What to say about MIL, in first therapy session?

Starting therapy because of the issues with my MIL, and wondering how I’m supposed to summarize 15 years of relatively “small” issues.

There must be people here who have started therapy for this exact reason, right!?

What are you supposed to say about MIL during a first visit? How did you describe all the things…?

My MIL has consistency shown herself to be pushy, intrusive, disrespectful of boundaries, unable to take hints – heck, unable to accept things when told outright either.

I’ve grown very anxious over it, and, to be frank, can’t stand the biatch after all this time.

We see each other roughly twice a week, I try to keep it at one but the kids like her well enough and DH wants them to have a relationship. So I just grit my teeth through her visits.

Things she does often cause friction and squabbles with DH.

Seeking therapy alone instead of as a couple rn, because of logistics. It’s a start and better than nothing.

There obviously isn’t enough time to cover everything. So did you summarize? A few sentences? Examples of specific situations?

• When I was pregnant, living far away, she called me to announce “I want to be there for the birth”. Didn’t ask how I felt about having an almost stranger in my very small house while healing and binding with my newborn. Didn’t offer, just said I WANT. (We didn’t have her over, DH shut it down.)

• When we moved closer, purchasing a home from a distance, I flew in after DH. She of course had done some well-meant cleaning in our new home, but also decorated a bit (frames, pictures, wine glasses, some large toys and small furniture) which I didn’t like – would have preferred a blank slate instead of her pissing all over our new home.

• Then came Covid and she lost her job and apt. SIL gave a hard no (they were almost NC, I now understand why) so she moved in with us and 13 rough months later, FINALLY moved out. Any inhibition or respect I still had for her as an in-law eroded during that time.

Now, we live close and DH has made sure she knows not to stop by unannounced. That’s good.

But has done things like:

• Drive our rental car without permission

• Left the stair gate open for our baby in a walker (mistakes happen) and NOT own up to it, joking and deflecting instead

• Subscribed our kiddo to soccer without asking

• Announced she wanted to drive kiddo to her very first pre-K as if she was doing us a favor (no regard for how we felt about that)

• Go through our closet space after moving out

• Take picture frames from our home without asking (I noticed one in her trunk weeks later, WTF!? “I wanted to make a copy” The frame was bent and destroyed btw.)

• Big one: she really wanted to watch our kids full time while I went to work full time, so that her son didn’t have to work so hard. I said no – don’t trust her to do that. (Instead, I found a job working 3-7am from home.) We had a huge argument over this last year during which she said some very dumb things and I’ve never forgiven her.

• Doesn’t wash hands properly. Thinks perishable dates on food are just as suggestion. (I’m aware these’s some flexibility there, but not to the point of ‘it’s been only 10 days, take a whiff and cross fingers’ – its part of the reason why she’s not taking care of the kids.)

• Can’t stand to be away from our kids for longer than 2 days. Constantly breathing down my neck to see them. I did only one visit this week, said ‘no thank you, other plans’ to the second, and she acts like I offended her.

• Always pushes for plans with DH to do something and doesn’t bother asking me.

• Feeds our dogs without asking.

• Gave the chickens sugary cereal AFTER I asked her not to. Caught her in the act and it was hilarious. I came down on her hard: “MIL, you’re either having memory issues or deliberately going against me here, which one is it? You want to caretake my kids and can’t even stick to directions re: my chickens.” Of course, she thought that “was different”.

• Etc.

Do I come armed with a summary like above, or is that too much – rather follow the therapists lead?

Did therapy do good things for you – did it help you deal with a MIL?

Appreciate any tips!