It was my cat. I had him through multiple periods of homelessness, an incredibly abusive marriage, several failed relationships after that, friend groups falling apart as a result of my marriage collapsing, etc.
Every night when I went to bed he’d come in, climb on my chest, and lay down for cuddles. It was how I managed to sleep.
Honestly cant even afford the rope to yank myself 😂 too poor to die unless I create a mess somewhere. I just don’t wanna traumatize anyone on my way out
I cannot bear the thought of them thinking I just left them one day and never returned.
Humans at least could do research and therapy and at least get to a point where they understand why. I don’t care about anyone’s views on dog psychology, I know my dogs and I could never do that to them.
Honestly I’m just a pussy about pain and can’t find a fast enough method that won’t hurt or have a 100% success rate within a few seconds. Fucking hate it here anymore.
Tbh most of the people afraid of pain and becoming disabled if they don’t succeed. Just see the statistics for every 1 “successful” case comes at least 10 attempts
Because I already survived the worst, so why would I give up now. There is still lots of things i didn’t try and didn’t see, lots of truly amazing people and experiences. I don’t want my trauma to define my life and the way it ends. I decided to fight for my happiness
There’s no way to do it without hurting my loved ones and too much of a risk that it would go wrong and I would become a bigger burden on my family.
I think it would also f*ck up my little boy.
To go would be selfish so I stay and fight through the mental pain and remind myself that I’ve been here on and off mentally for years and both the bad times come and go.
If I have just one person who wants me to stay I have to fight.
It’s exhausting and painful.
Whoever you are please hold on If you need that one person who doesn’t want to see you go I can be it.
I try to remember that time changes everything eventually. That’s historically undeniable, right? Things change. It may take time, but things always change.
My cat would be devastated. He gets sad even when I leave the house. He sleeps on me every night, and imagining him curling up on my body, cold after an overdose, looking for my warmth, and finding none. He licks me to wake me up every morning, and he would understand why I’m not getting up.
Because part of me still hopes there’s a version of life out there where I feel okay and I don’t want to miss it if it ever shows up. Even if it’s just small moments, like laughing with a friend or seeing a sunrise, they remind me there’s still something worth holding on for.
I had everything ready, the pillow in the bathtub, shower getting warm, this is after 4 attempts. 56 benzo’s friday nite, woke up, Saturday, still alive, no headache, no stomach ache, no nothing. Very disappointed. Sunday nite, same setup only this time, a sharp razor knife, cut both wrists, the wrong way, I found out, woke up a little later, still alive, 2nd cut, a little deeper, woke up, still alive, very little blood, 3rd cut, woke up, lots of quality vodka involved, still alive. Too tired to try again, 3rd one really hurt, went to bed. Setup 2 nites later, shower, knife etc. Decided to call an ex girlfriend in CA, with shower running, she likes to text me EVERY morning, something short and friendly, 35 yrs after we broke up, even before all this nonsense. Talked to her for about an hour, told her everything, somehow she managed to convince me to go to bed. Now, 15 months later, a few visits to shrink, I’m playing golf again, I began restoring antique trunks and old things like that, I have a 6 month old granddaughter, I’m working 15-20 hrs a week, construction, I started writing my 3 YA books again. This ex girlfriend, who might still love me and is married, 1500 miles away, saved my life. No more thoughts of the ever after. I’ll wait my turn, naturally. Hope this post doesn’t break any rules. Let the feeling pass, talk to someone, anybody, do something creative, anything. She still texts me EVERY morning, now I text her back, EVERY morning. It’s April, I have things growing outside, spring is here, I might say I’m happy again!
Comments
Well if I’m dead I don’t get to do things unless I go to heaven then maybe but still not 100% sure
Not really wanting to.
Wanting to see if there is a better way to live.
Hope that I can change, things can change, and life can be different.
My children. 4 & 5.
[removed]
Too many of my friends and family have done it and I’ve seen the aftermath they never will.
food
Alcohol, you have to make that decision sober.
At least thats the battle i deal with.
My cat literally has no idea how to pay rent. I stay alive because she would definitely try to eat drywall and die.
My mom
It was my cat. I had him through multiple periods of homelessness, an incredibly abusive marriage, several failed relationships after that, friend groups falling apart as a result of my marriage collapsing, etc.
Every night when I went to bed he’d come in, climb on my chest, and lay down for cuddles. It was how I managed to sleep.
He passed away in February.
Just the hope that everything will fall into place eventually
Honestly cant even afford the rope to yank myself 😂 too poor to die unless I create a mess somewhere. I just don’t wanna traumatize anyone on my way out
My dogs.
I cannot bear the thought of them thinking I just left them one day and never returned.
Humans at least could do research and therapy and at least get to a point where they understand why. I don’t care about anyone’s views on dog psychology, I know my dogs and I could never do that to them.
Honestly I’m just a pussy about pain and can’t find a fast enough method that won’t hurt or have a 100% success rate within a few seconds. Fucking hate it here anymore.
Tbh most of the people afraid of pain and becoming disabled if they don’t succeed. Just see the statistics for every 1 “successful” case comes at least 10 attempts
Because I already survived the worst, so why would I give up now. There is still lots of things i didn’t try and didn’t see, lots of truly amazing people and experiences. I don’t want my trauma to define my life and the way it ends. I decided to fight for my happiness
There’s no way to do it without hurting my loved ones and too much of a risk that it would go wrong and I would become a bigger burden on my family.
I think it would also f*ck up my little boy.
To go would be selfish so I stay and fight through the mental pain and remind myself that I’ve been here on and off mentally for years and both the bad times come and go.
If I have just one person who wants me to stay I have to fight.
It’s exhausting and painful.
Whoever you are please hold on If you need that one person who doesn’t want to see you go I can be it.
I try to remember that time changes everything eventually. That’s historically undeniable, right? Things change. It may take time, but things always change.
My cat would be devastated. He gets sad even when I leave the house. He sleeps on me every night, and imagining him curling up on my body, cold after an overdose, looking for my warmth, and finding none. He licks me to wake me up every morning, and he would understand why I’m not getting up.
Because part of me still hopes there’s a version of life out there where I feel okay and I don’t want to miss it if it ever shows up. Even if it’s just small moments, like laughing with a friend or seeing a sunrise, they remind me there’s still something worth holding on for.
Because deep down, I don’t really want to die, I just want the pain to stop.
I had everything ready, the pillow in the bathtub, shower getting warm, this is after 4 attempts. 56 benzo’s friday nite, woke up, Saturday, still alive, no headache, no stomach ache, no nothing. Very disappointed. Sunday nite, same setup only this time, a sharp razor knife, cut both wrists, the wrong way, I found out, woke up a little later, still alive, 2nd cut, a little deeper, woke up, still alive, very little blood, 3rd cut, woke up, lots of quality vodka involved, still alive. Too tired to try again, 3rd one really hurt, went to bed. Setup 2 nites later, shower, knife etc. Decided to call an ex girlfriend in CA, with shower running, she likes to text me EVERY morning, something short and friendly, 35 yrs after we broke up, even before all this nonsense. Talked to her for about an hour, told her everything, somehow she managed to convince me to go to bed. Now, 15 months later, a few visits to shrink, I’m playing golf again, I began restoring antique trunks and old things like that, I have a 6 month old granddaughter, I’m working 15-20 hrs a week, construction, I started writing my 3 YA books again. This ex girlfriend, who might still love me and is married, 1500 miles away, saved my life. No more thoughts of the ever after. I’ll wait my turn, naturally. Hope this post doesn’t break any rules. Let the feeling pass, talk to someone, anybody, do something creative, anything. She still texts me EVERY morning, now I text her back, EVERY morning. It’s April, I have things growing outside, spring is here, I might say I’m happy again!