What’s one thing society praises women for that actually feels exhausting or performative? Please share your experiences or general thoughts.
What’s one thing society praises women for that actually feels exhausting or performative? Please share your experiences or general thoughts.
r/AskWomen
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Xmas cards and thank you notes
Smiling – I want to elaborate but that one word is the general thought.
Being strong. We shouldn’t have to be strong all the time.
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Planning fucking everything and then hosting the event that we already planned. Birthday parties, holidays, family reunions, and the list goes on. Why can’t we just show up, be fed and enjoy the festivities?!
Being nice.
Removing all hair below the eyes
“Having it all” successful job, marriage, good kids, staying fit, wearing makeup and nice clothes, keeping a nice household, doing all the holiday things, the school things, the family things, the supportive wife role. Having it all is exhausting. And sometimes performative.
for the beauty? It seems to be normal, but at the same time it raises questions
Motherhood/pregnancy/childbirth. Actually making any kind of name for themselves. Being “the first woman to _____.” Controlling one’s temper or emotions (aka masking or acting). Being skinny. Being a stay-at-home mom (without work/a job). For starters.
Being a giving person. I just want to be selfish sometimes. I feel like I’m always having to carry around everyone’s baggage or be there for everyone.
Always looking nice but “natural”
being soft, calmed and clever in choosing men.
“This is Joe, he’s VP of finance.
Marcus is the head of tech.
And Sarah, well she just does everything around here!”
Everything. According to society I should look nice and well put together. But even that’s subjective. I’m from CA that same beach dress that I wear out here that is completely acceptable and cute is a no no somewhere else. Same with the clothes there. Same with make up. If I don’t wear make up then I’m not putting an effort. But the amount of make up I might wear might still not seem like the right amount in some places or too much in others. Then there is always the person that is going to complain that I am spending too much money on clothes, make up, hair cuts or accessories even if I am using my own money to pay for it. As a woman I’m suppose to be quiet, tame, submissive, and feminine and love to clean and cook. If I deviate I’m a horrible and seen as less than a woman. Me standing up for myself or speaking my mind has been called me being less lady like, hysterical and intimidating even if I don’t curse or even raise my voice. But if a situation happens and I don’t speak up then it’s my fault for not saying something. It’s like I’m suppose to live my life wearing a mask, being the “bigger person”, the peace keeper, the caretaker, while wearing a smile a nice dress and never complaining. Like I shouldn’t have feeling, needs or wants because everyone else should come before me. The I should spare their feelings even if they hurt mine or the action hurts mine because as a woman it’s expected that I should suffer to keep others happy. It’s completely bs.
Caring for children
Being a ‘good’ daughter/sister/niece/granddaughter. I love my family and I want them to know that, of course. But I feel like as the eldest granddaughter, the expectation to be dutiful is much higher than the younger women and the men.
Looking pretty, the time and money it takes to “look professional” compared to men who can shower and go. When we get called out for not “looking put together” if we did the same
Children’s birthday parties when they’re not old enough to ask for one.
We love your baby and we love you and will celebrate your efforts but absolutely no one in your life thinks this was a good use of your time, money or energy.
— Being able to balance personal and professional life when one gets married or becomes a mom. I do acknowledge that motherhood takes so much from you. But in place of the flowery praises, why not extend concrete help to them instead? Listen to what they ACTUALLY need.
— Handling a terrible instance with composure as if I’m expected to crash out because “other women would have reacted differently”, even when it indeed was a fucked up situation and crashing out is the appropriate reaction.
Being nice and not causing issues.
Higher education. “What, like it’s hard?” Is the quote of a lifetime
Babysitting.
I mean, most of the times I’m fine with babysitting kids and I gladly volunteer to avoid boring discussions with fellow adults… However, when the baby is a 20yr adult and it’s slammed on me because “I’m the woman and I usually take care of children”… Hell no.
Working AND taking care of the home, why are women now expected to work, pay for half of everything, and handle all of the household work/childcare?
Carrying the mental load for EVERYTHING.
Elder care.
Being “nurturing.” I truly don’t believe that any gender is inherently more nurturing than any other. Lots of men nurture people in their lives, and lots of women aren’t great at nurturing others. Also there’s not really an objective set of “nurturing” qualities? Everyone needs different forms of nurturing. When people say “women are more nurturing,” what they really mean is “our socialization expects women to be the ones to do domestic/parenting things and so they do more of them.”
Similar feelings about motherhood and “having the power to create life.” That’s great, super powerful and cool and I’m sure it’s an indescribable thing to experience. Sincerely. All respect and care to people who get pregnant and give birth and raise children. But 1) that “power” is kind of just us having the organs we have in our bodies, and 2) we obviously don’t get pregnant and “create life” entirely by ourselves, and 3) especially in the US, we don’t actually follow through with supporting life in a lot of really crucial ways, so this weird fetishization of women’s “power to create life” contrasts in such a gross way with the actual lack of respect our society has for life—women’s or children’s or everyone else’s. (And this actually creeps me out when anyone anywhere on the political spectrum does this. Don’t put a bunch of weird magical feelings on my uterus, whether those are tradwife Christian feelings or woo goddess feelings—just, like, fight for people to all have access to healthcare and stuff. Make sure everyone has food and shelter and doesn’t have to be afraid of getting shot all the time. Build communities and infrastructure to create places where people can walk places and play outside and breathe the air. Stuff like that.)
Having relationships with men.
Being nice to everyone, manicure pedicure, makeup
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Being selfless. Prioritizing everyone else. Then being called selfish if you don’t or the martyr if you do.
And sex. Men get to suck in bed but women have to be pornstars. Ugh…
I believe that most answers & situations expressed here could be avoided by simply not getting married or having children with men. I honestly can’t fathom why any woman would want to do it at all, aside from the societal pressure.
Making sacrifices in life for a partner, spouse, or children. This feels absolutely burdensome and unfair.
Being endlessly patient and emotionally available. People call it emotional maturity or strength, but honestly it is draining to always be the one who listens, absorbs, and comforts, especially when no one asks how I am doing.
Honestly, it’s that expectation of always keeping everything perfectly organized like we’re supposed to keep track of literally everyone’s stuff. It’s exhausting
Being organised, being nice, lowering our standards/expectations and continuous overworking in thankless situations and positions.
Doing my hair every morning in some style that’s “acceptable”. And specifically for black women going to the salon to get my hair pressed. Uggg, I hate hair stuff and I wish the standard for hair stuff didn’t exist…for all of us, Afro hair, straight hair, Jew hair, Asian jet black like a stick hair….
Emotional labour. It’s a burden to understand everyone needs.
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Taking care of younger siblings or being a surrogate mother despite being a kid yourself.
Being the calm one in stressful and emotions situations. Society tells us that we’re the emotional ones, but when shit hits the fan we’re the ones deescalating and cleaning up the resulting mess. The truth is such a reversal of what the general belief is – it’s infuriating.
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Being a martyr. There was a discussion about how a mother had to remove her adult kid from her home as she was being verbally abused by her daughter and other women were telling her she should have taken one for the team, being a mother means willing to let your kids walk all over you apparently. It’s exhausting. We are human beings. We have feelings too and every right to not be somebody’s emotional punching bag no matter who they are and I’m tired of hearing the opposite especially from fellow women.
being nice all the fucking time. Like sometimes i just wanna tell people to leave me alone but that’s rude apparently
Fit after a pregnancy!
Oh the high and mighty woman who sacrifices everything. 🙄 Perhaps she is also human and wants to also experience the joys of life.
I guess I’m not sure if you mean the praise itself seems exhausting and performative, or if the thing that gets women praise is exhausting and performative.
Personally I think it’s exhausting and performative when women get praised for “looking so young for your age” as if we’re supposed to look like a swamp witch past the age of 29 or something. I feel like this one hits both my interpretations of your question too, because a lot of the time a ton of effort is put into looking good, regardless of what age we look. It’s frustrating that youth and beauty are used so synonymously. Just tell me I look good, full stop!
Breaking the glass ceiling and raising kids simultaneously
Looking pretty. I’m generally low maintenance but in scenarios where more effort is required for my appearance, I hate it.
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I love hosting events but I did it for work a lot (advantage—huge budget at my disposal at work). I’m experienced at making huge amounts of food that look like they’re a lot more work than they are lol. But if it’s a day for me, I want all my friends and family at my house and I love cooking for them. But I expect gifts. Lots of gifts 🙂
I would say the thing I hate which is corporately discouraged but still rampant in society is commenting on women’s looks and attaching merit to them, eg “i can hardly tell you’re pregnant!” Or “she looks much younger than she is.” Just no.
I mean, being “beautiful.” I can’t really elaborate I’m sure you all know what I mean- but it’s absolutely something society expects and praises us for but it’s fucking exhausting AND it’s pure performance for our gender “role”.
The expectation to be cheerful and outgoing.
As someone who tends to walk around with a pretty neutral expression and prefers to just kind their own business, it’s annoying having other people get annoyed at you just because you’re doing that.
I’ve literally had managers or bosses or just coworkers in general get super pissy right off the bat as a result.
Like at least if I was a guy people would think that I was stoic or something.
“Recovering” quickly after a pregnancy. She just gestated a human for 9 months in her uterus, but wow, look how fast she bounced back!! Our culture really has its priorities straight.
Getting engaged. When I got engaged I would have stranger overhear my conversation with my now husband or friends and they would congratulate me as if I crossed some kind of strange finish line.
Being polite and gracious. If you are going to be rude to me then I should have every right to consider that as gloves off go time. Being the bigger person is over rated. I feel I should be able to show the same consideration I am given without being judged because I clapped back.
Dressing up a la Sabrina Carpenter while they just show up in gym shorts and a t shirt.