Im 24 years old and I’ve never had a boyfriend and been in a relationship before. Ive always very much prioritized school, studies, career etc. Recently, I decided I wanted to start to date. I went on my first date with a guy and I could tell he was really really into me (at least on a physical level). We had a nice time and spoke about our lives. He tried to kiss me on the first date but I wasnt comfortable. For a first date it was a good experience. And its made me feel a lot less scared to go on dates with guys, and for that Im grateful.
Thing is im still a virgin. Im very inexperienced and its something that makes me feel quite vulnerable to disclose. However, Id say I come across as fairly confident, self assured, and I would say Im a pretty girl that does receive male attention. But when it comes to experiencing physically intimate stuff, specifically sex, I really want it to be with a guy I love. Because I know myself, I need to feel safe in that dynamic.
Anyways, went on date 2 with this guy. He asked me out that same week. And we ended out making out wirh I liked. He then asked for my number etc etc. We start texting and Idk I just get this flare of anxiety cause I just feel like he may expect more and if im not honest with him soon, he may feel led on or idk. so i text him a gentle boundary saying: im inexperienced in dating, id like to take the physical stuff slow etc. He actually ends up answering super respectfully and then … ghost.
This has sort of led me to a place where Im now fearful to sort of express this to a guy because it will make him dip or think I want the dynamic to automatically become something super super serious. So my question is: when is the best time to bring this up? Should i be witholding the info longer? Do guys find this seriously unattractive (ie being inexperienced)?
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Tbf i think it’s completely up to you when you decide to say something and don’t at all feel pressured to say anything. A true respectful man is not at all going to find this unattractive or lose interest in you due to this and if they do i think it is clear what their intentions are. It is perfectly fine to wait for someone who you truly love and i believe that the right person would understand if you spoke to them about how you were feeling.
When you want to. If that means never, then don’t disclose anything.
That’s your information and it’s privileged information. No one NEEDS to know about it, but you’re welcome to share it whenever you like.
You should bring it up when you feel comfortable. You shouldn’t worry about leading a guy on, if a guy feels led on by this after date 2 then I feel his intentions may not be all that serious to begin with.
If anything this is a powerful card to play, you can easily weed out the dudes who are just looking for sex.
Dating is about finding the 1/8 billion, so don’t be afraid to be honest with your needs. Better to be upfront and end something early then get too deep and realize it’s not gonna work out.
It’s up to you if it’s important to disclose. It’s not like an STD so it’s not like you owe them disclosure that you’re a virgin unless it makes you more comfortable. The concept of virginity is just used to control and belittle women anyway, so I mean what purpose does it serve to place value on virginity and like make it some big pressure on yourself?
Hi there! Thank you so much for formatting your post in an easy to read, easy to respond format.
>when is the best time to bring this up?
When you’re comfortable bringing it up and not before.
>Should i be witholding the info longer?
Yes if you’re not comfortable talking about it yet. No if withholding the information makes you uncomfortable and you want to share.
>Do guys find this seriously unattractive (ie being inexperienced)?
Some do, some don’t. It’s hard to generalize because a lot find it unattractive, a lot don’t care, and a lot find it attractive. The right guy will create an environment where you feel comfortable being yourself and sharing your history with him.
>id like to take the physical stuff slow etc. He actually ends up answering super respectfully and then … ghost.
This says nothing about you and a lot about him. If this is his response, he’s an asshole or at the very least immature and you’re better off without him.
Don’t ever be afraid to disclose due to them maybe expecting more and wanting to leave. Those are the red flags you want to get out the way so you can find the person willing to get to know you etc.
I wouldn’t say you’re inexperienced that seems like a negative or a weakness. Ask ChatGPT how to word it so that it makes you sound like a high value woman. basically like you’re saving it for the best of the best so it makes him more harder like give him the impression that he might not get it you are still deciding that
It won’t matter. That’s actually a turn on for most men. Now if you were a man posting this, it would be a different story.
> So my question is: when is the best time to bring this up?
Well if you don’t want to feel like you’re wasting your time with someone that thinks it will be a deal breaker, then lightly feel it out before you agree to go on a date and then be even more clear within the first date.
> Should i be witholding the info longer?
It’s totally up to you, but no one can guarantee what you experienced with that guy won’t happen again.
> Do guys find this seriously unattractive (ie being inexperienced)?
I think you’re just looking at this the wrong way. You probably still have notions that a romantic relationship is supposed to be magical or something, but you’ll be able to understand the dynamic if you think more cynically. So firstly, if some guy really likes you, he’s not going to care about you being inexperienced. If you’re looking for something more serious, then you presumably also want to find someone also looking for something more serious. So whatever happened with that guy, it worked itself out in the end because what you wanted and what he wanted were too far apart, and he successfully filtered himself out for you. That’s one of the things you’re trying to accomplish in dating, you just didn’t like the way it happened.
You absolutely need to set your own boundaries and proceed at the pace that you want, but if you live in North America or Europe then what you are looking for is admittedly outside of the norm. Especially as a mid-20s woman, guys are going to try to kiss you on the first date if they think it’s going well. So like if that bothers you, then you should try to set that expectation before the date if you want to try to avoid it. If you kiss and make out on the first date, then many guys will also try to sleep with you on the first date. Most people will try to sleep with you be the third date at the latest. Many people want to explore if they feel good chemistry for these things as early as possible, so many people have these kind of vague expectations about timelines in dating. You of course do not need to conform to them at all, but I want to be very honest with you.
So where that leaves you is how you want to invest your time and energy. Do you want to go on dates for the sake of going on dates, knowing that you may or may not get pressured to do things you don’t want? Do you only want to date people willing to take it slow? It’s really up to you. Like yeah, if hypothetically (not saying you should do exactly this) but if you tell a guy straight up, I’m not sleeping with you within the first three dates and I’m not comfortable doing more than one kiss on the first date, then yeah a lot of guys would probably be like, “Well, I’d rather find a girl who IS willing than spend my time here”. So like yeah, if you take that personally then you could say less people would want to go on a date with you, but honestly that’s kind of the outcome that you WANT because you are filtering for the kind of guy that you actually want to date.
There’s no perfect time, it really depends on what you feel comfortable with. You were super clear and honest with that guy, and he still ghosted, which tells you what you needed to know, he probably wasn’t someone who could hold space for where you’re at and that’s not on you. Wanting to wait until you feel emotionally safe isn’t weird, immature, or unattractive. Anyone who dips just because you’re not rushing into sex wasn’t worth your energy anyway.
It’s up to you. If you are just on a dating app I would personally chat before the first date what you want and what they can expect. If these are random irl people just use your instincts and roll with the universe.
I would say from the start that your not interested in jumping straight into something physical. Once you see they are willing to get to know you first, then its whenever you feel its the right time to say.
I wouldn’t advertise it widely because then you will get people who are looking to ‘take it’ like a badge or conversly you will get people who automatically think you’re a wait till marriage type person.
Actually young lady you are a diamond in the rough. We men are not at all turned off by an inexperienced woman in this regard as opposed to someone who has a high body count regardless of what society says. Men will be far more willing to commit to a woman with a low body count or better still a virgin. Don’t rush out to get experience either because it is worthless in our eyes because if it did hold any value we men would be looking lining up to marry sex workers or strippers or OF girls.
I’d say this is date #3-5 conversation or so. You can share that you haven’t dated much because you prioritized your studies, and so you want to go slow early on without getting into details. Don’t worry about the guy who ghosted you – he self-selected that he would be a bad fit for you, so in a way he did you a favor and saved you the time.
My wife had only had one boyfriend in college that didn’t go far, and one disappointing 1-night stand where she lost her virginity. She ended up telling me that after we’d been out on a car ride that I guess was technically date #4 (we were driving to a the wedding of mutual friends, so it was a 5-hour car trip).
It wasn’t a big deal, in a lot of ways it’s nice that she doesn’t have baggage from exes. I personally think that for a guy thats going to be a serious relationship, it won’t be a big deal. The guys that will have a problem with it are the ones that want to jump into bed, and it doesn’t sound like that’s what you’re looking for.
My wife and I have been married a long time now, and I know the dating world is WILDLY different, so take this with a grain of salt, but I wouldn’t worry about it too much. Do be wary of any guys that are big into “body count” stuff – it’s toxic BS.
Be upfront with what you’re looking for, and I mean before the first date. You might as well sort out the men who just want sex from you. There’s no point is going on a few dates, then telling them just to see them vanish.
Many men will pretend to be things they are not to get a woman to sleep with them. If they know you aren’t going to sleep with them for a long time, most won’t bother.
Every potential date isn’t a win-lose scenario where you need to convince the guy of anything. You’re looking for someone who fits you. If it’s not a fit, move on.
I’ll tell you my opinion right now: any guy who wants you to put out right away is not a guy who is looking for a real relationship. A good man will not respect a woman who does that.
-If anything, you being inexperienced is attractive to a guy. I’d think most guys would love to sleep with a virgin.
-If you bring up “let’s take the physical stuff slow” upfront (within the first few dates), and the guy ghosts you, I think that means he just wants quick sex, and has no intention to stick around in the long-term. So “scaring him away” is to your advantage, if you’re looking for something more long-term. So you’re not wasting each other’s time.
The straight-up truth is that purity is valued highly. You will have no problems if you tell him you’re inexperienced. Had you told him you had more bodies than an episode of Dexter, that probably wouldn’t go nearly as well.
Most of these replies are technically right and saying totally valid things (such as how you should do it when your comfortable etc), but honestly that doesn’t seem really helpful ultimately.
With the goal in mind of avoiding weird or uncomfortable or stressful situations, being a little proactive obviously can help.
Really op I think you are vastly overthinking this. I would not stress about it at all if I was you. It’s almost a non issue even.
All it takes is a “hey I want to take it slow at first”. To avoid any confusion I’d say it early on. Honestly your timing for it now is as good as it gets.
Literally the only person who would be turned off by that statement, is someone who is purely looking to use you for quick sex and that’s it. Anyone who is remotely interested in you beyond that will be totally ok with the situation.
If a guy doesn’t like it or pretends to but doesn’t respect it, then hes a total creep anyway so you saved yourself the hassle.
As long as it’s not like “wait until marriage” tier slow, which is a different story, you’ll have no problems
While not a virgin, when we first started talking, my guy admitted to me that he hadn’t been in many serious relationships.
Like you, he’s confident, self assured and good looking.
Given my situation (post-divorce), I wasn’t just looking to jump right into anything either…so our situation is a little differently, as I didn’t mind him not having much experience because I wasn’t really “looking” for anything.
Fast forward to now: things are really great between us, sex included.
All that to say: share things when you’re ready and be as detailed (or not) as you’d like.
trust me they will find out
Never.
In my experience, when you tell a horny guy that you are a virgin, they become obsessed with trying to take your virginity. They will even try to promise to marry you if you will just sleep with them. It is so off putting, if that happens, be prepared to ghost him.
Another thing I would caution if that you wait until you are “in love”, you give the guy too much power over you.