It wouldn’t change anything for me. We all have scars. Some more visible than others. Doesn’t change how lovable we are, doesn’t make us any less beautiful
Personally would be a dealbreaker unless person is currently getting treatment or is already in a way better mental place.
Important thing is that either it’s taken care of or the person on the journey to getting it taken care of, untreated mental illness is up there in terms of reasons that a relationship implodes
the scars themselves wouldn’t be an issue, but if the potential partner has untreated mental problems it could affect the relationship and that would be something to consider, just as it would be if they didn’t have scars.
Op. Life rolled you and that’s not your fault. The game isn’t easy and nobody comes out unscathed. A lot of people have just as many scars hidden inside. Self destruction is a very difficult stream to swim up. Those that know will see the warrior, not the past.
Id be a bit startled and worried and would try and make sure they dont get to a point like that again but make sure that the relationship doesnt become me emotionally supporting them.
They’re scars so they’re not active with SH. I would ask question from a place of caring and not judgmental. Help them if they had any remaining issues.
If they are old scars, I would think that they had clearly had some struggles earlier in life but had worked to overcome them and succeeded at that. I’s ask them the story and let them tell me when they were ready.
If they are fresh scars I would tell them that we couldn’t continue until they had received professional help and come at least six months without self harm. During that time I might be willing to support them as a friend but not as a romantic partner.
I would think they used to self harm, and wonder if they still did.
From there, for me, I’d want to better understand their mental state before committing to a romantic relationship. If these were scars from the past, I wouldn’t be worried about it. If they were recent (or worse, current) then I’d be more concerned about their well being over a romance.
I’ve been romantically interested in someone like this
I quietly let them know that I noticed they had these scars, that I’ve had people close to me go through similar situations, and that if they need to talk about anything, I’ll be there
Pretty sure we’re gonna just be friends, but if anything, self harm scars make me want to hold you and tell you everything will be okay (despite me also being depressed as shit lmao)
I’m not super sure. But I know I had visible, but oldish sh scars when I met my husband. We met when we were 18 and I think I stopped when I was 17. I got my first tattoo to cover them after I met him. You can still kind of tell but I felt better not having to see them myself.
He gave me a chance and we’ve talked about it a lot. We’ve been together almost 17 years now. I’ve sought out therapy and it has helped a ton. I think, for myself, seeing fresh sh wounds would be a lot more of a red flag. Well maybe not a red flag but like “you need to get better for yourself and I can’t be through this again.” I’ve had partners in the past that sh and it was so, so toxic. A lot of the time, I was the toxic partner. But I got better for myself and that allowed me to be okay for other people, I guess.
I have obvious self harm scars. My teens and very early 20s I cut myself. They’re clearly very faded at this point, but they’re there. The issues that caused them are done with and I’ve gone to therapy. I don’t feel like they have a lot of bearing on my ability to be a good partner now.
When I was 20 and they were relatively fresh? I could see not wanting to be with someone who was having such severe mental health problems if that wasn’t something you thought you were able to work on with them without overtaxing yourself. Not dating me then was pretty reasonable.
That being said, understand that if you just say “I don’t like your scars I don’t want to be with you” it will sound cruel no matter how you say it. If they revealed the scars and then you just dip, it will feel devastating. That’s not your responsibility, I’m just letting you know that there’s no nice way to say “Hey you’re going through a lot and I don’t like that” even if it’s a reasonable statement.
A lot of people have struggled at various points of their lives, so I wouldn’t see it as a problem. If you really care for them then strive to make sure they are the last such scars by treating them with love and thoughtfulness
If they’re fresh scars, I’d like to make sure they’re getting the help they need. If they’re old scars, I’d think they’re a badass who has survived some hard times.
I would think they had a past history of self harm like I do. It wouldn’t be anything new to me, and wouldn’t be a shock, surprise, or alarm. The human body comes with things and I’m here to enjoy it.
As long as they’ve worked on more healthy ways of dealing with their struggles such as therapy, it wouldn’t impact how I felt about them either emotionally or physically.
No partner I’ve had has ever said or thought much of mine, and they are incredibly noticeable due to a scarring disorder.
One is about a third of an inch thick, and goes 12 way around my forearm that’s impossible to hide, for example.
Now, would I be concerned their past issues weren’t under control? If it wasnt scars but scabbed? Would they be a risk to themselves? Would it be a consideration? Of course.
Just like anyone in any type of mental or substance rehab should avoid dating for a year past recovery… a potential partner should proceed with caution as well.
been there, their usually unhinged but i try to not add anymore i had a girl cut herself and say it was cause of me, nooo., never again. but i would always see one my of gfs wrists and she’d hide it and i just kiss them or idk hug her something cuz i did always feel bad that she had done that. prior to us meeting i didn’t even really find out till later
I have dealt with self harm, maybe not physical but omg was a hurting myself a lot. It doesn’t matter if someone has sh scars as long as they have healed from the mental illnesses that can cause them
Not much, theyre a strong person who still needs support. Im a strong person whod love to, its meaningless to me we all have injurys, weather mental or physical we all have baggage
damn i really needed to see this.. It’s nice to know there are people out there that wouldn’t mind. I have some very obvious scars that are three years old now and Ive been worried about how someone i’m getting emotionally involved with would react.. Ive been off of medication for close to one year and haven’t relapsed in almost three. I’m still trying to financially recoup but it’s nice to know that i’ve still got a fighting chance
My gf sh and it’s killed me for our entire relationship. We’ve been together for almost 3 years and she’s been doing much better and finally agreed to therapy last month. I’ve very proud of her for how far she’s come
Am someone with scars so can’t answer personally, but I’ve never had a partner be less interested in me due to them, possibly less attracted to that area but I can understand. My current partner calls me his tigress whenever I get self conscious, which I think is cheesy but adorable haha
Those are battle scars. Mental health is a battle. Those scars represent a time when their pain felt so great mentally that they were desperate to feel something…. anything. They crave any type of feeling besides numbness, so they make self- harm marks to feel something other then the toll that emotional and mental pain can take on the mind or the numbness it can create.
Those scars serve as reminders to learn that in spite of yourself, the body will still do everything in its power to live and survive.
like yourself and that you are worthy as a person. Scars are a reminder that your body will do anything and everything within it’s power to survive… Scars tell a story of survival.
I have self harm scars. My arm also has fresh scratches. I’m upfront with anyone who’s coming into my life and from there it’s left to them. If they choose to walk away and want nothing to do with it I respect that. It’s a lot for some people. I personally have to walk away from people with drug habits. Sounds hypocritical of me because we are both destroying ourselves one way or another but, my sister was an addict for a very long time and it’s not something I can personally do again. We all have our limits on what we can handle and what we can’t. You’re allowed your limit.. I personally would stay in their lives and try my best to love them. Sometimes the most beautiful love comes from the most damaged souls. I wish you luck.
Immediate dealbreaker. Look, I’m not exactly “sane” myself, but self harm is a particular flavor of insanity that I can neither comprehend nor tolerate. I realize you’re likely asking because you’re a self-harmer and that my response will likely trigger you or whatever, but it’s something of a rule in my life to censor myself as little as possible and to be fair to me, you DID ask.
I had one. Never bothered me. After our first time, she asked if I even felt some way about them, and I honestly didn’t. I felt really bad that she even asked. There were times where I’d even kiss them alongside the rest of her body, showing that I loved all of her with my heart and soul. She inspired the building blocks I forged to become a better version of myself. And though the love naturally died, my passive acknowledgement of her scars has remained to this day.
I 23M have self harm scars on thighs and arms, among other places. My fiance doesn’t care, a real partner supports you through mental health struggles and loves you for who you are
Allow me to answer with an anecdote. I prepped a specific day to be the day I committed suicide. Had everything set, I wasn’t going to fail a second time. Friend called me right before I went through with it and asked if I wanted to play some games with him. Figured why not, my plans aren’t going anywhere. And I just never got around to doing it. He knows now that in hindsight, he saved my life, but at the time, he was just being my friend.
I met and proposed to an amazing woman a few years later, and she decided our wedding day would be the same day I had set aside. Said friend was right beside me at the altar. Only those two people knew what that day meant to me, and they were both ecstatic to give it a new meaning, one of love and joy.
Visible scars just mean you had a hard life. The fact they’re scars means that you are still here, and that’s what’s most important. Nobody who loves you could ever be bothered by them.
My partner had HUNDREDS on his arm and leg. I loved him and found him beautiful and the scars made me a little sad at first to realize how many years of pain he’s gone through, but I genuinely didn’t care that he had them. He was the most gorgeous person I had ever met.
I would like them to be addressing the issue and seeking help, but the scars themselves wouldn’t be a problem. I have a bunch of surgery scars, so I don’t judge.
Some scars are on the surface, some are hidden deep. Both are equally damaging. Dont judge a book by its cover. All good books hold surprises, both good and bad
It depends on how fresh the scars are I guess, the past is the past and we all have our struggles.
If they are fresh then maybe we should see about getting them the help they need to love themselves before focusing on trying to love someone else. But we could absolutely do it together.
As the said partner with SH scars on my thighs and arms, I’m very very lucky to have a caring boyfriend that doesn’t give a flying fuck honestly. He’s never been bothered by them. Of course, he checks in once in a while and makes sure I don’t have the urges to do it again (we all know it’s addictive).
I’ve even asked him why he couldn’t go date a prettier girl who can wear shorts with no problem. He says that he doesn’t want a girl unless it’s me 😅
Bottomline: the right partner wouldn’t care, especially if they’re old scars. that being said, I think its unfair to your partner if you actively SH and make it their responsibility to make you feel more stable after, because they’re your partner, not your therapist.
As long as they’re getting help for their mental health and are keeping up with their treatments, I don’t see that as a reason to not date them. Yes, it’s a concern that could mean a possibly to relapse in the future but I personally don’t think the scars would cause any issues for me. If anything I’m concerned about possibly asking in an insensitive manner.
As someone who has these things and whose partner has seen and asked about them, it was almost a nonissue? Basically, just, ‘what’s that’ and ‘I’m glad you don’t really do it anymore’.
I actually really love how he reacts to my self harm. I stopped mostly after we got together, but I still do occasionally relapse in moments of incredible stress and panic. It’s nice to have someone who will still treat me normally after? A lot of people act like it’s a problem that “we must fix right now” but like occasionally relapsing is just a part of my reality right now.
And he’s the main reason I wanted to get better, because he loves and supports me; mental illness or not.
I mention this because self harm can be really ostracizing regardless of how old the scars are. I think it’s important to still love people even if they haven’t totally figured out their brain yet. A lot of people (like myself) can’t even get to a stable point without love or support of some kind.
Not saying you should jump into a relationship with someone obviously unstable, but to maybe give people with sh scars the benefit of a doubt first
My ex gf had them but she already told me about her past and she stopped long ago and was doing really well mentally. She ended up getting tattoos to cover them because she hated them but I never judged.
We all have baggage. That partner happens to be wearing her baggage on her arm/thigh. It means nothing. Of course, it can’t be an ongoing thing while we’re together.
Everyone struggles, and everyone copes with their struggles differently. I would never judge someone for the struggles they’ve overcome or how they chose to deal with them. My only hope would be that they feel safe enough with me to be vulnerable, open, and honest about what goes on in the depths of their mind so that I can be supportive in every way possible.
Scars, both visible and not, are beautiful. They are a marker of the life experiences that make us who we are today. Even if they’re from a terrible experience, they are proof that we survived.
I think you’d have to be a real asshole to care about it, in which case those people filter themselves out for you.
I would consider it a privilege if one felt comfortable enough to share such an intimate detail about themselves with me if I were romantically interested in said person.
Concern and worry.
Are they still doing self harm? If no it’s ok.
But I an simply not ready for a relationship which one side needs to step on eggs for fear of triggering the other.
Always be on the look out or else you get blindsided with a suicide attempt.
The self harm is just a small part of a whole lot of problems.
That is far too much investment for someone I don’t even know.
To me it doesn’t really matter- as long as that person is actively working on their mental health- going to therapy etc. I had a history of it myself, but the scars are really only visible if you’re looking for them (I’ve got that translucent-ass pale skin and scar white).
People come from different backgrounds, and have gone through things we can’t imagine- somebody with scars may be a healthier partner than someone without. Their body got them through whatever it was, and is taking care of them now. That’s what matters- not skin damage.
Only issue would be behaviors like “if you do (x) I’ll start cutting again”. That’s just toxic and manipulative.
If they have recent cuts/scabs/scars, as long as they’re going to therapy and actively working to stop, it doesn’t affect whether or not I’d want to be with them.
From what I’ve been able to gather from this thread is that, For most people, if they find any evidence of previous mental illness in a potential partner, they’d likely be empathetic n all, but wouldn’t wanna ensue a serious relationship with them, even if it seems they’re through their tough times.
Why’s that?
Isn’t all YA fiction, steamy love stories, and esp women’s fiction all about a ‘broken guy who’s mad successful but has a serious crisis himself or a close family member’?
Literally every single girl i have dated has either self harmed during the relationship or has scars. You just have to accept them for who they are and make sure they trust you and understand that you do like them and not let them fall back into old habits.
They’re not any less of a person for having gone through depression and suicidal tendencies.
I would think “I am sure I have a lot to learn about this person”
and then hope that things go well enough that they trust me enough to tell me about that part of their life while I love & accept them.
Their past will always be valid, but I would hope it’s not part of the future for my a potential romantic partner, personally.
as someone who has obvious ones, now old enough that i forget about them entirely most times: my partner doesn’t care. they love me, not despite my scars, but with them as everything else that’s a part of me. the right person will feel that way about yours.
semi-related, in recent years i’ve gotten comfortable discussing my scars or showing them to people if it’s situationally appropriate, and in doing so i’ve found a lot of people respond by showing me theirs— even people i would never expect to relate, or whose scars weren’t visible until they were pointed out. that is to say, it’s more common than you might realize. we all have scars in some form, and anyone who is worth your time and love won’t judge you for the form yours take.
nothing particular, a potential partner with scares from anything gets the same amount of love and affection as any other potential partner (unless they request otherwise)
No, self harm scars wouldn’t be a deal breaker what so ever. What had caused them could be an issue, if they haven’t been resolved.
I’ve never seen people with SH scars as different or less as people. My best friend has been diagnosed with a lot of mental health problems, and as a consequence has Sh scars and other issues. And I’ve help him as much as I can, and still continue to do it.
And I can say, I wouldn’t get into a relationship with a person like that, especially if they don’t work on their problems. And it’s not because I don’t love them, but because it’s exhausting. And that doesn’t sound like a healthy relationship to me.
Tell them the scars make me think theyre more beautiful because theyre a survivor get them to or try to (i dont force anything organic is best) about why they have those scars and just hug them the whole time and try my best to listen and dont do the im sorry or everything will be fine routine just nod your head go mhm make sure they know your listening but wait until they finish then say im so sorry but only once and hug them tighter and tell them you love them with all your heart and its ok now because you have them and you wont let it happen again
Scars are irrelevant, what matters is if the individual is taking care of their mental health in the present. I have self harm scars and I hope nobody would judge me for them. Especially because I’m doing my best to take care of my mental health now so as to not affect anyone in my life negatively.
I mean, I saw them and still married him, so honestly – nothing. They’re part of who that person is, and if you want them to be your partner, you accept them scars and all.
At most, I’d be concerned about if they have help/need help if the scars are fresh. (caveat: help is not me. I am a support, help is professional and trained)
I’m someone with self harm scars and my girlfriend doesn’t have scars but also has a history of self harm. We’re just survivors. I will say to anyone who sees someone with self harm scars, please try not to commit on it unless they bring it up! The worst part about having self harm scars for me (and also what pushed me to use prescription drugs to self harm and almost killing myself with them) was people commenting on them. Ignore them please! Most of us want you to ignore them. I know some people love the kisses and the affirmation but a lot of us just want to leave that portion of our lives behind
And another thing: self harm is an addiction. If someone relapses, it’s not their fault. It’s a really hard habit to break. I’ve been trying to break it for over a decade. I haven’t been suicidal in years but often times I’ll feel a certain way and it triggers the need to self harm (btw, self harming and suicidal ideation are not always related. Just because someone self harms doesn’t mean they’re suicidal). If you want to be with someone with a history of self harm, you need to make sure you can handle that. Yes it’s each individuals job to help themselves, but it’s also your job to recognize if your presence in someone’s life is going to make that harder
My partner has some on his arm. He’s better at mental health self-care now than he was then. That’s what matters. I’m happy to support him because he also looks after me. The relationship isn’t one-sided nurturing, so it’s absolutely not a deal breaker. I also had some reckless habits in the past so I can’t judge. Mine just didn’t leave scars.
ive never had anyone have a problem with mine tbh. they usually ignore them until i point them out and they say they dont care or make an “extra grip” joke
It’s not a deal breaker, but it needs to be a conversation.
My wife ended up in a mental hospital for suicidal thoughts just a few weeks after she and I started seeing each other. Turns out she has auditory hallucinations when her mental health declines. I don’t know why I didn’t run, but I didn’t. And 25 years later, here we are.
I’d think that’s part of their background. I don’t mind scars but I’d try to find our how they figured in their life, values and personality. I don’t mind a troubled past but someone who’s self-harming is a great responsibility to be with. In the end I suppose it would boil down to whether I loved her or not.
Hi! I’m 23M and have scars on various parts of my arms torso!
I’m in a relationship now, but when I was regularly going on dates I would make it a point to dress so that the ones on my lower arm showed – not in a “look at me” way but a “private, but not secret” manner.
No girl ever brought it up on the first or second dates, but the ones i did end up seeing more seriously would say that they did notice then, but didn’t want to pry.
I had done a lot of self work to get to a better space mentally, and felt that it was important that any potential partners were comfortable with this area of my life/experience!
There is obviously a lot of taboo around SH, but it CAN serve as a sort of litmus test for how comfy people are with mental health as a conversation topic. I don’t know if I was ever discounted as a partner because of them, but if I was, that’s completely fair, and we wouldn’t have been a good fit anyways! If anything, I think it sometimes worked in my favour as it was ‘proof’ that I was ‘mental health-literate’ to my dates, although I appreciate that as a straight-performing male in a more liberal demographic this was a unique dynamic.
Now, I don’t want this to be mistaken for romanticizing SH. I was in a horrible mental state, struggling to survive, and would never wish to return. But it is part of my story as a person, and because of that I accept them as part of me – they’re not good, they’re not bad, they simply ‘are’. (It can be easy to fall into the trap of attaching morality to yourself, e.g. “I shouldn’t have done that, I’m a bad/weak/useless person” but if you find yourself doing this, try to be gentle with yourself! Life is complicated, life is hard. You owe it to yourself to try not make it any harder)
Sorry, I waffled a bit there. To answer your question, I think there are three points I’d say might be worth considering:
Where are you now in regards to mental health? You don’t have to be the spot-clean healthiest a human has ever been, but it’s important to be able to say (and more importantly, follow through with) “this is what happened, and this is what I’m doing to manage the set of feelings/actions that took me there.” Healing is a personal journey, and whilst a partner can help, the work has to be self-motivated! E.g. if you are falling backwards and your partner were to ask “how can I help?”, would you be able to give them an answer?
Similiar to 1, how willing/ able would you be able to talk about it? Chances are, if your partner found out about your scars, they might ask you about it. Are you okay with being honest and upfront about why/what drove you there? It’s okay if the answer is “I’m not comfortable to talk about it right now, but maybe if this relationship gets more serious”, but really make sure you’ve done enough work to be able to talk about it maturely and openly
Don’t make a big deal about it right out the gate. Now, don’t shy away from the topic if it comes up, but if you’re still just getting to know each other, it’s okay not to bring it up just yet!
I say this because there’s a risk that if things don’t work out in that initial stage, you might think “it’s because of my SH that it didn’t work out” when in reality the spark just wasn’t there, and your self esteem might take a big hit. It’s might also be quite a heavy topic for your partner on a first/second date, and you wouldn’t wanna overwhelm them
TLDR
Ultimately, to most compatible partners, scars will be like any other emotional baggage. Something they’d want to be aware of, and something they’d be curious to talk to you about. You can’t control if someone doesn’t like them (triggers, taboo, etc.), but it IS your responsibility to be honest and open with communicating, and actively recovering/maintaining your emotional wellbeing.
They are usually hidden. I think that would be a sign of trust if you get to see them. Try not to judge harshly. Have you walked a mile in her shoes?
Just my opinion
It would depend how old they are. If they’re fresh(ish) I’d try to have a conversation about it, and probably no longer be interested in a romantic relationship at that time. If they’re old I might let them come to me with that story, or ask them about it if we started talking about scars.
My husband was incredibly kind and caring about my fading SH scars. I can’t even see them now, but when we first got together I was really nervous about him seeing my thighs. I don’t remember the exact conversation, but he listened and didn’t judge.
If they’re new or still unhealed scar tissue? Ask as an active mental disorder is at play.
Experience: I self harmed from 12 years old till 23. Extensive scarring. When I gave birth at 31, nurse commented “Oh? You are a cutter?” and it was like someone pointing out in a ROOM FULL OF PEOPLE past battles as my daughter is being born. *Another nurse and my husband immediately stepped in.
Comments
“they’ve gone through hard times, as have I”
It wouldn’t change anything for me. We all have scars. Some more visible than others. Doesn’t change how lovable we are, doesn’t make us any less beautiful
Clearly they need extra kisses.
I’d want to check that they have since dealt with their mental health issues.
It would just take understanding
Personally would be a dealbreaker unless person is currently getting treatment or is already in a way better mental place.
Important thing is that either it’s taken care of or the person on the journey to getting it taken care of, untreated mental illness is up there in terms of reasons that a relationship implodes
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I would have someone to identify with because I have them mostly on my wrists.
the scars themselves wouldn’t be an issue, but if the potential partner has untreated mental problems it could affect the relationship and that would be something to consider, just as it would be if they didn’t have scars.
‘Look at this amazing warrior. We have the same scars’
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Op. Life rolled you and that’s not your fault. The game isn’t easy and nobody comes out unscathed. A lot of people have just as many scars hidden inside. Self destruction is a very difficult stream to swim up. Those that know will see the warrior, not the past.
Scars are better than a pristine corpse.
I’d think I need to be extra-gentle with them, because other people probably haven’t been.
I’d be really glad they made it through.
Been through some stuff help them learn to love life again
No idea. I’m glad you saved all that time though by just typing initials though.
Id be a bit startled and worried and would try and make sure they dont get to a point like that again but make sure that the relationship doesnt become me emotionally supporting them.
They’re scars so they’re not active with SH. I would ask question from a place of caring and not judgmental. Help them if they had any remaining issues.
No longer a potential romantic partner
If they are old scars, I would think that they had clearly had some struggles earlier in life but had worked to overcome them and succeeded at that. I’s ask them the story and let them tell me when they were ready.
If they are fresh scars I would tell them that we couldn’t continue until they had received professional help and come at least six months without self harm. During that time I might be willing to support them as a friend but not as a romantic partner.
I’d be glad I had them now.
They need extra love and hugs and cuddles
I would think they used to self harm, and wonder if they still did.
From there, for me, I’d want to better understand their mental state before committing to a romantic relationship. If these were scars from the past, I wouldn’t be worried about it. If they were recent (or worse, current) then I’d be more concerned about their well being over a romance.
That they’ve been through some shit. Who hasn’t?
I’ve been romantically interested in someone like this
I quietly let them know that I noticed they had these scars, that I’ve had people close to me go through similar situations, and that if they need to talk about anything, I’ll be there
Pretty sure we’re gonna just be friends, but if anything, self harm scars make me want to hold you and tell you everything will be okay (despite me also being depressed as shit lmao)
Hot
Hug them
I’m not super sure. But I know I had visible, but oldish sh scars when I met my husband. We met when we were 18 and I think I stopped when I was 17. I got my first tattoo to cover them after I met him. You can still kind of tell but I felt better not having to see them myself.
He gave me a chance and we’ve talked about it a lot. We’ve been together almost 17 years now. I’ve sought out therapy and it has helped a ton. I think, for myself, seeing fresh sh wounds would be a lot more of a red flag. Well maybe not a red flag but like “you need to get better for yourself and I can’t be through this again.” I’ve had partners in the past that sh and it was so, so toxic. A lot of the time, I was the toxic partner. But I got better for myself and that allowed me to be okay for other people, I guess.
Depends on what you mean.
I have obvious self harm scars. My teens and very early 20s I cut myself. They’re clearly very faded at this point, but they’re there. The issues that caused them are done with and I’ve gone to therapy. I don’t feel like they have a lot of bearing on my ability to be a good partner now.
When I was 20 and they were relatively fresh? I could see not wanting to be with someone who was having such severe mental health problems if that wasn’t something you thought you were able to work on with them without overtaxing yourself. Not dating me then was pretty reasonable.
That being said, understand that if you just say “I don’t like your scars I don’t want to be with you” it will sound cruel no matter how you say it. If they revealed the scars and then you just dip, it will feel devastating. That’s not your responsibility, I’m just letting you know that there’s no nice way to say “Hey you’re going through a lot and I don’t like that” even if it’s a reasonable statement.
I would think that they went through some hard shit and they pushed through. I’d be proud of them for being a badass.
Wouldn’t care.
They were vulnerable at some point in their life and now needs extra care and love.
That was like half of my high school hookups
I would ask if I can compare mine to hers.
I would love them all the more, to train them to love themselves. It’s what they deserve. It’s what everyone deserves.
A lot of people have struggled at various points of their lives, so I wouldn’t see it as a problem. If you really care for them then strive to make sure they are the last such scars by treating them with love and thoughtfulness
I’d be sad.
If they’re fresh scars, I’d like to make sure they’re getting the help they need. If they’re old scars, I’d think they’re a badass who has survived some hard times.
Topic for discussion, then alert them that I process everything through a lens of very dark humor. We all have a way of coping
I would think they had a past history of self harm like I do. It wouldn’t be anything new to me, and wouldn’t be a shock, surprise, or alarm. The human body comes with things and I’m here to enjoy it.
As long as they’ve worked on more healthy ways of dealing with their struggles such as therapy, it wouldn’t impact how I felt about them either emotionally or physically.
I think scars are sexy so I’d be down.
No partner I’ve had has ever said or thought much of mine, and they are incredibly noticeable due to a scarring disorder.
One is about a third of an inch thick, and goes 12 way around my forearm that’s impossible to hide, for example.
Now, would I be concerned their past issues weren’t under control? If it wasnt scars but scabbed? Would they be a risk to themselves? Would it be a consideration? Of course.
Just like anyone in any type of mental or substance rehab should avoid dating for a year past recovery… a potential partner should proceed with caution as well.
But only scars? No.
been there, their usually unhinged but i try to not add anymore i had a girl cut herself and say it was cause of me, nooo., never again. but i would always see one my of gfs wrists and she’d hide it and i just kiss them or idk hug her something cuz i did always feel bad that she had done that. prior to us meeting i didn’t even really find out till later
Solidarity. I also carry reminders of my darkest days, written on my flesh. We’re still here 💜
Likely some freaky sex.
I have dealt with self harm, maybe not physical but omg was a hurting myself a lot. It doesn’t matter if someone has sh scars as long as they have healed from the mental illnesses that can cause them
Not a big deal to me. I used to do similar stuff. So it’s not like I don’t understand.
My current gf have them and after she stopped making new ones they stopped being a problem and today i dont even notice them most times
I would think they’d been through some shit. Most of the people I’ve dated have been. I mean, that’s just my peer group.
Not much, theyre a strong person who still needs support. Im a strong person whod love to, its meaningless to me we all have injurys, weather mental or physical we all have baggage
damn i really needed to see this.. It’s nice to know there are people out there that wouldn’t mind. I have some very obvious scars that are three years old now and Ive been worried about how someone i’m getting emotionally involved with would react.. Ive been off of medication for close to one year and haven’t relapsed in almost three. I’m still trying to financially recoup but it’s nice to know that i’ve still got a fighting chance
We all have a past. Some darker than others. But what really matters is who you are Today.
Vertical or horizontal?
That we have something in common 🤷♂️ everyone has a history before they meet you. Those histories leave all sorts of scars, physical and otherwise.
i’d probably feel closer to them since i used to SH as well. i’d make sure they knew im there for them
It happened. I grey up during the “emo era” it was and I’m sure still is something that happens. Now they’re still here. That’s what matters.
My gf sh and it’s killed me for our entire relationship. We’ve been together for almost 3 years and she’s been doing much better and finally agreed to therapy last month. I’ve very proud of her for how far she’s come
That they were a warrior who had overcome some intense shit and made it to the other side. Never be ashamed of your scars, even self inflicted ones.
Am someone with scars so can’t answer personally, but I’ve never had a partner be less interested in me due to them, possibly less attracted to that area but I can understand. My current partner calls me his tigress whenever I get self conscious, which I think is cheesy but adorable haha
Hard pass
My wife cut herself while we dated and I’d have to forcibly check her for scars. The best line I ever used was “hmm… not your best work”
Those are battle scars. Mental health is a battle. Those scars represent a time when their pain felt so great mentally that they were desperate to feel something…. anything. They crave any type of feeling besides numbness, so they make self- harm marks to feel something other then the toll that emotional and mental pain can take on the mind or the numbness it can create.
Those scars serve as reminders to learn that in spite of yourself, the body will still do everything in its power to live and survive.
like yourself and that you are worthy as a person. Scars are a reminder that your body will do anything and everything within it’s power to survive… Scars tell a story of survival.
The people that think that people that dealt with depression are problems do not deserve them
How old are they?
Edit: The scars. How old are the scars?
I have self harm scars. My arm also has fresh scratches. I’m upfront with anyone who’s coming into my life and from there it’s left to them. If they choose to walk away and want nothing to do with it I respect that. It’s a lot for some people. I personally have to walk away from people with drug habits. Sounds hypocritical of me because we are both destroying ourselves one way or another but, my sister was an addict for a very long time and it’s not something I can personally do again. We all have our limits on what we can handle and what we can’t. You’re allowed your limit.. I personally would stay in their lives and try my best to love them. Sometimes the most beautiful love comes from the most damaged souls. I wish you luck.
That they’ve been through some traumatic experiences that should be taken into consideration when interacting with them.
A body without scars is like a canvas without paint
I wouldn’t be bothered but aware of possibly some past trauma or depression. It would come up in conversation but not in any aggressive manner.
Immediate dealbreaker. Look, I’m not exactly “sane” myself, but self harm is a particular flavor of insanity that I can neither comprehend nor tolerate. I realize you’re likely asking because you’re a self-harmer and that my response will likely trigger you or whatever, but it’s something of a rule in my life to censor myself as little as possible and to be fair to me, you DID ask.
Couldn’t do it. A part of me would always feel like I’m taking advantage of a broken person.
I had one. Never bothered me. After our first time, she asked if I even felt some way about them, and I honestly didn’t. I felt really bad that she even asked. There were times where I’d even kiss them alongside the rest of her body, showing that I loved all of her with my heart and soul. She inspired the building blocks I forged to become a better version of myself. And though the love naturally died, my passive acknowledgement of her scars has remained to this day.
I’d think “same”
That they are the real ones who came through some deep shit. They are stronger than you realize and are the type of person who will stick by you
And every scar sits like a marker
Every line on the face is a small souvenir
Of all the places be they good or be they bad
That we stopped into on the journey to here
Well I need to take care of them extra lovingly
My wife has scars and she’s definitely not who she use to be
My husband didn’t seem to think it was an issue, just that it meant he had to be extra vigilant to be supportive of me
That we’ve both been through hell.
I 23M have self harm scars on thighs and arms, among other places. My fiance doesn’t care, a real partner supports you through mental health struggles and loves you for who you are
Allow me to answer with an anecdote. I prepped a specific day to be the day I committed suicide. Had everything set, I wasn’t going to fail a second time. Friend called me right before I went through with it and asked if I wanted to play some games with him. Figured why not, my plans aren’t going anywhere. And I just never got around to doing it. He knows now that in hindsight, he saved my life, but at the time, he was just being my friend.
I met and proposed to an amazing woman a few years later, and she decided our wedding day would be the same day I had set aside. Said friend was right beside me at the altar. Only those two people knew what that day meant to me, and they were both ecstatic to give it a new meaning, one of love and joy.
Visible scars just mean you had a hard life. The fact they’re scars means that you are still here, and that’s what’s most important. Nobody who loves you could ever be bothered by them.
I always kiss my girlfriends arms like Gomez does to his wife Morticia because of it.
My partner had HUNDREDS on his arm and leg. I loved him and found him beautiful and the scars made me a little sad at first to realize how many years of pain he’s gone through, but I genuinely didn’t care that he had them. He was the most gorgeous person I had ever met.
I would like them to be addressing the issue and seeking help, but the scars themselves wouldn’t be a problem. I have a bunch of surgery scars, so I don’t judge.
Most of the people i have dated had some form of SH scars somewhere on them.
Some scars are on the surface, some are hidden deep. Both are equally damaging. Dont judge a book by its cover. All good books hold surprises, both good and bad
It depends on how fresh the scars are I guess, the past is the past and we all have our struggles.
If they are fresh then maybe we should see about getting them the help they need to love themselves before focusing on trying to love someone else. But we could absolutely do it together.
I would want to know what was going on for them, and probably give them a hug.
As the said partner with SH scars on my thighs and arms, I’m very very lucky to have a caring boyfriend that doesn’t give a flying fuck honestly. He’s never been bothered by them. Of course, he checks in once in a while and makes sure I don’t have the urges to do it again (we all know it’s addictive).
I’ve even asked him why he couldn’t go date a prettier girl who can wear shorts with no problem. He says that he doesn’t want a girl unless it’s me 😅
Bottomline: the right partner wouldn’t care, especially if they’re old scars. that being said, I think its unfair to your partner if you actively SH and make it their responsibility to make you feel more stable after, because they’re your partner, not your therapist.
I think anal is on the table.
As long as they’re getting help for their mental health and are keeping up with their treatments, I don’t see that as a reason to not date them. Yes, it’s a concern that could mean a possibly to relapse in the future but I personally don’t think the scars would cause any issues for me. If anything I’m concerned about possibly asking in an insensitive manner.
As someone who has these things and whose partner has seen and asked about them, it was almost a nonissue? Basically, just, ‘what’s that’ and ‘I’m glad you don’t really do it anymore’.
I actually really love how he reacts to my self harm. I stopped mostly after we got together, but I still do occasionally relapse in moments of incredible stress and panic. It’s nice to have someone who will still treat me normally after? A lot of people act like it’s a problem that “we must fix right now” but like occasionally relapsing is just a part of my reality right now.
And he’s the main reason I wanted to get better, because he loves and supports me; mental illness or not.
I mention this because self harm can be really ostracizing regardless of how old the scars are. I think it’s important to still love people even if they haven’t totally figured out their brain yet. A lot of people (like myself) can’t even get to a stable point without love or support of some kind.
Not saying you should jump into a relationship with someone obviously unstable, but to maybe give people with sh scars the benefit of a doubt first
My ex gf had them but she already told me about her past and she stopped long ago and was doing really well mentally. She ended up getting tattoos to cover them because she hated them but I never judged.
We all have baggage. That partner happens to be wearing her baggage on her arm/thigh. It means nothing. Of course, it can’t be an ongoing thing while we’re together.
Would be concerned for their safety, but it wouldn’t bother me.
Mega pass.
Ik it be gripping
I have scars in my arms and legs and I’ve never had a romantic partner care.
Wouldn’t bother me. I would be sure they are taking their medications if they’re taking any.
Everyone struggles, and everyone copes with their struggles differently. I would never judge someone for the struggles they’ve overcome or how they chose to deal with them. My only hope would be that they feel safe enough with me to be vulnerable, open, and honest about what goes on in the depths of their mind so that I can be supportive in every way possible.
Scars, both visible and not, are beautiful. They are a marker of the life experiences that make us who we are today. Even if they’re from a terrible experience, they are proof that we survived.
I think you’d have to be a real asshole to care about it, in which case those people filter themselves out for you.
I would consider it a privilege if one felt comfortable enough to share such an intimate detail about themselves with me if I were romantically interested in said person.
Concern and worry.
Are they still doing self harm? If no it’s ok.
But I an simply not ready for a relationship which one side needs to step on eggs for fear of triggering the other.
Always be on the look out or else you get blindsided with a suicide attempt.
The self harm is just a small part of a whole lot of problems.
That is far too much investment for someone I don’t even know.
I’d mostly be neutral about it and be ready to offer support whenever necessary to them
To me it doesn’t really matter- as long as that person is actively working on their mental health- going to therapy etc. I had a history of it myself, but the scars are really only visible if you’re looking for them (I’ve got that translucent-ass pale skin and scar white).
People come from different backgrounds, and have gone through things we can’t imagine- somebody with scars may be a healthier partner than someone without. Their body got them through whatever it was, and is taking care of them now. That’s what matters- not skin damage.
Only issue would be behaviors like “if you do (x) I’ll start cutting again”. That’s just toxic and manipulative.
If they have recent cuts/scabs/scars, as long as they’re going to therapy and actively working to stop, it doesn’t affect whether or not I’d want to be with them.
It would be a major red flag and I wouldn’t continue to pursue a relationship with them.
I have a question.
From what I’ve been able to gather from this thread is that, For most people, if they find any evidence of previous mental illness in a potential partner, they’d likely be empathetic n all, but wouldn’t wanna ensue a serious relationship with them, even if it seems they’re through their tough times.
Why’s that?
Isn’t all YA fiction, steamy love stories, and esp women’s fiction all about a ‘broken guy who’s mad successful but has a serious crisis himself or a close family member’?
How’d it all add up?
Literally every single girl i have dated has either self harmed during the relationship or has scars. You just have to accept them for who they are and make sure they trust you and understand that you do like them and not let them fall back into old habits.
They’re not any less of a person for having gone through depression and suicidal tendencies.
They need more hugs and kisses and shit
I wouldn’t bring it up. But at no point does it ever change anything
It may raise some questions if not previously discussed but most likely it’s not my business unless they want it to be
They have a traumatic past and might need extra care and patience from me. They survived dark times and it’s not something to hold against them.
I would think “I am sure I have a lot to learn about this person”
and then hope that things go well enough that they trust me enough to tell me about that part of their life while I love & accept them.
Their past will always be valid, but I would hope it’s not part of the future for my a potential romantic partner, personally.
as someone who has obvious ones, now old enough that i forget about them entirely most times: my partner doesn’t care. they love me, not despite my scars, but with them as everything else that’s a part of me. the right person will feel that way about yours.
semi-related, in recent years i’ve gotten comfortable discussing my scars or showing them to people if it’s situationally appropriate, and in doing so i’ve found a lot of people respond by showing me theirs— even people i would never expect to relate, or whose scars weren’t visible until they were pointed out. that is to say, it’s more common than you might realize. we all have scars in some form, and anyone who is worth your time and love won’t judge you for the form yours take.
wishing you love and light 🫶
nothing particular, a potential partner with scares from anything gets the same amount of love and affection as any other potential partner (unless they request otherwise)
No, self harm scars wouldn’t be a deal breaker what so ever. What had caused them could be an issue, if they haven’t been resolved.
I’ve never seen people with SH scars as different or less as people. My best friend has been diagnosed with a lot of mental health problems, and as a consequence has Sh scars and other issues. And I’ve help him as much as I can, and still continue to do it.
And I can say, I wouldn’t get into a relationship with a person like that, especially if they don’t work on their problems. And it’s not because I don’t love them, but because it’s exhausting. And that doesn’t sound like a healthy relationship to me.
Tell them the scars make me think theyre more beautiful because theyre a survivor get them to or try to (i dont force anything organic is best) about why they have those scars and just hug them the whole time and try my best to listen and dont do the im sorry or everything will be fine routine just nod your head go mhm make sure they know your listening but wait until they finish then say im so sorry but only once and hug them tighter and tell them you love them with all your heart and its ok now because you have them and you wont let it happen again
Scars are irrelevant, what matters is if the individual is taking care of their mental health in the present. I have self harm scars and I hope nobody would judge me for them. Especially because I’m doing my best to take care of my mental health now so as to not affect anyone in my life negatively.
I mean, I saw them and still married him, so honestly – nothing. They’re part of who that person is, and if you want them to be your partner, you accept them scars and all.
At most, I’d be concerned about if they have help/need help if the scars are fresh. (caveat: help is not me. I am a support, help is professional and trained)
I’m someone with self harm scars and my girlfriend doesn’t have scars but also has a history of self harm. We’re just survivors. I will say to anyone who sees someone with self harm scars, please try not to commit on it unless they bring it up! The worst part about having self harm scars for me (and also what pushed me to use prescription drugs to self harm and almost killing myself with them) was people commenting on them. Ignore them please! Most of us want you to ignore them. I know some people love the kisses and the affirmation but a lot of us just want to leave that portion of our lives behind
And another thing: self harm is an addiction. If someone relapses, it’s not their fault. It’s a really hard habit to break. I’ve been trying to break it for over a decade. I haven’t been suicidal in years but often times I’ll feel a certain way and it triggers the need to self harm (btw, self harming and suicidal ideation are not always related. Just because someone self harms doesn’t mean they’re suicidal). If you want to be with someone with a history of self harm, you need to make sure you can handle that. Yes it’s each individuals job to help themselves, but it’s also your job to recognize if your presence in someone’s life is going to make that harder
Depends. If they are old, maybe telling them you’re glad they won that battle. If they are ongoing, it’s best they seek help
It wouldn’t bother me.
My partner has some on his arm. He’s better at mental health self-care now than he was then. That’s what matters. I’m happy to support him because he also looks after me. The relationship isn’t one-sided nurturing, so it’s absolutely not a deal breaker. I also had some reckless habits in the past so I can’t judge. Mine just didn’t leave scars.
They went through some shit and came through on the other side. They deserve a lot of credit for overcoming their issues.
Scars mean you’re real.
ive never had anyone have a problem with mine tbh. they usually ignore them until i point them out and they say they dont care or make an “extra grip” joke
It’s not a deal breaker, but it needs to be a conversation.
My wife ended up in a mental hospital for suicidal thoughts just a few weeks after she and I started seeing each other. Turns out she has auditory hallucinations when her mental health declines. I don’t know why I didn’t run, but I didn’t. And 25 years later, here we are.
I have SH scars and it never bothered any partner I’ve been with
I’d think that’s part of their background. I don’t mind scars but I’d try to find our how they figured in their life, values and personality. I don’t mind a troubled past but someone who’s self-harming is a great responsibility to be with. In the end I suppose it would boil down to whether I loved her or not.
Hi! I’m 23M and have scars on various parts of my arms torso!
I’m in a relationship now, but when I was regularly going on dates I would make it a point to dress so that the ones on my lower arm showed – not in a “look at me” way but a “private, but not secret” manner.
No girl ever brought it up on the first or second dates, but the ones i did end up seeing more seriously would say that they did notice then, but didn’t want to pry.
I had done a lot of self work to get to a better space mentally, and felt that it was important that any potential partners were comfortable with this area of my life/experience!
There is obviously a lot of taboo around SH, but it CAN serve as a sort of litmus test for how comfy people are with mental health as a conversation topic. I don’t know if I was ever discounted as a partner because of them, but if I was, that’s completely fair, and we wouldn’t have been a good fit anyways! If anything, I think it sometimes worked in my favour as it was ‘proof’ that I was ‘mental health-literate’ to my dates, although I appreciate that as a straight-performing male in a more liberal demographic this was a unique dynamic.
Now, I don’t want this to be mistaken for romanticizing SH. I was in a horrible mental state, struggling to survive, and would never wish to return. But it is part of my story as a person, and because of that I accept them as part of me – they’re not good, they’re not bad, they simply ‘are’. (It can be easy to fall into the trap of attaching morality to yourself, e.g. “I shouldn’t have done that, I’m a bad/weak/useless person” but if you find yourself doing this, try to be gentle with yourself! Life is complicated, life is hard. You owe it to yourself to try not make it any harder)
Sorry, I waffled a bit there. To answer your question, I think there are three points I’d say might be worth considering:
Where are you now in regards to mental health? You don’t have to be the spot-clean healthiest a human has ever been, but it’s important to be able to say (and more importantly, follow through with) “this is what happened, and this is what I’m doing to manage the set of feelings/actions that took me there.” Healing is a personal journey, and whilst a partner can help, the work has to be self-motivated! E.g. if you are falling backwards and your partner were to ask “how can I help?”, would you be able to give them an answer?
Similiar to 1, how willing/ able would you be able to talk about it? Chances are, if your partner found out about your scars, they might ask you about it. Are you okay with being honest and upfront about why/what drove you there? It’s okay if the answer is “I’m not comfortable to talk about it right now, but maybe if this relationship gets more serious”, but really make sure you’ve done enough work to be able to talk about it maturely and openly
Don’t make a big deal about it right out the gate. Now, don’t shy away from the topic if it comes up, but if you’re still just getting to know each other, it’s okay not to bring it up just yet!
I say this because there’s a risk that if things don’t work out in that initial stage, you might think “it’s because of my SH that it didn’t work out” when in reality the spark just wasn’t there, and your self esteem might take a big hit. It’s might also be quite a heavy topic for your partner on a first/second date, and you wouldn’t wanna overwhelm them
TLDR
Ultimately, to most compatible partners, scars will be like any other emotional baggage. Something they’d want to be aware of, and something they’d be curious to talk to you about. You can’t control if someone doesn’t like them (triggers, taboo, etc.), but it IS your responsibility to be honest and open with communicating, and actively recovering/maintaining your emotional wellbeing.
They are usually hidden. I think that would be a sign of trust if you get to see them. Try not to judge harshly. Have you walked a mile in her shoes?
Just my opinion
I used to lick her scars in between her thighs.
It would depend how old they are. If they’re fresh(ish) I’d try to have a conversation about it, and probably no longer be interested in a romantic relationship at that time. If they’re old I might let them come to me with that story, or ask them about it if we started talking about scars.
Major red flags.
Pardon my ignorance; what is an SH scar?
My husband was incredibly kind and caring about my fading SH scars. I can’t even see them now, but when we first got together I was really nervous about him seeing my thighs. I don’t remember the exact conversation, but he listened and didn’t judge.
My dumbass read it as FN Scar, that’d be pretty badass
Are they fresh or old scars?
Do they hide them or let them show?
Are they ashamed or have they moved on?
Have they gotten the help they need or are they currently dealing with the issue?
No matter what the answer is, all I can do is give them the love they deserve.
Are they old? If so, don’t ask till later.
If they’re new or still unhealed scar tissue? Ask as an active mental disorder is at play.
Experience: I self harmed from 12 years old till 23. Extensive scarring. When I gave birth at 31, nurse commented “Oh? You are a cutter?” and it was like someone pointing out in a ROOM FULL OF PEOPLE past battles as my daughter is being born. *Another nurse and my husband immediately stepped in.