All the things that made you pee in bed. As a child my parents told me that being barefoot, having my back unshielded from cold, playing with fire, etc all made me pee in bed.
It wasn’t, it was trauma.
You can start at the bottom of a company, and if you apply yourself and work hard, then you can get promoted and one day, you may even be the President.
That we were related to a famous baseball player with he same last name.
…which, TBF was a lie my dad passed down from his older brother who lied to him about it when they were kids. Older brother prank that finally came to light one Christmas, 50 years later (much to Uncle Don’s amusement).
My mum told my sister Ham grew on trees so we’d have to wait for more to grow. She was having a meltdown because I ate the last of it.
She was like “fine I’ll have cheese”.
Fast forward a decade this bitch asks me with a straight face “What tree was it that has ham on it?”
I sat there and just stared at her, then said “what the fuck are you talking about”. She STILL believed there was some tree out there growing spirals of fucking ham. She was genuinely upset lmao.
Every time you hiccup, your heart grows. I was very concerned when I learned that having an enlarged heart was a serious health condition.
I honestly believed that until I was around 12
When I was about 6, I wanted to have a friend over on a Sunday. My parents told me, “Sundays are for family only.”
For YEARS I would stay home on Sundays and not do anything even if my sisters went out or had friends over. Years later, my parents asked me why I always stayed home on Sundays. I was like, “wut?”
As an adult, I can see now that they just wanted to have an easy Sunday, said something to get me to just chill, and…totally forgot about it.
My mom gave me the talk way too young. When she did, she didn’t explain sex, she explained a BJ. Somewhere along the line I kinda figured out the difference on my own but as I got older I was like “Wtf??”
Blue cheese is gross. LIES. For literal decades I didn’t even try it. My brother and I both have been the victims of this lie 😂 we joke about it every time we are together and happen to be eating it
My parents went to extraordinary lengths to convince me that Santa Claus was actually real. Not only did they tell me lie after lie, but they even rented a Santa Claus costume, set up a hidden camera, and made my uncle wear the costume and deliver presents in the middle of the night do we could have actual physical evidence. I legitimately believe that really fucked me up as a person. I basically don’t trust anybody
That my eyes told on me if I lied, I had “lieing eyes”. So I spent til I was a teen not looking at people if I was lieing. I used it on my kids too. Lol She also taught me the kinds of things to guess at to ask to get to the truth.
Asked my dad what the car’s radio static noise was. He told me it was a cat doing a poo. I thought every radio station had a cat that would poop next to the microphone for years
When I was little, I LOVED trains. There was a store relatively close to us called Train World or Train Land (sadly I don’t remember) but they sold model trains and stuff like that. I always wanted to go. Every time we passed it, they told me that the store had gone out of business.
Model trains are expensive and we didn’t have money like that.
We’d pass the store periodically and I’d always ask why it was still there if they were closed and they’d always give me some passive or dismissive answer.
Fast forward a few years… the store remodels and puts up a brand spankin’ new big ole sign.
They were like “Yea, we lied, but we’re still not going…”
My family never had cable growing up so we had only a few TV channels. Whenever I’d ask to watch a fun kid’s show, my parents would say “oh, we don’t get that channel, it’s only on cable.”
My childhood best friend got so many more channels by comparison and I got to watch all the cool things at her house. I’m 31 and I just learned last year that her family never had cable either. Turns out none of the shows I asked to watch were only on cable.
I asked why M*A*S*H didn’t have any new episodes but was all reruns. My parents told me that they ran out of ideas. I was terrified at the finiteness of human imagination for years.
But she has a massive scar on her leg, proper deep and all
When I was idk 5ish or something? I asked her what it was
“It was from being bit by a crocodile”, and I shrugged it like “ah yeah makes sense fair”, I mean she had a lot of parrots, so obviously she was around exotic animals like that and moved on
Keep in mind we are from the UK
It took almost 20 years for me to think about it and go.. “wait a fucking second.”
Dad had to check if Santa was gone before we came out of our bedroom. If Santa was still there and you saw him he’d take the presents back. Dad wasn’t afraid to lose his presents so he took one for the team and checked. Mom and dad got to sleep in on Christmas morning.
That there are sharks in the deep end of the pool. My mom told me that at like age 4/5. Rationally as I grew up I knew that there is no way that a shark would survive in a pool but once my head submerged under water a sort of panic would try to take over and try to convince me.
That if I read in the car while on a trip or something, I was gonna get carsick. I’ve been reading since I was three, and now at 65, have never gotten carsick. I don’t know what she thought I was supposed to do otherwise.
When I was very, very young, my aunt told me “Every time you learn something new, your brain gets a new fold. In heaven, they count the folds to tell how much life you lived.”
I said “So the more I learn, the longer I’ll live?”
She said “Well…Yeah, I think you will.” and that was the single lie that turned whatever burgeoning autistic cocktail of a mind I had toward the frantic and addictive consumption of knowledge. Thirty some odd years later and I remain all learning, very little actual doing.
But I will get my goddamn immortality, Aunt Janie. Just you watch.
My dad told me that the reason he and one of his brothers didn’t have a middle names was because in order to put it in their birth certificates, names were charged by letter (vowels obviously cost more) and his parents couldn’t afford for all three children to have middle names…
I told my three kids that they were all terribly allergic to cigarette smoke. My youngest would practically turn green when walking by a smoker on the street. They believed it until they were adults. Coincidentally, their own children have the same dreadful, life-threatening allergy, but now it includes vaping.
We wanted lava lamps when we were kids. My dad told us, probably off handedly, that they were expensive and we couldn’t have them.
This somehow resonated with me and my sister. Lava lamps were the peak of decadent indulgence. Any kid who had a lava lamp was royalty. The lava lamp effect was lavish and classy.
I was about 20 when I called her in disbelief from a Target and we figured it out together.
I made it to college believing there were no cartoons on TV on Sunday afternoon. Turns out our dad just didn’t want us pestering him while he watched golf and ironed his work shirts. Then, when the evening rolled around, we’d watch The Simpsons while he made us snacks and whatnot. But I legitimately believed that there was a time when even Nickelodeon didn’t play cartoons during the hours between when church started and when The Simpsons finally came on Fox around 8 or whatever.
My mom still tries to convince me I’ll get sick by sleeping with wet hair. I’m 21 and have fallen asleep with wet hair for years (I’m lazy and hate drying my hair but I shower at night)
That the only purpose of my life was to get married and have kids (lie). My brothers were pushed to get good grades, and got rewards / punishment accordingly. I was in the top of my class, and it was “okay.’ My brother say I’m ‘spoiled’ because of it.
That the only way to be happily married was to be a virgin when married (lie) and it was the only thing that tested a man’s value and love for you (lie).
That a woman’s impulse to give into her base desires led her to a life she deserves (lie) especially when her husband didn’t value her (lie).
Oh, and ask my mom if any of these purity talks happened? They didn’t. Still fucks me up.
My dad told me once that when I was younger, I took a bow when it thundered. I didn’t realize until I was much older he was saying I was full of myself. Yes he insulted me constantly.
Comments
If you sit too close to the TV, you’ll go blind
If you swallow gum, it stays in your stomach for 7 years
If you eat sunflower seeds, they will grow inside you and you will die.
Turning the car light on while driving is illegal
Santa’s watching you year-round with hidden cameras 👀
Santa
If you lie, your tongue turns black
The ice cream truck only plays music when it’s out of ice cream
If you don’t sleep early, the monsters come out
That the god of my childhood religion is real
The tooth fairy needs your teeth to build her castle 🏰
I led my kids to believe that Chuck E Cheese was only for birthdays. “Maybe someone will have a birthday soon and we can go back.”
You can’t be buried besides us if you get a tattoo. It’s forbidden in our religion.
There is no God
That my mom had eyes in the back of her head.
I still remember “playing” with her hair but secretly trying to find her extra eyes 🤣
All the things that made you pee in bed. As a child my parents told me that being barefoot, having my back unshielded from cold, playing with fire, etc all made me pee in bed.
It wasn’t, it was trauma.
If you drink coffee you’ll get fleas in your stomach
You can start at the bottom of a company, and if you apply yourself and work hard, then you can get promoted and one day, you may even be the President.
That we were related to a famous baseball player with he same last name.
…which, TBF was a lie my dad passed down from his older brother who lied to him about it when they were kids. Older brother prank that finally came to light one Christmas, 50 years later (much to Uncle Don’s amusement).
My mum told my sister Ham grew on trees so we’d have to wait for more to grow. She was having a meltdown because I ate the last of it.
She was like “fine I’ll have cheese”.
Fast forward a decade this bitch asks me with a straight face “What tree was it that has ham on it?”
I sat there and just stared at her, then said “what the fuck are you talking about”. She STILL believed there was some tree out there growing spirals of fucking ham. She was genuinely upset lmao.
My eczema is due to consumption of chocolate
Every time you hiccup, your heart grows. I was very concerned when I learned that having an enlarged heart was a serious health condition.
I honestly believed that until I was around 12
I believed that Santa Claus was real until I was about 15 😂
That wrestling was real
Taking painkillers for like 3 days straight is really bad for you
If you swallow your gum, it would take 7 years to digest.
Chocolate milk comes from brown cows.” 🐄
That Ben and Jerry’s ice cream has alcohol in it.
When I was about 6, I wanted to have a friend over on a Sunday. My parents told me, “Sundays are for family only.”
For YEARS I would stay home on Sundays and not do anything even if my sisters went out or had friends over. Years later, my parents asked me why I always stayed home on Sundays. I was like, “wut?”
As an adult, I can see now that they just wanted to have an easy Sunday, said something to get me to just chill, and…totally forgot about it.
That if I didn’t put the cap back on the tooth paste, all the fluoride would evaporate.
You will catch a cold if you go outside with wet hair in cool/cold weather.
My mom told us that a “friends” daughter ate watermelon seeds and turned into a watermelon!! We were terrified!!
My mom gave me the talk way too young. When she did, she didn’t explain sex, she explained a BJ. Somewhere along the line I kinda figured out the difference on my own but as I got older I was like “Wtf??”
Blue cheese is gross. LIES. For literal decades I didn’t even try it. My brother and I both have been the victims of this lie 😂 we joke about it every time we are together and happen to be eating it
That everything they did was for my own good.
Also, that soap will make your chicken poisonous.
I’ve always liked to cook and when I was a kid I think I didn’t maybe rinse my hands good enough after washing them before handling chicken.
rolling your eyes too many times makes them stuck that way
That when pets died they were all buried in a special pet cemetery that only the vets knew the location of.
My parents went to extraordinary lengths to convince me that Santa Claus was actually real. Not only did they tell me lie after lie, but they even rented a Santa Claus costume, set up a hidden camera, and made my uncle wear the costume and deliver presents in the middle of the night do we could have actual physical evidence. I legitimately believe that really fucked me up as a person. I basically don’t trust anybody
Sometimes women just get pregnant all by themselves; a baby just starts growing even if they don’t have a “husband”
Keep doing that snd you’ll go blind.
You’re going to go blind sitting that close to the tv.
Are Santa and Easter bunny acceptable answers?
If you eat watermelon seeds, they’ll grow into a plant in your stomach!
Eating pickles before bed will give you nightmares.
That they loved me as much as they love my sister.
That my Dad wrote River of Dreams
The Billy Joel song
That if I just got a degree I’d be set for life.
If you swallow a watermelon seed, a watermelon will grow in your stomach 😅
Eating snow will give you worms in your belly. Once I got a bit older I extrapolated that into thinking worms lay their eggs in snow.
That my eyes told on me if I lied, I had “lieing eyes”. So I spent til I was a teen not looking at people if I was lieing. I used it on my kids too. Lol She also taught me the kinds of things to guess at to ask to get to the truth.
We have a last name – family name – that is the name of a small city. My father told me the town was named after our family.
Asked my dad what the car’s radio static noise was. He told me it was a cat doing a poo. I thought every radio station had a cat that would poop next to the microphone for years
That you must dilute orange juice with water (not squash, orange juice like Tropicana).
I was telling my flatmate this and he couldn’t stop laughing because I’d only worked it out about 5 years ago (I’m 22).
I’ll help you pay for college.
When I was little, I LOVED trains. There was a store relatively close to us called Train World or Train Land (sadly I don’t remember) but they sold model trains and stuff like that. I always wanted to go. Every time we passed it, they told me that the store had gone out of business.
Model trains are expensive and we didn’t have money like that.
We’d pass the store periodically and I’d always ask why it was still there if they were closed and they’d always give me some passive or dismissive answer.
Fast forward a few years… the store remodels and puts up a brand spankin’ new big ole sign.
They were like “Yea, we lied, but we’re still not going…”
The skin on KFC chicken is poison
Those bag of crisps have poison in them
My family never had cable growing up so we had only a few TV channels. Whenever I’d ask to watch a fun kid’s show, my parents would say “oh, we don’t get that channel, it’s only on cable.”
My childhood best friend got so many more channels by comparison and I got to watch all the cool things at her house. I’m 31 and I just learned last year that her family never had cable either. Turns out none of the shows I asked to watch were only on cable.
I love you
I asked why M*A*S*H didn’t have any new episodes but was all reruns. My parents told me that they ran out of ideas. I was terrified at the finiteness of human imagination for years.
Was actually my nan
But she has a massive scar on her leg, proper deep and all
When I was idk 5ish or something? I asked her what it was
“It was from being bit by a crocodile”, and I shrugged it like “ah yeah makes sense fair”, I mean she had a lot of parrots, so obviously she was around exotic animals like that and moved on
Keep in mind we are from the UK
It took almost 20 years for me to think about it and go.. “wait a fucking second.”
I was Catholic until I was like 35. Now I’m agnostic. Believed for far too long.
My childhood dog went to live on a farm
My father told me both his parents were dead. Only his mother was dead. His father had abandoned the family if 5 kids when my father was 12.
Pulp Fiction is a documentary about oranges.
Dad had to check if Santa was gone before we came out of our bedroom. If Santa was still there and you saw him he’d take the presents back. Dad wasn’t afraid to lose his presents so he took one for the team and checked. Mom and dad got to sleep in on Christmas morning.
That there are sharks in the deep end of the pool. My mom told me that at like age 4/5. Rationally as I grew up I knew that there is no way that a shark would survive in a pool but once my head submerged under water a sort of panic would try to take over and try to convince me.
That if I read in the car while on a trip or something, I was gonna get carsick. I’ve been reading since I was three, and now at 65, have never gotten carsick. I don’t know what she thought I was supposed to do otherwise.
When I was very, very young, my aunt told me “Every time you learn something new, your brain gets a new fold. In heaven, they count the folds to tell how much life you lived.”
I said “So the more I learn, the longer I’ll live?”
She said “Well…Yeah, I think you will.” and that was the single lie that turned whatever burgeoning autistic cocktail of a mind I had toward the frantic and addictive consumption of knowledge. Thirty some odd years later and I remain all learning, very little actual doing.
But I will get my goddamn immortality, Aunt Janie. Just you watch.
My dad told me that the reason he and one of his brothers didn’t have a middle names was because in order to put it in their birth certificates, names were charged by letter (vowels obviously cost more) and his parents couldn’t afford for all three children to have middle names…
God.
I thought my dad wrote you can’t rollerskate in a buffalo herd until i heard it come on the radio on a roadtrip when i was in my 20’s.
dad told me gelato was alcoholic because he didn’t want to share any
I told my three kids that they were all terribly allergic to cigarette smoke. My youngest would practically turn green when walking by a smoker on the street. They believed it until they were adults. Coincidentally, their own children have the same dreadful, life-threatening allergy, but now it includes vaping.
Don’t eat the chocolate chips in the bag for baking. They are poisonous unless you cook them.
That God existed and cared about everyone.
I believed that they loved me for me, not that they loved that I would be the one who would take care of them in their old age.
Kebab (shawarma) meat was an elephant leg.
God exists
I got told that liver was called French steak so that we would eat it
that my eyes would turn orange when I lied
We wanted lava lamps when we were kids. My dad told us, probably off handedly, that they were expensive and we couldn’t have them.
This somehow resonated with me and my sister. Lava lamps were the peak of decadent indulgence. Any kid who had a lava lamp was royalty. The lava lamp effect was lavish and classy.
I was about 20 when I called her in disbelief from a Target and we figured it out together.
that my bunny “mr hopps” run away with his family to live in rabbington where he was elected to be major.
found out the neighbours dog ate both my rabbits in whole about 10 years later. but assumed that he died right after “he left”.
Mom shared early on that humans can’t drink water while they are lying on their back and I honestly haven’t done so until I was 19…
I made it to college believing there were no cartoons on TV on Sunday afternoon. Turns out our dad just didn’t want us pestering him while he watched golf and ironed his work shirts. Then, when the evening rolled around, we’d watch The Simpsons while he made us snacks and whatnot. But I legitimately believed that there was a time when even Nickelodeon didn’t play cartoons during the hours between when church started and when The Simpsons finally came on Fox around 8 or whatever.
That having my name or any personal information anywhere on the internet, including online banking, would destroy my life.
My mother is now a dedicated facebook-boomer, to the surprise of absolutely nobody
My mom still tries to convince me I’ll get sick by sleeping with wet hair. I’m 21 and have fallen asleep with wet hair for years (I’m lazy and hate drying my hair but I shower at night)
If I don’t tucked in my shirt some roach will crawl in my belly button and live inside me. Thought that was true until I was 16
They found me in the garbage cans behind the grocery store.
My dog was now living on a giant ranch living it’s best life.
If you sit with your legs open, air will go up you and you will die. I used to tremble keeping my legs firmly shut all day.
That if you go out with wet hair and it’s not sunny and warm you’ll catch a cold, I genuinely believe this for about till I was 17 I think?;-;
That my mom was a virgin until marriage (lie).
That the only purpose of my life was to get married and have kids (lie). My brothers were pushed to get good grades, and got rewards / punishment accordingly. I was in the top of my class, and it was “okay.’ My brother say I’m ‘spoiled’ because of it.
That the only way to be happily married was to be a virgin when married (lie) and it was the only thing that tested a man’s value and love for you (lie).
That a woman’s impulse to give into her base desires led her to a life she deserves (lie) especially when her husband didn’t value her (lie).
Oh, and ask my mom if any of these purity talks happened? They didn’t. Still fucks me up.
My dad told me once that when I was younger, I took a bow when it thundered. I didn’t realize until I was much older he was saying I was full of myself. Yes he insulted me constantly.
If you don’t hold your breath while passing a cemetery you’ll get possessed. turns out my dad just wanted a minute of quiet
If we pull our faces and the doorbell rings, then our faces will stay like that.
That Pope John Paul the Second was my grandfather’s brother. They look kind of similar so I believed it until I was about 13
Putting your dead budgie in the oven for a minute is like those heart paddles on TV, and can save it’s life