BLUF: Is it wrong to confront my sister in law about what she has been saying behind my back if I was told about it through a mutual family member? Or do I just continue to stay quiet since I’m not supposed to know and would betray the trust of my friend/family member?
This has been ongoing since I gave birth over a year ago. Our friend (I.e., girlfriend to one of my fiancés brother) constantly tells me in private about how our sister in law is saying stuff about me, about stuff my fiancés mom says too, among other things. Even without me asking she will tell me. This caused me to have severe trust issues with my partners family and I’ve kept quiet cause I’m trying to avoid drama. However it’s really impacting my mental health to be constantly told stuff. She will tell me when the sister in law screenshots stuff and sends it and what she says. I’m at the point I would rather just not know anymore. The stuff being said is not nice stuff and messed up. Used to be really close to my sister in law but things have changed in the past year or so.
I don’t know if it’s worth being honest with my sister in law as I’ve known her for 6 plus years whereas we have only known our friend for almost 2 years. I’m afraid of the fall out as our friend already yelled at me for unintentionally hinting at knowing some stuff she said. The same friend also vents to me about the stuff the sister in laws do.
Edit to add: asking other women this in my age group as I know women in our nature do gossip. Also that it is okay for people to vent to mutual friends in friend groups. Some of the stuff being said is how I didn’t try hard enough to breastfeed our twins, how I caused our boys to have an allergic reaction due to using gerbers, how she regrets buying stuff for our kids because I didn’t use it enough, how I wasn’t doing milestone photos, how we were causing their reflux for not feeding them properly, among many other things.
Comments
The friend is the toxic one. She maybe doesn’t want you to say anything because maybe SHE’S the instigator of the shit talk When she vents to you about SIL, she’s hoping you’ll join in so that she can turn around and say YOU’RE the one gossiping.
Ask her to please stop updating you and that if SIL wants to say something to you, she will. But trust, the friend is the one stoking all of this.
Have you told your fiancé? It’s his sister and his mother talking shit about you, his partner and mother of his children. He is the one that should be confronting and having your back. I assume he was also half of the decision maker when it came to the formula you chose and not using the stuff that was purchased for you. How he wasn’t taking pictures, he wasn’t feeding properly etc. You are not the only one they should be blaming here.
Tell your friend you are no longer interested in knowing. Show your husband the screenshots and have the expectation that he will step up for you.
If your friend gets mad, she’s the one telling you and expecting you to just lie down and be disrespected by people while she gets to enjoy your misery. Yuck.
I would tell your husband to address that with his family. “It came to my attention that you are discussing my fiancé/wife amongst each other and it’s not cool, as my family i expect better respect from you towards the family I’m building”. It doesn’t have to be anything big. No one will know who it came from. And if it comes from the friend family will make sure to call the friend out. You can’t force his family to stop talking about you but he can and he should.
It really depends on what is being said. I see gossip as venting and if it’s just slight things then I don’t think the friend should be telling you at all. Now if malicious stuff is being said then the friend needs to step in and say that’s not cool or something to the sister in law to get her to stop. Saying nothing then telling you is immature imo.
I would recommend telling your friend that you no longer want to know anything done or said about you and also request not to hear anything related to them. Ideally you will want to distance yourself.
This will help with preserving your peace.
As for the others, it’s hard because they are a part of your family. You know now, they can’t be trusted, but you should try and preserve your peace by sharing as little as possible. Only confront when motivated by your own well being, if needed.
Is there any way you can distance yourself without affecting the relationship for the sake of your partner?
Ugh. What a nightmare. I’m petty so I would save it for a rainy day. When they did something to piss me off, that’s when I would tell them I know all the shit they’ve said about me.
In the mean time, I would ask my friend sharing it with me to stop.
Everyone gossips to an extent and vents about their interpersonal frustrations but there is a line, which is of course different for everyone, when it becomes detrimental.
I think your friend is a bit of an asshole here. I also think your SIL should be confronted and you’re totally right to feel shitty after reading those things. She’s not some stranger, this is someone important in your life.