I’m someone who highly values their personal space and I would like to know if this is a realistic standard to have when in a relationship that will eventually lead to living together.
I just think it’s better to have separate bedrooms and do sleepovers instead of having one partner sleep on the couch whenever the relationship is going through something.
(From a financial aspect I get it so ignore that aspect)
What’s your thoughts of living together with your partner but having separated bedrooms?
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I’d find that weird. I mean, you can have a room that’s for your hobbies and whatnot, but a separate bedroom? Pretty weird.
I do understand the idea, but most importantly is what you and your partner think of it. Mine is 100% against it, so we sleep together.
It works and can actually save/improve a relationship. Plus own space. If partners wanna spend time together they can have sleepovers 😀
But yeah im for it if it works in the relationship
I know a couple who do this and it works well for them. They are both avoidant.
This would never work for me. I actually did it once when I was in a relationship with an avoidant, and from that experience learned it’s not for me.
Whatever works for your relationship is all that matters. That being said, most people enjoy co-sleeping in a relationship and would not prefer to sleep apart, so it’s something that should be discussed and communicated, especially if it’s a dealbreaker for you.
Also, the trope of someone having to sleep on the couch when the relationship is “going through something” is stupid. I would never allow a partner to tell me to sleep on the couch, nor would I ever want to sleep on a less comfortable surface because I was angry at my partner. I think anyone that actually sleeps on the couch due to arguments is probably not in a very good relationship.
That seems weird. The point of living together with a partner is to live TOGETHER. You can live together in a 1bed while still having personal space.
It’s juvenile and weird. Sometimes one of us fall asleep on the couch watching TV, which is different, and sometimes I sleep on the couch if my back is acting up, but having separate bedrooms is really weird…you aren’t roommates.
I struggle to sleep, so I am very much in favour (she is not on board though, but we have a spare bedroom for special occasions)!
I snore and my wife can’t sleep when I do. We sleep separately most of the time and have been happily married for 21 years.
I know a few middle aged people (50+) who do this. Snoring seems to be the main reason. I wouldn’t want to. Not yet (65). My wife might get two single duvets as ours always seems to end up on my side of the bed.
That wouldn’t work for me.
Wow. To each their own I guess. Problem will be finding a partner that is okay with that. It’s weird sounding for sure.
If you are actually sleeping on a couch because of “going through something” you need to work on your relationship I think.
My grandparents were pretty successfully married and were in separate rooms for more than 50 years. It’s not about distance, it’s about comfort
As someone who is a very light sleeper and doesn’t get much sleep. It works for me and my gf. We have different sleeping schedules. So it works for us. Growing up, I didn’t share a room much. So i was used to having my own room and space. I sleep way better because of it. You just have to remember to make time for your significant other. What i do love about it. We do not have unnecessary fights that involve sleeping arrangements or waking one another up with snoring, etc. We are big on sleep. So it works for us. We cuddle when we watch tv. That’s enough for us.
I snore. We have young children. The wife cosleeps with the baby, or works weird fucking hours for a highly critical job in medical.
I sleep in my office bedroom most nights.
Your relationship is your relationship.
I saw another post asking how many times it’s ok for your partner to hit the “snooze” button on their alarm. It didn’t occur to me that if you do not work the same schedule as them, that you’ll have to figure something out with the alarm clocks, especially if you have an inconsiderate partner.
Thus, separate bedrooms seems like a good idea. I would insist on having the larger bedroom, but I would let her have the main bathroom as she’d have more things to keep, and her making a late night naked journey to the bathroom via my bedroom would be welcome….
Interesting topic. Obviously quite triggering for a few smooth brains here in this thread.
Data is clear – whilst we THINK we sleep better with our partner, the objective truth is we don’t.
From a health pov, it’s actually much better to have your own sleeping space. I love the idea and would do this in a heartbeat. Even 1-2 nights a week in your own space could really help sleep quality.
I joke about this to my husband, half serious! Sometimes our sleep isn’t on sync. I think there’s more disruption when one of us can’t fall asleep. He’s the opposite though, he thinks he sleeps better together and the idea to him is weird.
I think with the amount of stuff people own these days, it would be better to have separate rooms and have sleepovers instead. You can have your own personal space, etc. No restrictions and all that. There is a different kind of peace in that. Also, you can decorate the rest of your house together. But, having separate rooms is reasonable enough.
Sleeping separately is a different matter though.
Absolutely not.
I know a middle aged couple that do the separate bedroom thing and they’ve been married over 20 years and claim it works for them, although they did not start out with separate rooms. From someone who has observed their relationship at a pretty close range over the last few years I would confidently say they are heading towards either divorcing or spending the rest of their lives semi miserable feeling stuck with each other. They are both extremely avoidant and short fused with each other, even in front of company.
It would never work for me and my relationship but that doesn’t mean it can’t work for others. I just think there’s a difference between wanting a space of your own and having a space to avoid your partner when things get rocky.
Why?
If you both agree, it can work.
Would not work for me. I need to be in the bed w/ my wife. The few times she kicked me out of the bed during an argument I basically didn’t sleep the whole night.
If I was faced with an expensive divorce and potentially paying lawyers and the state a bunch of money or having to be room-mates with my asset bound partner, I would rather be roommates. We can work out the formalities as we go.
If the relationship is healthy, but one person just snores like a Harley Davidson rally and the other is a light sleeper, I think its reasonable. For the most part, I would rather share a couch than be separate in the same space.
Me and my boyfriend have separate bedrooms. He has insomnia and is up multiple times in the night, he has a hard time falling asleep. He needs total silence.
I happen to snore a bit. He comes to bed with me at the same time we cuddle. He will cuddle me until I fall asleep and then he sneaks off into the spare bedroom to sleep.
It works well for us! In an ideal world we could sleep together the whole night but his comfort is important to me and I actually don’t mind sleeping alone
You’ll sleep better, quality time is more intentional, with yourself ánd your partner. It’s only wins to me.
Depends on the couple, can be essential to maintain the relationship especially if you’re on different sleep schedules or someone snores heavily. Sleep is very important.
I pitched this to my now wife when we were barely just dating and now it’s an ongoing joke.
We’ve slept separately, mostly since the baby was born. We would shift so someone was always awake with him and it was easier to sleep on your turn if he wasn’t around.
I can sleep anywhere at any time so it doesn’t bother me much but she has gotten so used to the comfort of me that if I’m not home/she’s in the bedroom alone she doesn’t sleep well.
I know a few older couples that sleep separately, my grandparents included, one of them would often sleep in the recliner in the living room. I don’t know anyone under 50 that does this that I’m aware of.
I don’t personally find it weird, just uncommon. My wife and I sleep in a king bed and usually right at the respective edges of each side so unless I intentionally scoot to the middle and reach out for her, it’s not like she’s close enough to even touch. But just being in the same room is a comfort for her.
My wife and I do this and it works fine. We started doing it when she was pregnant with our second kid so she could get as much uninterrupted sleep as possible and we just kept it going afterward.
We’ve done it for the past 15 years
Im a restless sleeper who snores. She sleeps in the middle, kicks, and steals covers
Best thing we ever did was to get separate rooms
I don’t think it would be my ideal, but it wouldn’t be a deal breaker either.
Snuggling with my wife as we pass out is one of my favorite times of day. So that would be a bit sad.
She also prefers to fall asleep knowing I’m right there, makes her feel safer. Genuinely think sleeping alone in a separate room would leave her too frightened to sleep well on her own.
I’m a cuddler so it’s gonna be a hard sell.
It’s saved our relationship.
I snore, and I like to fall asleep with the tv on.
She’s a light sleeper, and we have opposite schedules.
If it weren’t for us having our own sleeping quarters, we probably wouldn’t have lasted this long (going on 7 years)
Time apart is just as important as time together.
Wife and I did this starting 5 years ago. She’s a heavy sleeper who snores and tosses and turns. Im light sleeper. She even did a sleep study done and the doctors said she was 100% healthy…over the years I was getting less and less sleep….like 3-5 hours a night. I tried ear plugs and that still didn’t work. On a whim we tried sleeping in separate rooms. And for the first time in years I slept all thru the night. And for the first time in years I felt rested the next day. She was more excited about it than I was honestly.
Would not be interested. Have your own office or workspace for sure. Plus, kicking your spouse out of the bedroom because you’re mad is so fucking dramatic. It’s weird that you’re already planning for that. Aim higher.
I wish! It would be great to have separate bedrooms, a bit of personal space. The only thing is sometimes in the middle of the night she or I will get the urge to if you are in the same bed its just easier.
I would absolutely want a separate bed or at the very least a King mattress and two comforters.
I don’t need separate bedrooms but would prefer separate beds at times. That would cause more relationship problems than it’s worth though, so I just sleep with my wife every night.
My wife and I have been together for almost 30 years. I’m a night-owl, she’s a morning person. We’ve found each having our own bedroom makes life much more enjoyable for both of us.
We go to bed together every night. 10 minutes later she’s asleep. I’ll lie in bed and watch TV for 15 minutes or so after she rolls away, then I get up and go downstairs for another hour or 2. When I go back to bed, I go in to my room. This way I don’t disturb her slumber, and she doesn’t wake me up when she gets out of bed in the morning.
Depending of the century you are living in.
My opinion in general is that its fine if it works for the couple
>instead of having one partner sleep on the couch whenever the relationship is going through something.
Thats the crazy part. Ive been with my partner for 14 years, that has happened like 5 times, definitely not worth investing an entire extra bedroom for lol.
And if its happening so often that it makes sense to have separate bedrooms ….. Id run from that relationship
bedroom divorce.
I snore / she wants to fall asleep to the TV. so, sep beds.
I sleep in the guest room. It’s not my bedroom per se, just where I sleep.
I’ve seen a lot of men familiar with how poor most relationships go in the modern age advocate never moving in with a partner at all. Given that roughly 75% of relationships are ended by women, it being 90% if they have a college degree, and more women now have college degrees than men. Given that living with someone is often giving up half of your belongings or wealth in such circumstances even outside of family court and children it’s usually a pretty poor deal for most men to cohabitate with a partner, from a completely logical basis.
Your idea seems even worse than that as you are actively preparing for a bad relationship to end or involve the punishment of social isolation. If this is how you want to live I do not think you are remotely even prepared for a healthy relationship or cohabitating with another human being. You should entirely keep separate domiciles to avoid the emotional cold war you plan on waging with another human being before even starting the relationship.
Not me, but my grandparents spent their entire married life in separate bedrooms. And were very happily married for over 60 years. From what I understand, my grandfather snored terribly. so you do what works for you and your partner and don’t worry about what other people think about any of it. It’s not their business.
That’s called room mates. It’s not a relationship
Ideal, though I prefer separate residence.
If I had to live with a partner than I would want separate bedrooms.
Ideally we would maintain separate residences (LAT relationship – Living Apart Together) even if that’s just separate suites.
Seems strange and I wouldn’t like it. The physical contact is important to me
Not a bad idea at all if you can afford it. A lot of people where I live can’t, so it’s usually the bedroom and the couch (not meaning “he’s sleeping on the couch” but more like, if you want some space you take the couch).
My dad sleeps on the couch a lot in their house because he snores and it drives my mom insane some nights. They can still sleep together most of the time, but they’ve been happily married for like 40+ years at this point and they swear by it.
Ultimately it’ll only matter if you think it matters. If your partner swears that you need to share one bed, then having separate beds is going to be a problem. If your partner doesn’t care then it won’t be a big deal.
Just prioritize it when you’re considering compatibility.
My wife and I had separate bedrooms because of my work schedule which included a lot of overnight shifts.
Your situation is weird especially in anticipating problems that may arise.
we both snore, and have different sleep needs as well in terms of noise, light levels, and window being open or closed. so we each have our own rooms, and it works very well for us, thirteen years married and counting.
I think in a perfect world it’s the ideal setup
Sleep is paramount to happiness in life
I need it to be super cold…the women I have dated tend to want it warmer
In a perfect kind of setup, the master bedroom would be her domain, and I would take the guest bedroom…which would have a window AC unit.
At night, we’d cuddle, watch TV, wait to get sleepy…and then I’d go to my frozen Ice Planet of Hoth while she stayed in her warm terrarium…like a lizard under a heat lamp
I do not think sleeping in the same room is good for most couples…because I don’t think most couples are compatible sleepers. So one ends up sacrificing for the other, leading to resentment and sleepless nights
To me, the kind of people who think co sleeping is necessary…are people who aren’t secure in the relationship to begin with. They fear this small bit of distance
Because if you are compatible and happy, where you sleep should not matter at all…just as long as you sleep and so does your partner
Just find somebody who feels the same way, and who cares what reddit thinks.
No snoring to deal with, sounds good to me. It works for a lot of people
My folks always have. Father snores and is a night owl, mother is a light sleeper and goes to bed at a more normal hour. They’ll watch TV in her room (or other activities, presumably) until she goes to bed and then he’ll go off and do his own thing for another hour or two.
Before they retired they were both on-call as well, and no reason to disrupt 2 people’s sleep every time one got called.
Seems to be working, they’ve been married 35 years and are some of the happiest and healthiest older people I know, and clearly still in love.
With that said:
> instead of having one partner sleep on the couch whenever the relationship is going through something.
I don’t think that’s a good reason for it. Wanting your own space is fine, but if you’re having relationship problems with enough frequency that you’re considering it for specifically that reason….I think you have problems.
Anyway, I personally am a human inferno and unless it is completely freezing in the room it’s unlikely anyone is getting sleep while in physical contact with me. So the actual sleeping with the other person is already out of the question.
I mean if you have the space sure. But also if you’re throwing your partner out or getting thrown out often enough this is a problem, don’t move in together. For the record in 6 years with my wife this has never happened, we just roll over and fall asleep facing our respective walls.
We do it, it rocks.
I would hate to not sleep in the same bed as my wife. The day we have separate bedrooms the marriage is over.
We both sleep much better
Every relationship is unique and reflective of the people within it. As long as you maintain honest and open communication about your wants and needs to help you stay happy and healthy, that’s all that matters.
If it works for you, then you do you.
For me, I wouldn’t like it. Living together but separately just seems like we are roommates who have sex. I want to co-sleep, even if we don’t cuddle while we sleep. That’s what a king size bed is for.
Also, my wife and I sleep in the same bed regardless of what we are going through. It seems super weird to me that someone can’t sleep next to their partner just because they are having an argument/disagreement.
I heard good things about people who did it. I think a room with two single beds and another one with a double bed would be the sweet spot of having enough personal space, without forgetting that you are still a couple.
If I ever end up living with someone I would have to have my own room.
I’ve never shared a bed with a woman and had a good nights sleep, I couldn’t do it 24/7. Most women are too cold and want to cuddle. I’m too warm and hate being touched for more than 5 mins.
I like my own time to just relax, when I’m with someone I feel like I have to constantly fill the void with talking, silence makes me feel extremely uncomfortable.
Separate bedrooms? I require separate houses.
I’m coming at this from more of a sleep quality perspective so it might not suit your case personally, but:
We ended up trying out different rooms because there was a snoring/light sleeper issue we had been troubleshooting for a few years – aaaand both of us benefitted massively, we slept better, we had more energy during the day, etc. Over time we ended up each buying mattresses and blanket situations that suited us, and I honestly and truthfully think we’re both healthier for it.. (in our case). I haven’t mentioned it to many people, it’s a not a secret, but I am aware there’s a bit of a stigma lol. I’ve shared a bed with another person pretty consistently since I was 19 or so and this is the best I’ve slept since I was a teenager. We have plenty of “sleepovers” and usually end up sharing a bed a few times a week, but honestly being able to crash in a bed that’s optimized for my sleep even 60% of the time has really improved my quality of life, and my partner agrees.
I think this is actually more common than you’d think
I wouldn’t want it because I’m super cuddly and clingy, luckily found someone who is if anything more cuddly and clingy than me. My grandparents still sleep side by side even though my grandfather needs 24 hour care and they technically have separate beds but pushed together. They’ve been married 70 years. But I think people have to do what’s right for them and I’d never judge someone for that. I have a friend who has been with his partner nearly 20 years and they don’t live together. I wouldn’t want it but that’s why I’m not in a relationship with either of them! We should be allowed to meet the needs of our relationships without people who aren’t involved passing judgement.
We can do man cave and/or she shed or something but if we’re not sleeping together, may as well not live together.
I think it’s no one else’s business but between you two.
Lots of couples end up on the couch if someone snores, they can’t sleep, or they have nightshift etc so nothing wrong with making an actual comfortable solution
I’m ok both ways. Sleeping together and touching each other the whole night is very comforting and intimate. Sleeping separately gives you a freedom of sleep schedule, freedom of movements, freedom to choose room lighting, noise level, temperature.
My friends who did shift work at the power plants often had a second bedroom for when they worked nights or outages. It made sense, but when they were on normal shifts, days, they shared a bed again.
But hey, if everyone is happy, you do you.
Never yuck someone else’s yum
Not a fan unless one of us sleeps very differently from the other (snores, cant stand me moving, differences on white noise). To each their own.
It depends, do they still leave their dirty dishes in the sink because they know I’ll put it away for them? Like everything in like I’m sure there are pros and cons. Although I can’t think what the cons would be.
Hell, sometimes my Chihuahua tries to snuggle in bed with me, but if I’m not in bed first then that little jerk will sit right in the very center of the bed and on top of the blanket so that it’s impossible for me to sleep comfortably. How does such a small dog take up so much room???? On the other hand my cat is the best snuggler ever. When he’s not screaming to be let out at night to hunt, he’s basically equivalent to sleeping meds.
I think separate bedrooms used to be pretty common, at least among more wealthy families that could afford the extra room.
Are we even really together if we sleep separately? It feels more like a room-mate situation than a marriage.
I’d conclude that my partner didn’t like me much, if she asked for a separate bedroom.
It’s not my ideal, but I’ve done it before and it was fine. If I could choose, I’d prefer my partner to sleep in the same bed as me. But it’s not a dealbreaker, and the relationship I had with separate bedrooms was still a good one while it lasted. When it ended, it was over something unrelated. I’d do it again for the right person.
With my wife we even each have our own apartment so really you do whatever you want as long as everybody is happy
I enjoy sleeping next to my partner. If she wanted separate bedrooms, I would end the relationship.
You might as well be friends with benefits or roommates in my view.
However, two people have to do what works for them. I just cannot fathom it.
Depends on the circumstances.
Most of the time it’s just because one person snores or tosses and turns a lot in which case it’s nbd.
“Having kne partner sleeping on the couch whenever the relationship is going through something” ….
I can get the personal space reasons or if you were a light sleeper etc (still not something I’d entirely roll with) but needing a spare room for rows ? Thats insane.
Absolutely the best.
I think that would be fine as long as she is not opposed to sharing a bed from time to time.
Far too separate for me. Might as well be roommates. 🤷🏼♀️ We’re both cuddle bugs though
It’s fine, you can do what you want, you’re an adult displaying reasonable logic. Go for it 👍🏻
I understand the idea and why people do it. It would absolutely not work with me tho. I’m too much of a cuddle bug. Not being able to sleep next to someone I like who’s gorgeous, soft, smells good, feels good, touching her brings me peace. And she decides to sleep in another room would eat at me. Couldn’t do it. At least let’s fall asleep together and once I’m asleep and you can’t then yea I wouldn’t mind if you went to the other room if I was keeping you up
My past, and presumably my future, partner won’t sleep in a hammock. Inversely I can’t sleep in a bed, not to a degree that is healthy for my insomnia or back pain, or maybe wallet(I haven’t tried a medical bed in a while, but can’t afford to get one), at least not without being so physically exhausted that I’d be able to pass out on the floor.
Sidenote, I’ve only ever met one person who slept in a hammock as her main bed, and I was the one who convinced her to do so as she also had back pain and insomnia. But she had a BF and was way outta my league. Also we were TOO similar, she was queer and crazy and had all the same traumas and red flags I had, so I don’t think it ever would’ve worked.
So room mates who fuck?
It’s the only way I’d agree to live with someone again, honestly.
I value my personal space and sleep much better alone so I’m all for it. I don’t get why people want to sleep in the same bed when they have the option not to.
Ngl, my dream would be to have both sides of a semi detached house. His and hers.
Non-starter for me and my wife is the same. Seems like it works for others but that doesn’t sound appealing at all to me.
As for your concern about one party sleeping on the sofa when things aren’t going well, in the nine years (nearly seven married) I’ve been with my wife, we’ve never slept apart due to conflict. That’s simply not a consideration from my perspective.
If my partner needed the space, then they needed the space. It’s fine with me, and the space can be beneficial.
I don’t think I would want to live without the incidental conversations as we fall asleep or waking up randomly and having that comforting presence there. I would hate having to plan out sleepovers. If snoring became an issue, I’d get a CPAP. Sleeping in a warmer bedroom sucks, but I didn’t have AC growing up in Eastern Oklahoma, so it’s something I know I could get used to.
It’s the small together moments that I couldn’t stand to miss. After being apart all day at work, doing chores in the evening, I wouldn’t give up that time before sleep when it’s just us, knowing that even if we are asleep, we are still together.
If it was just so someone doesn’t have to sleep on the couch when things get rough then it is probably super dumb imo. If it’s because you want to sleep separately because you get better sleep quality then I think it’s a totally valid. Obviously it would have to be agreed on by your partner but I probably would be fine with it. I can’t imagine sleeping with someone who hates white noise when I need white noise to sleep.
Honestly it’s more of a question for your partner. Yeah it can work but if your partner is someone who wants to be intimate then they might be less keen. It’s something you guys should talk about and compromise on
My husband and I have only ever frothing separate beds while at the same house when one of us is ill and we’re either isolating or hiding from congestion snoring/constant coughing.
But it’s still a bed in the guest room and not the couch.
But if snoring or other disruption is a regular feature there’s nothing wrong with having separate rooms if it works best for the couple.
I’d be fine with it 👍I’m also epileptic so it’s absolutely crucial for me to get my 7-8 hours of rest & ON TIME.
Unfortunately anytime I share a bed with someone new, such as a one night stand or a new girlfriend, I don’t sleep very well 😵💫at least not at first.
Parents have had separate bedrooms for 30+ years. They seem ok?
I personally would not like this. My wife (going through divorce currently) and I used separate blankets in bed to avoid one of us pulling it off the other. But I absolutely loved having my partner right next to me all night. Having someone rub/scratch my back or head as I fall asleep, midnight snuggles/sex, morning snuggles/sex. All that is missing by sleeping in separate rooms. To each their own, but it would make me feel less happy with my relationship if we slept separately when together was an option
Stupid
While it Can work, cuddling is very good for bonding. If you need so much personal space you need your own room to sleep in, well, you may have a somewhat difficult time finding a partner who’s cool with that.
But you like what you like, it’s your call.
Lol my partner of 5 years and I have separate HOUSES and spend 3-4 nights a week together. No kids, no real reason other than space and, well, we had our own houses and haven’t combined yet. So yah, people are out there Especially as you get older.