what’s something your ex did that felt small at the time but now screams red flag? 🚩
what’s something your ex did that felt small at the time but now screams red flag? 🚩
r/AskWomen
what’s something your ex did that felt small at the time but now screams red flag? 🚩
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Lied on our first date. It was such a small thing. I had caught him call me the wrong name (not completely, it was a similar name). He lied and said he didn’t.
Turns out he’s actually a massive liar, manipulator and gaslighter. I have no clue if anything he told me is true now.
Asked me to lie to his parents about something small in a way that made me look bad (specifically, asked me to tell them I was arguing with him via text when he got into a fender bender). At the time we’d just started dating and I didn’t really care that much what they thought of me, so I did it. He later used that and a few other similar instances he manipulated me into to “prove” to them I was crazy, jealous, abusive, etc. after we broke up. He was really playing the long con; at the time these instances happened, we were perfectly happy together, but he was still hedging his bets.
Anyway. Someone asking you to lie for them, even about something small that doesn’t seem like a big deal, is a total red flag. Wish I’d realized.
he actually told me he’s a liar. i told him i wouldnt tolerate lies, so he better not.
he said ‘sure thing, baby.’
*sigh*
“Got mad when I didn’t text back fast enough. Thought they just cared… nope, control issues. 🚩”
Didn’t want to go public about our relationship, we were in university together and he was student council committee while I was very active with clubs and etc, and he said it was cos ppl might think the committee was favouring my clubs and being biased etc.
Nope, it was so he could cheat on me. I was just too naive to realise.
He lied to a cashier. Nothing really criminal, cashier just routinely asked how our day was going and when I was just about to say, “fine, how about yourself?” he spoke first and said we had gotten into an accident on our way to the store. Not true at all, we didn’t even have a close call.
I should have realized then how much it spoke to him being an impulsive, casual liar. It did really bother me at the time but I talked myself down and convinced myself I was just being silly. After all, it was a lie that didn’t really have an impact on anything. But really, it told me everything I should have known.
He called me while I was out to dinner with my friend and got pissy because I flipped it to voicemail. When I saw him next, he said he flushed my number down the toilet. I should’ve walked away.
“I try to be nice”
At the time I thought that’s some good personal growth in the making to admit that. Turns out no, he’s a walking red flag in very ‘nice’ packaging.
As someone who just IS nice, maybe to a fault, I never really need to try. I want to be kind and help people, trying isn’t something I ever have to do.
He’d ignore me after every fight, never talk things through. Days would pass then he’d show up with food like nothing happened. No “sorry”, no explanation… Just acted like everything was fine. Back then, I was naive and was very “in love” so I didn’t realize it was a huge red flag.
Condoms kept coming off during sex (or he took it off?), then when I asked is he wearing a condom, he SHOCKINGLY discovered that he isn’t and then got MAD AT ME as to why I didn’t tell him earlier.
Very manipulative, if you ask me.
Dude, YOU are behind me. You should see when your condom comes off?
Had to take 3 SOS pills, because his condom kept coming off until I finally snapped at him to buy smaller sized condoms. I also stopped having sex with him and moved out. F that
drink constantly
Gentle emotional manipulation.
Talking to his ex’s and lied even on small little things.
It got to a point that I couldn’t remember a time when we had a conversation without him staring at his phone. He would either be “responding to work messages” or watching stupid reels and half the time I’d have to repeat what I said because of course he wasn’t listening.
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Criticised my natural hair colour and told me he prefers black hair and I should dye it.
Making me feel guilty for hanging out with friends, any and all of my friends, regardless of who they were.
Love bombing in the beginning, but I didn’t know that’s what she was doing or even what love bombing was, so I suppose I felt like it was great that someone wanted me as much as she seemed to be demonstrating she did. I mean… I was also overwhelmed and confused felt like a horrible person when she got upset at me for not responding ‘correctly’ to a love letter she wrote and when I didn’t have the money to reciprocate a fairly expensive present she got me not that long after we even started talking (not that she expected me to, but it was a big gesture and I felt awkward), and I ended up in tears several times because it was all just A Lot… but still, nope, didn’t think it was a red flag. 😕
It was only my second relationship and my ex-husband hadn’t ever behaved that way and I think I thought it was somehow kind of romantic and maybe that’s what passion was and I was also just thrilled that another woman was actually interested in me (I’m bi), so… yeah. I was incredibly naive. I genuinely had no idea people could be attracted to you and also be shitty to you, and I learnt the hard way. The whole thing ended up being a toxic nightmare and it brought out unpleasant parts of me as well.
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When we were first talking, I noticed every time I pulled out my phone to check my messages and reply, his eyes would be glued to my screen. Didn’t really bug me at the time but I thought it was kind of odd, since I always look away from people’s phones when I see them replying to messages if I don’t know them very well. Don’t want them to think I’m nosey or something.
Fast forward a few months when we’re dating and he’s constantly going through my phone. Constantly snooping through my social media and hacking into my accounts to go through my messages. Constant accusations… yeah. There were other red flags but that one stuck with me for some reason.
He used to get mad when I wanted to spend time with friends or family without him. Back then I thought it was just him wanting to be with me all the time. Now I realize it was control. 🚩
He became wildly defensive during our first minor argument. He turned it around on me and I ended up apologizing. It happened so fast and I was so shocked and confused. I didn’t know what gaslighting was and had never experienced it before so I let it go.
It happened again not long after and it was waaaay more extreme in response to me telling him my feelings were hurt by something he did. He absolutely lost it and started calling me names, told me I was being crazy and that I had done way worse things to him but he didn’t say anything.
As I sat there dumbfounded and shared our conversation with a close friend, who was also a therapist, she told me I was being gaslit.
If someone can’t handle slight criticism or refuse to apologize or take any accountability for how they made you feel (not to mention actually giving a shit about how you feel), RUN.
loved me for months before i gave him a chance
He always find way to have a fight if he knew that I am doing great at work, or got a salary increase or got promoted. At first his reasoning is I might get tired always and will not have enough time our son. I didn’t know back then that this screams insecurity and gaslighting.
Physical abuse
He bragged about me to his friends, in front of me. Or looked at my picture telling how beautiful and wonderful I am, while his friends were there and I was there, while he completely ignored me for complete day. I have no idea how much he objectifies me behind my back. It also hurts to not being considered in many situations but idealised elsewhere. How about living TO and WITH whom you are. Lol nope.
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Would never let me around his family and barely his friends
Lying here as well! Fucking pisses me off big time. All I ask is honesty and it’s just not possible with him:(😔
Since I’m feeling a bit petty, my ex and I were long distance for the first few months until he decided to find a job in my country and move there. But before this, we were seeing each other about 2 weekends a month on alternate weekends, and at one of the skipped weekends he decided to surprise me when I had plans to not do anything.
Judged me for not liking wine bc he was a wine connoisseur. I was 24 at the time and hadn’t been surrounded by wine yet. None of my friends were drinking it yet. I felt so embarrassed and forced myself to like it.
❌Compared me to his friends’ girlfriends or just girl friends in general. Kept on asking me why can’t I be more like them, why can’t I have the same vibes as them, etc.
❌ Never helped me with house chores, even when I got sick.
❌ Always swept our problems under the rug, made me felt like he was never ready for hard conversations.
❌ Walking faster than me when we’re having dates in malls. Always felt alone because we would always walk separately as if he didn’t know me.
❌ Never initiate to pay for his own meals when we’re out on dates.
Never had fun. He acted like a stick in the mud and would make fun of everyone for being so immature and not having their lives together. In reality, he just always needed to feel superior to everyone who was around. I’m quite sure that he’s still offended that I have not crawled into a hole and died without him taking care of me. My success and happiness without him must upset him so deeply that he has to revert to being unemployed and living off of his father.
My first relationship. We had an age gap of 10 years, i was 18. I asked him what does he find interesting in me, why me, and he told me that for interesting conversations he has friends.
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When a song came on the radio that I liked and was obviously enjoying, he’d change the channel and when I protested he’d pretend he couldn’t find it again, and laugh. All the time. A seemingly little thing but so indicative of how senselessly cruel he could be for absolutely no reason.
Ate the whole dinner I made without asking me if I had any. He is selfish without regard to other people.
When I would confront him about how some of the things he said felt very mean he would say, “I’m not mean I’m just honest”. Such a gaslighter.
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Wanted me to climax while he knew I was reliving trauma
I only found out like 1-2 years later about the little lies he made, that kindaaa made sense back then, but it all slowly fell apart when he forgot he lied about them in the first place. I thought some stuff were weird and didn’t add up, but just let it go because he kept trying to convince me.
Later on, he tried to gaslight me into thinking I was remembering wrongly, but I have receipts! All I had to do was search specific words in the chat history lmao
I get that he did it out of shame and embarrassment, sometimes even laziness, but it still isn’t an excuse to lie about things.
I should’ve listened to my gut feeling 🙁
Dishonesty. He lied about being divorced, didn’t mention that he had an STD until several weeks after talking to him, lied about his living situation. He had great reasons for why he did what he did. He was a great talker. I’m pretty smart and he was able to Talk his way out of all of it. I should’ve walked away at the first lie, but I stuck it out for several months and then ironically he ended it ha ha
Withheld the truth. He told me had a DUI. I later found out he actually had 2 DUIs. At first I characterized it as misspeaking, trying to give him the benefit of a doubt.
Passive aggressive. Getting mad and then silent treatment while you have no idea whats upset them. Bro, I’m not a mind reader. Use your damn words. It’s manipulative and immature.
I was snoring when I was pregnant, and he said he couldn’t sleep next to, so I had to sleep on our tiny couch. I worked FT too. He then started to jab his elbow in back when I was in bed next to him, till I woke up. Many more reasons why he’s an “Ex”!
Whenever he talked about his past relationships he never used their name or say she/her. I think he always referred to her as they/them. Not for her sake but because he distanced himself from using language that would make her more human.
He later did the same thing to me. He also stalked me for 5 years. Through 3 jobs, two new homes and vehicles.
Cops didn’t care. Told me if I ignored him how would he know to leave me alone. Then when I stopped ignoring him and told him to leave me alone they said because I responded I was encouraging him.
Was deceptive about where his parents live (they live next door to him lmao) and would just say that they live in this town… then he lied and told me he “definitely probably told me” when I know he DID NOT. I’m not a fucking idiot.
Also my other ex went to the strip club after I threw him a surprise party for getting a promotion at work. Asked me if I wanted to go…. he knew the dancer from when they were teenagers… I could go on and on about that ex. Not one damn person in my life was sad to see him go when we broke up.
He lied to me telling me that he had switched careers going into real estate from being an administrator at a high school because he was burned out and wanted to try something new. Nope, it turned out he was fired by the school for punching a student.
He was in the Opus Dei and told me I dressed like a hooker for wearing a miniskirt.
When I went into his room for the first time, and he told me he wasn’t sure what was open on his computer so I covered my eyes while he checked o.o
He would always remind me that I studied shit (did education) and would tell me to“aspire” to be like his female coworkers because they were in “sciency stuff”
so this isn’t small at all but he told me he killed someone. it was so casual and it was the first time i met him that it felt small to me at the time. my subconscious mind did take it in though!
spoiler: this guy proceeded to sexually and mentally/emotionally abuse me for months.
Punched a mirror
He said I catfished him online. He said he didn’t know I was a bigger girl. It was 2018 and there wasn’t great cameras where you could see my whole body, I didn’t have a full length mirror and I didn’t have friends to take body pics of me. I wasn’t hiding my weight, I just didn’t have any pics and from my face he couldn’t tell. He’d treat me so bad, it got way worse over the years, a few months into dating he said some girl was out of his league cause she was a nurse of whatever, then said I was sensitive for getting upset that he thought she was better then me. Now I see it as a red flag.
Lost over 100lbs that I gained while dating him cause he made me depressed. Now I’m smaller than when I dated him. Grew out my hair for this man and he still did me dirty, dumped me after my cat died, got a new gf while we were temporarily living together and he fucked her all weekend, used my bank card for their date and condoms and then laughed in my face when he told me about it. Dated that man child for 5 years, ended up homeless, in debt, bad credit, starving and got trafficked, abused and SAed. Never will I sacrifice like that in a relationship. Love isn’t suffering and accepting a lower quality life experience to help out an energy vampire. Glad he’s dating his gf, now he has no reason to bother me.
The night we were supposed to meet for our first date was cold and rainy and we were meeting about 30 minutes away from my house. I asked to reschedule because I didn’t want to drive on icy roads at night. He told me that was a dumb reason and made me feel stupid for wanting to cancel over something like that. I didn’t go but for some reason met up with him the next night. My dumb ass endured two years of constant negativity and made to feel dumb. Glad I woke up out of that.
Make fake accounts to get onto mine that I had him blocked on / login to my email accounts secretly somehow
The way he spoke to his mother
He was flaky but I still thought he’s busy. Then he ghosted an important conversation for 16 days, came back to tell me he was overwhelmed. So I asked him to fuck off.
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When a friend bought me a milktea drink, I gave it to him since my stomach was hurting. He then drink and played with the drink, he keeps spitting out the tapioca on the streets in our way home. I asked him, frustrated, (since it was given to me by my friend and I find what he’s doing wasteful) why he does that and he told me “my mom told me that drinking milktea is bad for my health”.
He also called me by his ex’s name and told me that I heard him wrong. It has been the fourth time he does that. He even stopped midway because he knew he said the wrong name. He brushed it off and said multiple excuses before admitting what I heard was right.
Sorry for the grammatical errors. English is not my first language
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Asking me to do things early on. Im a helpful person and didn’t think anything of it at the time. But looking back I realise it was him testing boundaries for his weaponised incompetence. Like not being able to walk HIS own active dogs that he bought 🤦🏻♀️
He always wanted to share the things he enjoyed with me but he never showed any interest in the things I cared about. If I wanted to show him a movie I like, he would work on something else while watching it that would distract him or he would just be on his phone. Anytime I made plans for us to do anything, he wouldn’t want to go so we just wouldn’t go. I played him a song I really love and while I was full of tears because it felt vulnerable, he said “Yeah, I just don’t get it”. Then when we broke up he had the audacity to say he took charge in the relationship and I didn’t provide much.
Not a small thing, but he used to cry when I said no to certain things, I thought that it was because he loved me so much, maybe too much. But now that he’s gone, I’m coming to the realisation that he is just a manipulator.
When I told him the type of dog I had wanted since I was a kid, he told me that he did not like small dogs and we would never get one. I kinda shrugged it off because my dad is the same way (only likes big dogs).
Turns out he was very controlling and it evolved into much bigger “forbiddences.”
For the record my now husband got me the dog.
Coaxed me for sex when I didn’t want to.
Asked me to help with money.
Never committed to a timeline of marriage or future.
Told me the town he talked me into moving to with him at 21 when he was 31 on the other side of the country had mass transit.
He said He was selfish, I thought “well it’s ok to put yourself first”. Hell, He wholeheartedly meant it in a bad way.
He lied about something I saw on his dating profile.
We decided i was to help him with his business, but he was afraid to even add me (as a friend) on his socials (and mod on his business page to solicit new clients) and he started backpedaling about it.
He had no boundaries with people and sketchy “friends”. His best bud was cheating and bragging and theyd talk in code about different girls my ex had been with as if the ladies were his old “friends”.
He was absolutely paranoid and struggled with transparency.
Dropping off our (then) young child to the babysitter or my mom constantly on his days off. At the time, I was working out of town but always had our daughter on my days off and did all the pick ups and drop offs when we were both working. I know now he was cheating with his married couple-worker.
Graduated anger management… for the second time.
Anytime I brought up issues I was concerned with, it turned into the classic DARVO: Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender. I got to the point where I thought I was the problem and everything was my fault. Turns out he’s an asshole.
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Too many to count, but here are a couple standouts:
-I’m naturally curious and I wanted to build a computer. He offered to help. Great! At one point, the process involved a soldering iron and I really wanted to try it to learn how it worked. He wouldn’t let me near it. He did it “for me”, assuring me that I would mess it up.
-On a related note, I had a cute little truck at the time. I wanted to put the spare tire I had in the bed where it belonged (underside of the bed). I had no idea how it worked, but he did I guess. I asked him to show me. Again, he just did it while I watched because it’s “not something I should do”.
This was 15 years ago. I don’t let gender roles or a man tell me what I can or can’t do especially when it comes to cars or computers . 💪
Told me he was going to kill himself and stomped upstairs bc I asked him if he could do his laundry
I went to the grocery store and bought myself frozen meals for my lunch at work. He got so mad that I didn’t buy him any that he threw my food away. Said I was selfish for not getting him anything. I did buy other food for the house but I didn’t get him anything “special.” 🙄
BTW he was living in the house I was buying.
Wanted me to spend all my time with him and his friends. I was so dumb to be flattered; he just wanted to get rid of my friends (it worked.)
Had a couple of out-of-his-league female friends who were not part of his friend group and never hung out with us. Yeah, these were girls he was flirting with and talking shit about me to, and it turned out to be like 30 girls, not a couple. (They were playing with him and enjoying getting one over on me; not sure if he ever convinced one of them to fuck him.) Whenever I ran into one of them they would tell him I had bullied them, and he believed THEM (it was the opposite.)
Hahahaha oh boy this brings back so many emotions! I was 19, he was 30. He was sitting with my dad and me in the living room and we were all talking. Someone asked the time and I picked up his phone to check the time and he literally snatched it out of my hand. I never did see that was on his phone but I still wish I threw him out then and there. Only waited until he went home to break up with him.
He was a 30 year old virgin who had never even been in a relationship– that’s not the red flag though. I asked why he hadn’t been in a relationship and he said that all of the women he was interested in weren’t into him. He elaborated… 🚩
The first woman was married and in his gaming group. Her husband was also in the group. They flirted but the husband found out and they left the group/my ex was kicked out.
The second? He didn’t know for sure if she was dating someone else but felt there were signs she was. He pursued her and she announced quickly that she was dating someone to the group friend.
Third? A friend who was in a relationship. He drunkenly had his first kiss with her while she was with her boyfriend.
He only ever liked women in relationships. I just thought ooooh what a poor guy, he has bad luck. Uh no. He was emotionally distant for most of our relationship and when we broke up, twice, he blamed me and didn’t talk to me prior or after our break up. But requested we still be friends and had a fit when I said no.
The second time we broke up, for good, he had blamed me. A month or two later, he told my best friend he liked her and wanted to pursue something with her while he and I still lived together. She called me to tell me and he lied and denied it at first, but I didn’t drop it. Then he confessed that he had feelings for her for a while. She was married
He was unreasonably mean to his Mom (she was an absolute sweetheart). It was so bad I stopped attending his family gatherings. Surprise, it translated to his treatment of me once he got comfortable and the mask started to slip.
When I was in grad school my ex and I were living together. It was a Friday night and he had been drinking but ran out of beer and asked if I’d drive him to the store. We go to the store, he gets his beer and I get some ice cream. We paid separately because he felt strongly about men not paying for women 🚩
Anyway, he grabs both bags to go up to the apartment. He had also grabbed some food things aside from the beer that needed to go in the fridge and freezer. He puts all the bags down on the counter. I ask if he’s gonna put the stuff away and he says sure. I go shower and go to bed. I wake up the next morning to the grocery bags on the counter so I go to throw them away, only to find that he put everything, BUT my ice cream away, there was a huge puddle inside the bag of melted ice cream. I got upset and asked him why he didn’t also put away the ice cream as not only did he put away everything else but he also had to walk by it sitting on the counter again before going to bed. He said “it’s yours, why would I put it away?” And looked truly dumbfounded as to why I was upset.
Later found out that he never wanted to own a home or have kids because both were “too much work.” 🚩🚩🚩