When did you realize that you deserved more in a relationship, and what changed after that?
When did you realize that you deserved more in a relationship, and what changed after that?
r/AskWomen
When did you realize that you deserved more in a relationship, and what changed after that?
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When it dawned on me that I was so much happier when he was out of town for work. I stashed money to get away and I ended up leaving and filing for divorce. Life is a lot more positive and free now.
He would refuse to acknowledge me in front of our mutual friends and I’d beg him to spend time with me until one day I asked myself what unhealed part of me was attracted to this behaviour of his
I’m out of it now thank god
I think when you try to have conversations and it always end up as fights or they try to not understand your feelings
When I found myself feeling frustrated all the time. So I had a conversation with him. He understood exactly what I was talking about and has made a really strong effort to improve. It’s not perfect, but he deserves time to try and do better. We’ve been together 17 years, and change takes time. I just have to speak up instead of bottling my frustration, but he is 100% worth the effort to talk about things and work on them together.
Ive been shifting my mindset about my body and during a meditation realized I wanted my husband’s mindset on my body do evolve too.
I stared in the mirror and said “your body is not what makes you sexy, desirable, or attractive.”
I ended up having a huge talk with my husband and he’s gotten a LOT better about the things he says and does to help with my body image
Once all the kids were in school, I realized I wanted to start going to college and get a part time job and asked for him to take on a more active parenting role (he didn’t even know the names of the kids teachers or where they went to the doctor).
He said he would be happy to, went away for work and divorced me via text message
When my coworker squeezed my hand to comfort me as i was stressed. I realized i hadnt had any physical touch even though i was engaged. I got the courage to ask him why he has so mean to me after and he said someone had to since everyone loved me and he didnt want me to “get an ego” so he had to insult me.
Once I started counseling and she kept pointing out nothing was wrong with me and that I only wanted the normal expected things in my relationship.
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Reading Angela Davis did it for me
Several incidents led to this moment. But I think I gave up when I realized I can’t rely on my ex when life gets hard. He kept saying I have “anxious attachement” and I’m looking for “an emotional anchor”. I’m a functional adult who moved abroad alone. Adults dating should be able to rely on each other. Also he didn’t like to celebrate shit. And realized if I’m relying on my friends for support and to celebrate my birthday. I might as well be alone.
when a psychologist, I had a visit with to discuss my wish for a divorce, told me that I must teach my husband to be a good husband and father, that I must prepare some family rituals and activities to make him to be involved in my and our child’s lives. He kind of gave me some instruction even on how to organize some of these so my husband could get an opportunity to be taught. So I got all the recommendations and thought „what the actual f*ck, I deserve a man who enjoys being with me, not a man who must be taught to tolerate our time together”. It took me several years to figure out the rest and to extract myself out of these toxic relationships. And I’m really thankful to that psychologist as his stupid sh*t really opened my eyes and helped me to see what I was actually doing with my life.
When I realized I was not a priority to him.
When a guy says he doesn’t have time, look at how they are spending their time and who they are spending their time with. If they say that they don’t have money, look at the things they are spending their money on. If they say they love you, look at how they treat the things/people they really love.
I realized my ex had time, he was choosing to not make time for me. He chose to spend money on things he didn’t need, instead of buying me small things that he knew I really wanted. He would bend over backwards for certain people to “like” him, but made less effort since he knew I loved him.
I am a realist. I know that I am not entitled to anyone’s time, money, or love. I don’t expect to be anyone’s top priority always. However, there were too many times that I expected him to choose me to be the priority and he did not.
What changed? I left.
I finally made a friend and realized he treated me AS A FRIEND the way I wish my fiancé would. What changed after that is that we started fighting a lot more because I started to raise my standards but he has been trying harder. Hopefully about to start couples counseling as well.
I realized I was more anxious in my own home (bc she was there) than I was at work. and god did I hate that job.
When my boundaries were being crossed.
When they chose to be unfaithful and would have kept it secret forever, knowing how much I value honesty. I had to learn to stop forgiving someone who would continue to hurt me and refused to grow alongside me. Only after I left did I realize how each moment of forgiveness slowly chipped away at my own values and expectations.
When he was three hours late to something I was so desperate for him to be on time for. An event I told him over and over he needed to be on time for because it was super important to me.
I broke off the engagement and now have had a happy, prosperous life with my current fiancé!!
I came home after working all day. My ex rarely worked. I came home and right away started making a meal that took 1.5 hours to prep and make.
After we sat down to eat, my ex took one bite and didn’t like it. I was frequently given critiques on my cooking, and I’d listen and apply everything for next time. I did everything as best I could with what was available to me and used previous feedback. He put the bowls in the fridge and made a .25 packet of ramen.
He was mad at me for showing emotion (frustration/sadness/exhaustion) and left. I was sitting there, eating my meal alone while crying…
That exact moment broke me. I “checked out.” I didn’t give AF if he ate, what he ate, or if he liked it. I stopped caring at all, and it was the start of our eventually mutual decision to end it. It wasn’t the only thing, just the last straw.
When my now SO gave me all the things I was begging my ex for…. love, someone to talk to (him), time with him…
Lesson here:
If you have to beg your SO to give you the time of day, you need to leave.
Everybody deserves more nowdays….tobad they forgott to make thouse buttlers 20-30 years ago… where are you going to find
I left my ex husband nearly three years ago after horrible abuse. I’ve dated off and on the past two years and nothing has stuck because my standards are much higher. I just think to myself, would I want my child’s partner to treat them this way? If the answer is no, I end the relationship. Life is too short to be treated like you are less than.
I know almost immediately when i deserve better, but i tend to come up with excuses for the other person. Eventually the repetitive behavior becomes obnoxious and i snap out of it, and either address it with them or just end things if i exhausted all other options
Logic. In my opinion you miss the things/people you value when you are away from them. After not seeing each other for a few weeks I’d say “I miss you” and be left hanging. The 3rd time I was given a response about life being hectic, work stuff ect. 😑 so I broke up with them.
My first wake up call was when I bought my car. I’d only had hand me downs prior to it, and my credit/income wasn’t good enough to qualify on my own, so my husband (now ex) had to be the main signer. He treated both me and the people at the car dealership so poorly that they asked me if I was okay and if I needed help. All because he had to take a few hours away from his “me time” after work one day. That started a realization spiral that finally led me to pulling the plug a couple of years later. Although, initially, it was me thinking that if all relationships were like that, then I didn’t want one. I didn’t start dating until several years later, met some men that made me feel the same way, and finally listened to my therapist when she told me to make a list of non negotiables and stick to it. Being super picky led me to my current relationship, which has made me even pickier. He’s raised my bar so high that I’m not sure any man after him could surpass it, so here’s hoping we work out like I think we will, lol!
When I was in a relationship with someone who would shut me out for days after a fight. I knew I deserved better, but I held on hoping it would change. He actually was the one to end the relationship, but it was a blessing in disguise. I’m now happily engaged to someone who knows how to communicate and can resolve arguments in a healthy way.
Work in progress.
After previous marriage ended, I went to single therapy and was told to read a book about verbal abusers. Just as marriage counseling at that time, single therapy didn’t work out, but the book opened my eyes. I became combative/aggressive/stubborn in how I dealt with men who might be verbally abusing me.
In a different marriage, and in therapy for a different reason [lot of stress due to caring for 3 adults]. Turns out there are better ways of dealing with verbal abuse [a side issue to the caregiver stress]. I’m learning them and in less than 2 months it’s already made positive results in communication.
I’m not angry 24/7. I still get angry, but it doesn’t seem to last forever anymore.
It dawned on me when my ex was about to go home after the weekend (he lived a couple of hours away) and he started pleasuring himself in front of me, but instead of getting turned on, I was disgusted. At that point, any affection I felt for him turned into contempt. I had already been doubting the future of our relationship when he refused to seek help for his depression and wouldn’t let me help him figure out his insurance stuff to schedule an appointment. I went on a trip with friends to Disneyland, and I was actually relieved he wasn’t there. I convinced him that splitting up was for the best because of other reasons too. I was so freakin happy when it was over. I realized that I put up with way too many red flags and bad behaviors in past relationships because I was convinced that it wasn’t that bad or that he’d grow out of it. Nope, I was done. I realized I loved myself too much to tolerate that bs anymore and I actually believed it!
When I realized that my kids and I walked on egg shells when he was home. Why were we doing that? Oh, and the nth time I walked in the door after working all day (he was “retired”) and he asked what was for dinner.
I didn’t realize I had lost my “spark” and was kind of living in a subdued haze all the time. His time management was terrible so I spent most of our time together waiting for him to get ready. I had no energy. After the breakup I picked up so many new hobbies and reinforced my relationships with my friends. I also both sleep more and do more.
When I realized after a long & hectic work week that seeing him that Friday evening wouldn’t bring me calm, peace, & relaxation it would add to my exasperated mental state. When he refused to live somewhere that was up to my standards but tried to make me feel like my standards were too high, when he put his hands on me for the last time (almost 4 months before our wedding). Don’t worry, I called it off.
When he proposed to me infront of my dying grandmother, 2 days after I’d told him in was leaving him because I’d caught him cheating AGAIN.
What changed after that? He forces me into a position where I COULDNT leave him. This went on for another 2 years with him getting increasingly violent, controlling and scary. He made sure to spend all my money so I had nothing. Then covid happened. About 6 months into the pandemic I’d finally gotten myself in a position to be able to leave.
The funniest thing, he kept saying to mutuals “she kept the ring” as some kind of vendetta against my character. The ring was my great grandmothers family heirloom ring that he got off my mother…. so, yes, I kept the fucking ring you ding dong.
I realized I deserved more when I began investing in myself more and envisioning my life outside of the relationship. When the realization came, detaching myself emotionally was easy. And once I was more emotionally detached, I started to see him for who he really was instead of the potential version of him that I was in love with. I also begged God to help me get out of the relationship. After I begged, the opportunity to leave presented itself on a silver platter.
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When I asked him to call me on my birthday or at least give me some more heartfelt wishes and he told me that 1) he didn’t feel comfortable doing that because I started a fight earlier (by telling him that I’m upset because he forgot my birthday) and 2) that I should be happy with what I got because it’s more than he says to other people for their birthday anyway. I don’t know why it took me 2.5 more months to be done with him after that
There were a few moments that finally broke through to me, really.
The first one didn’t dawn on me until much later. Me and my ex had broken up for a few weeks pretty early on. I had went to a friend’s house for a place to stay and he hugged me when I showed up and kissed the top of my head and I broke down in hysterics because I couldn’t remember the last time I had been touched. I stupidly gave him another chance.
About 5 years into our relationship, I spent a lot of time crying or in bed and couldn’t figure out why. Eventually, I met the guy who became my best friend very quickly. Meeting him changed everything. He was so kind to me. He was interested in what I had to say and treated me like an equal. He would do things out of basic kindness, and it would break me that someone was so nice to me. I started REALLY noticing how lonely I had been. I also became very aware of how poorly I was being treated and that there were people out there that care a out what I have to say and share interests.
I left after maybe a year of becoming aware of how miserable I was.
After a few years I started dating again. My poor boyfriend was simply cuddling me and rubbing my head while we watched TV and I broke down crying again because I couldn’t remember the last time I had been touched while with my ex.
Life has been great since moving on. I’m with a very affectionate partner that finds me hilarious and interesting. We have things in common and can’t get enough of each other. I have never smiled so much in my life. And I know it’s plain as day because even my kid has made comments about how different I am since I left. She loves that someone is making me so happy and she loves him too. She’s even poked him about getting married and being part of the family. It’s been a wonderful life since I left.
“Dated” for almost a year. Text/call daily. Sex weekly, took trips all that jazz. He went to Coachella and couldn’t agree to not take girls numbers. I dumped him but unfortunately emotionally strung it along for awhile. Now I’m with a great therapist and working hard on rebuilding myself…so in a bit of shambles
When he told me he didn’t want to get divorced because nobody would want him, I thought he was going to say because he loved me. I got a divorce, but I needed to hear another two more times before I got serious.
I grew to absolutely hate him, like I literally hated every single thing he did with every fiber of my being. Couldn’t stand how he did things, couldn’t stand any word he said, etc because he was making me so miserable and he was never going to change but I finally directed that anger at myself because I was allowing it by allowing him to stay in my life. I started working to extract myself, it took about a year to get him out. He was very parasitic. It was really stressful but I was finally free and I knew to never settle again. I finally understood my self-worth and that a man liking me and wanting a chance means absolutely nothing. Someone I’m not naturally drawn to does not deserve a chance and it’s dishonest and shitty to settle like that.
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He would wake me up with his torch at night to hit a dab rig in bed. I begged him to stop but he said smoking made him a better person. I had to give him a loan so he could buy his first car in literal years bc he blew all his money on dabs and video games after paying for his half of bills. I remember at the start of the covid lock down being so eager to have the house to myself so I didn’t have to play mommy bang maid for a few hours while he was at work. Eventually I realized I had no friends because he made sure I spent every waking minute with him. When I wasn’t with him he was constantly texting me about what I was doing. I was freshly 18, he was 26. That’s when I realized maybe I don’t know everything and I wasn’t as mature as I thought I was. I was with him for two years. After the break up he stalked me and tried to sexually assault me the very first time I agreed to see him. I almost had to jump out of a moving car bc he was pissed I wouldn’t fuck him on his birthday.
Leaving him was incredibly hard. Affording living on my own meant grocery shopping at dollar tree and living in a 10x13ft studio “apartment”. It showed me my own resilience though. I put myself through school, got out of that hole in the wall, and showed myself it’s ok to be wrong/make mistakes.
When no matter how much I expressed my feelings or concerns nothing would change. I ended things and have been extremely happily single ever since. Did some inner self work to make sure I’m the best me I can be for my future partner – if there is ever one.
I certainly realised it while IN the relationship, which is why I left. But I don’t think I fully realised how much more I deserved until I met my now-partner. WOW. The way he loves the parts of me I’d hide or suppress from my ex, or the way he leaps at the chance to make my life easier, not out of desire for something in return but just out of love. You deserve to feel saturated in love, like their favourite person all of the time. Wait for it, hold out for it. Don’t settle x
When I realized I was sad or disappointed nearly every time I interacted with him.
My next partner actually enjoys spending time with me and doesn’t make me second guess if they really like me, so that’s nice.
About 2 years ago. I repeatedly asked him to address his health problems, participate in helping run the household, be more present in our marriage, express any type of emotions. And he just……wouldn’t. So I stopped asking and expecting. I’m still married to him but I’m silently planning my exit.
After a huge fight happened, all because I was trying to have a simple conversation. Then it got to the point, I started to hate him. And it made me sick to my stomach every time I thought about all the years I wasted. Best thing I ever did was leave. Wish I would’ve done it years earlier.
When I got sober and dealt with a sloppy drunk who destroyed our apartment. Sobriety helped me face the truth of what I was dealing with, a shitty toxic relationship. I gained confidence and a don’t give a fuck how people perceive me attitude. Broke up with him on Valentine’s Day, found myself a new apartment and started over.
That realisation is often very late for me. I cannot count the amount of relationships I have been in that did nothing for me but I stayed because of loyalty. But as I grew older I realised that I deserve better and I can walk away from situations that no longer serve me.
There was also lot of things that made me question the relationship, but one of the things that hurt the most was realizing that he cared more about his games than me. I came home from work, ready to talk to him about our days but I was ignored. I came in, popped my shoes off and greeted him. He had his headphones on and was chatting with people in game and didn’t even look at me. With how our apartment was set up, I had to walk in between him and the tv to get to the bedroom. I changed out of my work clothes and just sat on the bed for a good hour until he came in the room wondering why I never came out.
I ended up leaving a couple months after that and divorcing him. Fast forward to now, nearly 10yrs later- my current husband makes me a priority even though he plays games too. He keeps one ear out of his headphones for me and makes sure to listen to what I’m saying and engage in conversation with me even when he’s playing games or watching videos. He’ll gladly hop out of the chat with his friends at a moment’s notice if I need/want to hang out. He and my ex had very similar hobbies, but how they went about them made all the difference.
I was on again off again with my highschool boyfriend for about a year and a half. Among the MANY things he did. Here are a few of my favorites:
-stands me up over 10 times on dates HE invited me too and then says he always stands me up because he “enjoys knowing I’m just sitting there waiting for him”
-made fun of my religion
-openly cheated on me several times
-bullied me in front of his friends
-straight up gaslighting
-insulting me to make me insecure and telling me it’s okay that I’m ugly because I’m lucky enough to have him to love me since nobody else could. (I want to clarify that this man was 5’ tall, full beard at 16, Travis Scott braids, and Caucasian male, he had NO RIGHT to make me feel ugly 😭)
I could keep going.
Anyways after we broke up (again), I told him I was done for real this time. He laughed at me and said “yeah right, we both know you’ll take me back in a few days. You always do.” That was my eye opener that I was enabling his behavior and that I could have so much better. I truly never did get back with him and then he had the AUDACITY to text me after realizing it was over, “I’m sorry but I wouldn’t have treated you that way if I knew I could lose you. If I knew you would actually leave me one day, I would have been a lot nicer to you.”
That remains as the worst apology I have ever received. (Sorry for poor formatting, I’m on a phone)
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I’d been unhappy a while. He kept talking me round. I told him point blank “I’m not happy” – he said I was wrong for thinking that. That’s when he lost me. I left him two days later and cut off all contact
So I’m married to him.
Covid stuck, I lost my job but he left me alone in a new country for his work while he was stuck in a different country due to travel restrictions. Could’ve been avoided but didn’t listen.
Expected me to comfort him when I was having a hard time due to me losing my job.
Prioritised his mother.
We moved back to our home country, I got a remote job, then out of no where quit his job. I was going to leave him but he quit his job so I had to stay.
I fell pregnant. He’s a minimal father.
Everyday I’m disappointed in the life I chose for myself and in him.
But I’ve to suck it up and live as is for my kid.
When I realized my colleagues treated me much better than my ex. Also I didn’t want to go home after work, because she was there. Last straw was when she told me during an argument, that she will leave me and will return to our home country. It wasn’t her true wish, it was only supposed to hurt me. Of course later she said “I didn’t mean it, I was just angry”, typical abusive excuse. I still loved her at that point and it broke something in me. After that I completely stopped caring/trying to fix our relationship and broke up with her 2 months later. Best decision of my life. I am so much happier now on my own.
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I realized I deserved more when I started prioritizing my own happiness and well being. Once I stopped settling for less, everything started to shift. I became more confident and focused on finding someone who truly respects and values me.
I just couldn’t do it anymore. I didn’t want to go home. I didn’t want him around. I had mean thoughts about him and would give him the finger behind his back. I started fantasizing about a life with someone else.
Honestly the post break up clarity was AWESOME. I left. I moved to a different country. Got a different job and nicer pay. Met a wonderful guy that I now live with. It’s night and day. I’ll never settle again.
I found myself feeling much happier and less irritated after we started long distance. And when we tried to make plans for him to visit I realized I was enjoying his absence so much I did not want that to end, and I started to feel stressed out about his visit and the thought of having to get intimate with him
At the end I ended the relationship. It turned out I’d rather never see him again than to actually spend more nights with him in person. I wish I’d done it sooner.
When I gave us – No, him my all despite being wrecked with work etc. yet still decide to be a coward pathetic piece of shit, who’d rather hide behind excuses and false hope because baby boy is tired and his soft little ego is hurt, because i am a person who feels something!
Some people shouldn’t be give the best of us
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When he didn’t do anything to prepare for or help me post-surgery. He didn’t even remember it was happening.
u/BurbNBougie