Early 30s, been in a relationship for close to 7 years. lived together for 2 years, then have been on a long distance relationship for almost 4 (we see each other once a month, and usually 1-2 months every summer).
We are just about to close the distance for good but the last few months have been rough. Our communication has gone downhill, we fight/argue a lot and we realized we don’t agree on the future money management of our relationship once we get married. We will be making very different salaries, mine being 3-5x bigger than his (he wants all our money to be our money, i want our family contribution adjust to pro rata reflecting our salaries and to be able to keep some money for personal use on the side). Sounds like a detail but we all know how money is a tricky subject and as much as i compromised on this and agree to help him save and pay for luxury like travel and whatnot, he doesn’t want to saying it’s a personal value.
now… what do we do?
when do we know it’s time to pull the plug? when do we know there is still hope?
we still love each other, we like spending time together but it is hard and i don’t see any way we will solve this. even seeing a therapist, i don’t think they can make us change our view on the subject and i don’t want to give up what i believe in just to be with him.
also, i’m terrified because i’ve been with him for 7 years, started going out when i was 25 and since then, i always imagined him being my husband and the father of my hypothetic child. my brain was barely mature when we started going out, i’ve grown so much since then. i’m scared to start over. i’m scared i’ve wasted 4 years in a LDR for nothing (because it was HARD and terrible painful sometimes). i’m scared i’m getting old and time is running out to meet someone (who doesn’t have a kid yet) and have our own (but of course, not a reason to stay).
we had so many plans… he was supposed to move here next month, we had made tons of plans, we have two trips booked (which i mostly paid), etc.
Comments
You’re falling into a sunk cost fallacy. You don’t need to keep investing in the same mistake just because you invested so much time in it.
If it’s a financial incompatibility, you gotta let it go, especially if you’re at such an impasse. Very sorry, my dear. I know this is not easy but your future self will be thankful as well.
I think there’s a fine line between compromise and sacrifice in relationships. Compromising works when both partners are doing so for the betterment of the relationship. What you have is you having to sacrifice for the betterment of your relationship.
In your situation, it seems like you’ve reached a point where core values are at odds, especially when it comes to financial management and how you both envision your shared life. These differences may not just be “details” in the long run, but fundamental views that can shape your dynamic. You’ve shown a lot of patience and willingness to compromise, but sometimes, no matter how much love is involved, these differences are hard to bridge.
If you’re feeling that a resolution isn’t possible, and you’re holding on because of fear or because you don’t want the years to feel wasted, it might be a sign to step back and reflect. Staying in a relationship simply because of fear can prevent you from growing into the person you’re becoming—someone who knows their worth and values their needs. You’ve done the work of growing, and it’s important to honor the person you are now, not the person you were when you first met.
As much as it’s painful, sometimes moving on allows us to stop sacrificing our happiness for someone else’s vision, especially when their values and goals don’t align with ours anymore. It doesn’t negate what you’ve built, but it can open space for you to find someone whose vision for the future mirrors your own.
I would not be with a man if we can’t comfortably discuss money and are not on the same page.
I would be curious if your boyfriend would be okay with his money belonging to both of you if he made three to five times your salary. I’m wary of “my money is my money, and your money is my money”. My ex did that to me even though he made several times my income.
I make 50% more than my boyfriend and we have discussed a few different options:
How are you going to marry a guy that you haven’t lived with in 4 years? How do you know the two of you are still compatible?
I know it really sucks to hear this but… You already know what you need to do
And
You will be happier after you trust that and move forward.
Yeah not being able to reach a solution on money is a reason to leave imo.
Your proposal is super reasonable and what my husband and I do. We both contribute a proportional amount (by percentage of take home pay) to shared expenses, and keep the remainder of our incomes separate. I’ll generally contribute more for shared travel because I make more, but if we want to travel together we just do and figure out what makes sense for the finances for each trip.
If you think you can make progress on this I could see it being worth talking about, but if you’ve reached an impasse there isn’t really much else to be done unfortunately.
I agree with my boyfriend on all the big things (money, family) and we STILL find ways to fight.
Communication issues can be worked on but the financial incompatibility is probably a sticking point.
I was in a similar situation. I was with someone for 7-8 years with 3-4 of those long distance. I ended the relationship in my late 30s. We never quite gelled on finances. In hindsight, we didn’t gel on a lot of topics. For a long time, I pictured my whole life together with this person. Ultimately, I felt it in my gut that something was off. Only you know for sure, but I think I might detect this sentiment in your post.
BEWARE sunk cost fallacy in romantic relationships. If you’re not familiar, sunk cost fallacy is the reluctancy to abandon a strategy or course of action because you have invested heavily in it, even when it is clear that abandonment would be more beneficial.
At the time I left that long term partner, I knew in my gut that my life would be better without them—whether I found new romantic love or not. It took some bravery, but I stuck with that path and ended up meeting someone so amazing who I am now married to. When I made the decision to break up with that other person, I immediately knew it was the right thing to do.
It makes me absolutely ill to think I could have married this other person.
Instead of thinking of this as a “backwards” move in your life, you might see it as an opportunity. You sound like you have a great, stable career track. You are older, wiser, and know more about what you want. You have an opportunity to find someone you are more aligned with, which is so important if you want to be a parent.
Parenting can magnify these types of disagreements. If you are a super high earner, you might want to think about how you want to appraoch this next time and what sort of person or what sort of values you are looking for with respect to money.
Finally, some people think a pros and cons list helps in these situations. I don’t. To me, this is a gut check type of decision. Give yourself a date to decide by. You’ll know what to do! Trust your gut.
A relationship is never a waste of time, regardless of how good or bad it is. Because you learn something about yourself either way. Maybe you heal or grow a little. But if you have fundamentally opposing values about something like money, I wouldn’t marry. It won’t get better. You’ll just always fight about it and it will be the downfall of the relationship. It sucks but cut your losses now.
> scared I’ve wasted 4 years in a LDR for nothing
You probably did. I’m pretty anti LDR unless it’s for a pretty short time. The time isn’t coming back. The time you have in the future is still yours to dictate, and your relationship has sunk cost fallacy written all over it.
You have to let go when you’re not compatible anymore. You didn’t waste your time, be glad you found out before marriage.
The money issue is a pretty big one. If you’re in the US, you can get a prenup, which would protect both of you and reflect your values. Get an attorney to draw one up for you, and he can get an attorney to suggest edits. If you all can come to an agreement on something equitable, that’s a good sign.
HOWEVER, the vibe I am getting from your message is that the bloom is off the rose and you are fearing to start again and that you’re old. Babe, that’s a self-confidence issue. So you may want to pick your battle: hammer out something equitable with your guy or do the internal work with being at peace by yourself in your 30s and dating. There’s beaucoup de solid dudes who want kids and are in their 30s and 40s.
The question is are you secure in yourself to make the necessary transitions to pursue that route versus staying comfortable and from what I can tell, unhappy in your relationship.
If a prenup solves your money concerns, great. It seems to me there’s deeper stuff going on with y’all’s relationship that is unresolved.
Just make sure he has some ambition and is not a “your money is our money, and my money is my money” kind of person.
I only think it’s worth working on if both parties are fully invested in making it work and trying to help support the other.
Having kids makes things SO much harder. Just saying it will not get easier or better after having kids.
You can enjoy time together and care for each other and still not be a good match partnership-wise. Feelings are important, yes, but you also can’t ignore the practical details of day to day living that you need to be signed on with a partner
Sharing key values is crucial for a healthy and long lasting relationship. If you feel the relationship is worth fighting for, you should really consider couples counseling. However, if you don’t see any hope for the relationship, don’t stay in it just for fear of having to start over as it will only cause you more pain in the long run.
Walk away. You have spent years building up a fantasy in your head about this relationship. Nothing in your fantasy world is going to line up with reality. He seems like he’s banking on you being his meal ticket.