I (25F) have been with my husband (25M) for 5 years, married for 1. I work full time and go to school part time, and he works 60+ hours a week as a lineman.
We live together on and off as he’s having to travel all over for work. He provides for me financially while I use all my money to pay down student loan debt. This man has given me cars, a roof over my head, and has kept me fed even before we were married. I am by no means a bad wife, and I do not regret not being a traditional couple at all, but I do find myself wanting to do more for him. All he asks of me is to focus on becoming debt free so I can start financially contributing to our future. I started with 30k in student loans exactly a year ago, they’ll be paid off before August (woo). Paying my debt down has felt like “enough” for what I do for him, but as that goal becomes completed, I’m trying to look towards more ways I can make him feel appreciated.
I mention being non-traditional because I understand how unrealistic it is for me to carry the burden of home maker while working full time. I don’t want to cause that kind of resentment in our relationship. He doesn’t expect that of me either and he’s great help around the house. Lately I’ve had the mantra of “protect his peace.” I’m not the neatest person… he’s trained me over the years. Right now I’m even focusing on a rule of not leaving ANYTHING on the floor. I kick my dirty underwear aside and my brain goes “protect his peace” and I put it away lol. Continuously training myself to be neat, even if he isn’t around, is an act of love to me and something I strive for constantly.
I’ve been browsing Christian subreddits to see what women mean when they say they serve their husbands (in a religious sense). Many say to pray for him every day. And honestly a lot of it does sound like they focus on protecting his peace as lots of those women are SAHM’s. So lots of cleaning and cooking and allowing him to be present at home after providing financially all day. I’m curious to know even the most mundane or random things yall do to protect your partners peace, or “serve” them. Some things I’ve considered putting more effort into:
-
More physical touch (his primary love language)
-
Becoming more financially literate to help us achieve our goals (I kinda just trust what he tells me I should do lol)
-
Going more 70/30 on household chores. I have a desk job and while it’s mentally draining, it isn’t as physically demanding as his job.
-
He’s very routine oriented so I want to enhance his routines and make them more efficient (I.e. he meal preps every Sunday and he hates buying groceries so I could get him groceries the day before).
-
Praying for him?? I really like the idea of praying for someone you care about. Again, complete atheist here but I think an equivalent would be a gratitude journal of sorts. If I can jot down various things I’d want for my husband every day, I’d be subconsciously or consciously making those things come true for him. I find myself taking things for granted the more accustomed I become to them and I hate feeling like I didn’t show my appreciation enough.
To be clear, I don’t want to do this just cuz I’m a woman and he’s a man. Tbh it’d be valid for a man who works full time to ask what they can do outside of providing money to serve their wives. I’m not trying to become more traditional, I’m just looking for ways I can make him feel loved and supported that aren’t solely from financial contributions.
TLDR As a couple that works full time, what are some things I could implement into every day life to make my man feel more appreciated, wanted, and cared for? How can I best “serve” him when the more traditional route isn’t realistic?
Comments
Honestly you will get better advice in a kink group.
Both my husband and I work, do chores, cook, etc. and I found over the years that we both enjoy spending at least a few minutes each evening listening to each other. Whether it’s a funny story about something that happened during the day or just a good old-fashioned venting session to get something off our chests, we both come away feeling appreciated.
Does he want any of this? Is this how he wants to feel loved and appreciated? Because that’s more important than what random Christian subreddits tell you.
Support his routines, show affection, help with chores, grow financially, and express daily gratitude. Serving him means making his life easier, not fitting a role
What specifically does he do to “serve” you? I ask because often times people do things for their partners that they’d want done for themselves. If there’s something he goes out of his way to always do for you that you’ve never even hinted at, he just decided that’s the nice thing to do, that’s probably what he’d like done for him.
I’m a messy too, my partner is very neat and clean. Cleaning up after yourself is great! Does he hate bathroom cleaning? Does he groan about folding laundry? Is weed whacking his least favorite part of yard work? Picking the chore you know he doesn’t enjoy can be a great way to serve.
There’s a lot of small things like bringing in the mail, giving the dogs/kids their medication, scheduling appointments, that can be a burden if he feels like he’s always the one remembering to do them. You could pick up some of those “mental load” things.
Does he like or dislike driving? You can offer to drive on date nights and other times so he can relax in the car.
Just remember that even if you weren’t paying your debt and weren’t working and weren’t doing housework or cooking or anything at all you still have value. Someday one of you might become ill or disabled and not be able to do anything, but that doesn’t devalue you or your worth in the relationship. So do what you can but don’t tie your value to how much you serve.
Whatever you believe “service” is should be guided by your own faith practice and your own relationship. You don’t want a life philosophy cobbled together from Reddit — if you are a believer, go to church and join a small group and read your text, and sort out what you believe. And talk to your husband about what service means to each of you, in the context of your relationship. Tell him what you’ve said here — that you’re looking for ways to help him feel loved and supported; and ask him what kinds of things give him those feelings.
I think you also want to check in with yourself. Are you on this path because you feel like you’re not good enough for him and you have to earn your place in his life? If that’s the case, you need to focus on building up your own self-worth. If you aren’t confident in what you have to bring to this marriage, then nothing you do will ever feel like it’s “enough.”
I have been with my husband for 22 years. To me, the best way to show appreciation is to just respect them and be a team. Mutual respect, communication, and teamwork make life so much smoother and happier.
Finishing your schooling and paying off debt will take a lot of strain off him because you’ll be contributing to the family accounts along with him. Doing chores he doesn’t like (with the expectation he does the same for you).
One thing I’ve done is slip a note in my husband’s lunch. Something simple or even corny. An “I love you” or “I hope your day is going well!” on a napkin folded in his lunch box.
Small things show your love and is a great way to serve your significant other.