What made you realize that your friends only tolerate you because they use you?
What made you realize that your friends only tolerate you because they use you?
r/AskMen
What made you realize that your friends only tolerate you because they use you?
Comments
I didn’t, I’m fortunate enough to have good friends.
Everyone crashed at our place all the time. When I put an end to that they stopped interacting with me. It was an awakening experience
Respect didn’t go both ways
I didn’t because we don’t use each other…we are all useless as well.
I ran out of money. When I was younger I fell into a bit of cash, I hosted some mad parties, shouted a lot of my friends, treated my girlfriend at the time really well. Later on I realised I was part of an abusive relationship and my girlfriend was basically extorting the money out of me. As soon as it ran out all my “friends” didn’t wanna hang any more, my gf left me and I ended up renting a single bedroom that looked like a prison cell with no one to call. Took me years to dig my way back out, I have mad trust issues with friends today, I still don’t have many because I get really funny about their motives for being my friend
I don’t have such friends because I’m not useful for much besides being good company. Also, growing up with a mother who uses and abuses everyone around her, I’m pretty sensitive to people trying to take advantage of me without giving much of anything in return. I keep away from such people before it ever comes close to anything resembling a friendship because they’ll rub me the wrong way pretty quickly usually.
When I started saying “No”
Not so much as that my real friends just tolerate me because they use me. The real ones are still there, but the fake ones arent.
Pretty simple, i grew up on a farm and we had this empty old barn that i was allowed to rebuild as a room for parties. Needless to say, i was quite popular with the people, they all wanted to come.
At some point i closed the whole thing down, and quite literally overnight i knew who my friends were and who just pretended to be on the list.
I was not surprised, i knew very well that quite a few pretend, but it was interesting to see who.
The biggest realization is that you were using them too. Superficial relationships have some benefits but you gotta know where they end
I strongly suspect that my one friend only hangs out with me because I’m the last friend he has that is single and doesn’t have kids. So if he’s available for whatever that means I am.
When we had an event and the only time they called my name was to take the group photo
when we all get together and hear them talk about events or trips they went on and asked me if I remember that. I tell them I wasn’t there and then they’d ask why and I tell them I wasn’t invited or told about it until just now.
eventually I stopped reaching out and realized they never once did, I was always the one trying to make plans with them.
it is what it is 🤷♂️
When my car was out of commission while i fixed it then they planned stuff and left me out of it. Stopped giving the losers rides after that.
Owning a pickup truck
I stopped telling them my business, suddenly they didn’t want to talk anymore.
Interesting question! I was the guy with top grades who worked hard to get a good education that led to good jobs. I was driven to escape any form of dependency on my father (not the best relationship) or anyone else. So I started having some spare money for entertainment a bit sooner than most of my friends. And I always had friends of different ages, older and younger, on a variety of career paths, or just bumbling along. We bonded over things we enjoyed doing together.
I have some friends who were true friends regardless of my financial fortunes and good humor (or bad humor). They were buddies when we all had nothing, and that didn’t change when money or mood did. I was never truly depressed, but went through some unhappy times, mostly due to financial stress. Their friendship was never dependent on what I could do for them financially or in terms of providing access to things outside their reach.
When they started making decent money themselves, they often bought my beers or insisted on picking up a check for food.
But I had some other people I thought were good friends, who may have enjoyed my company at times, but were more drawn to the fact that I had money relative to them, and shared it.
I bought tickets, or drinks, or cover charges for everyone when I was doing well financially. They were always there, ready to party, go to sports events, see concerts, whatever. It sure looked and felt like friendship. I got a lot out of it so not a total waste in any sense, and I was happy to pay more when I was the relatively better off guy. I had more fun bringing friends along than I would have solo. And I rarely liked hanging out with inheritors who had money but it came from family.
But a couple of these guys in the second group started doing well themselves, they showed their true colors by sharply turning toward new friends with even more money than they (or I) had. They also backed away anytime I was a bit down and out. They just wanted good times, preferably with me paying.
Once they started making good money, they not only didn’t think to invite me to stuff; they largely moved on to greener pastures, chasing opportunities above their station.
One friend in particular started hanging out almost exclusively with a guy who flew on private planes, had VIP access to everything, etc. It was eye-opening. He didn’t have time for me anymore, and while still friendly when our paths crossed, he almost never reached out to me. When he did, it was because he wanted something from me like advice in a field where I had answers.
When I reached out, he was unavailable, especially whenever there was a better deal to be had. The friendship faded and I’m over it.
Looking back, that was always his personality (and his MO), so it’s not like he had changed. I was just mad at myself for not recognizing it, thinking he was a life-long buddy. He was in fact an opportunist. He charmed his way into better deals than I could offer. My good fortunes never reached the private planes, back stage access level. I don’t enjoy exclusive access situations anyway, even if I could afford them. I had rather have fun in the crowd in the stands than barely see the game from an air conditioned owner’s box.
You live and learn.
There is always a song to capture a life lesson.
Derek and the Dominoes, Eric Clapton’s band that had the huge hit, Layla, also recorded this old blues song from the 1920s. It is on the Layla album. I recommend it!
Nobody Knows You When You’re Down and Out
(lyrics by Jimmy Cox)
Once, I lived the life of a millionare
Spent all my money, I just did not care
Took all my friends out for a good time
Bought bootleg whiskey, champagne and wine
Then I began to fall so low
Lost all my good friends
I did not have nowhere to go
If I get my hand on a dollar again
I’m gonna hang on to it until that evil grin yeah
‘Cause no, no, nobody knows you
When you’re down and out
In your pocket, not one penny
And as for friends, you don’t have any
When you finally get back up on your feet again
Everybody wants to be an old, long-lost friend
I said, it’s mighty strange
Nobody knows you when you’re down and out, yeah
When you finally get back up on your feet again
Everybody wants to be a good old, long-lost friend
I said, it’s mighty strange, yeah
Nobody knows you
Nobody knows you
Nobody knows you
When you’re down and out
First recorded by Bessie Smith in 1929
https://www.google.com/gasearch?q=youtube%20Derek%20and%20the%20dominoes%20nobody%20knows%20you%20when%20you%E2%80%99re%20down%20and%20out&source=sh/x/gs/m2/5#fpstate=ive&vld=cid:60f52a84,vid:EFTp5654pIw,st:0
I met up with an old friend circle from my 20s. I bought a round for everyone, one person ordered the most expensive drink in the bar because it was “free.” Not one of them got me a drink. It made me laugh because all the reasons I don’t associate with them came back. The cost of the drinks was well worth the reminder.
The friends I have now are the opposite. Someone is always sneaking off to pay the bill early.
Not just friends, family also.
I ended up becoming a human ATM.
I think this type of thinking is really dangerous and I would advise avoiding it almost always. You can reduce every human relationship to a transactional one if you want to see it that way.
I hate them. I guess they didn’t get the memo.
The one time you need a favor from them, and they can’t even be bothered to help you.
Sobriety
When they always want to hang out at your place and nowhere else
Mechanically inclined….
When I was in year 11 at school. My “friends” got drunk and it turned out the only reason they were around me was because my dad would drive us places and I would buy stuff.
It messed me up a bit.
At my county court trial…..thankfully aqutted on the grounds of self defence.
Two people I used to be “friends” with would always make fun of me… I thought it was all in good fun, I mean even now I have banter with my friends so I’m not exactly the type who minds any of that… well with those two “friends”, once I was hanging out with them and they were making fun of me as usual but then suddenly they started talking abt something serious and very exlplicitly excluded me from the conversation… I realized at that point that they didn’t exactly see me as a friend but instead as the clown lol