My partner (25/F) and I (25/M) have been together for 3 years, but for a few months now, I’ve been gradually feeling less and less confident that my partner is a good fit for me and my long term goals.
My partner is very dependent on me and I have sacrificed a lot of my time, money and energy for her to support her needs and goals. In turn, that has put my own goals and aspirations on hold, and I’m not going to be 25 forever
I have tried time and time again over the last couple of years to push her to become more independent to free up some of my own time and energy. There’s been near 0 effort to actually make meaningful change. Sometimes she gets defensive about it, claiming that partners are supposed to support each other. And thinking back to our early stages of dating, she spoke a lot about how she enjoyed being independent. I feel like I’ve been lied to.
I want to know if anyone else has had similar thoughts and experiences.
TL;DR: How do I know if and when it’s time I should let go?
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I was with somebody for 5 years, I loved him so much. 2 years into this relationship I was already starting to feel a discomfort, things weren’t right, but we would talk about it it would be okay for a while, or I would try to reframe things so they were acceptable to me, but I kept on feeling this discomfort.
Year 3 – I knew this was not the relationship for me, but I loved him so much and couldn’t bear the thought of being without him. The discomfort I was feeling grew louder. We were arguing more, we wanted different things out of life, he didn’t understand why I wanted to go to school and have a career, he wasn’t supportive, didn’t understand why I had to stay home and study, and there were other things, but I stayed.
Year 4 – the discomfort was so loud in my head but I pushed through and stayed because I loved him. Lots of arguments about the same things over and over again.
End of year 4 – almost 5 years – I just couldn’t sweep it under the rug anymore. I knew that I wanted out. I broke up with him, and I went through every single emotion you can imagine. I was crushed, sad, angry, I missed him so much, I wanted to pick up the phone every single day and call him. I finally did after 3 months without him and asked him if we could talk and get back together. He already had a girlfriend. Again crushing but absolutely the best thing that could have happened. I would have just gotten back together with him and broken up with him a few months later because I was back in the same cycle.
I’m older than you and I can tell you with a certainty that at your core that discomfort that you feel within your relationship is your instinct telling you something. I’ve had other relationships since then, in every single one of those relationships, I knew that it was over for months at a time, before I called it quits. I’ve talked to many friends about this, and it seems to be a common experience. Many people know it’s over way before they take action.
When I stopped nagging him because I no longer cared
>Sometimes she gets defensive about it, claiming that partners are supposed to support each other.
When there is a fundamental disagreement like this, the ultimate solution is often for your gf to find somebody who agrees with her and wants more support, and for you to find somebody who agrees with you and wants more independence. Of course, it is not easy to walk away from a 3-year relationship, but it seems like there have been several talks about this and attempts to compromise. At some point you are just not living the life you want to live, and you have to walk away.