Hi everyone. I (22F) have been dating my boyfriend (22M) for three years. We met in college and went through a lot together and love each other so much. We have always been there for each other. A month ago, one of his best friends died. It completely broke him. They were incredibly close and knew each other since middle school. it was my friend too. Although I only met him in college, I still cared deeply about him. I stayed in his hometown with him and the community my last three weeks instead of my college house to be there for him, and hold him and be alongside him. I had to put all of my emotions aside to be strong for my boyfriend. I knew he needed that and it is okay. I was by his side every step of the way until I had to move out of my college house and the state 4 days ago because I graduated college and had to move back home across the country. This move isn’t permanent, but it’s been a tough adjustment for both of us that we were already having issues with related to his depression/relying on me/not being able to be without me for one night because he can’t sleep.
He’s depressed and refuses to go to therapy or take medication. I know how bad he is struggling and I’m across the country and can’t help right now (physically, even thought I have been very very there for him over the phone and been talking to his mom (we are close) to check in and things. He keeps saying I’m the only person he can talk to, that I’m the only one who helps him, and the only one that can be there for him and hold him. He has tried to keep from drinking (as a way to cope) because I think in his last depressive episode, which was right before we met (which honestly makes me understand why maybe he relies on me. He hasn’t been depressed since we started dating and now that I am gone to him, and his friend on top of it, and graduating college and he doesn’t have a job or know what he wants to do with his life… things are bad now), and tonight he did. This first day I left town I was so sad and missed him because we were starting long distance for a while and just wanted to be able to text him while I was on my road trip home crying in the car, but he went to his friends lake house as a distraction and ended up blacking out and not talking to me. That hurt because I didn’t feel like he was there for me while I was literally there for him and texting him where ever he responded and saying I miss you, but I didn’t say anything because I know he is dealing with a lot.
The issue now is that my younger sister is moving into her college dorm on the same day as his birthday in two weeks. it’s a really big moment for her and my whole family. My sister and I are so close and because I’ve been away at school I haven’t gotten to spend a lot of time with her. I’ve been planning to go, and I really want to be there for her we’re close, and it’s something I don’t want to miss. She is so excited to show me her college town and meet her roomates, like she came to mine 4 years ago. I haven’t been back home to alone since my boyfriend and I started dating (he would always come and I loved it! He got to finally be around where I grew Iup and my family), and my family is so excited that I’ll be there. My sister was there for my college move-in, and I want to be there for hers. But I also feel like if I don’t go be with my boyfriend, he’s going to spiral. my boyfriend is devastated that I wouldn’t be with him on his birthday. He always hung out with his friend on his birthday and he would drive them around to the beach and roll “birthday blunts” for them apparently it was a tradition. He wants to go to the beach finally since his friend died because that is a special place and he wants to go with me on his birthday. He says he can only go with me on his birthday. He says he’ll “never forget” if I’m not there, even though he also says I don’t have to come and that he’s not trying to guilt me (but it feels like he is). He’s been drinking and saying intense things like “in 10 versions of this scenario, I don’t think I’d be alone all 10” — implying that if he had a different girlfriend, she would be there. He said it again that “someone else would understand”. He told me he didn’t mean it like that, yet still said something along the lines after because we “don’t see eye to eye”.
I told him that I can come with with him anytime before or after that day, I told him I can fly in the morning after his birthday and we can go to the beach that day, or that he could come with my family to the move in(but I understand he doesn’t want to be around my family and happy people like this). He doesn’t want to be with them that day because he said it will be the worst day. He also said he doesn’t want to drive here or get to me if I can’t put the effort in to get to him on his birthday when he needs me.
I know how bad he is struggling and I’m across the country and can’t help right now (physically, even thought I have been trying so hard to be for him over the phone with calls and texts and support and love and been talking to his mom (we are close) to check in and things.
Right now, all he’s doing is pushing and pushing on the birthday thing. He won’t let it go. I don’t know what to do I’ve been staying up late with him every night trying to comfort him, waking up early for work, barely sleeping. Im running on 2 hours of sleep last night because he needed to talk because he was crying and couldn’t sleep. He said I had been making him wait all day (I went to an appointment that unexpectedly lasted 2 hours, that was the only time I wasn’t available. I get that in his state of mind that definitely did feel like I abandoned him but when I explained he was upset and didn’t understand stil. Also there has been several times in the last days where he disappears to go hang out with a friend or gets off his phone and that’s understandable I’m not getting upset at him. I’m completely drained. I feel so sad and confused and like I’m being pulled in two impossible directions. I love him so much.
On top of all of this, I have anxiety as well and it has been bad. I am about to start preparing for graduate school applications and need to start studying for the admissions test. I’ve been so stressed that I can barely eat every time I try, I feel sick and nauseous. I have lost 9 pounds in a week because I am so worried about him over here and he sees it as me just not caring and abandoning him. I feel like I’m responsible for keeping him okay, responsible for supporting him and his wellbeing and I’m trying to be, responsible for myself and staying strong through my own future goals.
I love him so much. I don’t want to abandon him or make him feel worse. What do I do? Is it wrong if I don’t go to him on his birthday? How do I handle this? And everything? Ugh.
TL;DR: My (22F) boyfriend (22M) lost his best friend a month ago and is deep in grief. I’ve been emotionally supporting him nonstop, even after moving across the country for graduation. His birthday is coming up and he wants me to fly back to be with him because it’s the first one without his friend. But my younger sister is moving into her college dorm that same day—a huge moment for our family—and I really want to be there for her too. He says he understands but keeps guilt-tripping me, saying things like “someone else would understand.” I’m completely drained, struggling with anxiety, and feel like I’m being forced to choose between two people I love. I don’t want to abandon him, but I’m barely holding myself together. What do I do?