My (34f) husband (36m) and I go to a lot of concerts together. He has an ex coworker named Sarah similar age, married with kids who shares a lot of the same concert interests as him. As a result we keep running into her at shows, however this last show she mentioned texting my husband and was excited we were coming. It’s both of their favorite band, and my husband bought two tickets so I volunteered to go with. I wanted to go and share the experience with him and maybe a piece of me didn’t want him offering her the other seat.
Now maybe it’s because I’m currently really hormonal but I was a little upset because I didn’t know that they texted frequently. Curiosity got the best of me and I snooped. All the times we’ve ran into her has been because my husband tells her where we’re standing , what concerts we’re going to vice versa. After the show last week he geeked out with her about how good it was. The next day while I was at work I found he took photos of old Polaroids he has of the band and sent them to her. He’s never shown me them and I didn’t know they existed. He often offers her free tickets when we can’t make shows, sends photos his new guitars, etc.
A couple more texts of them stating they were glad they bumped into each other and wish they could’ve chatted more. She heart reacts his texts, ends hers with smiley faces or hearts and her replies are usually her repeating the same things back.
I think the part I get hung up on there is I wouldn’t send hearts or heart reacts to another man but it could just be because I’m not that type of person. Unless it’s my husband or friends.
We actually left a show once after the opener because we didn’t like the main band and I saw he texted her he had a horrendous headache and had to leave. Now I feel like when I go to shows I see him scanning for her or if we leave early he wants to find Sarah to say goodbye.
I’ve thought about this a lot. I tried to imagine if this was him texting another man would I be bothered?
And mostly I wouldn’t, I think it’s just the fact that I never knew these conversations were taking place and feel a bit secretive? It’s not like hey btw Sarah will be there do you mind if we hangout? I would feel better if it felt more like a hangout as couples.
My husband has had platonic relationships with women in the past, he actually has several female friends and I have never thought twice about them but something about this one just makes me feel insecure. Please go easy, I realize I could just be paranoid and my period brain is running wild.
Comments
Just reads like he’s bonding with a friend, this is my neutral opinion. Be aware this sub is full of people who jump to infidelity and advise divorce. I’m telling you as a mature adult this is just two people who really enjoy the same thing.
What has he said when you’ve communicated your concerns about them being too close?
It sounds friendly. As long as there aren’t heart eye/fire emojis at selfies…. If you’re feeling weird about it just bring it up to your partner bc hopefully they can reassure you. It’s a good sign of they’re wanting to hang out as a group and not just them!
This is shady boyfriend behavior, not husband behavior, imo.
Edit: I guess everyone thinks it’s totally normal to send heart emojis to other women’s husbands.
it would certainly irritate me (and also be something that makes me paranoid) if my husband texts someone else about what he’s excited about but doesn’t talk about it with me–like how he sent those polaroids to her but not you. I don’t think he’s cheating from this at all but it’s something that i’d want to keep from turning into something else. You said he has other female friends but something is off a little with this one and I’d trust your instinct. Again I do not think he’s cheating or anything at all like that based on this!
I don’t see anything concerning. Nothing flirty or overtly inappropriate. Just a shared interest with someone of the opposite sex. The heart reaction could be interpreted as inappropriate but context matters. Neither of them are saying anything like I miss you or anything like that. I totally understand your reaction. I would likely feel the same way.
Why do you feel like he was being secretive with his communication with her? Because he didn’t outright tell you?
I’s pretty normal to tell someone where you’ll be so they can stop by if you’re at the same event. And you’re with him, he might view this as providing an opportunity for you to get to know her and be comfortable with this friendship. I think smart, family-oriented men always try to introduce the wife and the female friend/co-worker if they’re close.
Just my opinion but I also don’t think the heart reacts are a big deal. I wouldn’t be at all concerned if I saw them in my husband’s phone with female friends and hope he wouldn’t care that I heart react texts from male coworkers. I will say they’re mostly in response to family photos and texts about the kids but I think hearts are pretty normal in this age of emojis.
I’s pretty normal to tell someone where you’ll be so they can stop by if you’re at the same event. And you’re with him, he might view this as providing an opportunity for you to get to know her and be comfortable with this friendship. I think smart, family-oriented men always try to introduce the wife and the female friend/co-worker if they’re close.
Just my opinion but I also don’t think the heart reacts are a big deal. I wouldn’t be at all concerned if I saw them in my husband’s phone with female friends and hope he wouldn’t care that I heart react texts from male coworkers. I will say they’re mostly in response to family photos and texts about the kids but I think hearts are pretty normal in this age of emojis.
There is nothing inappropriate that I can point to in your story here but in your shoes I would also feel uncomfortable with this. I’m not a jealous person at all and this sounds entirely friendly from your husband’s perspective. He may not have shared as much about this interest with you cause he knows you’re not as into it.
I trust my husband and this behaviour on his part wouldn’t concern me. What does concern me though is HER behaviour. The hearts are too much. I don’t care if that’s just “who she is”. It feels very inappropriate to me. I wouldn’t come down hard on this or anything but I would definitely have a conversation with him about how uncomfortable it makes me. I also wouldn’t be accused of snooping if I did though. My husband wouldn’t care if I went through his phone and vice versa.
It sounds pretty innocuous to me overall — HOWEVER you are not in the wrong to be uncomfortable. I think that in an ideal world, nothing you found on his phone should have been a surprise to you and you should know the nature of his friendship with another woman that you aren’t especially close to. You don’t need to be part of every single conversation between them but if I were in your shoes I feel like if my partner was telling me about his day like “I saw so and so at the concert today, look at these pictures we took!” I’d feel very comfortable with that, especially if he did it often.
From my experience, I recently became friends again with an old ex from many years ago. We didn’t end on the greatest terms – I’d moved on but he still had feelings for me at the time, so he cut off contact, but we always had similar interests in video games and stuff like that. He’s married with a kid now and I’m happily in a long term common law relationship that’s serious enough to involve an immigration sponsorship, so the friendship is completely platonic, but my partner is completely aware of that friendship and fine with it because I tell him about it like I tell him about all my friendships. When I have a good day or a good conversation with a friend I share it with my partner because he’s my favourite person in the world and I share everything with him that makes me happy. “So-and-so’s kid played the game we gave him!” “So-and-so said to tell you happy birthday!” Things like that.
A friendship can be totally innocuous but it’s still never a bad idea to be naturally open about it, and I think if your partner was doing that then you might feel more positively even if the nature of their friendship didn’t change.
Idk i think you have a right to be annoyed about the level of coziness here. Ik it could be harmless but I just wouldn’t talk to someone else’s husband like that with tons of heart emojis and talking about wanting to chat more lol but that’s just me i guess. It’s definitely a fine line between appropriate and uncomfortable but it’s different for everyone 🤷🏽♀️
Is her husband with her? If not, why doesn’t he attend? I would definitely start mentioning “hey, maybe we will run into Sarah and her husband” or “I’d love to meet Sarahs husband” something along those lines and see how he reacts.
You said she’s married, right?
How about meeting up as a group somewhere and chat and hangout? See how everyone interacts with each other in a group setting and you can meet her husband. Maybe start a group chat with all of you in it?
To me, this is totally normal, friendly behavior. I have plenty of friends of the opposite sex – and I’m also bi lol so obv that isn’t as much of a factor for me to begin with. But when I’m in a monogamous relationship, I’m committed to that relationship.
That said, if YOU have feelings about it, I think they’d be best expressed to your partner. It’d probably help you feel better. Don’t come at him at a confrontational way, just express that you’re having some insecurities around this and talk to him about it. If he’s a good partner, he’ll listen and you can work through it together. You’ll likely feel much less insecure about it once it’s out in the open.
Do you mind if I PM you so I don’t get my head bitten off on here
I’ve heart reacted to everyone because thumbs up feels kind of cold sometimes. Depends on the content but some things need a heart rather than a thumbs up or laugh. It’s more like a “like” as opposed to an “acknowledge.”
Is he not allowed to have friends that are girls?
I think it’s a little odd, moreso the “running into her” but in actuality your husband has given specific details…? So, he’s faking acting like it’s a surprise running into her????
I’d be pretty upset, ngl, if the above is the case. The only reason I could think of this happening is if in some way you have indirectly communicated you don’t like her? (If you directly said it then I think he should be respecting your opinion…)
I think chatting with a friend over shared interests, hanging out, etc. is fine. I’m sure that’s why he shares more music stuff with her vs with you — sometimes you just have friends you connect with better on certain things even if your SO is enthusiastic.
Personally, I don’t find it respectful to your relationship, but that’s me.
Tell him you feel they are too close for comfort. You’d like to see their text messages to make you more comfortable.
Then, show him which parts specifically make you uncomfortable. Ask him how he’d feel if the roles were reversed. Ask him how her husband might feel about their relationship.
Say how you’d like their relationship to be. Be specific. You could suggest a group chat with her husband included instead of them texting one-on-one.
How he treats the situation will tell you everything you need to know. You could frame it in a way that says you’d prefer group activities but that it’s a little weird how much they bond solo. Afirm that you are invested in the relationship and you’d like to bond together instead because you love him so much.
So in the texts what are they talking about? Is it just the music? Does he mention you? I only ask because it sounds like they just really have this in common, and neither you nor her husband love it as much as they do. But it’s hard to tell because the distrust from you is dripping off this post.
I’d ask him if you have anything to worry about with her. Judge based on his reaction. You could also ask if they communicate outside of the concerts. If he lies, there’s an issue. But based on what you’ve said here, he isn’t doing anything wrong. Her hearts may be or she may just be loving the information he sent. Hard to tell.
I understand your fear, I really do. But do you trust your husband? Because that is what it comes down to for me. If you don’t, things should end. If you do and he cheats, yeah it would suck but there is nothing you can do about someone being awful to you. If you keep him from cheating, he’s still a cheater. If on the other hand he is trustworthy, and you are wasting time trying to see something that isn’t there, that would be damaging on the relationship.
Others have given good input. I’d just encourage you to have a conversation about it
You could frame it in a no accusatory way like “Hey, I noticed X pattern. I always want you to have joyful friendships with others. However, I feel a bit uncomfortable about X specific dynamic for Y reason. I’m not looking for you to explain anything to me, I’d just like you to be mindful of your relationship with others when sexual attraction could be part of the mix.”
Have you two fully talked about emotional infidelity before and specific examples of what that can look like? It might be a good thing to discuss, giving concrete again