What would you do if your thesis professor is being creepy?

r/

Hi Reddit,

I’m in a really difficult situation right now and could use some advice. I’m currently in a class where my professor has been crossing major boundaries, and I’m unsure of the best way to proceed.

Here’s the situation:

On the first day of class, I made a comment about “looking for him everywhere,” and he immediately misinterpreted this as me hitting on him. He proceeded to discuss this with a colleague and even joked about it behind my back, making comments about me possibly “hitting on him” in front of others. I felt uncomfortable but didn’t say anything at the time.

He was basically saying ‘i think she is hitting on me’ to the security lady and then she defended me by saying ‘this girl is just really nice to all professor. You’re like a father figure maybe?’ and then he said ‘so you’re saying she has daddy issues?’ I sat in class mortified until they both left.

Things took a turn for the worse when he heard me talking about my personality type (I mentioned being a “beta female” which was part of the material discussed), and he immediately asked, “Who is the alpha?” which felt very inappropriate, especially in a classroom setting.

Later, I overheard him talking to another faculty member and saying, “It’s turning me on, man, I can’t help it,” about me, referencing something very personal to me which is a health issue. At this point, I realized that his behavior wasn’t just awkward… it was becoming serious harassment.

Then, I made the mistake of mentioning to him that I was considering reporting him to the management. In response, he threatened to give me an F. I was completely shaken by this, as it felt like an attempt to silence me and retaliate for thinking of reporting him.

I eventually apologized for causing any issues, but now I’m terrified about how to handle this. He said he’ll give me a B if I don’t tell and I don’t want to fail. I don’t want to just let this go, but I’m also scared about what will happen if I do report him. Is there anything I can do at this point to ensure my academic future isn’t jeopardized? What steps should I take next to report this to the right people, and how can I protect myself from retaliation?

Has anyone dealt with something similar? I’d really appreciate any advice or support right now.

Thanks for listening.

Comments

  1. popstarkirbys Avatar

    Depends on where you’re at, in the US that’s title 9 territory and you should switch advisors.

  2. epidemilydickinson Avatar

    Write down every detail you can remember (when these things happened, where, who else was around, etc) and bring it to a meeting with the department chair or dean and file a title 9 report with your university. Ideally they will guide you through this, but keeping documentation of each instance will help protect you if he does decide to retaliate. Personally I would ask for written correspondence through email and record each conversation with him going forward — I’m in a one party consent state for recording, but if I wasn’t I would explicitly tell him I’d like to record conversations for my safety or ask that a third party sit in our meetings for protection based on his previous actions. I’m so so sorry you’re experiencing this.

  3. BeminDemin Avatar

    Report them to their superior and be prepared to go beyond the department to the administration. Had to do this when my dissertation advisor started undermining my dissertation and defense. Keep a paper trail if possible and provide the evidence with the accusations.

  4. LookAround-4 Avatar

    This is something to report. Does your school have a victim protection department? Or you can go to the Dean of Student Affairs. If your university is a legitimate institution, there are protections in place for students in this situation.
    He’s trying to scare you into being quiet by threatening the F, but you can get help dropping the class for a W or I and retaking with a different professor.
    Also, you should seek out a new thesis advisor/supervisor.

  5. ikennedy240 Avatar

    This is clear misconduct and this guy is out of line. I’m really sorry that you’re dealing with this.

    The other advice here is really good. All I want to add is a reminder that this isn’t your fault. This person has twisted your actions in unconscionable ways.

  6. Zarnong Avatar

    Find out what the audio recording laws are. If they are single party consent start recording. If you are in the US this is Title IX. The behavior is beyond unacceptable. Make sure you are not alone with him. Do not let him close the door to an office. Get him on tape saying he’s got the faculty on his side. (He likely does not). I’d suggest going straight to the title ix office with evidence.

  7. Away_Quality_4115 Avatar

    Don’t be silent, he might think that you are afraid of him, weak, or that you like it (men are di$ rty) and he is trying to actually har$ass you with actions, so take the advice in the comments and report him and ask that he be changed, and do not be in the position of the scared victim, be strong so that they do not try to make the matter forgotten

  8. ThoughtClearing Avatar

    His offering to change your grade depending on your behavior outside class strikes me as a particularly good bit to document, if possible. Telling you your grade depends on anything other than course work is a clear violation of professional standards. It’s way harder to say “she’s misinterpreting me.”

  9. Ok-Account-6826 Avatar

    This isn’t an answer to your question, but what is this person’s area of expertise? I’m trying to think of a context in which “beta female” makes sense in a class discussion. This guy sounds like a fraud.

  10. Salt-Television4394 Avatar

    I don’t know what to say except I am so so so sorry. Been through something similar, trust your gut.

  11. Deep_Blue66 Avatar

    Report to the Dean of Student life, Office of Student Services, or Human Resources Office. Not sure whether you are located in the United States.

  12. canneogen Avatar

    Isn’t this the default behavior?

  13. AbsurdRedundant Avatar

    Lawyer. Can’t afford one? Can’t afford to not get one.

    Nobody, but NOBODY, has your back. Complete power asymmetry.

    If you do anything, he’s going to be at least a potential threat. You need to be a bigger threat.

    Find an employment lawyer and get real advice.

  14. Comfortable_Art_1864 Avatar

    Ask for a new advisor. A lot of this seems like it can be misinterpreted so just say to ensure nobody is harmed you’re asking for a new advisor. Try not going into the details if you can.

  15. _themos_ Avatar

    I’m so sorry you have to deal with this. That kind of behavior from a faculty member (or anyone) is horrifying. This person is NOT a fit mentor for students and is abusing his position to intimidate you.

    I agree with the steps in some of the other comments: write everything down. This means the names of people who were involved. Dates if you can remember. Where things were. If you’re in the US, a Title IX office is bound by federal rules but serves the university lawyers. They want to help you, but they also run damage control. Go to the department head or go to the dean of students. They can shut this down much faster and shred him. They will likely send you to Title IX after talking with them, but once the school staff know, they will deal with that so much faster.

    Retaliation is an offense they can fire him for. They will tell you “it’s hard to prove” but the timeline of events is very obvious.

    Reach out to people who can support you (the security woman who stood up for you). If she is someone you can confide in AND has witnessed this behavior, keep her in the loop.

    Transparency is the enemy of bullies. The more people who are aware, the harder it is for him to fuck with you. I’m speaking from experience. It literally saved my degree from a former thesis advisor.

    Get a new advisor asap. If he’s willing to do this to you now, imagine what he will do behind your back. If you’re worried about your grade, the school can take steps to have accommodations made to ensure you can put your best foot forward and in cases like this will make exceptions (changing the class to Pass/fail, letting you finish it another semester with a different class, dropping assignments, extended deadlines, etc).

    Lastly, I believe in you! You have more courage than you know!

  16. justatourist823 Avatar

    As others have said, if you’re in the US go to your Title IX office NOW. It’s likely they’ll get you out of the class and will definitely get you another advisor and hopefully reprimand your current advisor. You may need to retake your course or work out some means to finish the course but a title IX coordinator can walk you through the process.

    If your not in the US, record everything and speak with a lawyer in your country.

  17. mringham Avatar

    Sending a PM with my experience and advice following a Title IX case I filed.

  18. iceybetty Avatar

    He has clearly disrespected you and tried to test your limits. I understand your concern right now but I encourage you to report him as soon as possible. This guy may act like nothing can threaten him but deep down he can’t live with the thought that others know what kind of person he is. I assume he has some narcissistic traits. If it’s right, being exposed is his biggest nightmare.

  19. cinderflight Avatar

    Please speak with the dean of your department & switch advisors asap. The longer you stay mentored under him, the higher the chances of his actions & behavior turning worse.

    For now ask someone to walk with you to your car/transit stop, purchase bear mace or model airplane spray (blinds & makes aggressors easy to identify!), and learn the route to your closest police station.

    Finally, this is going to be hard to hear, but tell your parents. As someone who went through a dangerous situation with a man, I understand that feeling of not wanting to tell because you are scared of breaking their hearts. But, right now, you need as much outside-academia support. Plus, your parents can make sure that you are safe and (heaven forbid) can notify the authorities asap if you get hurt.

  20. lilixxumm Avatar

    I can’t give any practical advice I’m afraid, but next time you mention to someone you want to report them, hit the record button on your phone first. Btw, I’ve recently learned that you can’t even smile around some men or they’ll think you’re hitting on them, fkn disgusting human beings 🤮