So for context we have two small kids & have been together for around 8 years.
Love is hard for me, as in, I simply never experienced it from parents (narcissist) & my partner has a good heart, but does not have the capacity for many things.
For example, he would never be my cheerleader, affection is not a thing, emotional support is certainly not a thing, when talking there is no response, even in an argument, he just does not speak at all. He has admitted to me that he cant be there for me in emotional ways. He also forgets EVERYTHING and is little to no help in life generally, I believe he may have something more going on in some ways.
Its very painful for me, ive only ever experienced rejection of love and compassion/ empathy, and I have to work through any feelings or issues completely alone, which is VERY challenging.
I can’t really leave right now, but I know he cant be my person, If i want to progress as a person, and be able to be all of those things for my children, if im running loveless and empty.
Many here would have experienced similar, when did you decide you could no longer continue? Did you find that emotionally available person? How did that impact your life?
I just want to be SEEN
Comments
What exactly are you getting from this relationship?
Is this something that faded away or was he always like this?
So you’re repeating the cycle for your children. You never got it from your parents, and now your kids aren’t getting it from theirs, more specifically, their dad. You are teaching them that this is normal.
Forgetting everything is weaponized incompetence. He can easily schedule everything in a calendar and set reminders. He’s choosing not to. He also doesn’t “help” – it’s not helping with your own house, kids, and spouse. He should just DO.
You don’t have to work through your feelings or issues alone. There are professionals out there who can do that. There are also friends, if you have any, that can serve in that role to a degree, if they choose to.
You know you can’t leave now, but nothing is stopping you from starting to make a plan.
I decided after two that I could no longer continue for a number of reasons. One of them was when I grew tired, frustrated, and began resenting that I gave my all mentally, physically, emotionally, and he gave maybe 10% of that and said he thought he was giving 100%. Oof… So his 100% is a fraction of mine and what I need from a partner. That was hard to hear and made me realize that he may never get to my 100%, no matter how much work he puts into himself. I still care about him, I want the best for him, but he probably will never reach the level that I need from a partner.
Start getting things in order so you can leave asap. This is not a healthy situation for you or for your kids. Your children are constantly learning the environment around them. He’s not a good partner or a father; you’re better off being a single mother.
But to answer your question, yes, of course there are emotionally available and mature men. And when you find that person, you’ll feel so secure and safe and will never have to feel emotionally abandoned or alone in life.
Is he depressed? Sounds like he needs mental help.
But also sounds like you need to do whats best for you and part ways.
He sounds checked out. You can’t make someone care who doesn’t want to care. But you can choose what behavior you put up with, and what behavior you model for your children.
Yes, I was with mine for 8 years.
It was tough leaving him. It took everything i had.
In hindsight, I wish I had done it years earlier. But that’s very easy to say.
I met my person. I’m wildly happy now.
The trials I went through in my last relationship and the healing journey I took afterwards shaped me in ways that meant I was the perfect match for my perfect match.
I’m just sending hugs your way as I’m in a similar situation. ❤️
Why you can’t leave? You are going to regret later having spent more time with this person
If you can’t leave just yet, you need to figure out how to thrive in place, and find love and support elsewhere. To clarify, it is possible to find love, support and acceptance platonically. I have that and it’s very rich and rewarding. My life is about me and I’m estranged from my family of origin, so I have a family that I’ve created.
Volunteering has been very rewarding for me. Whether it’s working with animals, the elderly or differently abled people, I can show love and care, and I also feel appreciated while working with a lot of really nice people who are warm and compassionate.
I have experience loving emotionally unavailable men. My last ex wasn’t a bad guy, and he could be there for me…sometimes. But when it really mattered he would shut down because he was overwhelmed by feelings; mine and his own.
I left a 14-year relationship for way less.
ugh it sucks
How did yall end up together? It seems like this is a personality issue you would’ve detected way earlier on. Unless he’s willing to meet halfway, it’s very likely you won’t get what you’re needing from a partner. It may hurt initially but it’s better to be alone than to be with someone and feel alone. You’ll feel better eventually once you come to terms with this relationship not fulfilling your needs.
Have you gone to couples counseling?