Basically title. I have been with my girlfriend for a long time but our work places are too far apart. About 50+ miles apart.
We’ve been looking for houses but specifically with good school districts. There’s no good school districts between our work locations. She also wants a house that appreciates better.
So we have been looking closer to her area. But every house I’ve checked, it’s basically 42 miles away from my house.
I counted the time to go to work. It’s basically 40-50 minutes if I leave before 5:30 am. And 1 hr to 1.2 hr on the way back if I leave at 3 pm.
I also calculated for a full year it’s somewhere around 500 hrs per year on commuting. I also work shift work too.
And over a year, it’s 21k miles on my car. And not to mention the tolls and the gas and the oil changes + maintenance.
I’m anchored to my job. Since it’s very stable and secure and I make good money, and I am worried about the job market.
She’s not as anchored but she wants to stay in the area. She also works from home 3 days a week. I don’t have that option.
Realistically, it makes more sense for her to move towards me but she’s unwilling to as there are genuinely no good school districts near me.
I’ve talked to her about it but she talked me through it with the idea that the house will be better and appreciate faster in her area, it’s a better investment.
I talked myself into it where my coworkers drive 40+ miles and they could do it, so why can’t I?
But I know it’ll destroy me and it does have me worried. I basically spend an additional 10 hrs minimum per week.
I don’t want to break up with her but I genuinely don’t know how to make this work. She does so much for the relationship too. She’s willing to even take the entire loan under her name for the sake of our relationship.
What should I do?
TLDR; girlfriend wants me to commit to a 40 mile plus drive one way. Talked to her about my concerns. Talked myself into thinking I could do it but having second guesses. What should I do?
Comments
> it’s basically 42 miles away from my house. I counted the time to go to work. It’s basically 40-50 minutes
I am so jealous. My 7 mile commute takes an hour.
I wouldn’t move to her area. Not sure how I would proceed TBH. I think you have a bigger issue than what area to buy a house in.
That commute sucks. You will hate it. She works from home most of the time so it’s not a big deal to her. Don’t buy.
Am I correct that you don’t have kids yet? If not, then there’s no reason specifically to buy in a Good School District area right now. Even if you and she had a kid this afternoon, it would still be 2030 before the school district would matter even a little. So at that point you’d have been in the house for a while, built up some equity, and could plan a move to a better district then.
But there’s no reason to limit your options now for something that you might need half a decade or more from now.
All of that said:
It’s a bad idea to buy a home with someone you are not married to. Once you’re married, all of your finances are entangled anyway, so having a house in the mix doesn’t make things any more complex than they already are if (for some reason) the relationship fails. But if you’re not married, own a home together, and then things don’t work out, it makes what would otherwise be a simple (if painful) breakup into a goat rodeo. I know this because I did it, and it took me 4 years and somewhere north of $50K to extricate myself from it.
> I talked myself into it where my coworkers drive 40+ miles and they could do it, so why can’t I?
It’s about tradeoffs. Everyone has priorities, and everyone has unique personal costs associated with certain things. Other people’s priorities are different from yours, and the opportunity cost they associate with something like a long drive is different from the one that you would associate with it.
So the fact that other people are happy with a 40+ mile commute doesn’t mean that you should be happy with it.
I WFH most days, but on the days I have to go into the office, it’s 45 miles each way. I don’t mind that even a little bit, because it’s all curvy back roads with little traffic for most of the way. It takes me an hour or so. I used to work a job where the commute was only 20 miles, but it was bumper-to-bumper traffice the whole way, and took me about 40 minutes. I hated that commute, but I don’t mind the current one. So it isn’t even about distance necessarily, but about the difference between driving on open roads versus staring at someone else’s license plate for an hour.
What you should do is sit down and figure out what your needs are: the things that you must have as part of your life for that life to be fulfilling and satisfying. If “I need to have a commute that’s less than a half hour or I’ll go bibbledy” is true, then that’s a need, and you shouldn’t compromise on it.
She should also write up a list of the things that she needs.
The two of you should do this separately, taking the time to be thorough, and not comparing answers or discussing it in any way until you are both done.
When you’re done, you should sit down and compare notes.
If there are any needs on either of your lists that is mutually exclusive with any of the needs on the other person’s list, such that for one of you to have everything you need for a satisfying, fulfilling life, the other one cannot have everything s/he needs for a satisfying, fulfilling life…
…then the two of you have a fundamental incompatibility, and “whether and where to buy a house” is the least of your problems.
I think the bigger question you need to think about is the school district thing. If you want kids, are you ultimately fine with them being in a bad school district? If not, you are going to have to live somewhere other than where you work, whether that’s with your current partner or another one. Some people hate commuting, and some people find a way to be fine with it. But many people, even if they live in the city where they work have a commute that is not far off from the one you are considering. I use it as an excuse to put on a podcast and relax a bit, but I don’t mind driving in general.