I (28M) have been dating my girlfriend (23F) for about 9 months now, officially committed for the past 5. This is her first relationship.
Recently, she went to visit an old male friend in another city for a few days. They stayed in the same studio apartment (different sleeping arrangement). On two nights, they drank together, and she told me afterward that at one point, he made a move on her (on the 1st night). She didn’t reciprocate and said she felt uncomfortable.
I appreciate that she told me instead of hiding it — that meant a lot to me. My first reaction was concern for her safety. But I’ll admit, it also brought up some protective feelings and questions for me.
The thing I’m struggling with is how to talk about it in a way that sets healthy boundaries without sounding like I’m accusing her or trying to control her. I also find myself wondering how she felt toward him during that trip — not in a jealous way, but because I think understanding that would help me understand how to prevent situations like this from happening again.
For those who’ve been through something similar:
- How do you bring up what could be done differently next time without it feeling like blame?
- How do you set mutual boundaries that actually work in real life?
- And if you’ve been curious about your partner’s feelings toward someone in a tricky situation, how did you even ask that without starting an argument?
Would love to hear how others have navigated this.
TL;DR:
I (28M) have been with my girlfriend (23F, first relationship) for 9 months. She stayed a few days with a male friend, who made a move on her while drinking. She told me and didn’t reciprocate. How do I talk about setting boundaries and understanding her feelings without sounding controlling or accusatory?
cross posted in r/relationship_advice
Comments
The best way is to leave her and find a girlfriend who is not doing that sort of thing to you. The longer answer is that she is intentionally pulling your strings to satisfy her urges to humiliate you. Unless you have a specific kink to enjoy that sort of thing, best to end the relationship ASAP.
She went to see him because they are interested in each other.
This is not her first relationship
You sound naive af
I think you are young and the two of you probably haven’t had many relationships yet, SO, that being said, giving grace and patience to both of you as you navigate these things that are bound to happen firstly, is a good thing. I LOVE the way you are already asking the right questions and being so thoughtful and wanting to be intentional about it. I would suggest looking up Jayson Gaddis (“The Relationship School”) and Mark Groves (Create the Love)-these are mature dudes who talk about navigating partnership and just study the stuff and both have podcasts. I think you’d get a lot out of their content. I am impressed with you for this thread you started. Good luck to you!!! I’m sure you will handle it well. The important thing is leaning into the hard conversations head on, b/c conflict will most def arise—be with someone who you can do conflict with and who wants to grow/personal development…this is what Gaddis talks about a lot. Peace!
There is nothing to talk about at this point. She handled the situation and the experience will help her grow. She doesn’t need you to parent her.
Naturally if she plans a similar visit in the future you can gently remind her about this one.
I have bad news for you—you can’t prevent your gf being hit on by other guys. It’s just a fact of life for most women. It can happen at the grocery store or the club. No “boundary” is going to stop this from happening. I’m not even sure what kind of boundaries you want to set. It sounds like your gf shut this guy down and then told you about it, two clear indicators that she can handle herself and trusts you to trust her. What else do you want?
You can just tell her not you’re comfortable with her spending the night alone with another single male and would prefer it doesn’t happen again. Perfectly reasonable. It’s not appropriate for someone in a relationship.
There is no such thing as mutual boundaries.
Boundaries are set for yourself “I don’t want to date a woman who does X”
Not “you are not allowed to do X”
There’s nothing wrong with any boundary you set for yourself, you just can’t control that person’s response.
I think you’ve handled it pretty well so far, and agree that your first priority should be her safety. You can use this to lead the conversation, for example, ask ‘next time you travel, do you think you’d want to stay with him/other single male friends?’ She will likely say she doesn’t intend to stay again, but if she did, a healthy boundary would be to say, ‘I would be concerned for your safety and it’d make me uncomfortable if you stayed with him again’.
If she actually made plans to see him or stay with another male friend (assuming you’d also be uncomfortable with that), you could then say ‘I’ve told you how this makes me feel, if you insist to stay with him, I will have to reconsider this relationship [or whatever is reasonable for you]’. Regarding your last question, just ask her directly how she’s feeling about her friendship with him, free from agenda or blame.
The thing about boundaries is that you can only set them for yourself- for example, I feel uncomfortable when you take trips with that male friend, this is a boundary for ME, and x thing will happen if you continue this. You cannot set boundaries for her, that is her responsability alone.
I recommend you have an open discussion with her using I sentences. I felt like this, I think, I need this and that. Not YOU should this, you do this bla bla.
If this is something that bothers you so much, the worst thing you can do for the relationship is to keep it bottled up. You will slowly start becoming controlling and that is bound to create friction.
My best advice is that there’s not some kind of trick or perfect method ti talk about it. The main thing I will say is that it can really help to preface, or frame how you want what you say to be perceived, but also know that you’ll probably mess up and say things wrong at some point or another. Just be humble and take it slow and think about what you are asking. When I was younger I had a lot of trauma around this stuff, so I learned to have these critical conversations like this. “Hey, so I want to know if you’re open to talking about your trip for a little bit. I’ve been thinking a lot about some of things you’ve said already and I’m asking myself a lot of questions I don’t have answers for. I trust you, but my mind gets away from me sometimes and I feel like some reassurance could help me a lot if you’re up for it. The most important thing is that I’m honest with how I’m feeling. If you want time to process it yourself or if you feel like I’m asking too much, then it’s okay to say that.”
Just realize that she is probably heart broken over him making a pass at her, and could very possibly be dealing with the emotional loss of a friendship which she now questions may have been based completely on lies. And if she traveled to see him, then it was probably a pretty close and formative friendship.
The things you’re thinking are (I do not mean to offend) likely based on fear, and misogyny even if you really are not typically like that.
Why didn’t she leave?
You can’t make her dump her friend but you can try to make her realize her friend disrespected your relationship. You can let her know due to him making it known he has feelings for her you no longer feel comfortable with her staying with him again. If she can’t agree to that then you need to move on, don’t give her an ultimatum just tell her you can’t be with someone who is willing to stay the night with a guy who has already made a move on her.
How would she feel if the rolls were reversed?
Let me be the first to say congrats on the new baby.