuck you & your wife” 😂😂😂
If you gave him an enema you could bury him in a matchbox
You sir are a puss filled cum bubble, riding the red tides of a vaginal blood fart.
Twice
Anything Scottish. They come up with the best insults!
My great niece and I have always had difficulties. She absolutely never liked me. I also wasn’t particularly fond of her because she was allowed to live the life of a princess. My family is absolutely working class and no generation in it has ever had such a swelled head they automatically felt that they were automatically better than other people. This little girl always insisted she was like a princess. It was horrible that when I was in my fifties I couldn’t stand being the same room with her. I know that sounds Petty, but it’s really hard to feel warmly about people that have contempt for everyone around them.
Anyway one day when she was about 6 or 7 she looked at me and asked “why are you wearing clown shoes.” I looked down at my feet and realized she was absolutely correct…. I was wearing clown shoes. I always had a job where I was on my feet all day and my favorite pair of shoes were Boston Brand that looked like the old fashioned black cop shoes. I had a wide foot and always kept those shoes shines so I certainly did look like I was wearing clown shoes. When I looked up at my grand niece’s face I saw the contemptuous smirk and unbelievably realized she knew what she was saying and doing.
On a side note she is on her third marriage and took her first two husbands to the cleaners in divorce and owns two near mansions and beach house. He’s not even 30 and still has time to ruin another husband or two. Still can’t stand her.
“If that girl had as many dicks coming out of her as she going in, she’d look like a porcupine.” From an 80 year old woman about her grand niece.
OP, you smell like a roll of reposts.
“You have a lot of Teeth for a smart cunt”
New Zealand is a beautiful place
I made this one myself, but I call stupid people perpendicular pepsi cans
“Well, that’s an interesting use of free will”
If someone flips you off, tell them to put their shower toy away
You look like you were lit on fire and put out with a chain. Best directed at yo mama hehehe
can’t even carry a tune in a bucket
“I’ve been called worse things by better people.”
You seem like the type of person whos dog wags their tail when you leave
You’re lying, but I’ll buy it for a dollar 💵 go on… Explain.
If you keep trying, you might get to the top of the bell curve
I once called a very offensive woman a cock-juggling thundercunt
Just because you have a head like a sparkplug doesn’t mean you’re a CHAMPION!
The best part of you ran down the crack of your mom’s ass and ended up a stain on the backseat of a beat up Ford…
I used to work at a steakhouse and we had this raging bitch of a manager. She was also severly cross-eyed. She was yelling at the new guy (it was like his 3rd day) in front of everyone and he just stood there silently. When she finally stopped yelling he looked over his shoulder and said “Oh, were you talking to me?”
It was beautiful
Someone here on reddit years ago in a similar thread mentioned a guy bursting into a local pub and yelling about a guys girlfriend saying she “can eat an apple out of a letterbox” referring to her terrible buck teeth.
You have two brain cells and they’re both fighting for third place.
I once told a girl who was in my face her breath stinks and there was just zero come back from that lol
“He experienced a sudden rush of shit to the brain.”
“Take that fat suit off, it looks ridiculous”
That ink looks like someone ate a box of crayons and shit out a bad USMC globe and anchor tattoo
You’re about as worthwhile as a loopy flavored lollipop!
Your the type of person to trip over the cord of a wireless device.
You piece of FUCK! Why don’t you go shit yourself!
You suck dick for bus fare and then walk home.
While in the middle of a heated argument, grab some type of plant/flower and put it into their hands. While they’re looking confused, tell them you wanted to make use of the oxygen they were wasting.
I remember being a kid maybe 8/9 years old and was out with my dad and a man barged into a rather large lady on the street, an argument started between the pair of them and the woman said “ Excuse me but you just barged into me”
man replied “ yeah well you’re fat your taking up the whole pavement”
Woman “ I think you are fatist “
Man “ Nah luv I think you’re the fattest”
That was almost 30 years ago and I still remember it like it was yesterday I was chuckling for hours and ended up getting shouted at by my dad for laughing all the time
A few years ago me and my mum were arguing about something stupid and as she was yelling at me, she couldn’t think of a proper insult in the moment and said “oh you stinky bug!”. She paused and we stared at each other before laughing. She’s now Stinky bug in my contacts.
My physics teacher was extremely pissed off because we had not done well in exams. He was scolding us and in between he added “I don’t want you to roll on the roads”. You can’t contain laughter when he says something like this when everyone is serious
I was about 40yrs old 5’1” male.. I was giving my 72 year old, 350lb, 6’4” co-worker a jab asking where he finds depends in Sasquatch sizes.
He quickly turned and said “Can you guys believe this? This from a guy who looks like he’s always standing in a hole!”
I still laugh 10 years later.
you’re a boiled chicken nugget
Quiet. The adults are talking
GIRL: Your weiner is the size of a Tic Tac.
Boy: That’s why your mom’s breath smells so good
“You’re so short that if you step on dog shit you have to wash your hair.”
My girlfriend caught her husband in bed with another woman. Husband looked at wife and then under the cover and told his wife “I thought it was you!”
Two teenage boys at the skate park.
Kid 1: Ay let’s go to the mall and pick up some girls.
Kid 2: If you want pussy, just look down dawg.
I died laughing.
Mama if you put your brain on a razor blade it’d look like a BB rolling down a four lane highway Nitzinger.