Me (25F) and my boyfriend (27M) have been dating for 3 years. My boyfriend has always been a very ambitious person who loves working hard and has his dream job. He comes from a lower middle class family in india and really prioritizes saving money. He wants a good life for his family and future kids. I’m Indian as well but grew up in America with my parents, we’re higher middle class. Since we met we got along very well, have the same interests and love each other very much despite our different upbringings.
My bf is a SWE at google making more than 250k. I’m also in tech but i’m not too passionate nor good at what I do and I make 120k.
My bf from the beginning saw that I spend way too many hours doing work and this is because I struggle to understand things quickly and also because my company is a bit toxic and gives a lot of work. He’s always encouraged me to switch to a different company and in order to do this he said I should spend just 1-2 hours each day learning skills/ applying to other companies. I said I’ll work on it but I never did.
We went back and forth with many many arguments due to me not working on myself.
After doing my work I feel exhausted and want time to myself and feel too lazy to upskill or apply to other jobs. I’ve told him this but he thinks spending just an hour each day can get me to a better position. he tells me that it’s important to him that his partner can manage work and life and should be financially independent. which is completely fair for him to want.
It’s reached a point where my bf started to resent me for not putting effort and wanted to end things because we no longer align. He gave me some time to see if I can put any effort but noticed that I’m still not.
I went to India for the last 3 months and we had minimal contact with each other but didn’t fight much. The last week before I came back from India, we talked about it again and I told him that I’m just not capable of skilling up and i want to stay in my comfort zone. He said then this won’t work out anymore. I got emotional and i told him that I would want to try but it’s gone too far at this point and i won’t hold him back anymore.
I came back to the US yesterday and he immediately came to see me and said he wanted to tell me something. He told me that he’s done pressuring me and that he’ll be with me no matter what and that he wants me to just be happy and if growing in my career is too much pressure i don’t have to do that. he said he realized that he could go be with someone who has the good career and everything but they won’t be me. so he wants to figure it out with me no matter what. and he talked about getting married in a year as well.
obviously i felt very relieved to hear this and happy. but i don’t know. I don’t want him to just feel like he has to settle. What should we do next?
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I mean… do you enjoy your work and have time in your life for your relationship and other things you want to do?
There is an argument here that you can learn new skills, make career moves, etc. Theres also the argument that you can look for another job that has a more positive work environment or better work life balance.
Welp… I guess you should be clear on the fact “I don’t want to change. Accept it or go. I will shut you next time you suggest”
Imagine being admittedly not good at your job and still earning 120k a year. I make 40k a year and I’m considered top of my level at my place of work.
I don’t think he ‘realized’ anything, he just ran back because you were ready to withdraw instead of doing what you have been doing for years, which is doing what he wants to become the ‘person’ he wants you to be. It doesn’t make sense to suddenly have this ‘change of heart’ after being frustrated by it for years, I don’t think it’s genuine. His acceptance is likely temporary and the issue will resurface. They don’t suddenly stop trying to shape you into the person they want you to be.
I’m glad he came to realize that there’s more to a relationship than being in the same headspace about how you approach careers and work. It seems like he had an epiphany about how he loves you as a person and not just how you approach this one area in the same way as him. Not everyone is career driven and not everyone loves what they do for work.
I’d be cautious too. It’s hard to know if this issue will come up again. You should talk openly about your life expectations as far as standards of living and how you intend to raise children. My husband and I are very similar to you and your bf as far as salaries and we have a toddler and are having a 2nd in a few months. He is also not from the US and I am. Luckily we live in a fairly low cost of living area and we both plan to continue working after then 2nd is here and have them both in daycare. We are aligned in our plans and lifestyle and goals that we have for the whole family.
What are your and your boyfriend’s expectations if you have a family? Do you continue a stressful job you are not passionate about? Will there be resentment if you feel staying with your children is more important than a job you dislike? Will you utilize your parents and continue to work? Will having children motivate you to find a job you enjoy with better balance?
Lots to think and talk about with him. Being on the same page is so important, especially once there are kids in the picture. I really wish you the best!
Im sure his intentions are not malicious, but I would question if it’s entirely coming from a place of encouragement towards you. It appears to me that he has some unresolved trauma regarding security.
Let’s be honest. Both of your income combined are more than enough to live comfortably in this economy. In fact, you two are very well off than the majority of people. If he recognized this objective reality, I dont think he would be pressuring you about being “financially independent.” At 120K a year, you are absolutely qualified to be financially independent as a single adult.
Now putting that aside, maybe he sees your lack of desire to do more as weakness or not ambitious. To me, thats just him putting his standards onto you. Maybe he grew up in an environment where he was expected to over perform, and now its impacting his ability to realize that not everyone has the same desire or the capability to do what he does.
Either way, I think he has some deep-rooted issues regarding security and work life. You two are different people with different desires and capabilities. Work can just be work. It doesn’t have to be something you love, and it can just be something to bring in income. You also dont have to constantly try to achieve the next best thing, that can get tiring.
Maybe couples therapy or individual therapy for the both of you would be helpful.
Thos will never end!! It just cools down but he will pick it up again.