To you, what are the most important factors to consider prior to making a decision like this? At what point is the decision made, and how do you go forward with it?
What’s your deliberation process like when you consider breaking up with someone ?
r/AskWomen
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I broke up with someone 2 months ago and it was a lot of internal questions as I don’t like to end anything abruptly. The biggest factor for myself is my happiness. If I’m going to be happier alone, that’s a red flag for the relationship.
I exhaust every possibility of telling them what my needs are and trying to get them met, typically for months and years. I always let relationships go on until I absolutely cannot stand it for one more minute. Then when I dump him, he’s always totally blindsided, as though I hadn’t been miserable for a long time.
I’m not saying this is a good strategy. It’s not.
•Do they treat me with respect and kindness
•Do they respect my boundaries
•Do we have similar fundamental values
•Do I feel safe with them
•Do we have fun
•Do they fill my cup or drain my cup?
Basically, if I’m seeing someone and any of those are a ‘no’, then I end it. It’s a little more complicated, but that’s the basic jist. Obviously, my feelings towards the person and many other things come into play, but those are the major factors. There isn’t really much of a ‘deliberation process’… once I’ve started thinking about breaking up with someone, I do it. If something happens to make my head and heart think in that direction, there is no going back.
Life’s too short. Communicate and Grow or Grow apart and Leave. That’s the two options here.
If you’re talking about what factors in a sense like are your “deal breakers” valid enough to end a relationship then that’s up to you and them.
If you’re asking how to end it. Hard Honesty with compassion followed with immediate distance is the best policy in my opinion.
Things that can make it messy for sure to consider are if you live together, own things together or have children obviously. But it didn’t sound like it.
Would I be happy if people thought I was exactly like him? Or, would I want my son to be like him? Would I want my daughter to marry him?
If I feel like it.
I’ll express my needs and emotions, and if they continue to go unmet or unheard I shut down, detach and eventually leave. I forgive till I have no patience left, till I have no part of myself to give anymore. When I’ve run out, that’s when I know I need to leave
There’s good in a book called Too Good to Leave – To Bad to Stay by Miriam Kirschbaum
It was my first breakup. I started questioning the relationship 5 months and if I should breakup with him before the actual breakup happened. I mostly stayed due to the sunk cost fallacy. Overtime, the feelings just depleted, and we argued more. My brain was in denial and trying so hard to justify things. Until it couldn’t anymore.
He had issues with me wanting to improve my social anxiety, then accused me of wanting to improve it so I could leave him. I ended up breaking up due to that needle in the haystack. When he accused me of wanting to cheat, I lost all the remaining feelings for him (which wasn’t very much by then.)
Because of that, I didn’t really have a breakup phase. I was breaking up internally over time.
So my advice to people is : the moment you start to question it, just end it. It’s a sinking ship from then lol
The fact that I’m thinking about breaking up with them is all I need.
This might be an unpopular opinion but I leave them when I start to hate them. After countless attempts of trying to communicate my needs and to be only met with neglect or gaslighting, is heartbreaking until I start to see it as ridiculously disrespectful.
If I leave before I hate them, I will likely want them back in my life, so I need to make sure I reach that point before I leave them
It really depends on the situation, but kinda I guess for me, communication and compatibility are key factors when deciding to end things…
Kind of embarrassing but recently I told chatgpt everything and it said I should end it so I did 😭