I always had moments where i felt my MiL (48f) doesn’t like me as much as she tells it to everyone outside. There are many moments I (28f) could bring up, but here are a few that really hit me:
She would constantly comment on my makeup and outfits telling me they weren’t good or didn’t suit me. Not once or twice, but consistently. I let it slide.
Around the time of our engagement, she showed me a photo of a girl whose family was trying to get her married to my husband in an arranged marriage. She told me not to tell my husband about it which made me so uncomfortable. (I told him anyway.)
She once took me to a Zumba class that she goes to and told me, during the drive, that she didn’t want to introduce me as her DIL that she’d rather say I was her sister’s daughter. I was shocked. The same person who would introduce my Brother in law’s female friends to me and my family as “she’s like my daughter”
My husband(29M) is currently living abroad (visa process delays are why I’m still here), and while he was visiting recently, I found out that my MIL gave his number to a single female friend(25f) of my brother in law (with whom my MIL is friends with) who is about to travel to the country my husband is living in. This same girl had already tried following my husband on Instagram, never tried to befriend me and I had a bad feeling about it. I asked my husband to remove her, and he respected that. But then she tried again to get his number from my MIL.
That’s when I finally decided to speak up.
Both my MIL and FIL have previously told me I’m “like a daughter” to them and that I should feel comfortable talking to them if anything ever bothers me. So I took them at their word. I carefully wrote a very respectful message, saying everything that I felt uncomfortable about this woman getting my husband’s number, and I hoped everyone in the family would respect boundaries.
That was it.
My MIL forwarded the message to my parents, called them and she told them that I’ve “done so many bad things” and that she’s “kept quiet for too long.” She told them they need to come meet with her and that they should bring a third party to “discuss the issues.” I believe she sent my message to other family members too completely out of context.
The next day she called my mom and said that she’ll never talk to me until i apologise to her
I’ve always stayed distant, polite, and never caused drama. They, on the other hand, have constantly said or done things that hurt me but the moment I tried to address just one of them respectfully, I got punished for it.
To top it off, the entire family went silent on me for 3 months. My FIL, who used to text me “good morning 👸“ every day just… stopped.
last saturday, after months of no communication, my MIL is calling my mother saying I should be dropped off at their house for a puja (indian ritual) and some weddings events of my husband’s side relatives in following days . She’s pressuring my husband too, saying they’ll make me “feel comfortable.” But after how they treated me the manipulation, the blame, the silence. I do not feel good going back. She always brushes things off and then repeats the same behavior.
She never takes accountability or addresses what went wrong. My husband is telling me that probably they’re using it as a chance to patch up things with me. My husband argues with her on saturday and sunday. Nothing happens monday to friday, but i just learned that she called my mom on thursday specifically telling her not to tell about that conversation to me and that this needs to fixed asap and that this is family, and family problems need to be sorted blah blah blah.
Again yesterday (saturday) she texted my mom if we are coming to her house to talk about it. it’s a 3 hour drive to her house, my mom told her maybe next week because we don’t have the car today and tomorrow (lied) she insists she will send the car and that we have to come to her house to sort out the problem
she told my husband her intention is “to clear the air” It feels so fake.
What do i do? Should i go and deal with her? my gut tells me she just can’t take it that i pointed out her mistake and that my husband agrees to it, now she wants this meeting to happen so bad so she can flip it all on me and feel better about herself
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You should not go. She’s the problem, not you. You are not at her beck and call. Stay with your mom until your visa comes through and then go be with your husband.
You do not have to go. You’re a grown up married woman, and your MIL doesn’t get to order you around. Make sure your husband knows that you won’t be attending this puja, and that you will also not be going around his family at all without his protection.
Any hashing out of family issues should happen when he is also present. In fact, I’d say to bring your parents along for backup and support as well. You have a very fine line to walk with such a traditional family, and I think it will be very difficult to get your in-laws to see you as an adult with agency. I always defer to my husband about attending family gatherings, but it’s a trade off; if I have to go he has to protect me.