I’m a man in my late 30s and feeling a bit confused about a close female friend of mine (also in her late 30s). How would you define this type of relationship?
We spend some time together, sometimes go dancing, and she occasionally gives me platonic massages for money – she’s professionally trained, but I’m the only one she treats. We’ve made it clear several times that we’re just friends. So far, the boundaries seemed clear.
Some weeks ago, she had an important public performance. Her boyfriend didn’t want to come. She asked me to come, and I did. She was very happy I was there, hugged me multiple times, and said that, due to her nervousness, she felt a strong need to cuddle. Afterwards, we went for a long walk – talked about various topics, including very private topics – and took photos of each other. She also expressed interest in looking after my kids sometime.
Eventually, I got tired and wanted to head home. Just as we were about to say goodbye, she suddenly gave a little speech about how we’re “just friends”, that she behaves this way with everyone she’s close to, and that what she does with me isn’t anything special or exclusive. Right after that, she hugged me again, came back for a second hug, and said as she walked away that the day had been wonderful for her.
Some days later, we had an appointment for another massage at 9pm in the evening. She offered me the possibility to sleep in her guest room because of the time (stating that she offers this also to other friends), but I drove home after the massage (around midnight). Before saying goodbye, she initiated a long hug, but then said after some seconds that it was too much for her. Some shorter hugs followed and I left her apartment.
TL;DR: Please define this type of relationship.
Comments
How long have you known each other, and how did you come to be friends just out of interest?
Tbh it sounds like exactly what she’s said it is. She’s someone with a boyfriend, who isn’t doing anything exclusive or special for you that she wouldn’t do for any of her other friends.
If you’re worried that you might be feeling differently, or you want something more, don’t stay in her orbit in the hopes that it will change. Late 30s and beyond is no time to be playing “read the tea leaves”. You deserve someone available, willing to express unambiguous interest in you.