Imagine she’s great smart, funny, emotionally connected but you found out (from a solid source) that she cheated in her last relationship. She sort of mentioned “messy stuff in the past” but never came clean about it. Would you look past it or walk away?
What would you do if you really liked someone, but found out she cheated in her last relationship
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Since you shitlords like to delete your posts, here’s an original copy of /u/carsongirl12’s post (if available):
Imagine she’s great smart, funny, emotionally connected but you found out (from a solid source) that she cheated in her last relationship. She sort of mentioned “messy stuff in the past” but never came clean about it. Would you look past it or walk away?
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I would need context before making any sort of decision.
Wouldn’t ever entertain it. If you knew, surely you’ve got to be thinking she would do it again. That’s for me anyway. We’re all different.
How long ago was the last relationship?
Learn what you can and then have them tell you. See what they glaze over.
Might be how she talks about you one day soon
Stop liking her
People grow and change. Accountability is huge.
If she tells me how she was tempted or that her boyfriend wasn’t paying attention to her, I’d nut and bolt.
If she can own up to it, acknowledge the damage and pain she caused, and has actively worked to know why and to fix the problem, I can work with that.
Ask her about it and see how she reacts
depends if they learned and grew from it. Many people have done stupid things when young and realized later in life how hurtful their actions were and changed how they would handle such instances in the future. Not everyone is a cheater for life.
I’m 54 now. When I was younger, I would probably date her anyway. But now, I don’t see how I could do it. I would ask her about it and just be honest that you heard that she cheated and see what she says. But if she actually cheated, then you should not pursue anything with her. If she cheated on that guy, she’ll do the same to you.
I would date her and have fun, but I wouldn’t get serious.
Don’t put on a cape and play captain save a ho. She’s for the streets. Leave her there.
Depends on the circumstances of the cheating. But even then, be wary and keep your mental/emotional state on guard. Be prepared to cut a potential traitor off.
I would not take her seriously, fwb at most
I’d need to know more. For example was he cheating on her/abusing her in some way so that’s why. Other than that it’s a hard no.
Don’t most young people start dating the next person before breaking up with the current person? If you like her, date her… Look at the short game, not the long game. Consider dates, sex, having fun, not marriage, kids, and retirement planning.
I think that’s a very simplistic, binary question that misses a lot of the nuance that makes this an important consideration. There is a big difference between making out with a guy at a high school party and spending two years secretly visiting hotel rooms while married.
Once a cheater always a cheater. Giant red flag do not bring this person in to your life.
Never trust a person who’s done it once. Confront her, communicate. If it’s true, don’t ever see her again
I saw an ex who cheated years ago, he didn’t change. I didn’t bother with his bs. He once told me he cheated on an ex gf, just don’t waste your time on someone who isn’t worth it. You’re way better off.
Wouldn’t be for me. I’d always have it in the back of my mind that at the first sign of trouble she’d be vindictive or just run to the first thing she sees to feel better about herself for a bit.
Not to say people can’t change, but I can’t live my life feeling like I’d have to be on guard and surveillance all the time.
I’m of the opinion people don’t change unless they’re given a strong enough reason to
If she didn’t hit rock bottom between then and now because of her cheating, she’s liable to do it again.
The way you do one thing is the way you do everything. If a bad sign is there and it makes you question it lean on that gut feeling.
>She sort of mentioned “messy stuff in the past” but never came clean about it. Would you look past it or walk away?
I’d be more inclined to giving it a chance if it wasn’t described as “messy stuff in the past” without any further explanation. That makes it sound like she’s hiding something or trying to portray the situation in a way that removes her own responsibility for the situation. That alone would make me walk away.
If she did it once she will do it again. You already know the answer that is why you came here for assurance. Save yourself the trouble bro
Have a friend who always made his next nest before breaking up. Been friends since college. Almost 60, guess who had multiiple affairs during his 30 yr marriage and twice almost left his wife? Yep. Tbh, dont lnow why she didnt. Also, he claims to be passed that now. But I do t believe him. Once a dog always a dog
She would not qualify
Once a cheater, always a cheater
The best predictor of future is past behavior… absolutely no way I get involved.
While I have a boundary against dating most people who have a history of cheating (because my ex husband cheated on me), I think the bigger concern is that she tried to hide it from you / wasn’t forthcoming and honest. That’s very telling that she is still secretive by nature and hasn’t done the inner work of confronting the behavior.
Thats my cue to dip.
100% walk. I was cheated on in a previous relationship. I am struggling to learn to trust my current girlfriend who tells me everything I want to know and is super open and helpful. But if I was told she cheated in the past I’d never get it out of my head that she’s just trying to pull the wool over my eyes and cheat some more
Two things about cheaters:
Walk away or bang her and then walk away.
Don’t go in expecting monogamy. Talk about it.
If someone was honest with me about a mistake they made then I can accept it. We’re not perfect and people make mistakes. If someone wasn’t sorry about it or was a serial cheater, then I’d probably walk or not let it get serious
Side Chick status. Final Answer.
If shes a cheater she’s a beater (I just made that up)
It’s the past. I wouldn’t immediately reject someone just because they cheated in a past relationship.
Once a cheater, always a cheater is absolutely NOT true.
I’ve cheated in one relationship and I vowed to myself that I would never do that again. People learn how to be a good person. Life teaches you a lot. Maybe you should ask her about the circumstances of it all.
All that being said, i would bat an eye if the person was a serial-cheater.
Well, it’s certainly a red flag. Proceed with caution. I would run if any other trust issues arise.
Last is last. Don’t hold grudges or make assumptions
It depends. How recent was this past relationship? Did she take full ownership for her role in cheating with no excuses? Was the cheating a one off, multiple times, or an affair? Is she still in contact with the men she cheated with? Is she still in contact with her boyfriend?
Would your future wife be a cheater
No go. This never goes away.
Deal breaker
I would at least allow her to tell me her version of things.
I’ve been through this before. Seemed clear like it was a part of her past, but then she cheated on me as well.
And after we split, ended up cheating with me too.
So yeah, deal breaker for me.
Luckily I don’t have to worry anymore as I eventually found a loyal woman and married her
If you can do casual with her go ahead, if you need it to be exclusive let her go. If she wants you she will chase you and then you get to make the choice… But she probably won’t so no need to agonize over it. If you can have some fun go ahead. Take the love you can get, but don’t try for the love she won’t give you
Cheaters dont deserve to be in a relationship ever again, regardless of the reasons
Loyalty is the most important thing in relationships
Once a cheater always a cheater
Edit… all the cheaters who came to this thread looking for affirmation downvoting me go read the rest of the comments confirming what im saying
Statistically, people who cheat are more likely to cheat again. So, no, I wouldn’t take that chance.
I know not everyone cheats a second time, but still.
My current partner has cheated in the past, before me. Im 100% sure that they are loyal to me, it’s been over a decade now. Depends on the situation
No thanks
Walk away
He ain’t me…
I cheated in the past. Especially in my 20’s. I was dumb, immature, and handling my own issues in terrible ways.
I don’t cheat anymore. I’m a MUCH better man.
I’m saying this because there’s a lot of people in here saying once a cheater always a cheater and that’s just not true. The truth is…you just can’t know right now if she’d cheat on you or not. Sometimes you have to go for the things you really want, and know that it might work out or it might not. 🤷🏼♂️
I don’t believe people change or maybe they can but I can’t trust someone who does that. If you can, go for it but it will always be in back of your head “ hmmm I wonder if she’s with a man right now and not at work” too much stress guy, find a new one.
Downgraded to weekend fun only.
If she cheated in the past but everything else is great, I would trust but verify, and not take her seriously until she comes clean with it and we spend more time together. I would give her a chance because we all make mistakes, but because of that mistake, im putting up walls.
That all depends how great she is. If its not close to satisfaction, or if I see anything that gives me the solid impression she’s cheating, im out.
I’d need to know to the context, definitely a potential demotion though.
I cheated, and I can say as God is my witness I would never do it to anyone ever again. So, once a cheater always a cheater is not true. It all changes when you end up feeling consequences for it.
What shows growth to me, is being able to identify mistakes and talk about why it happened, the regrets, how one would’ve changed actions and what one is doing now to ensure it wouldn’t happen again.
If they cheated but try to hide it, to me you haven’t learned from it and are more likely to do it again. If you can talk about it and why you might ashamed or regret such actions I see growth
I’m a firm believer in every situation is different. Use discernment, but no human on earth is perfect….. But they could be perfect for and with you.
Oh man, cheating is complicated — context matters. I know a guy, divorced with two kids, now married again. He treats his new wife well, says he loves her, but still cheats whenever the chance comes up. He’s over 40. Some people just never change. That’s why I say: it depends.
She will tell you if she is serious because that’s a stain that’ll never wash out if you’re truly remorseful. I cheated once during a very toxic and unstable period of my life. It haunts me still, and it’s been years now. I told my current person before it got serious— I didn’t want that to be a secret. I want to take full accountability even if it makes love harder. Some can never trust you with that history and that’s understandable. Consequences are consequences, period.
I think the level of shame and guilt if one truly regrets it has a lot to do with whether they’ll repeat that mistake. I know I won’t.
Bail
Unless it was a super toxic situation, probably not. Cheaters will usually continue to cheat.
Once a cheater, always a cheater.
Run.
Honestly I wouldn’t be with her because it’s just a red flag of poor character I can’t really think of a justifiable scenario and I’d just expect when she gets upset or we have issues she will cheat before trying to really work it out. When looking for a relationship you want a person to be your rock in that relationship not just someone who is there when they’re happy
Doesn’t matter what qualities she has – as a man, I think the thought that she has cheated is always going to be in the back of your mind.
What makes you think youre the exception?
I wouldn’t waste my time.
Been there. Girl I really like was giving me big hints to make my move, like sending me lewd pics of herself in the tub. I found out she had a bf and she told me if I kissed her it wouldn’t be the first time she kissed a guy that wasn’t her bf. I basically did the Homer Simpson thing and sank into the bushes to get away from her.
Years later she’s outgrown being crazy and is married with two kids and is actually normal.
HARD PASS. RUN AWAY
Sorry but if she cheated I would realistically lose interest. I don’t care how into me she is, it’s one of my no gos when it comes to partners.
You found out? Who told you? What do they have to gain?
I would recommend speaking to her if you actually care and respect her. How you approach that conversation matters as well.
Enjoy the non-long-term relationship
> she’s great
No, she’s a cheater
> smart
No, she’s a cheater
>funny
Most women are not
>emotionally connected
How? She cheated!
No thank you.
I would need to know the reason she cheated and age she did. The way younger the better. I don’t think once a cheater always a cheater but is it worth the risk is the question
Walk away.
Its a no go zone for me.
What you ignore in the beginnong is what hurts ya the most in the end.
If someone who cheated on their partner would never be dateable again, the human race would end.
Been there already, It immediately ended my liking her. I can overlook alot thing’s, but cheating is not one of them.
There’s more to worry about than her cheating again.
If somehow you are able to get past it in your mind, if it ever does come back, it could come back as a permanent STD or possibly an issue with a stranger who she lied to about being married.
If you are talking a male partner, then same general issues. STD’s, insane women that they lie to, having a second family, possibly leaving you high and dry financially should you depend on him.
“never came clean about it” is the dealbreaker. The only way you can look past someone who cheated is if it happened once, a long time ago, when they were young, and they acknowledge it as a mistake and genuinely feel like shit about it.
That said, feel free to smash – just don’t expect it to go anywhere
Knowing now that a first time cheater is 3.4 times more likely to repeat. I would be very, very, worried about her doing it to me. 3.4 times equates to 340%. Get the full story from her and then verify first your own edification.
Some can and do change, but think about all that goes into cheating on a romantic partner. Get the full story of her life and past relationships.
Cheaters try to minimize their crime. As if cheating is only a messy thing that transpired. Instead of the actual emotional murder they committed on someone they professed to love.
To me only one type of infidelity could be considered a mistake or accidental at all. No, not getting drunk or using dope. An emotional affair brought on by being groomed.
Be careful. It is easy to tell us what we want to hear, but it is simply more lies.
She’s no longer worthy
Once a cheater, always a cheater. Shows she has no morals
Run away. “Once a cheater always a cheater” is always true.
Talk to her, hear what she says then make andecision
Friend zone only.
Context matters, Was the relationship already on its way out? Was it when she was way younger than now? Either way its something that merits a serious conversation
Past behavior is often indicative of future behavior.
A) ask her to elaborate on the messy stuff (if she lies, run)
B) if you want to be together, consider an open relationship. Some folks can’t do monogamy
I’m of the belief that people can change. Question is, has she changed? For example, there’s a difference between “I have a messy past” vs “I messed up and cheated in the past.”
Ya man that depends.
I am a reformed sinner. Done it all. For some ungodly reason, I have a beautiful wife that has reformed and trained me. So I can assure you, people change.
I think time and accountability are two really big factors here. I would bring it up to her. There is a chance she might shut your situation down on her own, but it’s better that you get it out of the way.
Not worthy
I dated a woman who was very up front very early on. She wanted me to know early so I could choose to leave if I wanted without getting too involved. She explained what happened, why it occurred, that she greatly regretted it, but would understand if I wanted to bail.
I needed time to process and think. I talked to a counselor who specializes in relationships and she said the difference here is she was open very early on in our relationship and openly regretted it, that it’d be worth the risk. And it has been.
That being said, you heard from someone else, I’m not sure how long you’ve been together, but the fact you had to hear it from someone else would give me great pause and likely want to bail. I would talk to her first though and find out from her about it.
These comments are fucking wild.
“oNcE a ChEaTeR aLwAyS a ChEaTeR” oh fuck right off you perfectionist purists. You really think life is that black and white? And no, I’m not saying any form of cheating is justified.
Is it something that should be discussed and thought through before moving forward with the relationship? Absolutely. But that’s a decision based on your feelings about the generalization of the cheating, not the person in front of you discussing their past and the specific context.
I’ve been on both sides of it, and it’s shitty on both sides of it. No getting around that. However holding someone’s past over them like you’re some holy walking on water partner is ridiculous.
I’m not proud of my infidelity however there was very specific context. Does it justify it or make it right based on my situation? Hell no. But my current partner understood me when I was honest with her about my past and I wouldn’t pretend like I’ve never made a mistake to give her a false impression of who she’s dating. My ex-wife cheated on me and while I couldn’t give you a legitimate reason for the why besides being drunk and not thinking, do I hold that over her now and warn all her potential suitors? Hell no. She’s a good woman who made a stupid decision. I believe she regrets it, just as I have mine, and wish her nothing but happiness in love and life moving forward.
People make mistakes, shit happens – and that’s in no way attempting to downplay the hurt and turmoil cheating can cause. But it shouldn’t be a death sentence for an individuals romantic future.
You should be mature enough and emotionally intelligent enough to realize your potential partner is being honest with you about their mistakes in their past and maybe focus on how they’re trying to start a relationship full of honesty and transparency with you. If you’re someone who hasn’t accepted that and wants to fault someone for their past decisions before you were even a twinkle in their eye…have fun with your cookie cutter partner fitting into your perfect little square. I’m sure life will go EXACTLY as you planned it, always does right?
EDIT – to clarify for many that seem to be picking and choosing specific sentences from my comment: I do not condone or feel any form of cheating is justifiable and I understand if learning that a potential partner was not loyal in their past would be a dealbreaker. However, once a cheater always a cheater* in itself, is a flawed sentiment. There are few (not none) contexts/examples where one can predict how another person will act in the future based on the past. If someone committing one mistake is large enough of an issue for you to disregard them as a potential partner for you, you have every right to that. However simply saying one mistake = a pattern is just simply not true. Stats/feelings/examples can absolutely point to this being something to avoid for you to make that decision, but it is not full proof.
Truthfully, it would generally depend on the person. People learn from that, question is, how do you know for sure that they did?
I am not continuing because she was not honest about it herself, getting details from third parties are signs she’s not the one.
Once a cheater, always a cheater. I would normally go by this standard but, if she cheated like 10+ years ago, and knows it was wrong, regrets it, and has matured as a person, and worked through her traumas and what caused her to behave that way and overcome it, then yeah maybe she’s worth giving a chance.
If it was literally her most recent relationship and it hasn’t been that long? Dude. Run. She’ll do it to you too. Cheating is never a mistake or an accident. It is a deliberate choice to betray the person who loves you. And if this girl can’t even own up to it or admit it? Nah. She’s for the streets.
I’d still date but ask for clarification. The lack of honesty/details seems a bit odd.
People change with time and people learn from mistakes, that’s what makes us human. I think it’s wrong to hold the past over someone’s head like that and to assume the same moving forward.
Further discussion regarding details and learned outcomes would better help you understand your feelings and if you think you want to end the relationship or continue to pursue it. The biggest factor is if a lesson was learned and regret is present, but don’t ever hold it over them or assume they will never change.
Id say she will probably cheat again but on the bright side shes probably great in bed and you can cheat too with no nagging.
once a cheater…She or he will cheat again.
Out
Be in a casual relationship and never commit. Old habits die hard.
Nah it’s different if she fesses up to it. Admits she was terrible for it and it’s unexcusable. And that’s no Longer her and shed never do it again. Maybe.
She hides it from me I’m out. Run dawg.
I ended up with my wife because she cheated on someone!
That was my ex. We were together 4 years, and split it off ultimately because her father didn’t want us to marry (which, in hindsight I don’t regret since I found better partners and my girlfriend now is much better).
Really depends on the person. It certainly was a red flag for me, but at the time I figured if she’s being honest with me she learned her lesson. I’d known at the time she was more laissez faire about sex and had her share of partners, but personality seemed to work and she seemed focused on getting a guy to settle down with. Definitely are women in mid 20s to 30s who run around and then decide they’ve had enough, just as there are men. Doesn’t thrill me, and doesn’t make me think it’s right. And while past behavior can be a predictor for future behavior, it’s certainly not a guarantee and people mature as they get older.
I wouldn’t outright write a woman off for it if they’re being honest. I’d just be wary and also clear eyed about it, and fit that into the overall package that is the person. Even with my ex, her lifestyle and goals in the long run weren’t the best suited for me, but she’s not some evil person. I don’t regret dating her- it didn’t work out and in hindsight it’s probably for the best it didn’t, but that’s not because she cheated on her boyfriend before me
Deal breaker. She will do it again.
Ask yourself 2 questions.
1-How likely will she do it again?
2-Am i fucking stupid?
I’m of the opinion that once a cheater, always a cheater. The only exception might be someone that cheated in a high school type relationship and then matured later and no understands that cheating isn’t acceptable behavior.
Walk away – if she cheated on someone else, why wouldn’t you expect it to happen to you. I’m not sticking around on the off chance shes changed. There are plenty of women out there.
Once a cheater always a cheater. Never trust a cheater.
Run
Smash and dash. She’s chosen her role in life and it’s not being an actual partner. Probably pretty skilled in some other areas though.
That’s how I’d play it at least. Who knows though. She may be a reformed POS. You never know until you know.
I would be sad for a minute after dumping her but I would get over it.
Conflicted by this one myself.
As a dude, I cheated on the two girlfriends that I’ve had. But I like to think I’m improving everyday and working through my traumas and beliefs. And the next relationship I will not enter unless I’m 100% I’m sticking to that person only and forever.
On the other hand… I would not trust somebody who’s told me they cheated before. Hypocritical I know, but it sadly the case. I would not trust someone like me.