One guy said I had a “cro magnon forehead” and “volcanoes all over [my] face”. I also got “somebody left Matt Damon in the oven too long” and (my favorite) “Fat Damon”.
One of my family members is very short. She’s almost in her 30’s and is the same height as a 10-12 year old. She usually gets cold and gets the flu alot so one day I said. “Maybe the reason youre getting sick and cold all the time is because youre short enough to be under the weather.”
I had always prided myself on the fact that I was a barbecue wizard who learnt all my skills from my mum who was the Witch Queen of fire and iron. I learnt so many things about cooking on the charcoal grill that it even impressed my parents in law who were notoriously fussy eaters when they came over for dinner.
My mother in law said to my wife something along the lines of “Sweetie, you’re so lucky you get to eat like this whenever you want. You know, your future kids are going to be so happy at dinner time. speaking of which, hint hint, your dad and I are still waiting, when are you going to give us a handful of grandkids to play with?”
To which my wife replied with. “Yeah, if he spent time pounding me like he spent pounding the meat for dinner we would have had them by now.”
Yeah. 8 years later and it still gets brought up.
Yes, we have a kid now, in case you were wondering.
Overheard a fella at the local pub giving it large and completely exaggerating his part in a fight that had occurred the week previous.
The dude was just about finished explaining how he had taken on three lads on his own and then his friend loudly declared “G’WAY BOY AND THEN YA WOKE UP”
I ejected the Guinness out through my nose in the attempt to stop from laughing because the exaggerator just shut up and stopped talking for the rest of the evening 🤣🤣
Worked at a bakery (high volume) and it was middle of summer before the 4th so we were working like 12 days in a row… hot… tired.. stressed.
I was the oven op there, and the seeder for the buns was acting up for a week… called my sup to whine to him again about it not working right.
“Why dont you be a good Jew and hop onto the belt into the oven where you belong”.
Now, I dont get offended mostly… but as soon as that phrase exited his mouth that poor mans face was as white as our uniforms.
I was stunned… and I looked at him and just started laughing. I mean, that was funny ( to me ) and that was something I have not been told EVER. I mean it was just perfect.
I mean that could have been an HR visit but really… whatever.
Had a student ask me about condoms during sex ed. I was explaining the process and he said, “I’ve always been wondering about that barcode at the base of every condom.”. I said, “I’ve never seen barcodes at the bottom of condoms.” He smiled and said, “Oh, guess you don’t gotta roll yours down that far, huh?”. Had to give it to him, and I just laughed and laughed.
Overheard: At a gym, next to me is a skinny dude getting trained by his friend. As he is struggling to finish the overhead dumbbell press, friend goes “come on, give me 1 more…No wonder your girlfriend left you and you drive a Hyundai.” He delivered that extra rep! Ded
I was a lanky 18 year old working manual labor in a crew of 10 or so, headed by a journeyman carpenter. One day while trying to pound a ribar with a sledgehammer, I missed it on my first swing and then grazed it but hit myself square in the ankle with the second. He stops me and asks me if I had gotten laid yet, which I hadn’t. He replied that he’d give a year’s salary to watch me fuck because it’d be the most awkward, hilarious moment he’d ever see.
Some dude was pissing of a girl in a video game, this was like a group raid or somethint, she hit him with “if you don’t stop, imma fuck your dad and give him the son he always wished for”. I don’t know if there is any comeback or if that dude ever recovered from this.
Note: read this long time ago, dunno if I paraphrased it accurately.
Oldest guy in the shop is M. He’s only 38. But the younger guys joke about him being the old guy in shop. He’s also here about 10 minutes before everyone else as he’s the Floor Lead.
M was running late ans it was real close to the buzzer, and as he opens the door and doesn’t even have a foot in the door B(26) asks him “Did your walker freeze to the ground” 10 guys had a laughing fit and M to his credit, didn’t turn around and go home
During the summer before I went into Jr High my parents bought my grandparents house. There was a fair amount of remodeling inside and landscaping outside. My dad told me to move a huge pile of rocks from the yard to the corner of the pasture. He gave me a week to do it – expecting me to use a wheelbarrow and take the entire week. During my explorations of the new place I found a pile of lumber and the hardware and wheels for a wagon. I spent a day building a wagon to pull behind our lawn tractor and a day moving the rocks. That meant that I had the rest of the week to do whatever I wanted. My dad, in and attempt to insult me said “You’ll always find the easiest way to do a job, won’t you.” Instead of saying “Yup!”, I was smart enough to put on a blank stare. It was at that point that I realized he was just giving me busy work to keep me out of the way.
My older sister to me. ” You may have a good body , big dick and a pretty face. But that doesn’t mean you can fuck any girl you want. She’s your niece” for back ground. I was back home after serving overseas. I hadn’t seen my sister for 12 years when I saw her last I slept with her best friend. My nieces were 4yo,3 yo and 6 month old at that time. She basically inferred I slept with my underage niece. I was devastated and she eviscerated me with insults for a year even got me In trouble at work with it for about a year. When my brother in law died it turns out the girl I slept with was his daughter from a previous marriage and she was 24. Not exactly an insult but I had to hand it to her. And yes I was a shitty uncle and even worse brother.
I was in a group chat, and not an insult a received. I sent an image of “teen touchers go” and with a bunch of pedos. Accusations went and one friend denied being the main character of teen touchers go.
I said it was because teenagers were too old for him. I said that they were practically expired for him
A girl I went to high school with was around 6ft and was rather large. Her second name began with Mac, like Macalister (I won’t use her real name). Anyway someone came up with he name “Big Mac”. She took it pretty well and even called herself it.
Not me, but a male friend was once wearing a pair of terrible dress shoes to a wedding. Someone said to him “That’s some pair of shoes. You could flip pancakes with those.”
Me and my friend were having an argument about something, I knew I was right, he knew I was right, he was just being a wind up. After I explained my point he looked at me dead in the eyes and said ‘go to the toilet and take your face for a shit’ and that’s how you win an argument even when you’re wrong.
“I stuck up for you the other day. The guys were talking shit behind your back, saying you like to suck on cocks and cucumbers. I said; Hey…! I know for a fact that he hates cucumbers!”
I work as a psychiatric nurse.
One night the police brought us a new manic patient. She didn’t take meds, tried to hit and bite us and screamed the whole time. After trying to give her meds and talking to her, while she just insults us constantly without taking a breath, we had to cuff her to her bed.
We tried several times that night to give her some meds. One time I thought she was really gonna take them.
She said:”Okay I’m taking them. But you first have to fill up half a cup of water.”
I did, getting more and more optimistic.
Her:”now fill the other half with apple juice”
Sure thing. Happy to do it.
“Now get me a straw.”
Of course, why not. Totally reasonable request. I got her a straw.
“Now take that straw and shove it up your stinky ass!”
I paused for a moment, didn’t really realise what just happened. Then I couldn’t hold back my laughter anymore and left the room. My colleagues were watching the whole thing through a camera in her room and couldn’t stop laughing either.
Comments
I was more talented than this guy in boxing. I won and he said I needed validation.
A lot of these when I posted to “Roast Me”.
One guy said I had a “cro magnon forehead” and “volcanoes all over [my] face”. I also got “somebody left Matt Damon in the oven too long” and (my favorite) “Fat Damon”.
I’m a shorter fella and have a “B” name, so I got B-minus.
My 9 year old watched me make a mistake, and I apologized for it. He said “it’s ok mom. Everyone makes mistakes. I mean, look at your parents!”
One of my family members is very short. She’s almost in her 30’s and is the same height as a 10-12 year old. She usually gets cold and gets the flu alot so one day I said. “Maybe the reason youre getting sick and cold all the time is because youre short enough to be under the weather.”
I had always prided myself on the fact that I was a barbecue wizard who learnt all my skills from my mum who was the Witch Queen of fire and iron. I learnt so many things about cooking on the charcoal grill that it even impressed my parents in law who were notoriously fussy eaters when they came over for dinner.
My mother in law said to my wife something along the lines of “Sweetie, you’re so lucky you get to eat like this whenever you want. You know, your future kids are going to be so happy at dinner time. speaking of which, hint hint, your dad and I are still waiting, when are you going to give us a handful of grandkids to play with?”
To which my wife replied with. “Yeah, if he spent time pounding me like he spent pounding the meat for dinner we would have had them by now.”
Yeah. 8 years later and it still gets brought up.
Yes, we have a kid now, in case you were wondering.
Overheard a fella at the local pub giving it large and completely exaggerating his part in a fight that had occurred the week previous.
The dude was just about finished explaining how he had taken on three lads on his own and then his friend loudly declared “G’WAY BOY AND THEN YA WOKE UP”
I ejected the Guinness out through my nose in the attempt to stop from laughing because the exaggerator just shut up and stopped talking for the rest of the evening 🤣🤣
When I get called a smartass lol when I’m in the right
I was reeeally short in Jr. and Sr. High and carried the nickname Half Nelson (from a sitcom about a little person) throughout.
“Do you think your mum wanted you to die instead of your brother?”
I was called a cum guzzling gutter whore. I am not a whore, and I don’t guzzle cum.
I said to a female friend “hey, I have a little problem.” and she said “I know, it’s in your pants”. I laughed so hard. She roasted me good.
I said to the boss “not all heroes wear capes” after doing a good job. He replied quick as lighting
“not all cowboys ride horses” I laughed so hard,
“You remind me of a dump I took in highschool”
Worked at a bakery (high volume) and it was middle of summer before the 4th so we were working like 12 days in a row… hot… tired.. stressed.
I was the oven op there, and the seeder for the buns was acting up for a week… called my sup to whine to him again about it not working right.
“Why dont you be a good Jew and hop onto the belt into the oven where you belong”.
Now, I dont get offended mostly… but as soon as that phrase exited his mouth that poor mans face was as white as our uniforms.
I was stunned… and I looked at him and just started laughing. I mean, that was funny ( to me ) and that was something I have not been told EVER. I mean it was just perfect.
I mean that could have been an HR visit but really… whatever.
Had a student ask me about condoms during sex ed. I was explaining the process and he said, “I’ve always been wondering about that barcode at the base of every condom.”. I said, “I’ve never seen barcodes at the bottom of condoms.” He smiled and said, “Oh, guess you don’t gotta roll yours down that far, huh?”. Had to give it to him, and I just laughed and laughed.
Overheard: At a gym, next to me is a skinny dude getting trained by his friend. As he is struggling to finish the overhead dumbbell press, friend goes “come on, give me 1 more…No wonder your girlfriend left you and you drive a Hyundai.” He delivered that extra rep! Ded
“You look like the kinda guy that sucks “duck” for bus fare, and then walks home.”
Wasn’t said to me but I still laugh way too hard at that one. Personally been waiting to use it ever since.
“You talk so much shit, getting a blowjob from you should count as anal.”
You should have been a blowjob, heard a dad say to his son during a father son golf tournament after the son hit a bad shot
Kiss my ass
I don’t have enough time or enough shaving cream
I was a lanky 18 year old working manual labor in a crew of 10 or so, headed by a journeyman carpenter. One day while trying to pound a ribar with a sledgehammer, I missed it on my first swing and then grazed it but hit myself square in the ankle with the second. He stops me and asks me if I had gotten laid yet, which I hadn’t. He replied that he’d give a year’s salary to watch me fuck because it’d be the most awkward, hilarious moment he’d ever see.
Shirley Jackson called. She said you won the lottery.
Read this on some post
Some dude was pissing of a girl in a video game, this was like a group raid or somethint, she hit him with “if you don’t stop, imma fuck your dad and give him the son he always wished for”. I don’t know if there is any comeback or if that dude ever recovered from this.
Note: read this long time ago, dunno if I paraphrased it accurately.
I once called my friend a pussy (as a joke) and his response was “well then you better fuck me now cause I’m the only one you’re gonna get!”
That was 10 years ago. I still remember it to this day. It still burns.
Never received it but I give it a lot. Im a fatter dude so I get the fat thing a lot so my response is generally..
“You know why I’m so fat?? Cuz everytime I fuck your wife she makes cupcakes”
That I’m no steroids
Some dude on FB said I look like I eat cigarette butts 🤣
While playing a video game I was told “the only difference between cancer and your aim is that cancer actually kills people”
He kinda had a point 🧍♀️
That I Am Beautiful!
“Donut” to put this in context I’ve had a brain tumour removed successfully and it was a good friend.
Not me, but I was there to witness it.
Oldest guy in the shop is M. He’s only 38. But the younger guys joke about him being the old guy in shop. He’s also here about 10 minutes before everyone else as he’s the Floor Lead.
M was running late ans it was real close to the buzzer, and as he opens the door and doesn’t even have a foot in the door B(26) asks him “Did your walker freeze to the ground” 10 guys had a laughing fit and M to his credit, didn’t turn around and go home
That im so skinny even the grim reaper would be jealous. This was back before i finally put on even just a few pounds. 🤣
something down the line that i’m a fascist perfectionist lol
A lot of these are corny as hell
During the summer before I went into Jr High my parents bought my grandparents house. There was a fair amount of remodeling inside and landscaping outside. My dad told me to move a huge pile of rocks from the yard to the corner of the pasture. He gave me a week to do it – expecting me to use a wheelbarrow and take the entire week. During my explorations of the new place I found a pile of lumber and the hardware and wheels for a wagon. I spent a day building a wagon to pull behind our lawn tractor and a day moving the rocks. That meant that I had the rest of the week to do whatever I wanted. My dad, in and attempt to insult me said “You’ll always find the easiest way to do a job, won’t you.” Instead of saying “Yup!”, I was smart enough to put on a blank stare. It was at that point that I realized he was just giving me busy work to keep me out of the way.
My older sister to me. ” You may have a good body , big dick and a pretty face. But that doesn’t mean you can fuck any girl you want. She’s your niece” for back ground. I was back home after serving overseas. I hadn’t seen my sister for 12 years when I saw her last I slept with her best friend. My nieces were 4yo,3 yo and 6 month old at that time. She basically inferred I slept with my underage niece. I was devastated and she eviscerated me with insults for a year even got me In trouble at work with it for about a year. When my brother in law died it turns out the girl I slept with was his daughter from a previous marriage and she was 24. Not exactly an insult but I had to hand it to her. And yes I was a shitty uncle and even worse brother.
“You’re too shallow to be hollow”, I actually had to think about it.
“You look like you got hit by a Maybelline truck.”
(I was 15 and hadn’t figured out makeup yet)
I got called Townhouse Gums because my gums show when I smile. It cracks me up everything I think about it because she was right
There’s this gem from the movie Titanic, Rose saying it to Cal early on in the sinking, “I’d rather be his whore than your wife”.
I was singing.
“Hey, who sings that?”
“Adele, I think.”
“Let’s keep it that way.”
It would have been devastating had I been a crap singer, well done Lexie.
I put a stick-on Autobot badge on the back of my first car. It was, to put it mildly, a bit of an old shitbox.
Drove it to work the next day and met a colleague as I was getting out.
Him: “Autobot logo, right?”
Me, feeling pretty chuffed that someone recognised it: “Yeah that’s right!”
Him: “Cool! So, what does it transform into? A car?”
I was in a group chat, and not an insult a received. I sent an image of “teen touchers go” and with a bunch of pedos. Accusations went and one friend denied being the main character of teen touchers go.
I said it was because teenagers were too old for him. I said that they were practically expired for him
That one that went viral on tiktok had me laughing at every repost. It was ‘yeah well you look easy to draw’ 😂
“You look like you have to think about which chin to use when you talk.” Honestly I was so impressed I didn’t have words.
Im a female with naturally red hair…someone called me raggedy ann…I busted out laughing..it was funny
I think I was compared to a guy complaining about how crass and unromantic the orgy he attended was.
I have Parkinson’s Disease and a coworker asks me occasionally, “What’s shakin’?” and I laugh every single time.
A girl I went to high school with was around 6ft and was rather large. Her second name began with Mac, like Macalister (I won’t use her real name). Anyway someone came up with he name “Big Mac”. She took it pretty well and even called herself it.
I’d call you a cunt, but a cunt has warmth and depth.
Not me, but a male friend was once wearing a pair of terrible dress shoes to a wedding. Someone said to him “That’s some pair of shoes. You could flip pancakes with those.”
Me and my friend were having an argument about something, I knew I was right, he knew I was right, he was just being a wind up. After I explained my point he looked at me dead in the eyes and said ‘go to the toilet and take your face for a shit’ and that’s how you win an argument even when you’re wrong.
“I stuck up for you the other day. The guys were talking shit behind your back, saying you like to suck on cocks and cucumbers. I said; Hey…! I know for a fact that he hates cucumbers!”
I bet your mom kisses real good
I work as a psychiatric nurse.
One night the police brought us a new manic patient. She didn’t take meds, tried to hit and bite us and screamed the whole time. After trying to give her meds and talking to her, while she just insults us constantly without taking a breath, we had to cuff her to her bed.
We tried several times that night to give her some meds. One time I thought she was really gonna take them.
She said:”Okay I’m taking them. But you first have to fill up half a cup of water.”
I did, getting more and more optimistic.
Her:”now fill the other half with apple juice”
Sure thing. Happy to do it.
“Now get me a straw.”
Of course, why not. Totally reasonable request. I got her a straw.
“Now take that straw and shove it up your stinky ass!”
I paused for a moment, didn’t really realise what just happened. Then I couldn’t hold back my laughter anymore and left the room. My colleagues were watching the whole thing through a camera in her room and couldn’t stop laughing either.