Edit: FOR ANYONE WHO STRUGGLES WITH THIS, here are a few helpful thoughts:
The opposite of negative self talk isn’t always “positive” self talk.
Sometimes it’s just choosing not to moralize it. “I did that wrong and will do it differently next time” is worlds away from “I did that wrong and I’m a bad person because of it”.
Educating yourself can make a world of difference
There’s a lot of research, but here’s a relatively recent study illustrating how negative self talk might help performance in the short term, but the second link shows how it will actually decrease cognitive function in the brain over time:
If you find yourself feeling ashamed because you’re “lazy”, get checked for ADHD.
“If I can do it, I should or I’m a bum” sounds like textbook executive dysfunction.
A wise woman once said “if you’re wondering whether you have executive dysfunction or are just lazy, ask yourself whether you feel ashamed for not doing it. A lazy person feels good when they don’t do something they should.”
Ending negative self talk isn’t not about “not thinking negatively”. It’s about choosing what we do when those thoughts come.
I realize there’s a lot of baggage in making a biblical reference, but there is some really interesting truth in the idea of “taking every thought captive and making it obedient to God”.
If I haven’t lost you yet, the point here is this, we cannot directly control our thoughts. No one can. All we can do is learn to recognize them and choose what to do with them when they come.
What’s really interesting about this, though, is that the act of choosing how to categorize thoughts can eventually shape the kind of thoughts we have with time.
It’s like James Clear says in Atomic Habits, we make a vote for the person we are becoming with every action/decision. Change doesn’t happen overnight, but we can choose to change the way we vote and, with time, we can see greater change than we ever might have expected.
Negative self-talk IS NOT effective for learning (even if it feels like it).
Daniel Kahneman’s research around “regression toward the mean” in Thinking Fast and Slow tells it all.
To begin, we must acknowledge there is endless research showing that we learn more from positive reinforcement than negative feedback.
With that in mind, many people realize this pattern:
If I yell at myself for doing poorly, I get better
If I praise myself for doing well, I get worse.
This is, in fact, true in most cases, but it becomes obvious when we think about it.
In both cases, the performance was an exception.
If a student typically gets a “B”, and they get a “C”, it’s likely that they will do better next time whether you reprimand them or not because they typically get “B”s.
The same is true in reverse. An “exceptional” result (whether good or bad) is, by definition, an exception. This means that, regardless of feedback, the next result will likely “regress toward the mean” or be closer to average.
All that to say, when we beat ourselves up for poor performance, we will typically do better the next time. If we encourage ourselves and celebrate an exceptional success, we’ll likely be less successful the next time. The change needs to come in our acknowledgment of this principle and our treatment of ourselves as a result.
When we fail, we tell ourselves, “this was out of character and I will do better next time”. And when we succeed, we should embrace it and realize we may not achieve this much next time, but it’s a step in the right direction and enough of these successes will eventually improve the bottom line.
I know this is a lot and it’s likely that no one will read it, but if you do, please let me know! I’ve personally been on a journey with this topic for a few years and these ideas were game changers for me.
Wishing everyone the best 🖤.
Please don’t be too hard on yourselves.
Your inner child doesn’t deserve it and you deserve better.
Only visiting a healthcare professional if the issue is extreme/long-term persistent. Reduces the likelihood of catching serious illnesses in the early stages dramatically if you resist speaking to a doctor until it’s crippling.
People pleasing. If you are more concerned with making sure everyone around you is happy than you are about your own well being, it will bite you in the ass. Eventually you will start to resent people because you will feel that they don’t put in as much effort as you do, when in reality you are just doing too much! Take care of yourself, or you will not be able to truly care for others. Learn early how to set and maintain proper boundaries.
Eating poorly all the time. Outside of unhealthy weight gain + blood work issues, this can also cause some depression, anxiety, difficulty sleeping, lowered immunity etc.
Procrastination. Just get into the habit of tackling things head on.
Sincerely, someone with ADHD who thought that the only way I could get things done was to wait last minute. Building habits is important! They’re what make you do the thing before you consciously realize you’re doing the thing.
Jerking off to relieve the tension is one thing. But gooning 4x a day and immediately picturing yourself banging every hot person in sight is NOT good for the psyche
Constantly saying “yes” to everything sounds polite and helpful, but over time it drains your energy, builds resentment, and burns you out before you even notice.
Complaining, watching endless TV, comparisons against others…
It sounds so simple, and it’s so easy to get into this mindset, but I think a lot of people don’t realize our neurons are trained in these habits. So the more we do this, the easier it is to continue doing this. And sometimes life genuinely gives us reasons to complain, I get that. And sometimes TV marathons can be therapeutic and sometimes it helps to benchmark our lives against others so see how we’re doing BUT it shouldn’t become habit, it’s very risky!
It’s something I try to stay wary of because we can get into these habits no matter what age we are
Procrastination when it comes to addressing health issues. If you don’t get the problem corrected when you first realize it, it’s almost always guaranteed to worsen and become more expensive to treat.
Instead, we should learn how to appropriately address those subjects in a variety of settings. Avoiding them let’s things that need to be addressed fester and grow.
Rushing children. This creates life long anxiety problems and it’s backed by research there’s even a name for it “hurried child syndrome” parents don’t understand how serious this is.
Not cleaning your room.
Edit: actually, just make it disorganization in general. I suffer from it – it’s a shockingly difficult habit to break especially since it’s often paired with other bad habits
Expecting people to treat you the way you treat them. So many people go above and beyond for someone who only associates with them when they want something but never return the favor.
everything social media. shit man when it came out if people knew what it would do to the world they would have killed it at its start. its too late now. and here comes AI. get ready
Every day. Not necessarily each muscle group in one go, but stretch each muscle group every day, at least 30 seconds, wherever whenever you can — get it in where you fit it in. Waiting for toast? Stretch your chest/shoulders. Legs. Assume a horse stance. Something.
Stretching is a little bit of a different kind of pain, that prevents a whole lot of pain.
Losing your fishing lure. This leaves a long trail of plastic monofilament fishing line that entangles wildlife and remains a persistent problem. Scuba diving under popular shore fishing spots looks like a tangled wasteland.
People who continuously choose to sweep things under the rug to “keep the peace.”
No peace is kept that way, it just builds a mountain of resentment until one day it causes irreparable harm to the relationship, whether it’s toxicity or indifference. And it makes the person who’s willing to work through the issues look like they’re the one who can’t let things go. People, please learn how to have difficult conversations constructively.
I get migraines and although it doesn’t heal them, it helps so much in the long run! My doctor told me that migraines, when not genetic, are most often started with just not drinking enough water, and then gets bigger from there.
Junk food. I’m 32F and naturally slim so would eat a lot of junk food. I’ve just been diagnosed with high cholesterol and high blood pressure because of my bad diet.
Eating those last few bites when you’re full. It’s just a few bites of food, right? It can lead to overeating and teaching your body to expect more food over time. This can lead to an increase in weight and all of the other mental health effects that go with weight gain.
Comments
Negative self talk.
Edit: FOR ANYONE WHO STRUGGLES WITH THIS, here are a few helpful thoughts:
Sometimes it’s just choosing not to moralize it. “I did that wrong and will do it differently next time” is worlds away from “I did that wrong and I’m a bad person because of it”.
There’s a lot of research, but here’s a relatively recent study illustrating how negative self talk might help performance in the short term, but the second link shows how it will actually decrease cognitive function in the brain over time:
https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC8295361/
https://www.verywellmind.com/negative-self-talk-and-how-it-affects-us-4161304
“If I can do it, I should or I’m a bum” sounds like textbook executive dysfunction.
A wise woman once said “if you’re wondering whether you have executive dysfunction or are just lazy, ask yourself whether you feel ashamed for not doing it. A lazy person feels good when they don’t do something they should.”
I realize there’s a lot of baggage in making a biblical reference, but there is some really interesting truth in the idea of “taking every thought captive and making it obedient to God”.
If I haven’t lost you yet, the point here is this, we cannot directly control our thoughts. No one can. All we can do is learn to recognize them and choose what to do with them when they come.
What’s really interesting about this, though, is that the act of choosing how to categorize thoughts can eventually shape the kind of thoughts we have with time.
It’s like James Clear says in Atomic Habits, we make a vote for the person we are becoming with every action/decision. Change doesn’t happen overnight, but we can choose to change the way we vote and, with time, we can see greater change than we ever might have expected.
Daniel Kahneman’s research around “regression toward the mean” in Thinking Fast and Slow tells it all.
To begin, we must acknowledge there is endless research showing that we learn more from positive reinforcement than negative feedback.
With that in mind, many people realize this pattern:
If I yell at myself for doing poorly, I get better
If I praise myself for doing well, I get worse.
This is, in fact, true in most cases, but it becomes obvious when we think about it.
In both cases, the performance was an exception.
If a student typically gets a “B”, and they get a “C”, it’s likely that they will do better next time whether you reprimand them or not because they typically get “B”s.
The same is true in reverse. An “exceptional” result (whether good or bad) is, by definition, an exception. This means that, regardless of feedback, the next result will likely “regress toward the mean” or be closer to average.
All that to say, when we beat ourselves up for poor performance, we will typically do better the next time. If we encourage ourselves and celebrate an exceptional success, we’ll likely be less successful the next time. The change needs to come in our acknowledgment of this principle and our treatment of ourselves as a result.
When we fail, we tell ourselves, “this was out of character and I will do better next time”. And when we succeed, we should embrace it and realize we may not achieve this much next time, but it’s a step in the right direction and enough of these successes will eventually improve the bottom line.
I know this is a lot and it’s likely that no one will read it, but if you do, please let me know! I’ve personally been on a journey with this topic for a few years and these ideas were game changers for me.
Wishing everyone the best 🖤.
Please don’t be too hard on yourselves.
Your inner child doesn’t deserve it and you deserve better.
being late
Sticking around in a relationship where you aren’t happy
Lack of sleep
bottling up emotions for a long period of time
Sun bathing. Alcohol.
Only visiting a healthcare professional if the issue is extreme/long-term persistent. Reduces the likelihood of catching serious illnesses in the early stages dramatically if you resist speaking to a doctor until it’s crippling.
Over working and not taking time off from work
People pleasing. If you are more concerned with making sure everyone around you is happy than you are about your own well being, it will bite you in the ass. Eventually you will start to resent people because you will feel that they don’t put in as much effort as you do, when in reality you are just doing too much! Take care of yourself, or you will not be able to truly care for others. Learn early how to set and maintain proper boundaries.
Eating poorly all the time. Outside of unhealthy weight gain + blood work issues, this can also cause some depression, anxiety, difficulty sleeping, lowered immunity etc.
It’s always worth investing in healthy food
wearing headphones all the time in loud volume
Not wearing SPF
Comparing yourself with other people
Procrastination. Just get into the habit of tackling things head on.
Sincerely, someone with ADHD who thought that the only way I could get things done was to wait last minute. Building habits is important! They’re what make you do the thing before you consciously realize you’re doing the thing.
Doomscrolling: massively screws with your brain.
Jerking off to relieve the tension is one thing. But gooning 4x a day and immediately picturing yourself banging every hot person in sight is NOT good for the psyche
Constantly saying “yes” to everything sounds polite and helpful, but over time it drains your energy, builds resentment, and burns you out before you even notice.
Financial illiteracy. Not having a budget. Living on credit.
Sure people “know” it’s bad. Those same people still get completely blindsided when they have to face it in adulthood.
Complaining, watching endless TV, comparisons against others…
It sounds so simple, and it’s so easy to get into this mindset, but I think a lot of people don’t realize our neurons are trained in these habits. So the more we do this, the easier it is to continue doing this. And sometimes life genuinely gives us reasons to complain, I get that. And sometimes TV marathons can be therapeutic and sometimes it helps to benchmark our lives against others so see how we’re doing BUT it shouldn’t become habit, it’s very risky!
It’s something I try to stay wary of because we can get into these habits no matter what age we are
Sugary snacking. And soda. And all the juices with hidden sugar in them.
Diabetes is a terrible terrible disease, people lose limbs and vision and kidneys to it.
Slouching
Procrastination when it comes to addressing health issues. If you don’t get the problem corrected when you first realize it, it’s almost always guaranteed to worsen and become more expensive to treat.
Thinking it’s polite to avoid hard subjects.
Instead, we should learn how to appropriately address those subjects in a variety of settings. Avoiding them let’s things that need to be addressed fester and grow.
Maybe this will be controversial but overworking
I heard this quote – I’m not sure who from:
We teach people how to treat us.
I find this a good reminder, especially when meeting new people.
Rushing children. This creates life long anxiety problems and it’s backed by research there’s even a name for it “hurried child syndrome” parents don’t understand how serious this is.
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/decision-principles/202408/the-danger-of-hurried-child-syndrome/amp
Playing video games nonstop to the point of almost never leaving your house.
Doomscrolling. It is messing with people’s dopamine regulation on a scale we cannot yet comprehend. Children are in the most danger.
Being disorganized.
Cleaning your house and making your bed isn’t bullshit. It really helps organize your mind.
Holding in your pee because you’re busy at work.
nightly alcohol consumption
Not cleaning your room.
Edit: actually, just make it disorganization in general. I suffer from it – it’s a shockingly difficult habit to break especially since it’s often paired with other bad habits
Not wearing sunscreen
Subjecting themselves to toxic people solely because they share DNA.
Small lies
Expecting people to treat you the way you treat them. So many people go above and beyond for someone who only associates with them when they want something but never return the favor.
Drinking hot lemon water every day.
Friend went to the dentist and found out she’d destroyed her enamel after years of doing this for her “health”
everything social media. shit man when it came out if people knew what it would do to the world they would have killed it at its start. its too late now. and here comes AI. get ready
Not exercising
Reddit. Endless scroll.
Not stretching.
Every day. Not necessarily each muscle group in one go, but stretch each muscle group every day, at least 30 seconds, wherever whenever you can — get it in where you fit it in. Waiting for toast? Stretch your chest/shoulders. Legs. Assume a horse stance. Something.
Stretching is a little bit of a different kind of pain, that prevents a whole lot of pain.
Losing your fishing lure. This leaves a long trail of plastic monofilament fishing line that entangles wildlife and remains a persistent problem. Scuba diving under popular shore fishing spots looks like a tangled wasteland.
People who continuously choose to sweep things under the rug to “keep the peace.”
No peace is kept that way, it just builds a mountain of resentment until one day it causes irreparable harm to the relationship, whether it’s toxicity or indifference. And it makes the person who’s willing to work through the issues look like they’re the one who can’t let things go. People, please learn how to have difficult conversations constructively.
Edited typos
Declining water
I get migraines and although it doesn’t heal them, it helps so much in the long run! My doctor told me that migraines, when not genetic, are most often started with just not drinking enough water, and then gets bigger from there.
Going on your phone first thing when you wake up. It basically ruins your dopamine for the day.
Junk food. I’m 32F and naturally slim so would eat a lot of junk food. I’ve just been diagnosed with high cholesterol and high blood pressure because of my bad diet.
Not flossing. Seriously guys, take care of your teeth. Your middle aged self will thank you.
Playing on their phones when driving. I see it EVERY other driver. So scary
Eating those last few bites when you’re full. It’s just a few bites of food, right? It can lead to overeating and teaching your body to expect more food over time. This can lead to an increase in weight and all of the other mental health effects that go with weight gain.
Only doing minimum payments on debt. Allowing interest to work against you.
Pushing hard on a topic someone really doesn’t want to talk about.
Don’t demand that someone relive the most traumatic experience of their life just to settle your curiosity.
Sitting too long on the toilet
Excessive consumption of soda
Asking ChatGPT a million questions per day and thinking it’s your new best friend.
Chipping away at our constitutional rights
Not wearing sunscreen
comfort zone id say