Let me just start off by saying I obviously have autism. I realize some of my ideas are not your ideas. I realize I have a different world view than many people.
I was only diagnosed with autism a year ago. I have gone all of my adult life having zero clue what women are looking for in a relationship.
In truth when I look back on my late teens and 20s in particular, I realize I had zero clue what I was doing or how I could be appealing to someone.
I am still probably pretty clueless in what a woman wants in a partner. Although I will admit at 38 I do feel like I have a better idea of what women want. Unfortunately I do not have what women seem to want.
Money, stability, a career, friends, social status. It is ok, I do not feel I am lacking in those areas, but I can see why someone might want a potential partner to have those things.
I guess from a woman’s perspective I am probably perpetually 20 years old in my worldview and outlook on life. I realize this makes me a bit different.
I suppose this question is for men and women out there. What does a person do when they are not what a potential partner is looking for but they still want to be in a relationship?
I know some people might want to suggest I try to change myself. But that is just not me. I am just not capable, nor do I desire to become that sort of person.
I would be curious to know if people have had success with dating despite not being very conventional.
Thank you so very much 🙂
Comments
Women are not a monolith. We differ in what we want. It doesn’t benefit you much to dwel on what women in general want. You need to know what the woman you are dating wants. Unless you want a very unequal relationship, it is not unlikely that you can find someone that fit you. Like no matter what your deal is, there is bound to be some women out there that is similar. Like you mention autism, well there is no lack of women with autism, if that is something you feel that you need to share with your partner. But you have to be prepared to make some compromises. You don’t need to compromise on all issues, but you do have to be able to make some compromises.
One thing that most women and men want though is to feel wanted. I think a mistake many (mostly men) do is to just have a goal of getting a partner, just anybody. Nobody wants to feel that their partner chose them only because they where the first to say yes. So having some standards for your partner will actually make it easier to find a partner, even though you might think that it would make it harder. (Still remember the part about compromising though.)
Really you just have to put yourself in a situation where you meet people, and then see if you click with someone. If you do, it is a question between you and that woman, and at that point it doesn’t matter what women in general want, only what you and this specific woman want.
I think a lot of straight men—autistic or not—feel like at some point. There’s no single formula for what a woman wants, because every person is different, and there are literally billions of women. Contrary to what you might have learnt on Reddit and some dodgy websites, being sincere, respectful, and open to learning are highly valued. If you have those, then you’re already doing well.
Relationships aren’t about having all the answers from the start. The fact that you’re self-aware already puts you ahead of many. Also, don’t underestimate the qualities you bring just by being your quirky, cumbersome, authentic self. For many women, kindness, loyalty, honesty, and emotional effort, matter far more than slick charm or knowing exactly what to say (in any case it’s impossible to know exactly what to say all the time).
That said, there are a few things that can really help. Looking good is a lot easier than you think: shower and change your clothes, stand tall and smile, get a good haircut—and smile again. Being really good at something (guitar, chess, whatever) tends to earn respect from many women. A sense of humour (note: cynicism and sarcasm are not the same thing) is a big plus. Self-confidence is vital, because you’ll likely need to be the one to approach her, girls generally don’t make the first move. And finally, listening is another major strength.
You don’t have to be anything, but yourself. Don’t think of it as you not being what every girl wants, because they all have different wants and needs. And no matter how bad you think you have it, there exists a girl who feels the same about herself.
All you need to do is be happy with yourself, and be available for interactions that could lead to something more. If you are happy with yourself and struggling to find someone, you just need to find more opportunities. Find ways to get out and meet people like yourself.
I’m 35, and I have a high functioning autistic friend the same age. He’s poor, he’s less attractive, he’s not really that bright or charming(on the surface, anyway). But he’s currently 8 months into a relationship with a girl who truely loves and respects him. And it’s because he never looked at himself as lesser. My man is always happy, always ready to get up and go out with us and have some fun.
Autistic woman here. All of my partners have been found through my special interests. I never looked for anyone. I was always just myself because I was participating in my special interest and things just happened from there. I did have relationship problems but that was due to excessive masking. I was diagnosed only four years ago. My current partner is also on the spectrum. Sadly I have had no luck with neurotypical partners.
>I guess from a woman’s perspective I am probably perpetually 20 years old in my worldview and outlook on life.
Can you expand on this a bit? Are you saying you haven’t matured or learned anything since you were a young adult?
>Money, stability, a career, friends, social status. It is ok, I do not feel I am lacking in those areas,
A fallacy that I see men fall for all the time is looking at dating like a checklist. If I do X, Y, and Z, check all the boxes, I should be good.
That stuff matters somewhat, we want someone with emotional intelligence who has (or is on their way to having) their shit together, but that’s a baseline ask. Really, a lot of dating is just plain chemistry which you can’t check off a box for.