They have to die on every hill on any disagreement, regardless on if they are are actually a correct or presented with evidence. It gets labeled as cutesy stubborness.
Trauma dumping / opening up about certain things extremely early on – it can often look like bonding and being honest and vulnerable (which are usually green flags), but I’ve learned that people can open up about personal stuff like anxiety and ocd to use them as a weapon. First to test how much you’re willing to bend to their will early on and then to be used down the line to guilt trip, avoid accountability and control far too many things (and even you) in the relationship and make sure they’re never inconvenienced in the relationship.
That’s not to demonise mental illness at all, but it’s definitely something overlooked and can be abused very subtly.
Alcohol consumption. Some people are fine with drinking 4-5 units per day, others are (for good reasons) not.
But don’t date someone knowing full well their alcohol consumption and then expect that the second you “turn serious” (kids, marriage) that they will stop.
If your friends and loved ones don’t like them. They’re seeing something you can’t because you’re high on dopamine or something. If more than one of the people close to you don’t like them, you should listen.
The number of bill collectors she had calling her at night. I knew she had to be terrible with finances and very irresponsible but the vag had me blindsided by how good it was.
When you decline something/doing something and they try to talk you into doing what they want. They’re not outright demanding, they’re going ‘but’ or ‘we can do this too’. They present it as a compromise. It’s not. It’s ’you need to’, it becomes ‘we are doing this’, ultimatums, and then you have no voice, no ability to say no. You don’t feel or think, you just automatically do what you’re told without question. You have no self anymore.
It’s not super overlooked in most relationships but I definitely missed it in mine… only ever wanting to do their hobbies and when you try to do your hobbies with them they judge you like crazy or refuse to even try it. Very obvious red flag but I was extremely love blind…
She was close friends with someone she met on tinder, and decided to stay friends. He still very openly had feelings for her, and she knew and did nothing about it whilst we were dating.
Inability to simply say “I’m sorry, I was wrong” when they’ve made a mistake. Hell, we all make mistakes (that’s why pencils come with erasers, after all). But at least own your mistakes. And apologize.
Lying. Sounds simple, but i myself used to overlook this all the time till I finally learned. If they’re lying about little shit, theyre lying about a lotta shit.
OK, these are all good red flags people are mentioning, but they aren’t very subtle or often overlooked.
I think one that is often missed is when someone starts making “reasonable” sounding excuses for why the relationship isn’t moving forward – work is tough, they don’t like labels, you’re rushing them too much, etc.
It’s clear you two are in different places, and the right thing to do is either give things a try your way or just break up. Playing the excuses game is just childish at best and emotionally abusive at worst. But so many people stick around to see if the person will change their mind.
No matter what you’re talking about, they always manage to make the conversation about themselves. They never try to get to know you because it’s all about them.
Maybe trying to order for a person at all rather than allowing for moods and curiosity to be explored. Definitely a red flag when it’s immediate. Also sort of unhealthy most of the time in the long run unless your partner’s in the bathroom or something when the order’s made.
^(I did say most of the time because some partner’s are into that)
(I’ve never done this but a few friends were the kind to build their next nest then break up). If ur part of a relationship that started with cheating by one of y’all or both, it’s gonna end the same way!!!!
They come from very toxic families. Yes it’s something you can heal from but no I would never date someone from that background. In my experience it’s never a good idea
The most overlooked red flag? Thinking it’s all about the other person.
Every relationship is a dynamic between two people. Spotting red flags in someone else is easy—but the real work is asking yourself why you’re drawn to that, how you respond to it, and what part you play in the pattern. Yeah, sure—if they’re freebasing meth in the bathroom mid-date, that’s a universal red flag. But most red flags aren’t neon. They’re subtle, and personal. And if you’re just scrolling Reddit to confirm your gut feeling, maybe stop and ask: is the flag theirs—or mine?
Anyone that tests you. I dated someone that would tell me something such as not to pick anything up for him and when I didn’t pick anything up he said that was a test and I failed. It was annoying at first but looking back that was just one hint of mind games he would end up playing.
When you mentioned you’re mentally ill and that you take medicine to help yourself stay stable and they attempt to convince you to stop taking your pills
General cruelty/pettiness towards other people. Point being, if they’re mean to everyone but you, provoked or unprovoked, they’ll be just as mean to you inevitably.
They seek pity on the first or second date. Dated a girl who broke the light mood on our first dinner out by somberly telling me her sister had cancer. Years later we met up again on dates and she did the same thing. Almost like a test to see how sympathetic you are.
This is pretty niche, but a lack of basic self-care/survival instincts. It’s a bad bet to build a life with someone who lacks either the awareness or care to do things like wear a seatbelt, brush their teeth, eat somewhat healthily, etc.
Comments
They’re never wrong. Ever.
Their everyday/living habits.
They constantly one-up your problems.
Feeling the need to always fix them or save them
Credit score! Lol!! But seriously…
They’re rude to people they don’t “need.”
Every ex was “crazy.” All of them.
Sometimes how they left their ex
No friends the same sex as them.
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How they talk about their friends/family versus how they treat them. (Saying one thing doing another )
An unclean bathroom. Trust me on this one.
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When I told her I didn’t want to continue dating her she turned up at my doorstep and refused to take no for an answer.
Rather than seeing this for what it was, (potentially psychopathic), I told myself she must be really into me.
A lack of empathy for you or anyone else
They treat kindness like a weakness
They have to die on every hill on any disagreement, regardless on if they are are actually a correct or presented with evidence. It gets labeled as cutesy stubborness.
Monitoring everything and when or if you call
If he/she treats a waiter/waitress like shit.
more than two of their ex’s died under strange circumstances
You feel exhausted after every interaction.
They always have some kind of drama, or are constantly complaining.
Inconsistent investment
Bad mouthing their ex on your first date.
Trauma dumping / opening up about certain things extremely early on – it can often look like bonding and being honest and vulnerable (which are usually green flags), but I’ve learned that people can open up about personal stuff like anxiety and ocd to use them as a weapon. First to test how much you’re willing to bend to their will early on and then to be used down the line to guilt trip, avoid accountability and control far too many things (and even you) in the relationship and make sure they’re never inconvenienced in the relationship.
That’s not to demonise mental illness at all, but it’s definitely something overlooked and can be abused very subtly.
They have a totally different personality when they drink
Gut feeling
Unhealthy habits/lifestyle
They are always leaving dates early to “check in with their parole officer”
Yelling at you
They rush commitment, but avoid emotional depth
When they easily flip their shit.
Not being able to pick up after themselves… Kinda makes you feel like a maid🙃
They seem to be the victim in all scenarios
Lying.
They call you “too sensitive” when you express hurt.
They judge people on looks only.
Their past is usually a indicator on who they truly are no matter how much people try to excuse it.
Lack of empathy, people excuse it for “he/she is just reserved with their feelings” or some bs excuse to cover up how evil they are
Well if your name is Larry David it’s that she pays for the meal
Alcohol consumption. Some people are fine with drinking 4-5 units per day, others are (for good reasons) not.
But don’t date someone knowing full well their alcohol consumption and then expect that the second you “turn serious” (kids, marriage) that they will stop.
Never works out well for anyone involved.
they believe in ‘equality’ but are passionate about hating many different groups of people
If they have kids they have no relationship with.
When they say “I don’t like you or fancy you or want to date you”. Get out.
They are in a hurry to reach relationship milestones
They playfully ignore boundaries. They are testing you to see if you have any weakness to exploit.
Not being able to let even little things go.
That will become a big thing, 100%.
Cheap men always hide their cheapness. “I forgot my wallet”
“Put it on your credit card- I’ll pay you in cash”
I was so naive.
They don’t ask questions. 🚩
Never a reciprocal “and you?” Or a “What’d you think of that?” Or anything directly curious about you.
As finances as one of the top reasons for divorce…. How they handle their money.
I’ve dated guys making half of what I do and they could afford more than the ones making double
China.
It’s a huge red flag
If your friends and loved ones don’t like them. They’re seeing something you can’t because you’re high on dopamine or something. If more than one of the people close to you don’t like them, you should listen.
Always has an excuse and deflects blame.
The number of bill collectors she had calling her at night. I knew she had to be terrible with finances and very irresponsible but the vag had me blindsided by how good it was.
Lack of routine/higiene and goals, the way they talk about their ex partners, unhealthy habits.
love bombing! it’s hard to tell sometimes if they actually like you or if its a scam!
They can’t apologise
When you decline something/doing something and they try to talk you into doing what they want. They’re not outright demanding, they’re going ‘but’ or ‘we can do this too’. They present it as a compromise. It’s not. It’s ’you need to’, it becomes ‘we are doing this’, ultimatums, and then you have no voice, no ability to say no. You don’t feel or think, you just automatically do what you’re told without question. You have no self anymore.
They put everyone else first…friends, family, co workers, themselves.
Also, they never seem to have time for what you want to do.
Saying “you are not like other girls”
Unmedicated mental illness
If they are messy. It’s ok to be messy but it’s also a lot of strain on a relationship if one is messy and the other isn’t.
It’s not super overlooked in most relationships but I definitely missed it in mine… only ever wanting to do their hobbies and when you try to do your hobbies with them they judge you like crazy or refuse to even try it. Very obvious red flag but I was extremely love blind…
She was close friends with someone she met on tinder, and decided to stay friends. He still very openly had feelings for her, and she knew and did nothing about it whilst we were dating.
Inability to simply say “I’m sorry, I was wrong” when they’ve made a mistake. Hell, we all make mistakes (that’s why pencils come with erasers, after all). But at least own your mistakes. And apologize.
When they don’t want to spend time with you, or they act like it’s a chore
Lying. Sounds simple, but i myself used to overlook this all the time till I finally learned. If they’re lying about little shit, theyre lying about a lotta shit.
They can never say sorry. Even if it’s a silly thing
They talk over you, interrupt you, and they change the subject a lot. You ask them surface level vanilla questions and they don’t answer them.
Personal hygiene.
When the baby daddy is still around and is overbearing
OK, these are all good red flags people are mentioning, but they aren’t very subtle or often overlooked.
I think one that is often missed is when someone starts making “reasonable” sounding excuses for why the relationship isn’t moving forward – work is tough, they don’t like labels, you’re rushing them too much, etc.
It’s clear you two are in different places, and the right thing to do is either give things a try your way or just break up. Playing the excuses game is just childish at best and emotionally abusive at worst. But so many people stick around to see if the person will change their mind.
Big talk! Because they don’t deliver and then say that was a miscommunication.
Lack of motivation!
Giving them the benefit of the doubt all the time.
They get jealous of your success at work
Emotional unavailability
Every woman in his stories either wants him or is a broken person
No matter what you’re talking about, they always manage to make the conversation about themselves. They never try to get to know you because it’s all about them.
If they belittle others, never apologise, are easy to anger, have a very black/white thinking, and shut down when you set boundaries
Excessive gifting
Maybe trying to order for a person at all rather than allowing for moods and curiosity to be explored. Definitely a red flag when it’s immediate. Also sort of unhealthy most of the time in the long run unless your partner’s in the bathroom or something when the order’s made.
^(I did say most of the time because some partner’s are into that)
All their previous relationships were “toxic” and it was never their fault obviously
If all their exes live in Texas. I’ll see myself out..
Their only hobby is you.
How they treat and speak about others.
Constant complaining.
(I’ve never done this but a few friends were the kind to build their next nest then break up). If ur part of a relationship that started with cheating by one of y’all or both, it’s gonna end the same way!!!!
When they almost always have something negative to say whether if said jokingly or not
They come from very toxic families. Yes it’s something you can heal from but no I would never date someone from that background. In my experience it’s never a good idea
Feeling sick from being in love. They need to be someone who brings you peace and laughter. Not a turning stomach.
The most overlooked red flag? Thinking it’s all about the other person.
Every relationship is a dynamic between two people. Spotting red flags in someone else is easy—but the real work is asking yourself why you’re drawn to that, how you respond to it, and what part you play in the pattern. Yeah, sure—if they’re freebasing meth in the bathroom mid-date, that’s a universal red flag. But most red flags aren’t neon. They’re subtle, and personal. And if you’re just scrolling Reddit to confirm your gut feeling, maybe stop and ask: is the flag theirs—or mine?
Feeling the need to criticize you or belittle you when you bring up something that they did that hurt your feelings.
Anyone that tests you. I dated someone that would tell me something such as not to pick anything up for him and when I didn’t pick anything up he said that was a test and I failed. It was annoying at first but looking back that was just one hint of mind games he would end up playing.
When you mentioned you’re mentally ill and that you take medicine to help yourself stay stable and they attempt to convince you to stop taking your pills
General cruelty/pettiness towards other people. Point being, if they’re mean to everyone but you, provoked or unprovoked, they’ll be just as mean to you inevitably.
Love bombing. Be careful of the “perfect” romantic ones that go fast. That’s probably a narcissist trying to trap you before you find out.
You feel anxious more than you feel at peace.
They seek pity on the first or second date. Dated a girl who broke the light mood on our first dinner out by somberly telling me her sister had cancer. Years later we met up again on dates and she did the same thing. Almost like a test to see how sympathetic you are.
This is pretty niche, but a lack of basic self-care/survival instincts. It’s a bad bet to build a life with someone who lacks either the awareness or care to do things like wear a seatbelt, brush their teeth, eat somewhat healthily, etc.