I (27F) was in an emotionally and physically abusive relationship.. I didn’t really want to bring this up to my current boyfriend since I’ve since healed and moved on from it. Recently, it came up in passing in a conversation while emotions were heightened, but I didn’t go into much details.
I just have this fear that he will lose respect for me once he finds out that I let myself get treated like that.
What was your experiences with dating someone who was in an abusive relationship?
r/AskMen
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Victim personality. Nothing they did was their fault
I’ve dated multiple, I’m sorry to say that all of them were challenges, largely because of trauma those partners carried with them that basically made us on different pages on how to conduct relationships with things like sharing control, intimacy, trust, affection, etc.
But hearing about that past never made me lose respect for them. And it wouldn’t if I dated someone with that past again. Sometimes back stories like this can help to explain why someone’s personality is what it is… But it doesn’t really change anything.
Personally I felt blessed to be the next person she trusted. There are difficulties yes, but it’s so rewarding to love someone and watch them heal. Every boy growing up fantasized about being the hero who stops the bully or the mass shooter or grabs the hand of the girl falling off the cliff. Being someone’s soft place to fall is as close to living that fantasy as most of us will ever get. The look in the eyes of a woman when she realizes you will never hit her, never yell at her, never blame her for your problems and frustrations is one of the best rewards I’ve ever gotten. When a woman realizes there is nothing she can do and no circumstances on earth that will ever make her feel unsafe in your presence, well, then you’re the hero.
There is no way a good man (or person for that matter), would lose respect for their partner because they were subjected to an abusive relationship in their past.
If your current SO is a person of integrity, they will be there for you in any capacity you need them to, or they will be willing to just move on with life if that is the stage you are at with recovery.
I am sorry you had to go through that – no person deserves any form of relationship abuse. Any partner that disrespects their significant other because of previous abusive relationships is not a person worth committing one’s time and affection.
If your boyfriend is a decent human being, he will want to support you however he can.
Having to clean up someone else’s mess is a pain in the ass. Not worth it, you deserve better.
She was constantly concerned that I would leave her. I made a remark once that she didn’t like, thought it was a prelude to me leaving her, so she left me.
She told me much later that she regretted doing so, but it was too late by then.
She decided to abuse me in our relationship.
I can’t hold, having been in an abusive relationship, against anyone, but I’m not being someone else’s scapegoat anymore.
I’ve been with a few women in the past who have been in abusive relationships. To be completely and truthfully honest, its was extremely difficult and taxing, but not for the reasons you’d probably think.
First is awful separation anxiety. You dont reply to a message within 5 minutes, no matter the reason. Expect to be flooded with phone calls, messages, and surprise visits to wherever you are at. Not just you, but your friends, family, and work will receive them too. Ive had a few uncomfortable meetings with HR due to this in the past.
Projection, if you do something, just a hint familiar to the awful past shes experienced. You’ll spend ages reassuring and discussing that you’re a different person to her ex. Therefore, shouldn’t be treated like an abuser. It could be something as small as you like whisky and her ex likes whisky.
More prone to outbursts, this one’s a sad one. But people who have been abused can mirror there abusers behaviours as they were conditioned to thinking its normal. Or in a situation that panics her, can lash out.
Im in no way saying these women are not deserving of love. But what you do need is incredibly patience and understanding. Also needing to be realistic about the differences and potential challenges these relationships can present.
Losing respect is not likely. Fear of hurting you by accident or of being used as a punching bag are more likely concerns but if you and the dude work to avoid that in good faith it’s probably fine.
As long as she doesn’t have the “y’all have done me wrong” victim mentality and try to project, there’s hope. If she dealt with it to the point where she can talk about it, not hide details, not twist the facts in her head, etc..then there’s no problem. You don’t need to be ashamed.
Most these women need a lot of reassurance but a decent man would be supportive. Use a calm and loving moment to bring it up gently and if he’s worth your time he’d comfort you