Ever since I was a kid I’ve always been okay with being alone. Though I always had friends I remember spending a lot of my childhood by myself. It wasn’t that I struggled to much make them but I never once felt like I truly connected with someone. I probably had around two people I could call close friends in my whole life and even then I still feel like there’s a wall between those people. There’s tons of people who probably see me as a friend or closer than that and yet in my eyes I feel like they’re just acquaintances. In high school I used to think I was trying hard to make friends. Joined a ton of clubs but I never fit in with anyone and when people wouldn’t approach me I’d just keep to myself since I didn’t want to force friendships. I had boyfriends too though they weren’t exactly the best I knew I wasn’t incapable of making those connections and was pretty enough for people to ask me out. But over the 4 years of high school I just slowly dropped everyone and every club even if it made me sad I just slowly stopped feeling that energy. I’d have fits of crying thinking about how much I wish to experience having that close friend group but the next day realize how happy I was to be alone. By the end of high school I just had a boyfriend and a few people I’d talk to in passing. At times I feel this deep yearning need for attention and to socialize. That the comfort I feel when I’m alone isn’t real. Once I got into college I completely dropped everyone I knew, broke up with my boyfriend and barely kept up with texting friends. I stopped making attempts and yet I still yearned to talk to someone. I’d dressed as nice as I thought I could hoping someone would notice and I did make one friend and had a guy interested in me but he was so awful right off the back that I didn’t give him a chance. My family tells me I’m pretty and yet no one ever talks to me. So I just block everyone out and stay in my own world. Why even bother when I barely have the energy to keep up anything. I spend most of my free time now just reading fanfics and playing dating sims or doing school work. I don’t think I’ll ever meet anyone who will be able to truly connect with me and I just wish I’d finally come to terms with that.
Comments
Maybe you have a small social battery. It means you’ll have to learn how to balance your social needs with your need to recharge with solitude. There are others who would understand but they may be difficult to find because a lot of them are doing similar things that you are; isolating and putting up walls.
It’s not impossible to find a balance in your social life. It sounds like your adult life is just starting, so you have time.