I know it sounds like one of the most overused breakup lines in the book, but can we talk about how sometimes it’s actually true? Like, deeply, painfully true?
I’ve been thinking about how often we scoff at “it’s not you, it’s me” as a cop-out or a way to avoid accountability. But what if, in some cases, it’s an act of love? What if someone walks away not because they don’t care, but because they care too much to drag another person into their own unfinished mess?
Sometimes, you recognize that you’re still carrying old wounds—unheard trauma, habits born out of survival, parts of yourself you haven’t even begun to understand. And you realize, painfully, that no matter how much love there is, those unresolved parts of you will eventually hurt the person beside you. Maybe not today. Maybe not tomorrow. But slowly, in the ways that matter.
There’s something profoundly self-aware (and maybe even selfless?) about saying, “You don’t deserve to be collateral damage while I figure myself out.” It’s not avoidance. It’s an act of protection—of them and, honestly, of yourself too.
Just wanted to put that out there, because sometimes walking away isn’t the easy way out. Sometimes, it’s the bravest, kindest choice you can make.
Comments
Yes. Some people can recognize their own red flags
Depends on context, there may be some truth to it, but that’s describing it as some kind of noble self-sacrifice, which it isn’t, it’s hurtful. Truth is it’s probably a little of both of you.
Mostly, it’s bullshit, as are most things you’ll hear during a breakup, said to spare feelings/avoid uncomfortable conversations and allow them to break up as quickly/painlessly as possible.
Yes.
Yeah, I absolutely think it’s true. I think it’s a red hearing though. I once went through a really really bad break up, and once I was on the other side of it and had the girl out of my life, I had to work on myself for years to get back to a place I felt comfortable dating/ being in a relationship.
During that time of healing and self improvement, I met a wonderful woman and we hit it off. As things between us were getting more serious, I realized I wasn’t ready to be in a committed relationship, and even though that’s what she wanted, and she would have been a wonderful partner, I knew I had to pull the cord before I really broke her heart.
I hit her with the “It’s not you, it’s me” line but what I really meant, and she rightfully called me out on, was I wanted to continue working on myself without having to make sacrifices for a relationship, and I also wanted to continue being a man-whore for a while.
She’s married with kids now, and I’m happy for her, but I don’t regret ending things. I would not have been a good partner to her at that point in my life
Of course they can
Based on my understanding of compatibility theory, they’re telling the truth. For instance, they can definitely have societally-deemed behavior or tendencies which they don’t want to burden the partner with.
Conversely, if they are not the ones that have issues, they can recognize that they’re not the person who wants to be there while the partner, at some point, fixes their shit. In that scenario, they’re still correct because, in the context of that relationship, it is still them who cannot fit into what they feel their relationship needs them to be.
So in my opinion, when someone says asserts an incompatibility, they are inherently correct. Compatible people would not find incompatibilities that are deal-breakers because that means they were not compatible. Furthermore, when someone tells you something asserts something about them, you must take it at face value and accept who they claim to be. If not, you must be incompatible or you must prepare to fight.